To worry about oldest friend - barely any contact from her for 9 months

Phew that was an intense read for me lol so I can’t imagine how it was for you. My impulsive self just know would say forget about the friendship to hell with it but man 45 years is a long time. I’m an eternal optimist and as much as I’d feel like they were no longer trustworthy, I’d miss the friendship. My saving grace is I honestly cannot think of a close formed who’d do that or so I think phewi You’re almost between a rock and a hard place.

Then straight to feeling like her perspective must be the right one, therefore I'm failing in all areas of my life.

You're not. It's called negativity bias. It's a throwback, similar to fight or flight, to a time when noticing threat was crucial to our survival (sorry - I'm a mine of this type of random information! 😂). Anyway, it's why we tend to notice the negative - it's not a character flaw, we all do it.

Can you imagine being as petty and easily offended as your friend though? I think you need to reframe it now, and thank your lucky stars that you're not her! She's got such poor insight, she's more to be pitied than anything else.

It sounds like she really thought about how to punish you last year - at least you know now that it wasn't a misunderstanding. There were no life events that were preventing her from seeing you, it was her choice. You also know what to expect if she's disappointed with you again.

It's good to hear that you have a supportive husband and other friends around you. If not for that, some people may fall into line and put up with her rules.

'After so many years of abusive marriage'

Sorry you endured this op

You can't help wondering if she preferred you struggling, upset and needing her. Maybe the happily married you isn't the one she knows how to be with..

The only way P could have redeemed herself here is if she'd apologised profusely. 'I'm so sorry op, I was having a very bad year my self esteem was at an all time low and I was taking offence at everything everyone did, please accept my apologies. I so value you as a friend and I've been an absolutely silly cow'.

Yet she just seemed to list a few half baked non events without taking into account the hurt she has caused. Her behaviour has been far more upsetting than any seating plan or missed birthday card.

What comes across clearly in your thread is what a good friend you are, and how important it is to you treat others kindly and honestly. You're someone who most of us would want in our corner, and your 'friend' has overlooked that in favour of a series of petty gripes she didn't have the grace to raise maturely. She also sounds pretty self absorbed- the example of your wedding being a good case in point.
Nevertheless, you've got your answer now and it's clearly a her problem not a you problem. Don't let this negatively affect other friendships. Life is short, don't fall for the sunk fallacy cost of a long friendship. Put your effort into those friendships that are honest and reciprocal. They're lucky to have a friend like you 😊

If this is how she has made you feel, I would consider whether this 'friendship' is worth pursuing further. It sounds as if you have a busy life with lots of real friends, maybe time to let this one stay in the past? You have managed for 9 months without her do you really want to maintain the friendship?

>>"It feels to me like "I've said my bit, now we can resume our friendship." But actually I can't just switch back to normal mode after being ignored for a whole year, at least not for a long while and not without seeing significant and consistent differences."

I dunno, OP. Obviously you must do what feels right for you, but I think I would end the friendship and tell her why. No dramas, just a message to say "actually, I've had a bit of a think about it all and I cannot believe you put me through all that for almost nothing. We do not have the friendship I thought we had, and it would be disingenuous of me to pretend we can go back to friendly texts and birthday cards."

>>"Regardless of what she's expecting, from my point of view I already know that it'll be a FAR less close friendship than I thought we had, and that's fine. I'm not leaving myself open to that kind of shit again. It's fine to want a shift in intensity, or to cool/end a friendship. It's fine to feel pissed off at little things and either decide to say something, or suck it up and carry on. It's not fine to treat someone this way."

But she did treat you that way. And now she's finished treating you that way she's ready to be friends again. I'm not a confrontational person but I'd struggle not to tell her to F off!

Agreed. Op, I hope ‘surface pleasantries’ don’t mean resuming cards, gifts, invitations etc.

If you want to retain a surface friendship, NOW is the time to set the parameters. If you do the thoughtful presents and invitations once, you’ll be obliged to do it continuously.

Perhaps use her own complaint as a way to set the parameters. She said ‘why should I read/respond to lots of messages when your actions don’t match?’ and that she wants to check in via text and meet-ups. So you should say ‘I take on board about dialling back the long messages as they require effort, let’s also dial back the cards and flowers and presents etc for each other and the children, so that we can get back to just checking in with each other and re-building the friendship.’

The thing is, OP, if you continue with this friendship you're going to be walking on the metaphorical eggshells forever.

You will be nervously checking the calendar for her bloody stupid birthday and her children's bloody stupid birthdays and making sure you send the approved quantities of gifts, appropriate wrapped and BY the correct date (and no later!! Or else sulking will resume!! You have been warned, OP!!). And then suffering mental agonies after it's sent, wondering if the gift is "wrong" in some way or not sufficiently "thougthful" or not "enough," or has in some way set off the hair-trigger offense-taking mechanism.

Every time her elderly relative or cat dies, you'll be sending her message after message and anxiously reading and re-reading that condolence card you got for her, asking yourself "Is this enough? Will she feel sufficiently fussed-over and mollified? Or will there be another round of frosty behavior and accusations?"

If you invite her to anything, you're going to second-guessing yourself about, am I making her feel "special" enough? Am I inadvertently doing something that will set her off - inviting her too late, inviting another person she doesn't like, not putting her wishes first and foremost in the choice of the venue? Because who knows what could cause the next big drama...? She did manage to flounce because there was a pillar near her table, after specifically saying she was fine with the seating, so there's no really 100% safe way to invite her to things that doesn't create some risk of an argument.

I really, really, really can't stand people like this, and would probably be thinking about ending the friendship and saying this openly to her. And I am not someone who generally advises people to cut friends out of their lives!

It’s interesting that you found out the reasons and actually it’s just a few really petty things. So often you can’t find out why. She certainly expects a lot from friends!

What a weird post.....🤔

I don’t think anything on here "made the OP feel worse"

She blanked the OP for a year, a year!!! Being shocked at that and saying so isn't 'magnifying' it.

A year long sulk from a friend of 45 years over literally nothing but "don't take it personally" ??!!! And she "doesn't want to get rid of you" !!!!😮😂

I’m sorry to hear what you’ve been through @EmeraldRoulette. x

@EmeraldDreams73 the particular situation I'm thinking of, it's actually been this thread that's led to this insight about passing a test. I think the person who ghosted probably thought I would chase her and the "not quite 100% ghosting" is the test in itself.

but I haven't chased. Actually, it was not because I thought of anything like this situation. I simply assumed that she'd vanished the way others did and that she didn't want me around anymore for a myriad of reasons that come up these days. Just didn't "friendship love me" anymore I guess - there should be a word for this 😂

Again it's depressingly well documented on here but basically lockdown led to the loss of the very close friends I had (who were like family I thought) but they seemed to use it as an excuse to vanish into their families. I still can't talk about lockdown without getting upset - I was suicidal- so I won't expand further.

but yes, this thread has been an eye opener because one friend who didn't vanish in that period suddenly disappeared in March. I now realise - and it seems weirdly obvious- that many tests were set in the friendship and I was passing them but I suspect I was supposed to chase after her.

It's complicated but actually my mum knows this lady too, and she agreed that it was not a good idea to ask what happened.

@Cyclingalong sorry to hear you've been through this. Nothing should be that complicated!

All in the past now for us, but as I say @EmeraldDreams73 i suspect you'll get a lot more contact from her now. I guess cross that bridge when the time comes.

Yes, OP, it did make me question how others perceive me and if I unthinkingly do something wrong. Only my DH knows what happened.
She discussed it with her friend, showed no self-awareness, dismissed her treatment of me, had done this to others. Is this ringing any bells?
Fortunately she’s atypical of my friendships and in the past where she remains.
Look after yourself OP.

I agree. I have a feeling that rather than being the end of an upsetting situation, this is only going to be the beginning of the OP questioning the friendship even further and becoming more agrieved and upset looking for answers that will never feel enough.

You have passed a test she set. And that you never offered to take, obviously.

I failed the test, was ghosted, asked for a retry, listened to petty claims without apology. Her keenness was followed by surprising and unexplained slow fading which prompted me to block. I felt as if I’d been been controlled and manipulated for her ego.
I would not do it again.
OP is sage to be cautious.

I think this is a very insightful post.

She sounds such high maintenance. I think you've been more than attentive and, in comparison to her, the one who has tried to keep the friendship going even in times of apparent trouble. She was prepared to write you off - just think, if you hadnt persued this, how would things be now? You still have a friendship thanks to your actions and in spite of hers!!

I have to say my closest friendships feel the lowest maintenance. We understand that life is mad, we might forget to text each other back sometimes, not message for a few weeks, be a touch late on a birthday gift etc but we know it's not reflective of the value we put on our friendship!! We pick up exactly where we left off.

I think cooling this friendship off would be in your interest long term. This is just madness! You dont have to be unkind but you do not have to initiate or chase her. Sometimes stepping back from a controlling situation is the most powerful thing you can do!