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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU for feeling soo upset about this?

68 replies

RoxyAlex77 · 08/09/2024 09:06

My father has invited a stranger into my house for 10 days -she is the daughter of some friends of his - I haven't met his friends either. I have moved to a different country 16 years go and my relationship with him is not close. I am expected to pick her up/ drop her off to the airport, shop and coook for her, take her out sightseeing. 😣

OP posts:
Original poster
RoxyAlex77 · 08/09/2024 14:02

She is coming over next week. But thank you for being supoortive it does make me feel better

OP posts:
Original poster
RoxyAlex77 · 08/09/2024 14:01

It is a good question, why I just didn't say no. Because I care about what my other family members would say if I stop any contact with him. Because Xmases would be awkard,because this is what he has done to me and my mum all his life. Because he made me feel quilty I live far away and I cannot look after him as it is my duty to do so. He said that these people are going to look after him when he is old. That is my father he doesn't do anything nice or just out of kindnesd. He has to gain something out of it Those people are in no way obligated towards him and certainly won't be just because their daughter spent 10 days with me

OP posts:
Original poster
RoxyAlex77 · 08/09/2024 13:55

I am reading so much about boundaries should start applying them

OP posts:
simpledeer · 08/09/2024 13:54

So have you told him it isn’t happening?

Idontjetwashthefucker · 08/09/2024 13:54

Does he live with you?

Original poster
RoxyAlex77 · 08/09/2024 13:53

Oh yes!! He tries to control with money, and if that doesn't work he tries to intimidate with shouting, constantly going on and on about trying to get me to do something his way, it is hard to explain his tone of voice is so menacing you end up complying just to make it stop. This is how he treated me and my mother all through my childhood, I am grateful that I have my health I can work and support myself so I don't depend on him in any way.. He is verbally and emotionally abusive. Seeing everyone's comments I do wonder why do I put up with him?😣 We are all brainwashed I guess that we owe our parents for something. Thank you for posting it makes me feel better

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 08/09/2024 10:15

Use your words and say no.

Branleuse · 08/09/2024 10:14

If you are already not close, then I'd say this seals the deal. He barely knows you and this is extremely disrespectful of him to just dump this on you. Id tell him it isnt happening and if he is difficult about it then I'd mute him on everything and ignore him for as long as it took

DeCaray · 08/09/2024 10:14

So he's mentioned his daughter lives in x country and the daughter of his friends has said oh that's nice I fancy a holiday there and he's said she can go and stay with you!

You say no and you contact his friends and say that the girl/woman is not go coke and your father had no right to make these arrangement without your consent.

Testina · 08/09/2024 10:08

Does your father live with you?
I think it would help if you’d explain why you haven’t just said no.

Oor · 08/09/2024 09:54

It’s a weird thing of him to ask of you. But you make the final decision. Say no I’m not doing that and don’t engage in any conversation with the friends daughter if he gives you her number.

WouldYouLikeMeToSpellThatForYou · 08/09/2024 09:48

Why are you allowing this? Are you a young adult or older ? What is the backstory to this

mammaCh · 08/09/2024 09:46

Why would you even consider doing this?
"Er dad, that's really weird and inappropriate. No, that's not ok."

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 08/09/2024 09:43

Oh and all the posters saying “just say no” should hopefully mean you realise that this isn’t normal to do. It’s ok to say no to your parent when you are an adult. It’s normal to be asked not told and normal for when asking to accept no might be the response.

if you have been brought up to believe you have to do what your parent wants, that’s hard to fight against, but see everyone else would just say no and expect to be able to say no without a massive drama. (And given your dad lives in another country, the drama will be limited/easy to ignore.)

Arlanymor · 08/09/2024 09:41

So your dad has randomly told someone you don’t even know that they can come and spent a ten-day holiday with you and that you will be entertaining them? That’s outrageous, of course tell him no. Do you work? Have a family of your own? If so how on earth would you be able to accommodate any of this?

MountUnpleasant · 08/09/2024 09:40

Say no!

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 08/09/2024 09:39

OP - sometimes if your parent was bullying or overbearing, it can be hard to realise as an adult you can just say no. You don’t have to do what they want just because they are your parent. You don’t have to be obedient.

you live in a different country, even if your home country it would be normal to do this, you can still say no. It’s allowed. It’s an option.

take a deep breath and call/email to say no. Remember you are no longer parent and child, as an independent adult you are his equal and he has no right to allocate your time or home to someone else. I’m sure you’d consider it rude to do this to your dad, so he can’t do this to you.

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 08/09/2024 09:37

skippy67 · 08/09/2024 09:20

Just say no.

Exactly this.

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 08/09/2024 09:35

You're an adult and live in a different country, how can your father tell you what to do? Does he own the house you live in? Does he pay your living costs?

If it's his house and he maintains you living there, then fair enough he can invite someone else to stay there. Still cheeky to expect you to do anything else though.

If it's yours and you're independent of him, No is a complete sentence.

FatmanandKnobbin · 08/09/2024 09:29

He can place all the expectations he likes on you, that doesn't mean you're obligated to fulfil them.

Send a message saying that won't work for you, then block him for a while.

BMW6 · 08/09/2024 09:27

What's the problem? You ring him and say NOT HAPPENING.

If she - or anyone - turns up at your door you say GO AWAY YOU ARE NOT WELCOME.

No-one can make you comply with this. You must realise this fact and take control of your life.

If it means ceasing all contact and relationship with your father so be it!

Wwyd2025 · 08/09/2024 09:26

Just say no your busy with work.

FinallyHere · 08/09/2024 09:26

While at first glance this seems outrageous, I'd say that if you are financially independent I would reply quite neutrally saying "sorry for any misunderstand, this doesn't work for me"

And be clear it won't be happening

However, this is such an odd thing for one adult to do to another, and you seem so unsurprised that it has happened, I wonder what your financial situation is.

If you are not independent, if you are relying on an allowance or hand outs from your father then it's a bit more complicated.

CeciliaMars · 08/09/2024 09:25

It sounds to me like there's a much wider back story to this. You're an adult - why are you being told you're 'expected' to do anything at your father's bidding? This is not a normal, healthy adult daughter - father relationship. Are you working? Are you able to work towards moving out of his house?

Passionfruitpunch1 · 08/09/2024 09:25

I would just say no, that's ridiculous of him to expect you to do that

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