To find it hard to maintain friendships with people who have had abusive relationships?

What about the other people who you find it hard to maintain friendships with because they've been in abusive relationships?

You've only given an example of one person here?

I have experienced this and yes it is hard. But you know why and that it’s a real issue for him so if the friendship matters to you you’ll have to accept it.

@something2say has posted a very wise and sensible comment.

People who have had traumatic upbringings or relationships have often come a very long way to get where they are and have to apply a lot of self discipline just to be able to handle relationships at all.

Its totally reasonable that you find his behaviour frustrating and want better communication but you have to remember this may just be beyond his capabilities. He owes it to you to be honest but if he’s an otherwise good friend I would not hold him up to the same standards of behaviour as someone who hasn’t been through this.

I see what you mean and I am a survivor of massive trauma so I'd be the friend in this scenario.

Let me explain how I see it, as it is a thing.

If I have been disciplined by having a hand around my throat and my head being banged backwards repeatedly against the wall, that memory is present in me for a long time and it is going to influence my feelings about having normal conflict in non abusive adult relationships. I'm going to avoid that conflict as much as I can, run away etc.

Shouting can upset people, stonewalling, mud slinging arguments - all can be incredibly damaging and the survivor has to wade through their own personal response to that to come to zero ('I no longer mind conflict') let alone come to a positive position about conflict ('I can handle and get something positive out of my conficts'). At the moment, your friend is feeling conflict as it has damaged him, and now you feel his response is damaging your friendship and how you can behave around him and what you can say.

As the traumatised person in healthy relationships, yet again I am on the back foot because everyone is functional now except me, and I've got my little bits left to resolve, if I ever will - so thanks again, abusive childhood - it is not nice to be that person when normal people don't understand and judge us, and we know we don't handle it right but we just can't help it, it is hard wired in me to be aware of people who might get so angry with me that they bang my head on the wall by my hair. I don't want to upset them and I just want to get away to safety by myself.

If your friend is in therapy or not, he may have some way to go to be comfortable in conflict and until he is, you may see strange or different behaviour, as you describe. It's like the ripples that spread out from abuse (yet another reason why abuse needs dealing with.)

Can you try not to see it as so much of a problem? Can you ask, when he is feeling better, what goes on for him and why? Do you know much about what happened to him? Any airing out will help him I expect.

I'd be more worried about how you're falling out with a friend, rather than their reaction to falling out

What disagreements do you have? I very rarely have disagreements with friends and I’d wonder about a friendship where there were frequent disagreements that cause an issue like this.
Anyway to answer your question everyone is different and I’ve not come across this as shared issue in people who have experienced abuse. It sounds like something he needs to work on but that’s his choice and your choice is to decide if you can cope with this or not

How many disagreements are you two having that this is even a problem? I can count on one hand the number of disagreements I have had with all my friends in the past 5 years.

It sounds like your friend has tried to explain himself & reactions to you but it's entirely your choice whether you accept this or not. I have had very very few disagreements with my friends as an adult though so maybe your relationship is a bit fragile anyway? It depends whether you value his friendship enough to let him retreat during these conflicts.

How often do you fall out?

If its often enough that his reaction is such a massive deal then maybe the friendship is over anyway.