to expect my dd 14 to act a little more mature and help out with newborn

You have had a baby right when your older daughter needs you, she's going through teenage years which can be tough and is probably trying to find her place in this new situation. Watch her behaviour for cues as to how she believes she fits and be guided by that, you might need her but don't forget she needs you too

Are you serious?
14 is old enough to manage basic tasks unless you are some kind of helicopter mum who does everything for their kids and then wonders why they are still living at home at 45.

You sound like my mother @the3e7s. Every time she popped another baby out, I was expected, as if by magic, to have skills and responsibilities I had never been taught and was then criticised for not ‘contributing more’.

She would have considered her expectations ‘helping a little’ too, rather than the reality of ‘well you’re the eldest and a girl, so being a house maid and baby sitter is not a big ask and you should just know how to do it all’.

You excuse yourself by saying you have never raised a teenage before so didn’t know she wouldn’t learn skills off her own bat.

She’s never been a teenager before. You have.
If you couldn’t use your common sense to understand how you might even begin to parent her based on having been a teenager yourself, then I really don’t know what to say.

But at least you’ve got people weighing in criticising your daughter and calling her names, so you can feel vindicated.

A clueless mother like you is the reason I knew as a teenager I would never have children, because by the time I was 18 I was sick to death of being a parent and housekeeping.

Well that's the problem, you've been far too soft on her in the past and now you expect her to be help you when you've never enforced this before and she will see that as only because the baby has came along.

🙄

Is popping to the shop an adult thing? Mine have done it since the age of 10

Absolutely this

If you know she has anxiety, then why are you getting mad with her because she won’t do something you know she’d really struggle with.

You telling her to do something that she struggles to do, is going to give her even more anxiety.

Why not just have her help you do the shopping.
Get her to scan it whilst you pack it, then next time get her to scan and pack and then next time scan, pack and pay.
Then get her to do half of the shop on the one next to you, whilst you do the other half.

Throwing anxious people into the deep end, doesn’t cure them, it makes them worse.

I would try and get your other 2 to be more independent too.
Its easier to start young when they don’t have any anxiety or cares about what other people think about them.

I definitely think I’d ask DH to take some more time off if possible, as it sounds like you are finding it difficult.

I think the mistake you have made is not introducing some chores before baby arrived. To your dd it looks like she's picking up slack because of the baby and that would be unreasonable. However I don't think the chores you list are unreasonable for a nearly 15 year old. Maybe do a chore chart give all the children age appropriate chores and yourself and dad so she's not being singled out and building resentment.

And re the trip to the shop I would not force that one. You said she won't even be left home alone so it sounds like she's refusing due to feeling anxious about it rather than being a brat

Well, your DD is not incapable but has some anxiety. Take her to the supermarket but stand back and let her do the scan and pack, step forward if needed but only if she's truly unstuck. She could call the assistant. Do this several times, moving further away building up to waiting outside then having her go on her own. You need to help her get over this, it's a practical life skill.

This is your problem! Why on earth hasn’t she been doing chores? Trying to start now as a result of the baby is going to foster her resentment. I’d reframe it to her as “this is being a part of a family” not “I need help now the baby’s here”

Bumped into DC's friend yesterday who is 20 and has a younger sister age 5. Friend mentioned that he is the 5yo's fave person. Unthought that was so sweet.

And that is more of a problem. You want her to grow up but up until now you didn't teach her any independent skills. You just expected her to pick them up when you could no longer do them. Classic pitfall of a lot of parents. If you want you child to be confident, helpful and independent then you need to start teaching them early.
I profoundly disagree with all the people who say "she don't chose to have a sibling". It shouldn't matter. Any of us would pass something on to a breastfeeding stranger (and wouldn't comment it was gross, I hope) and do something our friend, family or work colleague/manager asked us to do. We wouldn't launch into "well, you didn't consult me when you took on this client project so I won't do what you ask me", would we?
It's common courtesy and manners.

I'm with you and the OP, cannot believe the posters on here. My 13 year old is expected to help out with chores every day, and wouldn't argue about going to the shop to pick something up! I don't agree that children of this age shouldn't be asked to help out, it's part of what will make them well rounded and responsible, and they get privileges like their phones etc when they help out. And re the age gap thing and not having asked to have a sibling, yeah I get she feels like that now but I'm pretty sure in years to come when parents are old etc she is going to be extremely grateful to have a sibling.

I feel sorry for her tbh. She’s in those tricky teenage years, already has two younger brothers to compete with for your attention and now a new baby to deal with as well. As the oldest sibling she’s the one expected to sort herself out and get on things without a fuss but instead of helping her feel included, you’re getting cross with her for not making your life easier.

I’d concentrate on trying to have a bit more quality time with her, try and build a bit more of a bond and make time to listen. If she feels important and valued by you, she’s much more likely to want to help out.

Why do you assume they don't have the same dad?

At 14 I considered myself adult. Although my Mum will bring up one time, when I had come home from school and refused to go back to the shops for her, mostly I was helpful.

My mother went out to work at 14. She passed her 11+ and her 14+ .

She find you having a baby (i.e. sex) disgusting, that is what it is. She is a teen, the thought of her parents having sex makes her sick, this is normal. This is why aristocrats pop them out one after another, when they can't understand a thing about parents having sex, etc.

But you were a teenager once, OP, how did you learn chores? You must have been taught when to do and when, gradually picking up bigger ones?

Your teenage daughter doesn't know how to do any of them because she's never had to do them before. She needs to learn them, just like anybody else.

@Angeldelight50
You can do it before the obvious only reason you're asking is because you have a new baby to parent.

Perhaps I am missing something but I can’t see how asking a 14 year old to walk two minutes down the road and swipe a pint of milk at the self check out is an overwhelming task.

The op has said her 14 year old has never gone to a shop on her own.

Perhaps I am missing something but I can’t see how asking a 14 year old to walk two minutes down the road and swipe a pint of milk at the self check out is an overwhelming task. How gradual can you be? It’s not as if she has asked her to plan a dinner menu and do a weeks worth of shopping.

I wouldn’t think it would be okay if you were expecting an extra pair of hands like another parent or nanny. I’d be quite upset by that actually.
but chores, and being considerate to a mother who has just given birth and is still recovering, is good manners. Being helpful as a family member should be expected at all ages, obviously within reason and should be appropriate (like a 4 yo can bring mum a nappy - it’s helpful). Saying breastfeeding is disgusting or whatnot isn’t polite or considerate. If something is bothering her about it, she’s old enough to approach you respectfully and have a good conversation.
the problem here is you’re only trying to teach her about chores and helpfulness now, rather than before baby is born and that’s going to be very hard and unfair!
can dad help you figure out how to teach responsiblity and being helpful to family members at this time? It’s a really hard and late time to teach this! Definitely start with the other kids as well. Even a 2 year old can help (obviously, again, something very small and age appropriate)