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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think partner's overtime is excessive

112 replies

overtimestress · 08/09/2024 10:09

This week by the end of today, he will have worked 70 hours across 5 days (Tues-Sun). Half of those are overtime. I haven't seen him at all really all week. He's done night shifts, early mornings, late evenings... you name it. I'm parenting our toddler by myself and keeping on top of the housework, as well as working 30 hours a week in a mentally and emotionally draining job. AIBU that his is excessive? He doesn't seem to get the message. I feel like I'm drowning and just need him home more often. We don't need all of the extra money - we could get by on half of what he's doing and be comfortable. He just gets obsessed with the figures in his take home pay and it's literally destroying the family and our relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
overtimestress · 08/09/2024 11:35

@sunsetsandboardwalks
Without revealing his employer, I'd say it's highly unlikely there will ever be a shortage of overtime. It's a chronically short staffed industry, always has been and is getting worse.

OP posts:
sunsetsandboardwalks · 08/09/2024 11:34

overtimestress · 08/09/2024 11:34

@sunsetsandboardwalks
He can't choose the days he works, other than his overtime shifts. The rest are contracted hours, and these fall on all days of the week (with days off in between which he typically fills with overtime), and every other weekend, and occasionally nights. He can't change those.

Has he asked to change days or work set hours?

sunsetsandboardwalks · 08/09/2024 11:34

overtimestress · 08/09/2024 11:32

@sunsetsandboardwalks
Yes he does need to do some - around half what he's currently doing. Which is fine and very manageable for us all as a family. I was always on board with that amount. It's the extremes he goes to, ie aiming for 70 hrs a week, that I object to. There is a comfortable middle ground figure that enables us to be comfortably off whilst neither of us are burnt out or stressed. That's what I am on board with, but he is not listening and continues to take it an extreme.

I think the issue with relying on overtime to pay the bills is that it's never guaranteed, so you "make hay while the sun shines" as it were and take as much OT as you can while it's available.

What will you do if his workplace has to stop offering it for some reason?

Original poster
overtimestress · 08/09/2024 11:34

@sunsetsandboardwalks
He can't choose the days he works, other than his overtime shifts. The rest are contracted hours, and these fall on all days of the week (with days off in between which he typically fills with overtime), and every other weekend, and occasionally nights. He can't change those.

OP posts:
Bumblebeestiltskin · 08/09/2024 11:32

Does he realise that if you left, he wouldn't be able to do all that overtime because he'd be having to parent on his own (up to 50% of the time depending on what you agreed).

Original poster
overtimestress · 08/09/2024 11:32

@sunsetsandboardwalks
Yes he does need to do some - around half what he's currently doing. Which is fine and very manageable for us all as a family. I was always on board with that amount. It's the extremes he goes to, ie aiming for 70 hrs a week, that I object to. There is a comfortable middle ground figure that enables us to be comfortably off whilst neither of us are burnt out or stressed. That's what I am on board with, but he is not listening and continues to take it an extreme.

OP posts:
sunsetsandboardwalks · 08/09/2024 11:31

I guess what I'm trying to say is that if his job involves weekends (you say he's working today) then can you not arrange it so that you both work full-time but so that your shifts only overlap three days a week?

So you work (say) Monday to Friday and he works (say) Wednesday to Sunday?

sunsetsandboardwalks · 08/09/2024 11:30

overtimestress · 08/09/2024 11:26

It's not though, we can manage easily on half what he's doing now, as I've repeatedly stated. HE is the one choosing to take it to the extreme of 70 hours per week.

Show quote history

But didn't you say in your OP that he needs to do some overtime to pay the bills? Or have I got that wrong?

Original poster
overtimestress · 08/09/2024 11:26

sunsetsandboardwalks · 08/09/2024 11:24

neither of us wanted her to be in nursery full time unless it was absolutely necessary, and financially it isn't.

I would say it is financially necessary if the alternative is him working 70 hours a week and you essentially being a solo parent Confused

It's not though, we can manage easily on half what he's doing now, as I've repeatedly stated. HE is the one choosing to take it to the extreme of 70 hours per week.

OP posts:
Original poster
overtimestress · 08/09/2024 11:26

actually, if I worked FT now after we deducted the extra day at nursery for DD, we'd take home closer to £350 extra, not £550 (a full day at nursery is approx £50 after discount).

OP posts:
sunsetsandboardwalks · 08/09/2024 11:24

neither of us wanted her to be in nursery full time unless it was absolutely necessary, and financially it isn't.

I would say it is financially necessary if the alternative is him working 70 hours a week and you essentially being a solo parent Confused

Original poster
overtimestress · 08/09/2024 11:22

GreyCarpet · 08/09/2024 11:18

Are you sure he's actually at work?

Other than his word I suppose not. I mean, he leaves in his work uniform? But good point, I don't ever know for sure no.

OP posts:
Original poster
overtimestress · 08/09/2024 11:21

If I increased to full time we'd have an extra £550 a month. His overtime on an average month ad it stands brings in an extra £1000-1200 per month. So he's still bringing him double what it would be if we sacked off his overtime in favour of me increasing to FT. The other way of solving this is, he just halves his overtime hours to bring in roughly what my FT wage would? Takes the pressure off us both that way. We are both in agreement with me working 4 days a week until our daughter starts school - neither of us wanted her to be in nursery full time unless it was absolutely necessary, and financially it isn't.

OP posts:
sunsetsandboardwalks · 08/09/2024 11:21

overtimestress · 08/09/2024 11:10

If I worked full time we'd need to pay for childcare on my day off. The whole point was that we had a day where we didn't need to pay for nursery. When my daughter starts school next September I will be increasing back to full time.

Is there a way to arrange your shifts around each other so that you both work full-time but on different days? If he works weekends now, you could even arrange it so he works weekends and has his days off in the week, and you do weekdays and have weekends off.

I know you still wouldn't get family time, but it could decrease the pressure on him. Regularly working a 70 hour week is awful for both of you (IMO) not sustainable long term. Someone will burn out before long.

GreyCarpet · 08/09/2024 11:18

Are you sure he's actually at work?

JoyousPinkPeer · 08/09/2024 11:15

DGPP · 08/09/2024 10:19

He doesn’t want to be home, you need to find out why

Legally any employee can opt out of working time regulations.

FinallyYouSaid · 08/09/2024 11:15

We were in a position a few years ago where we NEEDED some OT hours to get by. I was the one doing OT and it does grip hold of you. It's a hard mindset to explain if you've never done it or if you've only ever done OT for 'extra' money, not essential money.

In the back of your mind you know that OT is just that - and not contracted, not guaranteed. You develop a constant low level anxiety that next month may be the month when the company sorts their shit out and doesn't offer any hours - and you know that if that happens you and your family are royally fucked. So your mind tells you you MUST make the most of it right now, do it, do it all and then if it's cancelled at least you have enough money for a couple of months. Again, constantly on edge for when OT is announced and possibly in competition with your colleagues for who gets it.

I agree with a pp op - you need to increase your hours. You need both of your normal working hours to bring in enough money to manage every month - so that you can BOTH appropriately re-frame OT as being for extras and treats, not the mortgage and food. And obviously the split of work at home would need reviewing and changing.

Elphamouche · 08/09/2024 11:11

We’re both out of the WTD and regularly work 70-90 hours a week, each. I’m on mat leave at the moment, but we will both still do overtime, just less because of childcare.

Can you sit and get him to plan a rota so you share childcare? It’s what we have to do. We are very focused on take home pay, but also having time together and time with our daughter individually.

ttcat37 · 08/09/2024 11:10

Just tell him straight. Either he drops overtime to X hours a week or you’ll be looking to split up. I’m sure that will start a dialogue with him. Emphasise that you’re not interested in being rich, that you want your child to recognise her father and you’re completely burnt out and cannot manage everything anymore.

Original poster
overtimestress · 08/09/2024 11:10

If I worked full time we'd need to pay for childcare on my day off. The whole point was that we had a day where we didn't need to pay for nursery. When my daughter starts school next September I will be increasing back to full time.

OP posts:
sunsetsandboardwalks · 08/09/2024 11:03

@overtimestress could you increase your hours so you're not so dependent on his overtime?

Maybe there would be a bit less pressure on him if you both worked full-time.

sunsetsandboardwalks · 08/09/2024 11:02

user2037272727273 · 08/09/2024 11:01

Have you actually seen this extra money OP I say this and I don't mean to be cynical but the hours you are saying are illegal and a friend went through similar and it turned out he was actually having an affair and not at work.

The hours aren't illegal if he's opted out of the working time directive (which almost anyone can).

Coolblur · 08/09/2024 11:02

overtimestress · 08/09/2024 10:15

He'd need to do some, but we could manage on half the hours he's doing.

Show quote history

Ideally I don't think anyone should 'need' to do any overtime. He is working excessive hours, but you say you do actually need extra income, so maybe he's thinking in for a penny, in for a pound. I highly doubt he's trying to avoid family responsibilities, but unfortunately that is a side effect of all the extra hours he's doing. As an aside, don't begrudge him sleeping after a night shift, he has to do that.
Could you up your hours to full time instead, while he cuts out overtime altogether? This might make for a better work/life balance for you all.

Original poster
overtimestress · 08/09/2024 11:01

@Magdaman
Exactly - he never checks. This was the basis of my frustration with him, he just assumes I'll be there waiting in the wings to pick up yet another evening / night / early morning solo parenting. I feel totally taken for granted. I'm also becoming less patient and snappy with my daughter because I'm so exhausted and overwhelmed with it all, and I hate being like that. It makes me feel like an awful mum 😔

OP posts:
user2037272727273 · 08/09/2024 11:01

Have you actually seen this extra money OP I say this and I don't mean to be cynical but the hours you are saying are illegal and a friend went through similar and it turned out he was actually having an affair and not at work.