Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think partner's overtime is excessive

112 replies

overtimestress · 08/09/2024 10:09

This week by the end of today, he will have worked 70 hours across 5 days (Tues-Sun). Half of those are overtime. I haven't seen him at all really all week. He's done night shifts, early mornings, late evenings... you name it. I'm parenting our toddler by myself and keeping on top of the housework, as well as working 30 hours a week in a mentally and emotionally draining job. AIBU that his is excessive? He doesn't seem to get the message. I feel like I'm drowning and just need him home more often. We don't need all of the extra money - we could get by on half of what he's doing and be comfortable. He just gets obsessed with the figures in his take home pay and it's literally destroying the family and our relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
overtimestress · 08/09/2024 10:54

buttonsB4 · 08/09/2024 10:49

You are BOTH working overtime.

He is getting paid for his, plus getting kudos for being the provider.

You are working 30 hours a week, plus doing all of the "unseen" and certainly unpraised labour of raising a child, doing the cooking, cleaning, laundry etc.

He should be doing half the childcare plus half the housework, and instead he's forcing you to do his share, whilst he does paid work.

This leaves you in a financially less secure position, especially as you're unmarried, as his igher income, is presumably paying more into his pension, savings etc, but he's only able to do this because YOU ARE DOING HIS SHARE OF LABOUR FOR FREE.

You need to have a sit down conversation with him about roles and responsibilities and say you are fed up of covering his workload because he is choosing to be elsewhere.

The only person he's benefiting is himself, and as you say, you'd be better off as a single person without him, but he'd be much worse off without you.

Thank you @buttonsB4, you have so clearly articulated exactly why I feel so run down and frustrated and annoyed! I am doing so much unseen and unrewarded labour in the background to enable him to do these crazy hours. Then he proudly announces his take home pay like I should worship at his feet? Whilst I'm frazzled and burnt out, literally a shell of myself, and who's showing gratitude to me for that? No one. I'm so fed up 😢

OP posts:
MILLYmo0se · 08/09/2024 10:54

overtimestress · 08/09/2024 10:17

DD hasn't seen him really all week. I still haven't really seen him properly to have a conversation with him about something the nursery staff handed over to me on Friday afternoon at pick up. It's just days and days of no communication or quality time as a family. I'm so fed up, I feel like I might as well be single. At least then I'd get a proper break when she went to him.

I wouldn't bet on him taking her, he ll be at work or sleeping after a night shift

sunsetsandboardwalks · 08/09/2024 10:52

CombatBarbie · 08/09/2024 10:18

Legally his employer is at fault for allowing him to breach the working time directive. Especially with the lack of down time between shifts.

Think a frank and open discussion is needed. Des he spend any time with DC.

You can opt out of the working time directive if you want - you just need to sign a bit of paper to say you agree to it.

Ijustdontcare · 08/09/2024 10:52

CombatBarbie · 08/09/2024 10:18

Legally his employer is at fault for allowing him to breach the working time directive. Especially with the lack of down time between shifts.

Think a frank and open discussion is needed. Des he spend any time with DC.

The Working Time Directive isn't worth the paper its written on. Employers can just get someone to sign saying they opt out of it and then they are free to do what they want. Sounds like OP's partner would have signed willingly

longdistanceclaraclara · 08/09/2024 10:51

CombatBarbie · 08/09/2024 10:18

Legally his employer is at fault for allowing him to breach the working time directive. Especially with the lack of down time between shifts.

Think a frank and open discussion is needed. Des he spend any time with DC.

He will have signed out. Totally legal if he has.

Magdaman · 08/09/2024 10:51

overtimestress · 08/09/2024 10:47

If it's relevant (and I am certain it is), he had financial difficulties in his previous marriage. His wife ran up a lot of debt that he had no knowledge of but was signed jointly in his name (fraud essentially), and she didn't work so he had to work hard to clear those debts. I do think he's still in an anxious mindset about money even though he's in a totally different relationship and situation now.

The problem is not him being anxious about it, it's him thinking it's entirely HIS choice and not your (plural) choice. It's not rocket science to check with your wife how she'd feel about doing yet another evening solo parenting.

sunsetsandboardwalks · 08/09/2024 10:50

He'd obviously rather be at work than be at home.

It's up to you whether you tolerate it or not.

simpledeer · 08/09/2024 10:49

overtimestress · 08/09/2024 10:45

@simpledeer
I've tried. It didn't go very well. He was tired and snappy from all the overtime, as was I from juggling everything else. He just kept saying "you want nice things like holidays". I said it would be preferable if we could manage those things without killing us both in the process. He takes it to an extreme - he can't see a middle ground. He's got into his head it's either no overtime and we are skint or he does an excessive amount of hours per week and is never home. He can't see my point about the middle ground and I'm starting to think he never will. I did say I was at breaking point and considering leaving. He just shrugged and said "if that's what you want"

Well then he’s made his choice.

What will you do?

buttonsB4 · 08/09/2024 10:49

You are BOTH working overtime.

He is getting paid for his, plus getting kudos for being the provider.

You are working 30 hours a week, plus doing all of the "unseen" and certainly unpraised labour of raising a child, doing the cooking, cleaning, laundry etc.

He should be doing half the childcare plus half the housework, and instead he's forcing you to do his share, whilst he does paid work.

This leaves you in a financially less secure position, especially as you're unmarried, as his igher income, is presumably paying more into his pension, savings etc, but he's only able to do this because YOU ARE DOING HIS SHARE OF LABOUR FOR FREE.

You need to have a sit down conversation with him about roles and responsibilities and say you are fed up of covering his workload because he is choosing to be elsewhere.

The only person he's benefiting is himself, and as you say, you'd be better off as a single person without him, but he'd be much worse off without you.

Magdaman · 08/09/2024 10:49

He is treating you very badly, massively taking you for granted, not listening to you or caring about what you want/need. Yet infuriatingly he probably expects you to be grateful to him!

You didn't sign up for this, it's not fair for him to choose this unilaterally.

Original poster
overtimestress · 08/09/2024 10:47

If it's relevant (and I am certain it is), he had financial difficulties in his previous marriage. His wife ran up a lot of debt that he had no knowledge of but was signed jointly in his name (fraud essentially), and she didn't work so he had to work hard to clear those debts. I do think he's still in an anxious mindset about money even though he's in a totally different relationship and situation now.

OP posts:
Original poster
overtimestress · 08/09/2024 10:45

@simpledeer
I've tried. It didn't go very well. He was tired and snappy from all the overtime, as was I from juggling everything else. He just kept saying "you want nice things like holidays". I said it would be preferable if we could manage those things without killing us both in the process. He takes it to an extreme - he can't see a middle ground. He's got into his head it's either no overtime and we are skint or he does an excessive amount of hours per week and is never home. He can't see my point about the middle ground and I'm starting to think he never will. I did say I was at breaking point and considering leaving. He just shrugged and said "if that's what you want"

OP posts:
stripybobblehat · 08/09/2024 10:44

Positivenancy · 08/09/2024 10:14

Could you survive on his pay if he didn’t do any overtime?

The op makes this clear

stripybobblehat · 08/09/2024 10:43

offyoujollywelltrot · 08/09/2024 10:11

He probably doesn't want to do any parenting.

This or he's lying and has been down the pub

simpledeer · 08/09/2024 10:37

Well you need to have a make or break conversation don’t you? Tell him how unhappy you are and that if he doesn’t cut back you will leave.

Feliciacat · 08/09/2024 10:33

It’s not illegal to work more than 48 hours per week if you opt out of it by signing a written agreement. It is inadvisable to work so much though and his employer is uncaring and should be encouraging him to not work so much.

Ginmonkeyagain · 08/09/2024 10:31

Sounds like he has become obsessed with being a "financial provider" now he is a father, and has lost sight of the other things needed of a good father and partner - time, involvement, sharing domestic tasks etc..

Original poster
overtimestress · 08/09/2024 10:29

StormingNorman · 08/09/2024 10:24

Did he do all this overtime before the baby?

Not to this extent, no.

OP posts:
Original poster
overtimestress · 08/09/2024 10:27

He takes great pride in telling me how much he'll be taking home next month with his overtime, like I see a buzz in his face that isn't there for anything else. I honestly think he is just money orientated above all else, he sees his take home pay as more important than my health and well-being when I'm drowning in everything else between my own work, childcare and looking after the home.

OP posts:
Original poster
overtimestress · 08/09/2024 10:25

It's strange though because on his days off (albeit they are rare), he is very much wanting to do things together as a family, days out etc. He opts into it all with bells on when he's not at work. So I'm not sure if he is avoiding home life, I think it's more an obsession with money.

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 08/09/2024 10:24

Did he do all this overtime before the baby?

offyoujollywelltrot · 08/09/2024 10:24

Thevelvelletes · 08/09/2024 10:21

Saw it in male dominated industry,slow down working to create overtime and when they thought everyone else left for the day, workshops empty and sitting in office on phones, yapping.
This was to avoid going home to help.

Show quote history

Sounds about right. They talk about wanting kids, and then realise it's too much work and disappear. They also don't like not being a priority anymore, so they sulk.

Original poster
overtimestress · 08/09/2024 10:24

@BlueMum16 he's not operating machinery but he's working in a high risk environment

OP posts:
Original poster
overtimestress · 08/09/2024 10:23

He's the one they call all the time if they need cover as they know he always wants the overtime. He becomes so tunnel visioned and obsessed with his take home pay, it's all he sees above all else. He doesn't see his partner miserable and exhausted doing everything else in his absence. Or his young daughter missing him 😔

OP posts:
Icanttakethisanymore · 08/09/2024 10:23

since you have a child who needs looking after, his working hours (and yours) need to be joint decisions.