Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still be pissed off

191 replies

Topshrunk · 08/09/2024 15:42

So partner and I have decided to split (on my terms) as his life didn’t seem to change when we had our children now 4 and 7. He doesn’t help with anything and is out most nights of the week on nights out/hobbies. After numerous attempts to try and make it work I now have nothing left to give. We have agreed for him to stay here until he finds somewhere but this is how this week went:

Monday- hobby until late
Tuesday - stayed in
Wednesday - out until late at pub
Thursday - went for food and pub until late
Friday - went to a club and got in at 5am
Yesterday - went out day drinking and I told him not to bother coming back so he didnt.

OP posts:
HateMyNewJobSoMuch · 08/09/2024 16:31

Sounds like he has never grown up. I’m amazed you’ve lasted this long. Kick him to the curb and get clear court ordered contact in place for the children.

I think being forced to actually parent his children on his own will be a massive wake up call. Twat.

BiscuitlyBoyle · 08/09/2024 16:30

He’s trying to get a mortgage? He’s just playing for time there. He can piss off to a short term rental in the meanwhile.

The problem is though that once he’s gone you will be responsible for the children 100% of the time.

Createausername1970 · 08/09/2024 16:29

Topshrunk · 08/09/2024 16:09

on what planet is this ok though?

Show quote history

Because some people get a kick out of making other people suffer.

If you act like he no longer exists in your life and you just aren't bothered by anything he does any more, he is inconsequential to you, that is one less opportunity for him to power play.

BeeDavis · 08/09/2024 16:29

The guy sounds like an utter loser 🙈 can’t believe you stayed with him for this long!

Cherrysoup · 08/09/2024 16:28

Do you rent or own? I’d be giving notice if renting so you can get out asap.

Ifyounevergiveup · 08/09/2024 16:27

Seems to me the issue is coming from you, isn’t it? You’ve told him you’re done but you're not following through. Start doing so but don’t be surprised if he holds on like a limpet; you should have changed the locks before having the conversation. Doing anything for him at all will simply encourage him to believe that this new normal is tolerable. Yabu if you thought this would play out any differently. From his perspective he’s doing exactly what you have told him to. Getting on with his new life on his own terms. Did you think that ending it would change him? It’s enabled him!

Original poster
Topshrunk · 08/09/2024 16:25

HousesChoices · 08/09/2024 16:24

I could be wrong but I get the feeling you don't really want to split up, but you hoped he'd feel so bad at the idea of separation that he would make an effort and change his ways.

As you've seen, he won't.

There's no point being angry. He sees being a parent as your job, not his.

He needs to move out ASAP. Do you want 50/50 custody?

Have a think about how you want things to be.

And DEFINITELY don't do anything for him while he's there. Nothing.

Show quote history

Obviously I am a bit annoyed he didn’t miraculously change and want this to work but I don’t want it to really.

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 08/09/2024 16:25

Just kick him out. If he stays it's on the condition that he is equally responsible for child and domestic duties. You are making it too easy for him. He's got even less responsibility than before. Time for some consequences for HIM.

HousesChoices · 08/09/2024 16:24

Topshrunk · 08/09/2024 16:13

He says he doesn’t see the problem as he doesn’t have any responsibility past 9pm

I could be wrong but I get the feeling you don't really want to split up, but you hoped he'd feel so bad at the idea of separation that he would make an effort and change his ways.

As you've seen, he won't.

There's no point being angry. He sees being a parent as your job, not his.

He needs to move out ASAP. Do you want 50/50 custody?

Have a think about how you want things to be.

And DEFINITELY don't do anything for him while he's there. Nothing.

bringincrazyback · 08/09/2024 16:23

I'm a big fan of people in relationships/marriages still being able to do their own thing sometimes, but it only works if it's a fair trade-off of time/parenting/domestic labour that gives the mum 'time off' too, and this hardly ever seems to be the case, it always seems to be the woman stuck doing everything. 😬YANBU to be pissed off at all, OP.

I disagree with the pp who said don't let him see you're bothered, though. I think he needs to get the message loud and clear that he's been behaving unacceptably.

ChristmasFluff · 08/09/2024 16:20

He needs to start being solely responsible for the children every other weekend at least, otherwise he's in for a big shock when you are properly divorced.

Original poster
Topshrunk · 08/09/2024 16:13

He says he doesn’t see the problem as he doesn’t have any responsibility past 9pm

OP posts:
YellowphantGrey · 08/09/2024 16:12

Topshrunk · 08/09/2024 16:00

He is trying to get a mortgage, could be months 😭😭

Are you renting or buying at the moment?

GoldenLegend · 08/09/2024 16:11

He can find himself an Air B&B for a couple of weeks.

Original poster
Topshrunk · 08/09/2024 16:09

Createausername1970 · 08/09/2024 16:08

And don't be outwardly pissed off. Inwardly you might be seething, but it's much better if he can't see you are bothered.

on what planet is this ok though?

OP posts:
Createausername1970 · 08/09/2024 16:08

And don't be outwardly pissed off. Inwardly you might be seething, but it's much better if he can't see you are bothered.

GettingStuffed · 08/09/2024 16:07

You can live in the same house separately. You need his cupboard and your cupboards. You also need to have your own cutlery and cooking implements, plus cleaning supplies.

Do not cook for him or clean or do his washing. If you have room designated personal areas are useful.

I expect he'll then start helping out with the kids.

Createausername1970 · 08/09/2024 16:06

Topshrunk · 08/09/2024 16:04

Yes. We had a trial split a few months ago where we told the kids he was looking after somebody’s house for a while’s I managed ok.

Show quote history

Fine, then crack on! 👍

stripybobblehat · 08/09/2024 16:05

Topshrunk · 08/09/2024 16:00

He is trying to get a mortgage, could be months 😭😭

He can move in with a mate to save up. Whatever. It's not your problem.

Original poster
Topshrunk · 08/09/2024 16:04

Createausername1970 · 08/09/2024 16:03

From this point forward arrange your life around him not being in it and don't do anything for him, such as cooking or laundry.

You are done, so make sure he knows.

The only issue is whether you can afford your home on your own.

Yes. We had a trial split a few months ago where we told the kids he was looking after somebody’s house for a while’s I managed ok.

OP posts:
Createausername1970 · 08/09/2024 16:03

From this point forward arrange your life around him not being in it and don't do anything for him, such as cooking or laundry.

You are done, so make sure he knows.

The only issue is whether you can afford your home on your own.

Original poster
Topshrunk · 08/09/2024 16:00

He is trying to get a mortgage, could be months 😭😭

OP posts:
YellowphantGrey · 08/09/2024 16:00

It looks like he's showing you how helpful he will be once he's moved out.

How long till he leaves?

Original poster
Topshrunk · 08/09/2024 15:59

Since finding out my mum has the kids he has gone out again!?!

OP posts:
stripybobblehat · 08/09/2024 15:58

Topshrunk · 08/09/2024 15:52

I have been cooking/washing etc still, I wouldn’t mind if he loaded the dishwasher or something before he left or cleaned up a bit.

Show quote history

Seperate washing baskets and food cupboards. You aren't his mum so stop looking after him