To want to educate my child in state but provide the straw that make it like a private education?

You could donate part/all of what would have been private school fees to the state school. They would be able to do amazing things for all the kids with even a tiny bit of extra money.

It just isn't possible.
It's a whole package you buy your child if you privately educated.
It's the behaviour expectations, the social skills, not being tied to the national curriculum, in prep and then sixth form it's the small classes with masses of attention.
Most private as well it's the ethos of the school.
Now obviously you can teach good manners at home, and encourage social skills etc but our children spend huge amounts of time in school and with peers and that influence is hard to counteract at home

The complete opposite is true IME, at my private school we were very mollycoddled and one word from the parents and a child would be moved classes/teachers/subjects etc. Spare kit always available, phone confiscated and parent phones up then it’s immediately returned.

My state school educated siblings were basically just left to get on with it and there was no special treatment or negotiation.

My state school child is amazed that there is no boundary fence on the private school (it opens out to fields and footpaths etc)

But the site is secure?!

I can only speak for the private and state schools that my kids attend, but for me the main difference is attitude.

I have kids in secondary private and secondary state.

The private school expect you to strive and make things happen for yourself. No babysitting. You get yourself to sports matches/music lessons etc with no reminders from the school. You bring the right kit (and the school ask parents not to remind the kids/pack bags for them). Lots of homework that the kids manage/schedule for themselves. Regular exam weeks from Year 7 so the kids get used to revising and sitting exams. Slightly harsh consequences for forgetting things (eg wear lost property PE kit if you forget yours). You follow the rules about phones/boundaries/not walking on the grass because that's how it is and you're busy with so many other things that you don't think to question it!

At the state school (a not very good one, but it's trying), the kids are babysat through everything. Told what to bring when and reminded. Rewarded for just sticking to the rules. Very little homework and no consequences if it's not done. Seemingly few assessments. Forget your PE kit and you just sit the lesson out.

So in my experience, while tutors and extra curriculars would benefit the state child, it doesn't compensate for the attitude they're immersed in all day.

The result is that when my privately educated child gripes about some (minor, perfectly reasonable IMO) consequence, my state school child immediately jumps in with "they can't make you do that!". My state school child is amazed that there is no boundary fence on the private school (it opens out to fields and footpaths etc) and doesn't understand why the kids don't just leave (whilst the private school kids don't leave because it's expected that they stay!).

There are a 163 Grammar schools in the whole of England ,it's hardly a realistic prospect for most people .

I'm really confused about this focus on "connections". I have friends I've made throughout all stages of my life, not "connections".

I can't pretend to know much about private school because I don't, but the one thing I've learned from state schools is that the most detrimental thing for my children is disruptive behaviour. It's been for a variety of reasons over the years, from teachers who are not very good at managing it (with my full empathy, they shouldn't have to) through to especially difficult cohorts. My approach has been trying to get my kids away from that, in one extreme I actually changed schools because the cohort was so challenging nothing would improve it (I was a governor at the school so was regularly briefed on this year group!!) best decision I made as we moved to a really small village school with small class sizes that was perfect for my son, but of a trek though, but worth it.

With my eldest we did some extra work to improve his scores which got him placed in a higher set where the behaviour was better, didn't need to resort to tutoring but would have done if needed.

Once they're placed in productive classrooms I find they meet their potential much more naturally.

Do you think all kids at state schools do nothing outside school?

Private schools might offer networking (a bit, depends on the school and your kid, some only offer other horsey friends).

On the other hand, state comps offer opportunities to develop the super skill of getting on with people from all walks of life, not just those from your own social class. Including the other sex - private schools often leave pupils unable to talk to other sex and only having mixed with opposite sex siblings and friends' siblings.

No it isn't!

My DS goes to a small independent school on a scholarship because I wanted him to free from the bullies. To be allowed to enjoy maths and physics without being called a snob or a nerd or a swot.

I wanted him to be safe, and even Ofsted said the only state school at which we were offered a place, wasn't safe. I couldn't give a toss about 'connections'.

You really have no clue, do you !!

There's pros and cons. His extra curriculars were presumably with some children he wasn't at school with? so they'll have exposed him to a wider range of people and their experiences.
It will have given him a larger pool from which to make friendships too.

DS has been state all the way through (albeit at a top grammar for secondary, where a good proportion of the demographic is as you would see in private) and I certainly feel he somewhat lacks the 'polish'/confidence that I've noticed in children from private schools. For example, it was a battle to teach him good manners (was taught to say 'pardon' at primary school, copied the table manners of his peers, picked up a glottal stop), to make eye contact when talking to people, to initiate and make small talk with adults (still a work in progress). These are all things that our friends' privately educated children seem to have as second nature, presumably due to a focus on these soft skills at school.

But confidence frequently tips over into arrogance, and I'm pleased that no one (outside of the family 😁) would ever accuse DS of being arrogant, he comes across as polite and endearingly shy.

As a family who could easily have afforded private, but didn't take that option, I don't feel his academics suffered at all (predicted four A stars at A level). It's likely his extra-curricular interests suffered (while we provided sports and music etc outside of school, he never excelled, and gave up easily). I don't really know how to comment on the 'connections' angle. I don't think the lack of them will hold him back in his chosen (STEM) field.

Totally agree, I went to a private school, and have spent 20 years teaching in various state schools, for the past 7 an excellent grammar.

All the state schools I have taught in have been superb in their own ways, and education wise I'd have sent my children to any of them.

But none have felt at all like private school does, they even look different internally.

As pp says you can make up some of the difference by filling the extra time created by the shorter day with enrichments in the form of hobbies/sport/music and theatre/cinema plus lots of travel.

But it can't be replicated, which doesn't mean what you can achieve won't be a first class education.

It’s not nice but there is an element of truth in it. I don’t smoke, part of the reason for that is that in my friendship group at school and home no one smoked. Kids follow their friends that’s why „fell in with a bad crowd“ is a phrase. If, as a result of being from a deprived area the friends your child mixed with do things or are exposed to things you don’t want your child to be exposed to then it’s a worry. And I know affluent kids take drugs and have other problems.

I’ve taught in both (primary/prep) and have a daughter in state. For me the differences are;

Smaller classes, allowing for better differentiation/ support/ challenge. Almost no disruptive behaviour in class so lessons actually get taught, I don’t waste my time on crowd control.
Not tied to national curriculum/SATS. Frees up time to be spent on alternative subjects such as engineering. Also state schools aren’t really supposed to push kids out of their own year groups content even if highly capable. My daughter can read fluently (y1) yet is sent home with books with 6 words on a page (this is a well regarded school rated good by Ofsted last year!) This wouldn’t be happening at a private school.
Procision for music, drama, sport, languages is light years ahead of the average state. Some might do one or two of these well but unlikely all of them. Children have specialists teaching this from reception in private.
plus yes the array of extra curriculars available on site.

I used to be very anti private schools and didn’t see the benefit. Having worked in one, I wish my daughter could go to one but we can’t afford it.

It's not as simple as riding lessons, trips to the theatre and learning an instrument.

My DD is having a great education at a small private school right now. The main difference is the availability of resource compared to the number of pupils. Teaching staff, equipment, pastoral resources. It makes for a very different environment.

Also the kids have been selected - they have gone for a well rounded cohort but realistically you're not getting a place if you're the child who throws chairs at the teacher.

The staff often say they enjoy teaching there because they don't have to spend all their time policing behaviour. Of course the kids have their moments but it's very different to the stories my DD's friends tell. In her school the number of staff available allows them to deal with incidents much more robustly.

There's nothing you can do to emulate the private school day to day environment unfortunately. That's the main reason I sent her there. She does play an instrument as it happens and does out of school activities but it's the daytime environment that makes the difference.

My child goes to an independent school but it’s a special needs school, and whilst they recognise and stretch his academic abilities it isn’t as much as if he were at a mainstream independent, so I do try to supplement this at home.

for me it’s about giving him a wide breadth of experiences. I want him to be able to do whatever he wants in life, but when it gets to that stage it would be nice for him to have some foundations in whatever he chooses. So I teach him piano and guitar, he does the Arts Awards at home, I read him classic children’s literature and I encourage him to read a wide range of books. We do some community volunteering work together (fundraising etc). Every night we do half an hour of learning (in lieu of homework) which will be working on his handwriting, spellings, times tables etc. He attends a chess club, Beavers, and a bouldering club where he’s working towards his NICAS level 2. He’ll be moving up to Cubs soon and when he does, he is going to be ‘helping out’ at Beavers until Cubs starts (I’m a leader so he needs to be there anyway and has been given the choice between helping out or reading/puzzles in the kitchen room).

I don’t think this is particularly more than what other parents do, he’s an only child so I’m able to give him a bit more 1-1 attention but don’t expect I do more than others. It’s just about being intentional about it.

That is simply not true of every independent school. Likely of Eton, Harrow and Winchester, but absolutely not of most.

Totally agree

Is there any time in that for them to allowed to just be children or is their whole life excpeted to be timetabled?

This was sort of my experience of the school I went to and I can assure you from what I’ve heard most people who felt like that were given a rude awakening once they entered the real world of employment 😂. It’s certainly not an advantage IMO and something I’ll try to avoid for my own kids.

I don’t agree with the connections thing, perhaps if you go to Eton or Cheltenham Ladies etc. but from my regular private school I know a normal cross section of people, same as my husband who went to a bog standard comprehensive.

The “enforced public speaking” thing is also bullshit in my experience, of course there was an option to public speak but it certainly wasn’t forced, rightly so IMO as it would be cruel to force that on a more nervous child. The smaller ratios are good but some schools are certainly very “results geared” and there was a lot of spoon feeding going on which meant some of my peers struggled a lot with uni and ended up dropping out.

On the fence about sending my own kids to be honest, probably leaning toward the really good local state school at the moment, but then we live in a nice area and I suspect I’d feel differently if this wasn’t the case.

I really don’t think children who go to private school are more confident because they know they are at a private school

I disagree. They know they're privileged and are being given a head start over other children. Our local, very expensive private school (3-18) is built on a vantage point from where it literally looks down on the whole town. Spending your formative years physically, socially, educationally elevated above others can't fail to convey a sense of superiority.

Dd2 friendship group is mixed state and private and there is ZERO difference between the teens. So I’m not sold on the fact it’s the school that instills the “confidence and manners” thing it’s the parents - and to some extent the child’s innate personality.

My DS who goes to a very good state is very outgoing and confident, he is also very bright academically. My point is that you can raise a child to be an all rounder, bright, intelligent, confident and yes - 'cool'. (We aren't in grammar area and can't afford private). I invested a lot in extra curricular activities from a young age (sports, drama, cubs, chess club) plus I read with him a lot and take him to museums, outings etc. He goes to a sports club where a few times a couple of boys who go private have been. My DS always got on great with them as he can converse in lots of things. But importantly, he can adapt to anyone because he has been involved in so many different things. He also sticks with a good bunch of friends at the end of the day. Not all academic but a mixture and they balance out well. He is the type that needs both of that. He can hang out and converse with the 'disruptive' kids from state schools (as some like to label them). There is a group of boys at school who are difficult but DS through sport and activities has gained a mutual understanding with them as he knows how to talk with them. But he isn't influenced because he has good grounding. He is great at sports and gains alot of respect for this. The PS boys on the other hand, at the sports club, I've noticed cannot talk with everyone this way and when certain boys came in (perhaps ones that some may also call 'disruptive') they would clam up, as they didn't know how to be with them. They are only confident within their circles or people like them. Admittedly this may be all they will be surrounded with when they're older but I'd much rather my DS was someone who can handle all sorts. It will do him so much better later on in life.

We don’t send our DC private for the potential grades and jobs. I don’t know anybody that does. We send our DC private because of the pastoral care and environment.

We tried our local outstanding state pre school and lasted eight weeks before removing our DC. The teachers were lovely and tried hard but spent massive amounts of time focused on a few students who were disruptive and continuously hurting other children.

The difference in the pre prep we moved to was stark. There is a ratio of 1:5. They really focus on children’s wellbeing over all else, learning is personalised to what suits each individual, there is no disruption to lessons, the additional resources really engage the children and the pupils seem to stay children for a lot longer.