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Original poster

To worry about oldest friend - barely any contact from her for 9 months

633 replies

EmeraldDreams73 · 08/09/2024 16:03

This is likely to be long, I'm sorry.

My oldest friend, P, lives about 1.5 hours from me, we've been very close for 45 years. Pre-technology we had the odd year or two where we just caught up by letter, but have been in very regular contact (usually WhatsApp) for probably the last 20 years. Our kids are similar ages. It's been rare for us to go more than a few days without contact, or a couple of weeks absolute max, though it ebbs and flows as we're both busy. We've been a huge support to each other for many years.

I got married 9 months ago (no, I didn't bombard her with tons of wedding shit beforehand! We had the odd chat about plans, she was definitely excited for it). She did a beautiful reading which was fab and I mentioned her in my speech, she and her family had a great time from what I could tell. No falling out or cross words at all. We were in touch briefly over Christmas as usual, but didn't manage to meet up (but had seen each other at the wedding just before, so I wasn't concerned).

I know she's always under a lot of pressure with work (p/t but very demanding), and I do remember her saying in January that she'd probably be a bit quieter than usual for a few weeks, as there was a lot going on with elderly parents and in laws as well. Obviously I said no problem, I don't want to add to her worries/stress with my own expectations, and said I'm here any time, don't worry at all.

But here we are in Sept and I've heard almost nothing from her since January and I'm worried. I suddenly know nothing at all about what's happening in her life when for 45 years we've had a pretty good idea of what's going on for each other. She has sent kind messages/ cards for my birthday and to my dds, all of which seem perfectly normal, but has given zero updates on her own life and asked for zero support, whereas she normally relies on me for emotional support, as I do her.

It just feels like something major must be going on and I miss her and I suppose I'm upset at the thought that she would normally want to talk to me but for some reason doesn't atm. I've tried really hard not to be upset but the longer it goes on, can't help it. It feels like grief.

I have messaged her a few times, never asking for anything from her, just giving brief bits of news as normal at first, and reiterating now and then that I was thinking of her and hoped she was OK. I've left it weeks on end between messages and tried to keep anything I do send as very short and low key, just checking in and never asking for a reply etc. I have said that I'm worried about her and that I'm here if she needs me, she responded with a heart emoji but still no contact. I'm almost sure she's not upset with me, there's been nothing I can think of at all but it often keeps me awake at night wondering.

Of course I realises she has no obligation to keep me in the loop, but after 45 years of being so close, and after multiple school hols where I hoped she'd get in touch (she works in education, as does her DP), I'm getting increasingly worried. I am also feeling hurt if I'm honest, not that I'd tell her - I don't want to make whatever she's going through about me. I do know that she's been struggling with menopause and she's had mh difficulties in the past, as has her DP and several members of her extended family.

I had an issue with another friend a few months ago (v different character and not a mutual friend, she was spectacularly bitchy to me and I was extremely upset but we sorted it out). While that was going on I did send P a more emotional message late one night - I felt like I was losing all my oldest friends, though didn't say that. Just said I really hoped she was OK, and if I'd done anything to upset her to please let me know, told her how much she means to me etc. She didn't answer that, which I took to mean that it's nothing I've done, and have made sure since to just send occasional, low key messages.

We have one mutual friend who is very blunt (and pretty rude at times, v different to both me and P) and when P has gone quiet in the past we would normally ask each other if she was OK. When I did this around March, she didn't reply and has ignored a couple of other enquiries - very out of character but we are in touch as normal, so I've assumed she either isn't worried, or has heard from P and she just doesn't want to be in close touch with me for now/at all. Which is fuelling the worry!

Has anyone else had this happen? I miss P so much. It feels like I'm being kept firmly at arm's length - she sends cards and the odd message (eg good luck to dd2 when she started college last week), it feels bizarre to have that contact without the other side of our friendship, ie any knowledge at all of what's going on for her. I want to help, to listen, to know if she's OK.

AIBU to be worried? I wouldn't dream of contacting her parents or anything, but it's so upsetting. Should I stop even my attempts at keeping things low key in case they're construed as pressure? Or keep going in the hope that whatever is going on, she eventually feels she wants to reconnect?

Sorry this is so long.

OP posts:
EmeraldRoulette · 26/01/2025 14:54

no🎤those who find themselves ridiculous, sit down next to me 🎤

i have family members who can be petty like this but had ways of saying sorry without actually saying it! Annoying I know. I suppose in the end it depends what you find acceptable to put up with.

crinkletits · 26/01/2025 12:31

This reminds me of the script a man says when he leaves his wife and has to come up lots of problems.

I think if you'd both been able to laugh about it - because she's been so silly you could have moved on.

EmeraldRoulette · 26/01/2025 11:27

@EmeraldDreams73 "She did say at one point that she felt embarrassed to say xyz, but still kept saying it"

so on some level, she knows she's being ridiculous

it's a strange one but it seems she's treated other people like this and it's just the first time you've been on the receiving end

oh well. I'd see how things go.

fashionqueen0123 · 26/01/2025 11:17

EmeraldDreams73 · 26/01/2025 00:32

@EmeraldRoulette Good point. The tone was calmly and seriously listing the ways in which my actions were supposedly odds with my words, although none of the examples rang true to me at all. She did say at one point that she felt embarrassed to say xyz, but still kept saying it. She also said (after I'd asked exactly how she felt my actions should have been different) that she didn't really know what she meant. Tbh I was confused as hell too.

I said to dh earlier, I'd have felt differently if she'd said God, it sounds so petty looking back, but at the time I felt xyz. None of it was said lightly or with any awareness of the effect it would have on me. This says a lot - I'd have been the opposite, talking myself out of any grievance to avoid making someone else feel bad.

Looking back over many years, I can think of plenty of examples with close family/partners where she's got entrenched in a way of seeing things, stewed for ages, then blown up. (Not with any friends that I'm aware of, though) We're all different I know, but I just have zero experience of this kind of bad feeling and will, I think, really struggle to just put it behind me. She might be expecting to just crack on as normal but it will be very much more distant for me.

So when you asked what else you could have done, she said she didn’t even know what she was talking about? She sounds crazy!

Sugarcoldturkey · 26/01/2025 11:06

I'm so sorry, op, you sound like an amazing friend. She doesn't deserve you.

boredsolicitor · 26/01/2025 11:05

Drama llama- just ridiculous! I feel cross for you that you have had such doubts and worries for so long over something so piffling and trivial- ugh!

Original poster
EmeraldDreams73 · 26/01/2025 11:00

WomenInConstruction · 26/01/2025 10:49

Agree with every word that's been said since your latest post op.
I also agree with your instincts on this, and in her shoes I also would have cast the issues into context, with a 'I got it out of proportion, which explains my behaviour but I'm sorry now' kind of approach.

I don't think this is something you can mitigate with hormonally charged emotions reasoning... This is who she is, given as you say, she has form for this with family members.
It's just the first time you've been on the receiving end and seen just how minimal a basis for her anger and the relationship damage she is willing to have!

Out of interest, did you say 'i sent you the seating plan and you said you were happy' and if so what was her response to that... Did the penny drop at all that she's been crucifying you for nothing?

Edited

Yes, I did say that. She agreed that she had said it was fine, but "on the day" she felt pushed out. She even said that other guests were asking them why they were in a different room! They weren't!! I said that it had been worked out (as I'd discussed with her beforehand) as front row nearest top table, middle row, back row. They were front row and no further from the next table than any others. It just worked out that when numbers dwindled, the other tables for the middle/back rows that side of the pillars weren't needed.
.

OP posts:
WomenInConstruction · 26/01/2025 10:54

I also would be dropping her and would tell her why.
You've been such an amazing and caring friend, cards and gifts at the right times (some variety in exactly what that looked like obviously because who never alters what they do!), lots of consideration of many aspects of life, and it's all been one way as she has afforded you none of the same. You lost two friends tragically early and it was less of a blip on her radar than her nan! Wtf.

WomenInConstruction · 26/01/2025 10:49

Agree with every word that's been said since your latest post op.
I also agree with your instincts on this, and in her shoes I also would have cast the issues into context, with a 'I got it out of proportion, which explains my behaviour but I'm sorry now' kind of approach.

I don't think this is something you can mitigate with hormonally charged emotions reasoning... This is who she is, given as you say, she has form for this with family members.
It's just the first time you've been on the receiving end and seen just how minimal a basis for her anger and the relationship damage she is willing to have!

Out of interest, did you say 'i sent you the seating plan and you said you were happy' and if so what was her response to that... Did the penny drop at all that she's been crucifying you for nothing?

Ireolu · 26/01/2025 10:47

This is the reason I have no friends. Life is just less complicated not having to second guess all my actions in case I upset someone.

CreationNat1on · 26/01/2025 10:37

This was just one big attention seeking, quiet quitting, friendship tantrum. She sounds like she is an emotionally stunted, precious princess.

OP your friendship is worth more. Who needs to be walking on eggshells, friends are supposed to laugh together.

DowntonNabby · 26/01/2025 08:58

EmeraldDreams73 · 26/01/2025 00:32

@EmeraldRoulette Good point. The tone was calmly and seriously listing the ways in which my actions were supposedly odds with my words, although none of the examples rang true to me at all. She did say at one point that she felt embarrassed to say xyz, but still kept saying it. She also said (after I'd asked exactly how she felt my actions should have been different) that she didn't really know what she meant. Tbh I was confused as hell too.

I said to dh earlier, I'd have felt differently if she'd said God, it sounds so petty looking back, but at the time I felt xyz. None of it was said lightly or with any awareness of the effect it would have on me. This says a lot - I'd have been the opposite, talking myself out of any grievance to avoid making someone else feel bad.

Looking back over many years, I can think of plenty of examples with close family/partners where she's got entrenched in a way of seeing things, stewed for ages, then blown up. (Not with any friends that I'm aware of, though) We're all different I know, but I just have zero experience of this kind of bad feeling and will, I think, really struggle to just put it behind me. She might be expecting to just crack on as normal but it will be very much more distant for me.

Reading your updates again, @EmeraldDreams73, you know what I think is absolutely the worst thing about it all? She has known for an entire year that you have been agonising over what's wrong between you and still she let you suffer. You've sent repeated messages reaching out and asking if she was okay, even enlisting your mutual friend to find out, so she's known you have been really upset. Meanwhile she's been nursing her ridiculously petty grievances and making a conscious decision to freeze you out and leaving you none the wiser. Now she's got it off her chest she wants to continue as though nothing's happened! Sod that. She's being disingenuous when she says she never thought about the impact it was having on you – she knew, she just didn't care. I would NEVER trust her again and I would never feel the same about her. I'd be ending the friendship – but unlike her, I would tell her exactly why I was in no uncertain terms.

AvonCallingBarksdale · 26/01/2025 08:50

Well you’ve got your answers now @EmeraldDreams73 😵‍💫. I think sometimes it doesn’t play out in a particularly dramatic way, it’s almost a bit of a damp squib, as in, that’s it??! I imagine it won’t be either/or going forward, if you stay in touch, it’ll be on a shallower, lighter level. People are strange indeed ❤️

GRex · 26/01/2025 08:42

EmeraldDreams73 · 25/01/2025 17:41

Right! I'm finally back home. Get the kettle on! 🤣

I got there first, found a table in an almost empty part of the usual (v large) cafe and then basically stayed all day. P got there about 15 mins after me. At first we chatted "normally" for quite a while, I kept trying to get a word in to ask wtf was going on, but eventually she brought it up.

So. Tiny (imho) things, basically:

  1. They didn't like where they were sat at the wedding (I had sent her a plan and checked she was ok with it beforehand. She had said absolutely no problem, they didn't mind where they were.) But on the day, they felt "pushed out". Frankly, this is insane. There was a pillar between the main reception area and the area their table was in. Originally supposed to be two other tables the other side of the pillars, but numbers eventually meant there was just one, but it was actually closer to the top table (and with a better view of it) than many others the other side of the pillar.

  2. I didn't make enough of a big deal after her Nan's funeral - this was the catalyst in mid Feb for cutting contact. For context, her Nan was 102 when she passed and it had been expected for a long time. It was also a few weeks after my friend died of cancer in her 50s. I DID message her and did send her (and her parents) lovely cards. In fact, at the time she thanked me, I remember her saying what lovely words I'd written in her parents' card, it had made her dad cry.

  3. Apparently some years I've forgotten her dd's bday (it's early Jan) and either sent no present, or a joint one with Christmas. It's possible I may have missed the odd present over the years, I can't honestly remember now, but on the rare occasions I've done a joint one, I've always spent the same as I would if her bday was different time of year, ie in order to give a bigger present that I thought she'd like rather than two smaller ones.

  4. Lateness of her 50th present wasn't as big a deal, but was I think another small thing that made her feel that my "actions didn't match my words" and led her to feel that she wanted a break from me. But that she hadn't intended it to be so long.

I was pretty astonished tbh. I said that I was extremely sorry she had felt like that, and that it certainly wasn't my intention. I also said that at no point did she give any hint at all of any of these - she did say several times that she clearly needs to be much more direct and honest in her communication rather than letting little things pile up, stewing on them, then blowing up. (Which is what she does with her family, for context.) No shit.

I went on to say very clearly how much it had affected me, and that it had impacted every friendship I have - I'm now constantly worrying about saying/doing/not saying/doing the wrong thing and risking being punished out of nowhere without a clue what I've done. She apologised for that, and said that she hadn't thought about it having that kind of effect.

Once we'd both said our bits we carried on chatting and it was fine, just like normal, (although tbh I don't trust her any more at all not to be thinking something totally different if she can take offence at such things). Before we said goodbye she also said thanks for not giving up on me.

Now I'm home I just feel pissed off.

So there we are. I really appreciate so many posts wishing me luck, it helped a lot this morning.

I'm glad today's over but also hugely unimpressed tbh. I would NEVER behave like that to anyone. I also told her that if any other friend had done that, I would not be coming back from it.

She talked a lot about wanting to get together soon and moving forward communicating differently etc. I'm happy to see how it goes but certainly will be very wary. Makes you realise how little you really know someone, I guess.

Nothing in that list should have been sulked over. She was invited to the wedding, had a card when Nan dies, and had a birthday present. The only one that's got any level of irritating is that missing the DD's birthday some years and not other years might upset the kid - better to send nothing any year than have a kid expect something they don't receive. Still, easy enough to handle, kids do need to learn how to handle disappointment.

So, if the excuses are bullshit then where does that leave you? You could consider if she is anxious / menopausal and projecting that onto irritation with you, or if she's scrabbling round because she feels the friendship just doesn't work any more. Her subtext about your actions suggests to me though that she feels the wedding has displaced her somewhat; you are not her top person because that's your DH, and so she's trying to get by without you now. You can't meet her unspoken demand to be prioritised above DH, so I'd just leave her to it now if it were me. Good luck with it whatever you decide.

Tara336 · 26/01/2025 08:37

Lurkingandlearning · 26/01/2025 07:55

I’m with @Cyclingalong how is she not embarrassed by her pettiness and massive ego. Don’t be surprised if from the moment she left you she was mulling over every word you said, every facial expression and will find you have displeased her again in some way.

You seem very nice and I wonder if you have been the under dog in this friendship in any way. If you have I would bet that it all stemmed from your wedding but not the table seating. If she’d always secretly felt slightly superior to you just being at your wedding and seeing so many people who love you and were happy for you might have stuck in her craw. Of course, she’d never admit that and may have had to really rake around to come up with her piffling excuses

Absolutely agree with this 100%

Tara336 · 26/01/2025 08:36

You deserve better then this all these "crimes" are ridiculous! You sound like a fabulous friend that I'm sure any of us here would love in our lives. So basically P has made you feel like crap for a year because she didn't like the table she sat on? That is ridiculous petty behaviour. I think your a better friend then she deserves. If you do continue with this friendship don't be surprised if she does this again please tread carefully

Cyclingalong · 26/01/2025 08:13

They are piffling excuses and there’s no guarantee she won’t fabricate more as she isn’t regretful. It’s all about her. She appears self-centred, judgemental and condescending.

Imo she’s devalued herself and I’d be done with her.

BitOutOfPractice · 26/01/2025 08:10

Bloody hell, is she 15 or 50?

piscofrisco · 26/01/2025 08:08

She sounds very immature and very self centered. I'm glad you got your answers and I hope you can see that this has been very much about her ridiculous reactions to tiny things, and not you at all,
as you seem lovely to me.

Lurkingandlearning · 26/01/2025 07:55

I’m with @Cyclingalong how is she not embarrassed by her pettiness and massive ego. Don’t be surprised if from the moment she left you she was mulling over every word you said, every facial expression and will find you have displeased her again in some way.

You seem very nice and I wonder if you have been the under dog in this friendship in any way. If you have I would bet that it all stemmed from your wedding but not the table seating. If she’d always secretly felt slightly superior to you just being at your wedding and seeing so many people who love you and were happy for you might have stuck in her craw. Of course, she’d never admit that and may have had to really rake around to come up with her piffling excuses

PeppyGreenFinch · 26/01/2025 07:29

Honestlyhonay · 26/01/2025 06:22

I think she’s been shit but she’s fronted up and been honest. You are right to feel
pissed off op but I do hope you can eventually salvage what you had.

I’m not seeing any honesty. I’m seeing the petty complaints of a woman with zero self awareness and a propensity for cruelty that she’s kept mostly hidden for decades.

Curtainqueen · 26/01/2025 07:23

I suppose things like the wedding seating would have been difficult ones to raise at the time, ok she might have said it was perfectly fine at the time but but of course she was going to say that because it was your big day. The other things though, just seem like things that were not really major reasons to avoid you for so long but she’s used them as add ons to try and beef it up for justification to herself. The fact she mentioned early on that she was avoiding confrontation I always felt was odd. What sort of confrontation was she expecting anyway? Having said that though, I don’t think the friendship can ever be quite the same because you’re always going to be wondering if she’s going to hold on to anything you say or do for future resentment.

Calmhappyandhealthy · 26/01/2025 07:04

Some people are so transactional about friendships aren't they?

Did they send a card, did they make a phone call, are they in the correctly positioned seat at the wedding 🙄

Tbh I cannot be bothered with transactional friendships as I don't think they're true friendships

And if I don't think someone is a true friend, then they are acquaintance zoned

Grin
Honestlyhonay · 26/01/2025 06:22

I think she’s been shit but she’s fronted up and been honest. You are right to feel
pissed off op but I do hope you can eventually salvage what you had.

Original poster
EmeraldDreams73 · 26/01/2025 00:32

@EmeraldRoulette Good point. The tone was calmly and seriously listing the ways in which my actions were supposedly odds with my words, although none of the examples rang true to me at all. She did say at one point that she felt embarrassed to say xyz, but still kept saying it. She also said (after I'd asked exactly how she felt my actions should have been different) that she didn't really know what she meant. Tbh I was confused as hell too.

I said to dh earlier, I'd have felt differently if she'd said God, it sounds so petty looking back, but at the time I felt xyz. None of it was said lightly or with any awareness of the effect it would have on me. This says a lot - I'd have been the opposite, talking myself out of any grievance to avoid making someone else feel bad.

Looking back over many years, I can think of plenty of examples with close family/partners where she's got entrenched in a way of seeing things, stewed for ages, then blown up. (Not with any friends that I'm aware of, though) We're all different I know, but I just have zero experience of this kind of bad feeling and will, I think, really struggle to just put it behind me. She might be expecting to just crack on as normal but it will be very much more distant for me.

OP posts: