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AIBU?

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Original poster

To find it hard to maintain friendships with people who have had abusive relationships?

135 replies

Newlifeincoming · 08/09/2024 11:40

I have a close friend, a guy, whose previous relationship was quite abusive. We were very close, but I’ve noticed that whenever we have disagreements he tends to retreat and goes silent, actively ignoring me for a few days to a week. He’s explained that his reaction is influenced by the abuse he experienced, as he’s very conflict-avoidant now. He’s always apologetic and explains himself once he comes out of his silence.

I’m struggling with this dynamic and finding it challenging to maintain our friendship, even though I understand where he’s coming from.

AIBU to feel this way, or is it a common issue when dealing with friends who have had similar experiences?

OP posts:
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sonjadog · 09/09/2024 18:07

aliasname · 09/09/2024 17:53

This is an A.I. isn’t it? The constant repetition of the same stock phrases without any detail. The harping on about communication issues while at the same time not really communicating anything except different perspectives and feelings and reflection and other buzzwords. It’s really weird.

Yes, I would say so! It is odd to read isn't it. At first read it seems like the response is real, and then if you look more closely, it is always just missing the point and the same stock ideas are repeated over and over again. In a way, it is quite interesting to see in action.

Original poster
Newlifeincoming · 09/09/2024 17:58

I’m about to depart for a holiday now. Thank you to those who have left constructive comments. The rest of you can fuck off. I won’t be seeing the rest of the comments.

OP posts:
Original poster
Newlifeincoming · 09/09/2024 17:58

I’m about to depart for a holiday now. Thank you to those who have left constructive comments. The rest of you can fuck off. I won’t be seeing the rest of the comments.

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Original poster
Newlifeincoming · 09/09/2024 17:56

aliasname · 09/09/2024 17:53

This is an A.I. isn’t it? The constant repetition of the same stock phrases without any detail. The harping on about communication issues while at the same time not really communicating anything except different perspectives and feelings and reflection and other buzzwords. It’s really weird.

No.

OP posts:
Original poster
Newlifeincoming · 09/09/2024 17:56

MidYearDiary · 09/09/2024 17:49

Yes, but you must have been talking or, or doing something in order for these 'misunderstandings' to take place! I agree with a pp. The way you talk about this makes it sound as if a conversation about what you did at the weekend is like some kind of international treaty negotiation! What are all these misunderstandings that keep happening?

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I’ve addressed this in another comment to Gary. Keep up.

OP posts:
aliasname · 09/09/2024 17:53

This is an A.I. isn’t it? The constant repetition of the same stock phrases without any detail. The harping on about communication issues while at the same time not really communicating anything except different perspectives and feelings and reflection and other buzzwords. It’s really weird.

MidYearDiary · 09/09/2024 17:49

Newlifeincoming · 09/09/2024 14:38

Thanks for asking. The fallouts haven’t really been about trivial things. They’ve usually been about misunderstandings or times where one of us felt hurt but didn’t communicate properly. I think both of us can struggle with addressing things head-on sometimes, and that’s caused tension. We’ve always been able to talk through things eventually, but this time feels different, and I’m not really sure why. It’s hard because we do genuinely enjoy each other’s company and care for each other.

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Yes, but you must have been talking or, or doing something in order for these 'misunderstandings' to take place! I agree with a pp. The way you talk about this makes it sound as if a conversation about what you did at the weekend is like some kind of international treaty negotiation! What are all these misunderstandings that keep happening?

Original poster
Newlifeincoming · 09/09/2024 17:42

missmollygreen · 09/09/2024 17:37

This is possibly the most self obsessed and entitled thing I have ever met on MN.

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I doubt that. Get a grip, stop jumping to conclusions and projecting.

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missmollygreen · 09/09/2024 17:37

Newlifeincoming · 08/09/2024 12:46

The fallouts aren’t extremely frequent, but when they do happen, his reaction is quite pronounced and it impacts me significantly.

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This is possibly the most self obsessed and entitled thing I have ever met on MN.

Original poster
Newlifeincoming · 09/09/2024 16:55

OldCrocks · 09/09/2024 15:41

I think any abuse history is entirely beside the point. It sounds to me like one of those complicated "friendships" you have with a guy that's just not that into you. I'd sack it off if I were you, OP. Life's too short.

I understand why you might think that but he has expressed that he’s very much “into me.” The situation is more complex than that. I appreciate your perspective but the issues we’re facing are more about how we communicate and handle conflicts, rather than feelings or interest levels.

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Original poster
Newlifeincoming · 09/09/2024 16:31

GaryLurcher19 · 09/09/2024 15:17

Sorry OP, I am still struggling to picture that. Misunderstandings must be about something. Is it certain topics of conversation? Could you avoid those types of conversation altogether?

Sorry Gary. The misunderstandings have mostly been around how we communicate our feelings, not so much specific topics of conversation. It’s more about timings and how we’ve addressed things. Avoiding certain conversations hasn’t really been the issue, but I guess working on how we express things when something is bothering us could help.

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OldCrocks · 09/09/2024 15:41

I think any abuse history is entirely beside the point. It sounds to me like one of those complicated "friendships" you have with a guy that's just not that into you. I'd sack it off if I were you, OP. Life's too short.

SquirrelSoShiny · 09/09/2024 15:26

Psychoticbreak · 08/09/2024 13:26

My ex used to do this but it was nothing to do with previous abuse, he himself just uses the silent treatment to punish so I am not sure of it is an avoidance thing or an abuse thing to be honest.

This.

It is perfectly possible for a traumatised person to be extremely abusive themselves, especially if they have lots of NPD or ASPD traits.

GaryLurcher19 · 09/09/2024 15:17

Sorry OP, I am still struggling to picture that. Misunderstandings must be about something. Is it certain topics of conversation? Could you avoid those types of conversation altogether?

Original poster
Newlifeincoming · 09/09/2024 14:38

GaryLurcher19 · 09/09/2024 13:35

Can you give us an example of the things you fall out over, OP? Because a year long friendship should be based on mutual enjoyment of each other's company. It seems odd to be falling out. Is it over where to go? What take away to order from?

Thanks for asking. The fallouts haven’t really been about trivial things. They’ve usually been about misunderstandings or times where one of us felt hurt but didn’t communicate properly. I think both of us can struggle with addressing things head-on sometimes, and that’s caused tension. We’ve always been able to talk through things eventually, but this time feels different, and I’m not really sure why. It’s hard because we do genuinely enjoy each other’s company and care for each other.

OP posts:
GaryLurcher19 · 09/09/2024 13:35

Can you give us an example of the things you fall out over, OP? Because a year long friendship should be based on mutual enjoyment of each other's company. It seems odd to be falling out. Is it over where to go? What take away to order from?

ChandelierDrop · 09/09/2024 13:34

Honestly, OP, your language about this makes it sound less like a friendship than a major international treaty that needs continual renegotiation between countries no longer sure their interests lie together!

armadillio · 09/09/2024 13:30

The responses are very repetitive now, I’m struggling to see any development in the thread.

artificial intelligence no GIF by ADWEEK
Alalalala · 09/09/2024 13:28

What I was asking is: is it him saying things which hurt you, and then you reacting?

Original poster
Newlifeincoming · 09/09/2024 13:23

Alalalala · 09/09/2024 12:03

It does seem if there is too much intensity to this friendship. Like a friendship but with relationship rules. That doesn’t sound healthy @Newlifeincoming although I can appreciate this person obviously means a lot to you.

So are the disagreements mainly him saying something that upsets or bothers you, which you point out, and then he vanishes?

Yes, the situation has involved some intense dynamics, and I’m working to understand and manage them. Disagreements do tend to arise between us, and it sometimes leads to a period of silence, which is what I’m trying to address. My goal is to find a way to handle this in a healthy manner and maintain open communication.

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Original poster
Newlifeincoming · 09/09/2024 13:21

MinorTom · 09/09/2024 12:03

Why are you attracted to this relationship @Newlifeincoming to me the intensity and connection you are getting from it are beyond normal friendship levels. I think you are displaying very poor boundaries around your own wellbeing here. Was your childhood full of connection or lacking in that, was there good communication between you and your parents or poor communication. By that I mean could you communicate what you were feeling to your parents without being dismissed.

Healthy people step back from unhealthy relationships and speak out about their issues and expect to be heard and if they cannot be heard due to the other persons issues they step away.

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I understand that this situation might seem intense, and I appreciate your concern. I’m trying to address the issues in this friendship thoughtfully, and it’s important to me to communicate openly about it. My approach is about finding a balanced resolution rather than forcing or clinging to the friendship. I do appreciate your comment and will think about what you’ve raised.

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Original poster
Newlifeincoming · 09/09/2024 13:17

MeAgainAndAgain · 09/09/2024 12:54

Ohh I’m sorry. I can see this is causing you some pain.

But I still maintain you’re not reading peoples answers though.

Why is he worth all this angst? What does he give you that is so special that other people don’t also give, but give more freely?

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Thanks for your concern, but I’ve considered all the responses and reflected on them. The situation is important to me for my own reasons, and I’m working through it in my way.

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MeAgainAndAgain · 09/09/2024 12:54

Newlifeincoming · 09/09/2024 12:44

You’re taunting. Move on from the discussion and get a life. What are you gaining from this?

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Ohh I’m sorry. I can see this is causing you some pain.

But I still maintain you’re not reading peoples answers though.

Why is he worth all this angst? What does he give you that is so special that other people don’t also give, but give more freely?

Sugarsugarahhoneyhoney · 09/09/2024 12:50

Healthy people step back from unhealthy relationships, this is not a healthy relationship whichever way you look at it. Friendship should not be this hard.

Original poster
Newlifeincoming · 09/09/2024 12:44

MeAgainAndAgain · 09/09/2024 12:38

No, I’m good thanks 👍.

I’m reflecting on our differing communication styles and trying to see how I can modify my expectations when I’m on this thread.

I think we are still conflict free, aren’t we? A little intense perhaps, but it’s within my tolerable limits.

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You’re taunting. Move on from the discussion and get a life. What are you gaining from this?

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