To worry about oldest friend - barely any contact from her for 9 months

Sorry OP but this friendship is over. She is clearly a decent person who doesn’t just want to drop you, but she has checked out completely. The sudden bursts of texts when you’ve been quiet is her guilt kicking in.

You need to drop the rope, and please don’t put your other friend in the middle.

Completely agree, very wise words.

I've been in the same boat too and twenty years on, surprisingly, it can still sting a bit if a comment touches a nerve. It was very painful for the first year of letting go and then gradually got better.

I agree that you need to find your anger.

I had a very close friend who slowly withdrew from me for no apparent reason over a couple of years, I was getting married and she didn't come to the engagement or hen party. She didn't reply to the wedding invite. She was the only person who hadn't responded. I got angry and sent her a message saying she was being cruel and no matter what was going on in her life I was a friend who cared and doing this to me was unfair. She replied apologising and said she would to come to the wedding. She came & at the wedding I told her she was important to me and if something was wrong she should tell me rather than cut me out. She hasn't spoken a word to me since (I married 4 years ago). No response to happy birthdays or merry Christmas. I gave up, stopped trying and now try not to think about her but anytime I do I'm angry rather than sad.

op, you need to let her go.not for her but for you, for your own mental health you have cried too many tears for someone who doesn't deserve them. I've been in your situation so I know how much it hurts and how torturous the lack of closure is believe me, it still bothers me sometimes even now after a decade of being cut off. you sound like a lovely thoughtful and caring friend you have done everything you can do. I wouldn't respond to any half arsed messages from her, focus on the friendships you have going forward and if she ever does come back to offer an explanation/ attempts to resume the friendship then it will be your decision if you then want to hear it, I suspect you might not by then. it's so hard but you have done nothing wrong be kind to yourself let yourself grieve and move on. all the best xx

I wouldn’t have thought that was the reason if everything you have said about her kind nature is correct. It sounds like the current situation coincided with your wedding so it must be something to do with that. Perhaps she has wanted to get married for decades but her partner doesn’t and seeing you married for the second time (I think you said this was your second marriage but forgive me if I am wrong) has meant she is jealous of your situation. Maybe she saw your DH doing something she disapproved of like flirting with another guest, maybe she thinks you have changed since being with him as people often do. Only she knows the reason and for whatever reason she is not telling you which is very unfair and makes me think she must be protecting herself in some way by not letting on.

I don’t think it is fair you keep trying to involve your mutual friend though. The friend clearly knows what is going on and you keep trying to get her to break the confidence even though she has tried to not get involved by ignoring your insistent questioning. If you don’t stop doing this you will lose the mutual friend too.

I know you say she is kind and caring - but her behaviour is actually cruel.

How dare she treat you like this?

Blimey.
Awful op, I really sympathise.

I think after a friendship of so many years the least she can do is let you know where you stand.
You've been acting thoughtfully out of consideration for her mh for all this time, but at the expense of your own given the protracted nature of it.

I think letting her know that you want to be a thoughtful friend but that her behaviour is having an effect on you and that a she is usually so caring you thought you would ask her to tell you what's going on and put you out of your misery - is it personal issues or does she just not want to be friends anymore... as this drawn out dance to a music you can't hear is just painful now.

If it was the birthday present (which seems mad to me), I can’t think it’s just the present - so would again reiterate to OP to be kind to herself here. It may be that friend was jealous, even on an unconscious level, of the marriage / never having had the wedding experience herself and feeling deprioritised through the present compounded those feelings and brought them to the fore.

Either way, friend should have used her voice and definitely not be doing the unnecessary slow fade now.

I will go against the grain here and say I think its due to you getting married and forgetting her big birthday. I am reading between the lines here, but, you got married, she came some distance for the wedding and hen? She practiced and delivered a speech, also bought and gave you a present for your wedding on time? She basically went to a lot of trouble to do everything right for your wedding and then you couldn't be bothered to remember her birthday for two months? I suspect she thought (wrongly or rightly) your priorities had changed with your marriage and you wanted to focus more on that, than you had previously on your friendship. It may not make sense to you, but I think that's where she's coming from.

How would you know if you’re barely speaking to them. Just like what P is doing to the OP. Unless you were doing something completely different and your comment is therefore irrelevant to her

I finished with my long-term partner this year. I found an appropriate time and I told him clearly and kindly why this was. And I found three more times to meet and answer his questions. It was difficult but a lot kinder than phasing someone out

I agree with this.
It could be that the 50th birthday present signalled to her that you didn't place importance about her. Possibly you were swept up with the wedding arrangements (understandably) and she felt that you didn't make an effort for her.

You have also mentioned that her partner had health problems and there was other worrying things going on in her life - maybe she felt that there were so many positive things going on in her life and you really didn't care about the stuff going on in hers. Perhaps a bit of jealousy as well.

Turning 50 in your life is a significant moment and makes you reassess things.

I agree, what does op have to lose at this point?

Very sad situation, but op I think you need to have one last effort, say everything you want to say then draw a line under it.

I'm sorry to say but assume the friendship is over and allow yourself to properly and finally grieve, you've lingered in this no man's land for too long 💐

How sad. I think it probably is about your marriage, or about some other way in which she feels your life is much better than hers and finds it painful (are your children doing really well while hers is a bit stuck? is your career very successful while she has a poorly paid job she hates? are you very glamorous while she feels bad about her looks? etc).

She clearly does still care about you at one level and doesn't want to lose touch altogether, but just can't bear seeing you or close contact. She may change her mind and come back to you, but of course you may not want to wait for that.

I’m in exactly the same position but I’ve given up now. It’s so rude and upsetting. This has been going on for 3 yrs. This year I didn’t bother sending a birthday card and didn’t receive one. I unfriended her on FB. I got a Christmas card with a message saying she hopes we are both well but I didn’t send one back. Tbh she has been absolute cruel and nasty to me over the years and what she is doing now is just so spiteful that I’m not doing it anymore

This has happened to me with my best friend of 35 years. She moved an hour away, around the time I got divorced. She wasn't very supportive during the divorce which felt a bit shitty at the time and I didn't see much of her-which I put down to her having just moved. Fast forward 5 years. I have reached out to her Monthly. Just light messages. We have met each three times. She has replied to messages occasionally, and she instigated the meets ups. At the last one she told me she has been suffering with her MH, but she was feeling better so I would be seeing more of her. She has had fertility problems whilst I have two nearly grown up DD's and that might also have been an issue for her. She didn't show up for dd1's 18th and didn't even say why, though she had said prior to it that she would come-dd1 is her goddaughter so again that was pretty hurtful. I last saw her in September this year. I sent her a happy Christmas message and she replied but was too busy to meet.
I don't doubt she has had some Mh issues. But I do think in addition to this she has clearly decided that I'm not important to her anymore. It's been one of the greatest losses of my life tbh. We had been inseparable since we were 11. I've had to make my peace with it. I miss her and I still worry about her and I acknowledge that to myself, but I don't allow myself to dwell on it and I won't be chasing her anymore. You have to protect yourself a little OP. I don't think it's anything you've done. Grieve the loss and try as best you can to move on. You sound lovely to me and I'm sure lots of other people would be happy to have you as a friend.

I might well just turn up on her doorstep if I was you

I do think it could be your husband OP. She maybe just can't take to him. She just went through the motions at your wedding just for your benefit. I think it's similar with what happened with my ex friend.

Yes they would if they are not 100% sure about their decision to ghost. It sounds like your friend is in the low contact phase of cutting you off but something is stopping her going fully NC. Possibly her affection for your children. Or concern for them. You say she likes your DH but it’s an awfully big coincidence that she starts withdrawing almost immediately after you got married. Did something happen between them that he’s not told you about, i.e. was something said? Did she witness you rowing? Is he a decent man? Have you ever complained to her about him? Sorry to say but I would put money on it being something to do with him given the timeline and that’s why mutual friend is being cagey too - neither wants to say he’s the issue because you are/were newlyweds and your friend knows he’s not going anywhere.

@EmeraldDreams73 why dont you just jump in the car and go and visit??? you keep saying that you are not 12 but you are both acting like 12 year olds! all she can do is shut the door in your face. just ask her why she is being off with you and what the problem actually is!! an hour and a half away is not far at all!

Oh this happened with a uni friend. She was even a bridesmaid at my wedding. Never heard from her one day years later...complete silence.

I just left it and respected her wishes that she no longer wanted to carry on the friendship. People move on. That's life.

I am sorry you feel so hurt by what's happened but you have to accept and respect her wishes too.

She's jealous that you got married. That became plain to see when you wrote that it started after you got married and that she's been with her partner for 20 years, but they're not married.

You say they've been together 20 years so she could be married if she wants, but that just isn't true. Both partners have to say yes. It sounds as if she would liked to have been married, but he doesn't want to. Your marriage will be a painful reminder to her that her dp doesn't want to marry her.

I've had people pull away from me before when big life events happen, and in my experience there's nothing you can do about it. You can stay in touch, ask, cajole, plead, write, but some people let their feelings get in the way of valuable relationships. It's a real pity, and I have been as hurt as you in the past about similarly long friendships.

You got married and then you barely heard from her again. And she's in a longterm relationship with someone who hasn't proposed. Of course it's about your marriage!

I understand why she would feel bad, but there's no need to take it out on you. I had a similar reaction from someone when I got married, and ultimately it's a bloody cheek, because what their actions say is "You're not allowed to be married and also have my friendship."

I know how painful it is, but you're best off focusing on people who do want to be your friend. This one has proved a weakness of character, and those people don't make good friends. They tend to be the sort who run away if you become seriously ill. Also, getting married is a commonplace event. Who needs a friend who takes their friendship away because you got married?

I'm sorry that she turned out not to be the person you thought she was. I've been there.

No, it wouldn’t be the present. That would be a ridiculous reason to end a long term friendship. She is fading you out,OP. She sounds like cruel.I would suggest you draw a line for yourself, stop contacting her or replying, and move on.

OP. I’m so sorry. Something similar happened to me. A very long standing friend slowly phased me out. It was over a period of a couple of years, 25 years ago, and it still makes me sad. I feel for you.

If anyone reading this thread is doing something like this to an old friend, please please be decent enough to tell them why.

I think the 50th present is quite possibly the reason. I had 2 good friends of 20 years standing forget my 50th birthday, message on the day (prompted by Facebook) saying ‘oh we must go out for a drink to celebrate’ ‘your card is here I forgot to post it’ or similar, and six weeks later have not made any move to actually make an arrangement. I won’t fall out with them but have definitely taken a step back because the friendship is clearly not as important to them as I thought it was. From her point of view you prioritised your wedding plans and her significant birthday and your long friendship got downgraded? I assume she’d already accepted wedding invites so she turned up but she’d mentally dialled down the friendship to a lower level.
The only possible British response when you apologise or finally send the gift is ‘it’s fine, don’t worry’. It’s not the sort of thing you have a blazing row about.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, OP, it sounds heartbreaking. The reality is there’s nothing you have done that justifies this behaviour - if there was, you’d know what it was, as it would be something huge. A delayed birthday present is not huge, so please don’t beat yourself up about that.

I agree with another person that she’s not ghosting but she is trying to fade out. She doesn’t want to have a conversation about it at the moment, so she’s ‘waiting it out’ - either till she feels able to have the conversation with you or until you give up and let her off the hook from having to have the conversation.

You can’t make her have the conversation; the only thing you can control here is your response to this. I think you should draw a line now - maybe send a card to say as much and take a step back. I would even consider blocking her so you can’t get drawn back in by the breadcrumbing (she can always contact you by other means if she really wants to). What she’s doing is immeasurably cruel, perhaps not wholly intentionally, but cruel nonetheless and you deserve so much better. Time to look after yourself now 💐