To find it hard to maintain friendships with people who have had abusive relationships?

Given that most of your friendships have had healthy dynamics, I’m going to suggest you are not the problem here.

Some people in my friend group have arguments or debates. It comes from being very close friends so they can be frank without worrying about losing the friendship. The kind of people who grew up with healthy dinner table debates. I don't think it means they shouldn't be friends.

What are you having disagreements about so frequently?

Slightly different, but I have noticed (from a 3rd party perspective) that people with difficult families can have a habit of withdrawing – I think if you’ve experienced people who disrespect boundaries, you might tend to be quite protective of your own or need time to consider how you feel if relationships cross into territory you feel instinctually uncomfortable with. I think it can be a self-protection/-preservation measure.

If you’re finding this difficult perhaps explain that to him. He’s under no obligation to change how he copes with conflict between you, but at least everyone knows where they stand.

Seriously though, I think it’s unusual to be falling out with friends that often.

Way way too intense. Why so much navel gazing? Are you both locked underground in a vault somewhere?

Just dial the whole thing down. He probably backs away because he doesn’t have room to breathe.

Edited to add - friendships should be natural, they should happen organically. They should add something to the participants lives. Is this? Or not?

You are an extremely direct communicator, OP. Thorough and attentive to detail. That can be disconcerting for someone who has a more casual style. I have some relationships where I have to be particularly careful what I say, as they pin down any inconsistency and require a detailed explanation.
My communication style is more relaxed, about underlying messages rather than specific details. Being interrupted to iron out the exact timing of the traffic jam etc makes conversation hard for me.

What have you tried so far to reassure him that you are a safe person to talk to? Have adapted your communication style to avoid direct contradiction, or raised voices for example?

Exactly. I think the OP is very much in denial about what she wants from this ‘friendship’.

But just because you often speak daily, why is it a problem if you simply don’t speak daily sometimes? Why would you have that expectation? He’s a friend. He isn’t your partner. You have your own lives.

Maybe speaking daily is actually just too much, and that’s why you apparently fall out with enough frequency that it’s become ‘a pattern’.

It sounds to me that you are quite an intense person and that he needs a bloody break sometimes.

I think it’s interesting how you’ve framed your question- it makes it seem like this isn’t the only time you’ve found it difficult to maintain a friendship with someone who has been in an abusive relationship, rather than a specific issue with this friend. People react to conflict in different ways, try to understand their individual reasons for doing so.

OP, are you aware that you sound exactly like an AI?

Maybe that's why you're struggling with your friend. He's human, and you're not?

@Andoutcomethewolves How long do you panic attacks last? Is it days or week?

I'm finding some of the responses on here really quite frustrating, particularly the PPs who are asserting that because they or people they are close to don't react that way after having experienced abuse the friend must be somehow faking his reactions, or is even the abuser himself. Not all abuse is the same. Not all people react the same way even when they have experienced very similar forms of abuse.

I have diagnosed C-PTSD after a previous 9 year physically and emotionally abusive relationship. When my (not at all abusive!) DH does or says certain things that trigger my C-PTSD I can react badly - sometimes I have a full on panic attack, sometimes I need to get away from the situation for a while and sometimes I even self harm. None of this is done deliberately to 'punish' DH. My control over my reactions is honestly limited - if I could choose to react like a 'normal' person, I obviously would! Luckily my DH does understand although I do recognise it's unfair on him.

I do think though OP that your friend needs to take some responsibility for his reactions even if he can't control them in the moment. I always apologise when I'm calm, we talk it through and always end with a big hug. Obviously it's a different dynamic as this is your friend rather than DP or DH but the principle is the same. I know my emotional reactions can be OTT and am doing some online therapy to try to learn how to deal with them and my past traumanas constructively as possible (also on an NHS waiting list but that takes forever...). Do you think that is something your friend might be open to? I also do kind of feel like this seems like an awful lot of stress (for both of you!) just a year into a friendship... only you can know whether it's worth it!

If het can't help it and can't/won't work on his behavior you can only decide if you want to put up with it or not. Only you can decide if this is a friendship dealbreaker or if you can accept it.

Thank goodness! I was starting to think I'd been on Mumsnet too long!

Were you friends with him when he was in this relationship because I too think he actually sounds abusive himself!

The ' miscommunications' resulting in falling out followed by days of stone walling are classic abuse tactics!

OP it is not a friendship, not a platonic one anyway. It could be a non sexual relationship but there is definitely more to it. He could be that way due to his past or he could quite well just be a prick. I put up with this shite because I was in love with my ex but if a friend did it there would be a friendship ending. You do not fall out with friends this often. I think he has you blindsided to be honest. Im sorry but I would be walking very very quickly away from this.

Have you ever regularly fallen out with any other friends in your adult life?