To think partner's overtime is excessive

Sounds like he’s focused on being the best financial provider he can be. Maybe just mention that his presence at home is as important as the money.

If you can build up a bit of slush fund in the housekeeping account, that might help him relax too.

I guess the line of the conversation to be quite blunt and needs to go “if you don’t cut down now, you will get ill, and breakdown, ( most likely mental breakdown, but extreme fatigue and stress can also manifest in any numbers of physical illness’) and be unable to work and then the overtime pay will be zero and we can’t manage with zero, and certainly not with statutory sick pay if the illness is prolonged” No one looks back wishing they spent even more time at work , but they certainly wish they had spent more family time……. Sorry you are having such an awful time with this - could a work colleague / friend / family member help you with this line of conversation to give an external perspective ?

If he is a police officer then he legally has to have 11 hours between shifts, they used to allowed double shifts etc, but not anymore.

Have you seen his wage slip?

I still think one of the problems is that you rely on him doing at least some overtime to pay for the basics every month. If you could pay for everything from your normal hours, the OT wouldn't seem so important

This. It's all part of what's driving his mindset.

It's also not as simple as saying well, his industry is understaffed, OT will always be available as you suggested in a previous post op. If he falls and breaks his leg in work and needs 6 weeks off - presumably he'd get full pay if he's police/prison officer. But that's all OT gone, instantly.

He's probably acutely aware of this and it's a precarious position to be in. The whole family relying on his OT to keep you all afloat is likely to be a heavy burden.

I don't think things will improve until you're in a position to both work FT and cover everything you need with just normal hours.

Do your think your DH is suffering from Workaholism?
Being addicted to work is a real psychological condition some people have.

I think it goes back to the money issues from his previous marriage coupled with having a young child now and a fear of being in a situation where he may end up in debt/unable to provide. Would he be prepared to have a conversation with you about that? If you are able to reassure him you aren't going to do what his ex did and that for you time together as a family is more important than extra money perhaps he will feel better about cutting back his hours?

You can sign a disclaimer

@offyoujollywelltrot ·

He probably doesn't want to do any parenting.

Exactly! Nail on the head!

depends on what sector he’s working in, there are regulations in some industries to the “time directive” but you can opt out of that. If the sector is driving hgvs - you can’t get around those rules, they’re very strict, you can only do so many hours and there’s rules around how many days in one go etc. apart from the driving industry I don’t think there’s any law that says you absolutely cannot work X amount of hours.

Is it possible there’s pressure at work to agree to all of this overtime?

I know my BIL has a similar job and overtime is basically seen as compulsory, if you’re asked you’re expected to do it, so maybe that?

Also the Working Time Directive is a bit of a red herring as lots of places now have you opt out of it as part of your employment, I did with my job.

I still think one of the problems is that you rely on him doing at least some overtime to pay for the basics every month. If you could pay for everything from your normal hours, the OT wouldn't seem so important.

@overtimestress But these extras are only happening through you working 4 days and him having to work overtime (albeit less than now). If he’s feeling pressure to be the breadwinner and thinks you need and expect the extras, this will only add to it. Couldn’t you say that given you want to work 4 days, you’re happy to forgo whatever it creating a need for overtime working, leaving him to just work standard hours and break the cycle?

I just think it’s giving mixed messages that you want to work less than 4 days but expect holidays and luxuries that force him to do the overtime. When he reminds you of this, you basically tell him that he can still indulge you but do the hours you’d prefer. No one should need to work overtime and it sounds like living within your means would give you both that.

Every single job I’ve ever worked in my industry required the signing of a waiver to this right. It’s totally standard in some industries to be expected to work all hours.

I’ve been on mn to long. As soon as I saw the title, I thought affair.

I’ve read all your posts OP and it does sound like he would feel under pressure to earn and make sure you’re provided for. For example, he said he’s working overtime to pay for holidays you also enjoy and instead of saying, ‘we won’t have a holiday for a year as I’d rather have you here,’ you say ‘yes, but you can work a bit less overtime and we still get our holiday.’ If you’re choosing to only work 4 days, maybe you can’t afford holidays right now and you need to lower expectations so your other half isn’t shouldering that responsibility.

Also, you haven’t explained the need for having to work any overtime. People shouldn’t have to rely on the overtime. If you could earn another £350 p/m from upping you hours to full time and, you’d be equal with your husband and surely if you cut the non-essentials (like holidays) you can manage on that. Once your child is in school, you get the luxuries back without either having to do overtime. I think he maybe feels you both want luxuries and frankly, with a young child and you only working 4 days, that’s only being achieved by him having to do the overtime.

Does he use machinery or drive to work? If so, that amount of hours and his work pattern is unsafe. I had a colleague die due to fatigue - he fell asleep in his car, my friends hubby died aged 27 when he fell asleep in his car and he also killed their 5yo son.

Money isn't worth it. Work def isn't worth it.

Look at you work pattern and tell him when you want to see him and spend time together at home. Ask him to work with you on that.

Try it out, adjust as needed.

If he has no interest in working with you, he cba parenting, house stuff and spending time with you.

You need to decide of you can continue in a relationship where your partner is clearing showing you how much you and your DC means to them.

Where does the money go?

Can you buy in help? Extra day at nursery? Cleaner? You seriously need to benefit from this extra work!

Could he get al or even signed off to break the cycle of always being at work and break the fixation with the end monthly wage.
I do understand being signed off is not an easy option in the profession your Dh is in.

YANBU the overtime is over excessive.

Does he know how you are feeling? How long has the 70 hour weeks been going on for?

I get that he can get excited about the take home pay, but at the end of the day - it’s just money. (If you’re managing financially, obviously)
Money on its own is no use unless you are using the time at home to enjoy home. Surely the money is to make home life nice? I’m using rudimentary terms, but i don’t understand people that get obsessed with taking home more and more money each month, but they are never home and family are miserable.

is there a possibility of hidden debt? Gambling?