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Original poster

To still be pissed off

191 replies

Topshrunk · 08/09/2024 15:42

So partner and I have decided to split (on my terms) as his life didn’t seem to change when we had our children now 4 and 7. He doesn’t help with anything and is out most nights of the week on nights out/hobbies. After numerous attempts to try and make it work I now have nothing left to give. We have agreed for him to stay here until he finds somewhere but this is how this week went:

Monday- hobby until late
Tuesday - stayed in
Wednesday - out until late at pub
Thursday - went for food and pub until late
Friday - went to a club and got in at 5am
Yesterday - went out day drinking and I told him not to bother coming back so he didnt.

OP posts:
Original poster
Topshrunk · 09/09/2024 16:02

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 09/09/2024 10:26

Oh dear god. Well it's done now. Don't blame yourself. Just stay strong and keep him out your house. Focus on you and the kids.

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Also, I have told him to not bring the kids back here if he wants to spend time with them.

OP posts:
Wavescrashingonthebeach · 09/09/2024 10:26

Topshrunk · 09/09/2024 09:25

He was punching walls and escaping over the fence etc so clearly not in a good mental state. I was stupid enough to have another baby with him!

Oh dear god. Well it's done now. Don't blame yourself. Just stay strong and keep him out your house. Focus on you and the kids.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 09/09/2024 10:25

Topshrunk · 09/09/2024 08:48

I just feel a bit shit that I told PIL he could stay until he found somewhere but it was becoming unbearable. They probably hate me now.

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Fuck what they think! They aren't exactly bending over backwards to help anyone are they?!?!!?

Original poster
Topshrunk · 09/09/2024 09:25

He was punching walls and escaping over the fence etc so clearly not in a good mental state. I was stupid enough to have another baby with him!

OP posts:
Original poster
Topshrunk · 09/09/2024 09:23

When our first child was born he ended up moving out when she was 2 weeks old as he couldn’t handle the pressure. He kept falling asleep etc (recently been diagnosed with sleep apnea). I begged him not to go and leave me with our newborn. He did the same thing then, going out all the time etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Topshrunk · 09/09/2024 08:53

The kids haven’t even asked where he is 😩

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Original poster
Topshrunk · 09/09/2024 08:50

To be fair though, they don’t even live in this country and have no baring or involvement in mine or DC’s life.

OP posts:
Original poster
Topshrunk · 09/09/2024 08:48

bringincrazyback · 09/09/2024 08:32

You did!

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I just feel a bit shit that I told PIL he could stay until he found somewhere but it was becoming unbearable. They probably hate me now.

OP posts:
Haggia · 09/09/2024 08:38

Topshrunk · 09/09/2024 08:25

I feel a fool.

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You’re not a fool. He’s obviously very immature and not committed to yourself or family life, for whatever reason. You don’t want someone like that.

Maybe a little naive to think the shot across his bows would solve the problem, but for most fathers it probably would have done. Some people just don’t know what they want out of life and they can never be truly happy or settled.

Usually these tossers whoop whoop for a bit until they realise their friends actually are mature and decent people, and they end up with no one to play with. At that point they might latch on to another mum-substitute or “cool girl” (who’s usually just rough as and up the duff in a blink).

Just focus on yourself and your kids OP, work out the practicalities which will distract from the emotional stuff a bit and remind you of how strong you are.

bringincrazyback · 09/09/2024 08:32

Topshrunk · 09/09/2024 08:26

I think I did the right thing to tell him to go last night.

You did!

Original poster
Topshrunk · 09/09/2024 08:26

I think I did the right thing to tell him to go last night.

OP posts:
Original poster
Topshrunk · 09/09/2024 08:25

SugarHorseSpooks · 09/09/2024 08:16

that i can understand , it seems the split in theory gave him more freedom rather than restrictions at a guess from your other posts

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I feel a fool.

OP posts:
SugarHorseSpooks · 09/09/2024 08:16

Topshrunk · 09/09/2024 08:15

Yes, very true. Was hoping for a little respect maybe not to get worse.

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that i can understand , it seems the split in theory gave him more freedom rather than restrictions at a guess from your other posts

Original poster
Topshrunk · 09/09/2024 08:15

SugarHorseSpooks · 09/09/2024 08:11

but then if thats how he was when it caused the split , then what was you hoping for after you had split ?

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Yes, very true. Was hoping for a little respect maybe not to get worse.

OP posts:
SugarHorseSpooks · 09/09/2024 08:11

Topshrunk · 09/09/2024 07:14

Sorry if it was confusing but I was asking if should still be pissed off that he is acting this way even though we have split but was still living here.

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but then if thats how he was when it caused the split , then what was you hoping for after you had split ?

Original poster
Topshrunk · 09/09/2024 07:14

FranceIsWhereItsAt · 08/09/2024 22:09

Am I the only one who doesn't understand what the OP is asking if she is being unreasonable about? It seems that lots of people have jumped in giving advice about all sorts of things, but she hasn't actually asked a question, so how come 92% have said she's not being unreasonable???

Sorry if it was confusing but I was asking if should still be pissed off that he is acting this way even though we have split but was still living here.

OP posts:
Loubelle70 · 09/09/2024 06:27

BettyBardMacDonald · 08/09/2024 18:05

I think it's well beyond this sort of point-scoring.

He's not going to parent those kids in any significant or meaningful way. OP needs to accept this and put all of her energy into make a new life. I hope she can access a solicitor and perhaps live with her parents for a while for support. The focus now should be on clearing up this mess ASAP and making a stable home for the kids.

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Point scoring..im all for in this circumstance...but yes the point scoring will enable OP some independence and autonomy.. something she seems to not have atm. Going out and enjoying things she wants to do , alone, is only good. Then she can sort of what to do with this relationship when she feels emotionally stronger. But yes..point scoring was good for me initially, like a FU...it helped me get out of a relationship that i was swamped in ...he was also a selfish DH

BirthdayRainbow · 08/09/2024 22:12

FranceIsWhereItsAt · 08/09/2024 22:09

Am I the only one who doesn't understand what the OP is asking if she is being unreasonable about? It seems that lots of people have jumped in giving advice about all sorts of things, but she hasn't actually asked a question, so how come 92% have said she's not being unreasonable???

She's asking if she is unreasonable to be still pissed off..

FranceIsWhereItsAt · 08/09/2024 22:09

Am I the only one who doesn't understand what the OP is asking if she is being unreasonable about? It seems that lots of people have jumped in giving advice about all sorts of things, but she hasn't actually asked a question, so how come 92% have said she's not being unreasonable???

HousesChoices · 08/09/2024 21:59

Topshrunk · 08/09/2024 19:35

im not convinced I do care, I am gutted that I couldn’t make it work for the kids. I am gutted he couldn’t change but that’s it, the thought of being intimate with him makes me feel sick. What am I clinging onto exactly because I really don’t want him here!

I think I just don’t want to upset the kids.

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You'll know you don't care anymore when you become indifferent to him.

When he doesn't make you angry/sad/upset - because you just don't care - that's when you're truly moving on

Therealjudgejudy · 08/09/2024 21:14

Just kick the loser out already. He sounds pathetic.

AlertCat · 08/09/2024 21:01

I would contact the landlord or letting agent, explain that you have split up, and ask if you can change the locks (or tell them you are and make sure they get the keys they need). Then tell him his stuff will be on the lawn on [DAY] and he needs to have found somewhere to stay by then. His housing is not your problem.

good luck!

Original poster
Topshrunk · 08/09/2024 20:48

I need some stability for the kids, living like this is not good for me. I don’t need to feel
sorry for him it’s his own fault.

OP posts:
Original poster
Topshrunk · 08/09/2024 20:38

Andwegoroundagain · 08/09/2024 19:41

Yeah I hear you and then when you see him being a shit parent it just makes it worse.
You have to step away though from his parenting. Force him to engage and leave the house and leave it to him. He hopefully will step up. If he doesn't then at least you can then push for fuller custody when the time comes

He has gone to stay in a hotel

OP posts:
Andwegoroundagain · 08/09/2024 19:41

Yeah I hear you and then when you see him being a shit parent it just makes it worse.
You have to step away though from his parenting. Force him to engage and leave the house and leave it to him. He hopefully will step up. If he doesn't then at least you can then push for fuller custody when the time comes