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Original poster

To worry about oldest friend - barely any contact from her for 9 months

633 replies

EmeraldDreams73 · 08/09/2024 16:03

This is likely to be long, I'm sorry.

My oldest friend, P, lives about 1.5 hours from me, we've been very close for 45 years. Pre-technology we had the odd year or two where we just caught up by letter, but have been in very regular contact (usually WhatsApp) for probably the last 20 years. Our kids are similar ages. It's been rare for us to go more than a few days without contact, or a couple of weeks absolute max, though it ebbs and flows as we're both busy. We've been a huge support to each other for many years.

I got married 9 months ago (no, I didn't bombard her with tons of wedding shit beforehand! We had the odd chat about plans, she was definitely excited for it). She did a beautiful reading which was fab and I mentioned her in my speech, she and her family had a great time from what I could tell. No falling out or cross words at all. We were in touch briefly over Christmas as usual, but didn't manage to meet up (but had seen each other at the wedding just before, so I wasn't concerned).

I know she's always under a lot of pressure with work (p/t but very demanding), and I do remember her saying in January that she'd probably be a bit quieter than usual for a few weeks, as there was a lot going on with elderly parents and in laws as well. Obviously I said no problem, I don't want to add to her worries/stress with my own expectations, and said I'm here any time, don't worry at all.

But here we are in Sept and I've heard almost nothing from her since January and I'm worried. I suddenly know nothing at all about what's happening in her life when for 45 years we've had a pretty good idea of what's going on for each other. She has sent kind messages/ cards for my birthday and to my dds, all of which seem perfectly normal, but has given zero updates on her own life and asked for zero support, whereas she normally relies on me for emotional support, as I do her.

It just feels like something major must be going on and I miss her and I suppose I'm upset at the thought that she would normally want to talk to me but for some reason doesn't atm. I've tried really hard not to be upset but the longer it goes on, can't help it. It feels like grief.

I have messaged her a few times, never asking for anything from her, just giving brief bits of news as normal at first, and reiterating now and then that I was thinking of her and hoped she was OK. I've left it weeks on end between messages and tried to keep anything I do send as very short and low key, just checking in and never asking for a reply etc. I have said that I'm worried about her and that I'm here if she needs me, she responded with a heart emoji but still no contact. I'm almost sure she's not upset with me, there's been nothing I can think of at all but it often keeps me awake at night wondering.

Of course I realises she has no obligation to keep me in the loop, but after 45 years of being so close, and after multiple school hols where I hoped she'd get in touch (she works in education, as does her DP), I'm getting increasingly worried. I am also feeling hurt if I'm honest, not that I'd tell her - I don't want to make whatever she's going through about me. I do know that she's been struggling with menopause and she's had mh difficulties in the past, as has her DP and several members of her extended family.

I had an issue with another friend a few months ago (v different character and not a mutual friend, she was spectacularly bitchy to me and I was extremely upset but we sorted it out). While that was going on I did send P a more emotional message late one night - I felt like I was losing all my oldest friends, though didn't say that. Just said I really hoped she was OK, and if I'd done anything to upset her to please let me know, told her how much she means to me etc. She didn't answer that, which I took to mean that it's nothing I've done, and have made sure since to just send occasional, low key messages.

We have one mutual friend who is very blunt (and pretty rude at times, v different to both me and P) and when P has gone quiet in the past we would normally ask each other if she was OK. When I did this around March, she didn't reply and has ignored a couple of other enquiries - very out of character but we are in touch as normal, so I've assumed she either isn't worried, or has heard from P and she just doesn't want to be in close touch with me for now/at all. Which is fuelling the worry!

Has anyone else had this happen? I miss P so much. It feels like I'm being kept firmly at arm's length - she sends cards and the odd message (eg good luck to dd2 when she started college last week), it feels bizarre to have that contact without the other side of our friendship, ie any knowledge at all of what's going on for her. I want to help, to listen, to know if she's OK.

AIBU to be worried? I wouldn't dream of contacting her parents or anything, but it's so upsetting. Should I stop even my attempts at keeping things low key in case they're construed as pressure? Or keep going in the hope that whatever is going on, she eventually feels she wants to reconnect?

Sorry this is so long.

OP posts:
EmeraldRoulette · 30/12/2024 16:30

Cyclingalong · 30/12/2024 15:39

The comments and analysis from @CreationNat1on are incisive and imo very satisfying in the explanation they give. Thank you CN.
Do not be too willing in your keenness to re-establish the friendship to accept all responsibility for what has happened OP. You haven’t changed in the last few years. Her view of you has which she needs to account for. She should value you as a friend.

I could start a thread about how (depressingly) apt the observations made by @CreationNat1on are.

@EmeraldDreams73 i really hope it works out for you and your friend. I still believe in friendship though I feel like part of a small minority!

Cyclingalong · 30/12/2024 15:39

The comments and analysis from @CreationNat1on are incisive and imo very satisfying in the explanation they give. Thank you CN.
Do not be too willing in your keenness to re-establish the friendship to accept all responsibility for what has happened OP. You haven’t changed in the last few years. Her view of you has which she needs to account for. She should value you as a friend.

loobylou10 · 30/12/2024 14:57

I think she's been really cruel to you and doesn't deserve your friendship. If (and it is an 'if') you meet up, please make sure you tell her how much her actions have upset you. I'm not sure she deserves you as a friend. X

Truetoself · 30/12/2024 14:44

@EmeraldDreams73 I hope you will update us as I am curious what her reasons were as she implied there was a reason......

sonjadog · 30/12/2024 14:31

I hope she reaches out, but I wouldn't get your hopes up. But hopefully this will give you closure even if it doesn't go as you would like.

CreationNat1on · 30/12/2024 11:36

EmeraldDreams73 · 29/12/2024 17:01

I've heard from P!!!!! I'm so glad I sent that message. She apologised for the lack of contact and said it had gone on far longer than she intended due to "a mixture of procrastination and fear of conflict". She has visitors today but has promised to contact me properly tomorrow and get a date in where we can meet up and talk face to face.

I am beyond relieved. Whatever has caused this, I'm grateful to have the chance to talk properly. I'll see what comes of that conversation but for now I'm bawling hysterically all over again incredibly relieved.

If and when we do talk properly, I will obviously be listening carefully to what she has to say, and taking full accountability for anything I did wrong. But I will also make it crystal clear that I've been through hell this year and won't again. Next time she's upset about anything I expect her to use her words because this has messed me up SO badly.

Judge P on her actions (and not just her words). Let's see if she follows through.

P fears confrontation and you have been uncontrollably crying as a result of the communication. I think dial it all down a little. The intensity might be draining.

Lavender14 · 30/12/2024 09:32

"If a friend said anything like that to me I would feel so suffocated and run for the hills. This level of intensity about another human and their affect they have on you almost sounds like an intense teenage crush, and would freak most people out."

I also don't think this is fair. Op has had a very lengthy friendship and to have your best friend disappear out of nowhere is heartbreaking. Of course that would have an impact on anyone.

Op I'm really delighted you got that response and personally I think you're right to say this to her but in a gentle way. I think she needs to give you a reason and I think you need to be prepared as well that it might be something you've done or just part of your personality that she's been struggling with over time, or something entirely seperate but it also may be something you really don't see as being 'enough' to trigger what it did. But it'll be important to remember that even if it doesn't seem like a good eggnog reason to you, it was obviously a huge deal for her.

I also would be inclined to say (depending on what she says) that you are prepared to move forwards and try to figure out a new normal that works for you both, but that if she does this again without just talking to you then you wouldn't be able to move past it because it did hurt you and it was very difficult not knowing what you'd done or if she was OK or what a happening because you care about her and your friendship.

I really hope she does meet you and that it goes well. I think the ball is in her court now.

deeahgwitch · 30/12/2024 09:15

So @EmeraldDreams73, P contacted you and apologised for lack of contact - so she was very much aware of it.
She said it had "gone on far longer than she intended" - why did she intentionally not contact you !!!!
She says because of "procrastination and fear of conflict " - most odd
And not very complementary of you

Truly something associated with you was bugging her.

OrangutanDaisies · 29/12/2024 20:03

I hope it goes well. X

1AngelicFruitCake · 29/12/2024 19:53

Sorry I've just seen your update. At least you're going to be coming to terms with what's happened now. Don't blame yourself, she doesn't deserve your friendship x

1AngelicFruitCake · 29/12/2024 19:48

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

XWKD · 29/12/2024 19:36

I tried to drop a friend of 40 years as tactfully as I could. I just let things fade out, and now it's the odd meeting. Maybe once every couple of years.

I've also "disappeared" from friends owing to MH problems. I wasn't even aware of it at the time, but one of my friends mentioned it a few years later, and it just occurred to me that there was a time when I turned my phone off for months. I just didn't get around to charging it. That seems bizarre now, but that's how things were. My friend made reference to the times I "needed to be alone" and knowing I would always come back because we love each other.

I've also been the dropped friend. Trying to discuss it just made things worse, as I came across as needy. It took a couple of years of low contact to become friends again.

I think it just takes time for friends to find each other and rediscover why they became friends in the first place. If you force it you can destroy things permanently.

loropianalover · 29/12/2024 19:06

ThatKhakiMoose · 29/12/2024 18:10

I'm not sure that's fair; this friendship is decades long and of course people have strong feelings about longtime friends.

I agree that OP should prepare herself for anything though, and be wary.

Show quote history

I agree. OP should make it explicitly clear to P the pain she has caused. P has said herself it’s her own ‘fear of confrontation’ (cowardice) that stopped her opening up, she deserves to understand the impact that has had.

I really hope she reaches out again tomorrow OP and that you get the answers/peace you’re looking for, but to be honest her response pisses me off on your behalf. For a year now there’s been something else always in the way (her making excuses). Fitting that there was visitors again today, you’d think if she felt badly she’d want to call you tonight to hash it out. It sounds to me like she’s continuing to put it all on the long finger, but I hope I’m proved wrong. She’s ignored you for a year, one more day is clearly nothing to her….

Honestlyhonay · 29/12/2024 18:59

Sorry op I got p and the other friend mixed up in my earlier message. Well done.

Original poster
EmeraldDreams73 · 29/12/2024 18:37

ThatKhakiMoose · 29/12/2024 18:10

I'm not sure that's fair; this friendship is decades long and of course people have strong feelings about longtime friends.

I agree that OP should prepare herself for anything though, and be wary.

Show quote history

Thank you for this!

I'm absolutely prepared that she might still 'dump' me, just more directly, but the rest of her message doesn't give that impression at all. Personally I think 46 years of close friendship does (and should) warrant both proper communication going forward, and strong feelings.

We both have lives and families; neither of us have ever been ones for analysing every word or recriminations about perceived slights, we haven't got the time or inclination (and neither of us have other friendships like that). We have always just picked up where we left off. This year has been so out of character, and yes I have been desperately worried and upset, hence starting this thread. I will genuinely be interested to find out what prompted this behaviour, if I do hear back from her, and reflect on and apologise for any part I might have had in it.

Mutual friend, by the way, is messaging entirely as normal, sounding as warm and friendly as always.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 29/12/2024 18:14

You see that would really piss me off op. Once again she’s got you dangling, worrying, second guessing, going through the emotional wringer. I think she’s manipulating you again

ThatKhakiMoose · 29/12/2024 18:10

OolongTeaDrinker · 29/12/2024 17:56

That's great she has responded, I wonder if she will actually follow through with a date, or if this is another delaying message.

On another note though, I would suggest that you don't 'make it crystal clear that I've been through hell this year and won't again. Next time she's upset about anything I expect her to use her words because this has messed me up SO badly' If a friend said anything like that to me I would feel so suffocated and run for the hills. This level of intensity about another human and their affect they have on you almost sounds like an intense teenage crush, and would freak most people out.

I hope the situation works out well for you, but be prepared that from her point of view it might be a 'it's not you, it's me' kind of farewell chat and not the reconciliation you are hoping for.

Show quote history

I'm not sure that's fair; this friendship is decades long and of course people have strong feelings about longtime friends.

I agree that OP should prepare herself for anything though, and be wary.

ThatKhakiMoose · 29/12/2024 18:08

DowntonNabby · 29/12/2024 17:28

I've never found out if there was one specific thing that triggered it, but I've always suspected it was because she didn't like my partner and the fact he emboldened me to stand up to her. For years I had tolerated her mood swings and sniping because she was my best friend but after the third or so time he'd met her, he asked me afterwards why I let her talk to me the way she did. Having him point it out was a wake-up and I started to stand up for myself – within months I was ghosted! I was very hurt by being dropped but by the time she got in touch I'd stopped missing her and happily ignored her. Do you know why you were ghosted?

Show quote history

Good for you. Some people are only interested in a relationship if they can be their horrible selves to you.

Yes, I think I do know why. One really close friend of 45 years turned really hostile to me the moment my mother died. I think she had huge issues with death. The other friend, I refused to keep her husband's domestic violence a secret and I told her siblings what was going on. Both women put up a massive wall of ice after these things, both were friendships that were approx 45 years, and I've lost a huge chunk of my youth and memories through not having them in my life anymore. And there's no repairing things; these rifts happened a decade ago, and after about 18 months of me trying to be friends like before, I lost my temper with both of them. They got told some home truths, let's put it that way.

OolongTeaDrinker · 29/12/2024 17:56

EmeraldDreams73 · 29/12/2024 17:01

I've heard from P!!!!! I'm so glad I sent that message. She apologised for the lack of contact and said it had gone on far longer than she intended due to "a mixture of procrastination and fear of conflict". She has visitors today but has promised to contact me properly tomorrow and get a date in where we can meet up and talk face to face.

I am beyond relieved. Whatever has caused this, I'm grateful to have the chance to talk properly. I'll see what comes of that conversation but for now I'm bawling hysterically all over again incredibly relieved.

If and when we do talk properly, I will obviously be listening carefully to what she has to say, and taking full accountability for anything I did wrong. But I will also make it crystal clear that I've been through hell this year and won't again. Next time she's upset about anything I expect her to use her words because this has messed me up SO badly.

That's great she has responded, I wonder if she will actually follow through with a date, or if this is another delaying message.

On another note though, I would suggest that you don't 'make it crystal clear that I've been through hell this year and won't again. Next time she's upset about anything I expect her to use her words because this has messed me up SO badly' If a friend said anything like that to me I would feel so suffocated and run for the hills. This level of intensity about another human and their affect they have on you almost sounds like an intense teenage crush, and would freak most people out.

I hope the situation works out well for you, but be prepared that from her point of view it might be a 'it's not you, it's me' kind of farewell chat and not the reconciliation you are hoping for.

DowntonNabby · 29/12/2024 17:38

That's a great update @EmeraldDreams73 in terms of getting some resolution! I am pleased to hear caution in your response though, because as you say, her behaviour has really taken a toll on you this year and she cannot gloss over that and nor should you let her.

DowntonNabby · 29/12/2024 17:28

ThatKhakiMoose · 29/12/2024 17:14

This has happened to me before, too, @DowntonNabby. Did you ever find out why she ghosted you in the first place?

Show quote history

I've never found out if there was one specific thing that triggered it, but I've always suspected it was because she didn't like my partner and the fact he emboldened me to stand up to her. For years I had tolerated her mood swings and sniping because she was my best friend but after the third or so time he'd met her, he asked me afterwards why I let her talk to me the way she did. Having him point it out was a wake-up and I started to stand up for myself – within months I was ghosted! I was very hurt by being dropped but by the time she got in touch I'd stopped missing her and happily ignored her. Do you know why you were ghosted?

ThatKhakiMoose · 29/12/2024 17:14

DowntonNabby · 28/12/2024 13:30

Sad though it is, I think you're taking the right approach now, @EmeraldDreams73 – but don't be surprised if she suddenly reaches out months or even years down the line as though nothing's happened. I got ghosted by a friend of 20 years without an explanation – I only found out there was an issue when she binned me off FB – and about three years after the ghosting she reached out. I took immense satisfaction in not replying.

I did wonder if this had something to do with your ex-DH? Were they friends? Has she decided to take his side now you've remarried?

This has happened to me before, too, @DowntonNabby. Did you ever find out why she ghosted you in the first place?

Original poster
EmeraldDreams73 · 29/12/2024 17:01

I've heard from P!!!!! I'm so glad I sent that message. She apologised for the lack of contact and said it had gone on far longer than she intended due to "a mixture of procrastination and fear of conflict". She has visitors today but has promised to contact me properly tomorrow and get a date in where we can meet up and talk face to face.

I am beyond relieved. Whatever has caused this, I'm grateful to have the chance to talk properly. I'll see what comes of that conversation but for now I'm bawling hysterically all over again incredibly relieved.

If and when we do talk properly, I will obviously be listening carefully to what she has to say, and taking full accountability for anything I did wrong. But I will also make it crystal clear that I've been through hell this year and won't again. Next time she's upset about anything I expect her to use her words because this has messed me up SO badly.

OP posts:
Coffeeisnecessary · 28/12/2024 23:17

I think you've done the right thing too, I would be the same as you, it's too out of character to accept. I feel so sad for you OP and hope you get some answers.

BlanketLanyard · 28/12/2024 23:06

I'm sorry to read this OP, it sounds so upsetting. I find it hard to believe the gift is the only reason! Is she jealous over your new happy marriage? But best to try and move on from her, that's not easy to do at all I know.