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Original poster

To still be pissed off

191 replies

Topshrunk · 08/09/2024 15:42

So partner and I have decided to split (on my terms) as his life didn’t seem to change when we had our children now 4 and 7. He doesn’t help with anything and is out most nights of the week on nights out/hobbies. After numerous attempts to try and make it work I now have nothing left to give. We have agreed for him to stay here until he finds somewhere but this is how this week went:

Monday- hobby until late
Tuesday - stayed in
Wednesday - out until late at pub
Thursday - went for food and pub until late
Friday - went to a club and got in at 5am
Yesterday - went out day drinking and I told him not to bother coming back so he didnt.

OP posts:
Original poster
Topshrunk · 08/09/2024 19:35

Andwegoroundagain · 08/09/2024 19:32

OK time to set some ground rules. I lived with my ex for about a year before we finally managed separate housing. It was hellish but things that worked

  • split the days almost as if you've properly split ie you take Sat and he takes Sunday and mid week you agree who does school runs
  • be absent when it's not your time - this is critical. Go and see a friend, cinema whatever. But do not be there let him sort out dinner or homework or whatever it is. If necessary just hide in your room. Do not get involved or interfere
  • accept his parenting is not your parenting. So if the kids wear yesterday's school uniform or have chippy tea twice in a row. You have to let it go and pretend you don't care
  • agree ground rules on who does what cleaning wise either you do bathroom and he does kitchen or alternate days or whatever. Then do not clean or tidy when it's not your days

It's horrible but you have to stop caring which is the hardest part

im not convinced I do care, I am gutted that I couldn’t make it work for the kids. I am gutted he couldn’t change but that’s it, the thought of being intimate with him makes me feel sick. What am I clinging onto exactly because I really don’t want him here!

I think I just don’t want to upset the kids.

OP posts:
Babbahabba · 08/09/2024 19:34

What a waste of space. Good on you OP. You'll only have two kids to look after now, instead of three.

Andwegoroundagain · 08/09/2024 19:32

OK time to set some ground rules. I lived with my ex for about a year before we finally managed separate housing. It was hellish but things that worked

  • split the days almost as if you've properly split ie you take Sat and he takes Sunday and mid week you agree who does school runs
  • be absent when it's not your time - this is critical. Go and see a friend, cinema whatever. But do not be there let him sort out dinner or homework or whatever it is. If necessary just hide in your room. Do not get involved or interfere
  • accept his parenting is not your parenting. So if the kids wear yesterday's school uniform or have chippy tea twice in a row. You have to let it go and pretend you don't care
  • agree ground rules on who does what cleaning wise either you do bathroom and he does kitchen or alternate days or whatever. Then do not clean or tidy when it's not your days

It's horrible but you have to stop caring which is the hardest part

Original poster
Topshrunk · 08/09/2024 19:32

jannier · 08/09/2024 18:59

So what happens if the kids get sick or wake up screaming after 9 is that nothing to do with him at least 50%

Show quote history

Apparently not!

OP posts:
teenmaw · 08/09/2024 19:27

With absolute respect you are being a total doormat. Give him a week to find somewhere, tell him he needs to agree a schedule so his kids know when they're seeing him, for the love of god stop mothering him and kick him the fuck out. Honestly he's walking all over you, you need to get angry and stand up for yourself woman, come on!! 👏🏻👏🏻

Tiswa · 08/09/2024 19:18

Tell him he has a week and then you are changing the locks (and speak to the landlord as well as it is just you in the tenancy)

it is over he is not your responsibility anymore if it is your stuff and you can afford it just tell him to go

do not leave your house he has to go. He is a grown man he can work it out

EG94 · 08/09/2024 19:06

Him continuing to be a selfish arsehole is a blessing in disguise. Imagine if he wasted another 4 months behaving right and you fell in love with him again then goes back to being an arse you have to go through all the emotional turmoil again!!

im going to assume he pays half the rent, I don’t know which day it is due but he will of paid up until the due date so say 15th is rent day, he moves out then no later. Don’t let him use you anymore

onwards and upwards, much love xx

achipandachair · 08/09/2024 19:06

The next thing is he’ll be saying he has to “take” the kids at hours as he has nowhere and he’ll expect to hang out there on your sofa eating your food on “his” days. Don’t let that happen.

achipandachair · 08/09/2024 19:05

Can you afford the rent on your own? If so - just get him out

LordBummenbachsMagnificentBalls · 08/09/2024 19:04

You’re not married and it’s in your name, just give him a deadline (few weeks max) and stick to it. In the meantime stop doing his washing, cooking, etc

Greenbike · 08/09/2024 19:00

If the rental is in your name and he’s not named on the tenancy you can probably just throw him out. As PP said, put his stuff into bin bags and leave them outside. Take his keys off him or ask the landlord to change the locks. Maybe ask a friend to come over and be there when he gets home to support you. If one of your friends has a tall and stocky husband who can be there too, all the better.

jannier · 08/09/2024 18:59

Topshrunk · 08/09/2024 16:13

He says he doesn’t see the problem as he doesn’t have any responsibility past 9pm

So what happens if the kids get sick or wake up screaming after 9 is that nothing to do with him at least 50%

MSLRT · 08/09/2024 18:58

I would just tell him to leave. The house is rented in your name. If he has nowhere to go then that is not your problem. He will have to get a house share. Sounds like he lives like a student anyway.

jannier · 08/09/2024 18:58

Topshrunk · 08/09/2024 15:52

I have been cooking/washing etc still, I wouldn’t mind if he loaded the dishwasher or something before he left or cleaned up a bit.

Show quote history

Put your foot down

Original poster
Topshrunk · 08/09/2024 18:55

Plus if I go to parents then what? Rent somewhere else? He should be the one to go.

OP posts:
Original poster
Topshrunk · 08/09/2024 18:53

BlackShuck3 · 08/09/2024 18:52

You could end the tenancy, not tell him & them move out while he's having a few days sofa surfing before returning to crash on your sofa.
Except your sofa will be gone when he returns!

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Everything in this house is mine, where will I store it? I don’t know what the best thing to do is? I want him gone I really do.

OP posts:
BlackShuck3 · 08/09/2024 18:52

Topshrunk · 08/09/2024 18:49

It’s rented thank god in my name!

Show quote history

You could end the tenancy, not tell him & them move out while he's having a few days sofa surfing before returning to crash on your sofa.
Except your sofa will be gone when he returns!

Original poster
Topshrunk · 08/09/2024 18:51

BettyBardMacDonald · 08/09/2024 18:05

I think it's well beyond this sort of point-scoring.

He's not going to parent those kids in any significant or meaningful way. OP needs to accept this and put all of her energy into make a new life. I hope she can access a solicitor and perhaps live with her parents for a while for support. The focus now should be on clearing up this mess ASAP and making a stable home for the kids.

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I have thought about going to my parents but I don’t know if that is the right answer. I have about 20k of savings that he doesn’t know about. His credit history is shot through credit cards etc which his parents have already bailed him out with once, they are doing it again so that he can get a mortgage.

OP posts:
Original poster
Topshrunk · 08/09/2024 18:49

xyz111 · 08/09/2024 17:39

Whose house is it?

It’s rented thank god in my name!

OP posts:
Original poster
Topshrunk · 08/09/2024 18:44

Runsyd · 08/09/2024 18:29

Do women get to process the split by utterly neglecting their kids? Thought not.

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Yes, when do I get to process it, there is no excuse. I had a bottle of wine one night and danced in the kitchen, still up at 7am with the kids, that’s all I got to process it.

OP posts:
BlackShuck3 · 08/09/2024 18:34

Werehalfwaythere · 08/09/2024 18:31

I don't think that's your problem. He needs to go whether he has somewhere or not. He should have been thinking about that before. Why is everything always on you to sort?

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Exactly, the reason he has nowhere to go is that he hasn't been looking for anywhere. He hasn't bothered because he is confident that he can manipulate OP in doing what HE wants her to do. Likely because he has been successful in the past.
OP, he will do whatever he thinks he can get away with, you will have to show him you mean business & will no longer be giving in to him.

Werehalfwaythere · 08/09/2024 18:31

Topshrunk · 08/09/2024 15:53

He stayed on a mates sofa last night and rang at lunchtime today saying he had nowhere to go, he did last night though when it was convenient. He can’t move into parents as they moved abroad and doesn’t really have any other family.

Show quote history

I don't think that's your problem. He needs to go whether he has somewhere or not. He should have been thinking about that before. Why is everything always on you to sort?

Runsyd · 08/09/2024 18:29

stripybobblehat · 08/09/2024 15:43

Is he processing the split? Have you discussed custody arrangements?

Do women get to process the split by utterly neglecting their kids? Thought not.

BlackShuck3 · 08/09/2024 18:22

Mumoftwochildrenand6furkids · 08/09/2024 18:19

Id be ringing up mates and planing an late night out, drop it on him last min to tell him thats hes looking after the kids today and just walk out before he can process it. Lazy bastard no wonder your leaving him.

He might deserve it, but the children don't, he'll deliberately neglect them in order to punish her.
It's not right to use children as weapons to punish people.

Werehalfwaythere · 08/09/2024 18:21

I'd change the locks and tell him he's no use at home so don't bother being there.

What a lazy, entitled twat he is. I'd want nothing more to do with him.