To worry about oldest friend - barely any contact from her for 9 months

Precisely.

To me, the sum of her previous behaviour and her not answering the message yesterday is saying, loud and clear, "leave me alone". I don't know why she has been sending things from time to time, guilty conscience most likely. It would have been nicer of her to tell the OP that she doesn't want to be friends any more, certainly after it must be clear to her that this is causing the OP pain, but for some reason she hasn't done that. I understand that the OP wants closure and wants to talk to her about it, but she really is making it very clear that she doesn't want to and isn't going to do that. She can't be forced to talk, so the only thing to do is leave her alone, as she clearly wants.

No idea what kind of parents or "matron" you had, but projection is a thing, its quite the opposite. I was the one who, years ago, was trying to escape from a relentless ̶s̶t̶a̶l̶k̶e̶r̶ ex friend.

People like the ̶s̶t̶a̶l̶k̶e̶r̶ OP are never, ever satisfied, they want an exit interview they're not owed and a discussion nobody else wants and to rake everything over the coals, and just won't go away, instead tirelessly trying to force themselves back into your life and utterly ignoring your boundaries because of their own hurty feels.

In the end, I ghosted and blocked the ̶s̶t̶a̶l̶k̶e̶r̶ ex friend because there was no other way to be rid of her.

OP's post looks frankly obsessive and if it was a man doing this to a woman people would be concerned.

Other people are allowed to just walk away with no explanation at all, although I did try with my ex friend, she would not listen. And I strongly, strongly suspect that the woman the OP is hassling would have a very different tale to tell.

From my own experience and her own words OP appears to be obsessive and lacking in self awareness, and will hound this poor woman forever.

If her ex friend dies she'll ask everyone at the funeral why oh why did she ghost me and then visit her grave and leave a card saying "I just want you to know how much I care about you, still miss you, please send me a sign when I visit the medium next week"

Time for her to just take the hint.

Oh gosh. I remember this thread! You still don’t have answers? How odd of your friend! I hope you get some closure soon, one way or the other.

If I didn't hear from her today I would block her and move on. You don't know what you have done it may even be a misunderstanding, she has treated you poorly, a long friendship deserves better.

If someone doesn't want you there is nothing to be done about it. Hassling them just makes them want you even less.
And when someone is clearly ignoring you for months and months on end, collect your dignity, lift your chin. And take the hint

@Daisydaisy2024

This is written so eloquently that you are clearly writing from your own bad experience. Perhaps your parents or boarding school matron barked these instructions at you. It’s actually normal and healthy to want to know why people have hurt us and hurtful people need to take responsibility for their actions. Times have moved on. We hold people to account nowadays.

No, she hasn't. This poor woman (OPs ex friend) is being hounded and very occasionally sends something back to be polite. That is absolutely apparent from OP's incredibly long and frankly obsessive post.

And I noted that the OP is pretending to be worried about the woman, when in fact she's just upset at being ignored, and has even contemplated contacting the woman's parents but tells us she "wouldn't dream of contacting her parents or anything, but it's so upsetting."

That thought doesn't go through your mind unless you have definitely contemplated it.

As is often the case, OP is an unreliable narrator.

And let's examine how much hassling of this poor woman OP has engaged in:

"After multiple school hols where I hoped she'd get in touch"
Er, one school holiday where she ignores you, take the hint.

"Here we are in Sept and I've heard almost nothing from her since January." Jesus wept, take the hint.

"I've left it weeks on end between messages and tried to keep anything I do send as very short and low key"
Holy shit, take the hint.

Messaged to say "I really hoped she was OK, and if I'd done anything to upset her to please let me know, told her how much she means to me etc. She didn't answer that, which I took to mean that it's nothing I've done"
Er no, it means she's ignoring you, take the hint.

"and have made sure since to just send occasional, low key messages."
Even after being completely ignored AGAIN and telling her "how much she means to me"?! Feck sake, take the hint.

"We have one mutual friend who is very blunt and when P has gone quiet in the past we would normally ask each other if she was OK. When I did this around March, she didn't reply and has ignored a couple of other enquiries."
Wait, she's done this before? And your mutual friend is now ignoring your nonsense too? Holy crap, take the hint.

"It feels like I'm being kept firmly at arm's length". You are. Take the hint.

It just doesn't matter whether we want people to love or want us, and it's not relevant whether her friend is being fair or unfair (although my sympathies lie firmly with the woman OP is hassling).

If someone doesn't want you there is nothing to be done about it. Hassling them just makes them want you even less.

And when someone is clearly ignoring you for months and months on end, collect your dignity, lift your chin. And take the hint.

Also you can’t expect someone else to respect your boundaries if you don’t make it clear what they are.
leaving someone to blindly guess you boundaries and then getting angry that they failed to accurately read your mind - and cry boundaries! -, is quite frankly narcissistic, manipulative and abusive.

👌
She kept reeling op back in with contact as hope was fading! And after a friendship in excess of 40 years you would give a lot more leeway than you would a recent acquaintance, especially if they've said things might be quiet for a while <await further information>

@Daisydaisy2024 I don’t think you have read the OPs posts. You have misunderstood the situation. Telling somebody to bugger off and leave you alone would have been cruel but very clear and the OP would not have been confused. But that is not what happened. OPs friend did not tell her to bugger off. That is the problem.

You obviously enjoy being a bit of a Katie Hopkins style controversialist. That’s fine. It makes threads more amusing. But I suggest you base your comments on what actually happened rather than your own sensitivities. Snowflake.

Except she didn’t make it abundantly clear at all. It wasn’t the least bit clear. Hence the problem.

Wtaf. If someone makes it abundantly clear they want you to leave them in peace, just leave them in peace. It's not hard.

Wtaf. If you want someone to leave you alone then use your words and stop sending them messages and cards. It’s not hard.

I can’t believe you seriously think it’s ok to leave someone else in the prolonged confusion and turmoil of trying to guess what you mean, want and need, to avoid the very brief and minor discomfort of having to communicate sincerely and honestly.

That’s Honestly just pathetic. Have some integrity and basic consideration for the people around you. We all owe each other that- especially someone who’s been a dear friend for the last 45 years.

@EmeraldDreams73 my heart is breaking for you. I am so sorry that this has happened. I had a very good friend (not such a long friendship but about 8 years) who went through a lot of trauma with family and relationships and decided that she wanted to stop seeing everyone that she associated with that period (despite having told me previously that she loved that I was the only friend she didn't feel responsible for). It was very sad for me, but I respected her decision. It's hard and, even 25 years later I would still like to hear from her. I hope you get a happy solution but, if not, take care of yourself. And don't blame yourself - I am sure you have done nothing wrong. Your messages have made it clear that you are worried that you have upset her and she hasn't been kind enough to either explain why or put your mind at rest.

True. I was never really out of touch, just stopped messaging as frequently and avoided meeting up.
Obviously whatever I did caused offence!

I had similar with a friend of over 10 years, we were really close and then suddenly she seemed to just grow distant overnight we hadn't rowed or disagreed in any way at all. It dragged on with sporadic contact for a few more years and then taking weeks to answer a text.

So I just stopped bothering as it was making me feel awful, she had been quite nasty a couple times and I thought I'm just done with this. It was upsetting and still is but I don't have that awful feeling anymore of will she/won't she bother responding to a text or call?

Looking back in realised she was really only interested in our friendship when my life was at a low ebb being diagnosed with a chronic illness, going through divorce etc. When I was getting back on track divorced, new relationship new home and wedding planned she lost interest as she couldn't pity me anymore and boost her own low self esteem

I can’t believe she still hasn’t messaged!

She knows what distress it’s caused you so she either thinks you deserve it (WTF who treats people like that??) or doesn’t care.

Definitely cool and distant acquaintances. Life long friends can be wonderful - but if this is what it entails it isn’t worth it.

But this so called friend has been playing a double game - she has been sending OP birthday and Christmas cards, as well facebook messaging re OP’s dd university plans. And then doing silly things like promising to update OP and then not bothering.

It would have been far better for OP if this person had actually just ‘buggered off’ as you put it. Don’t you see that OP would have preferred honesty rather than this continual semi-ghosting?

This person has used the excuse of a late present to hurt OP with low contact. She hasn’t had the integrity to just say what her problem was and to tell OP she no longer wants to be friends.

It’ll be snowflake next

When you've finally hounded her into telling you outright that she'd like you to leave her be, as she well might, I do hope you respect her right to her own boundaries and choices and do so

Or she could’ve just said that on day one instead of dangling a carrot all year. If anyone is triggered on this thread it’s you. Which “friend” did you ghost?

Tell me you're triggered, without telling me you're triggered.

Tell me you've no pals without telling me you've no pals.

I'd rekindle the friendship if I got a proper apology from her, and a decent excuse for the way she's acted all year (like I said in another post, I had some temporary weirdness from three friends when the menopause was going on with them, which I forgave and we moved on). Otherwise...