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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to be really worried about DF

119 replies

peachpearplum97 · 07/09/2024 20:15

Have name changed as have posted about this friend before and with other posts could be outing.

Friend of 20+ years is in a very abusive relationship with her husband. She has 2 very young DS. Friends DH is emotionally, verbally and financially abusive but has never been physical.

I am aware than her DH reads all of her messages on her phone and tracks her movements.

She has confided in me numerous times about leaving but is very concerned (rightly so) about the financial implications as he has really stitched her up. I have encouraged her to leave and sign posted resources that may help.

I usually see this friend a couple of times a week and had plans with her last week to go and do an activity with both of our DS's.

She cancelled the day before saying youngest DS(3) was unwell, fair enough, told her hope he was feeling better soon and let me know if anything I can do to help. I have since found out she told someone we both know, but who she would not know I would talk to, that she has been in a car crash and has facial swelling that happened a few of days ago

After hearing this I panicked and text her not mentioning the car crash as I didn't want to put her on the spot. She said she was fine but was now also ill and had been in bed for 2 days.

I had a bag of her DS's so popped round with it to check in on her, she told me she couldn't come to the door as she was vomittimg snd didn't want me to catch anything.

I have not seen her for over 6 days and no one I know has seen her.

Am I right to be concerned that things have escalated and she has been physically abused by DH? Due to the fact she has told two different stories and won't let me see her. She has no family close by, her DP's have died and she is an only child. She does not have a big support network of friends either although she is very well liked.

I have text her again and not had a response in over 13 hours.

I don't really know what to do now, I can't text her about it as her DH monitors her phone and I don't want to make things worse for her.

Am I being a paranoid stalker or does this sound like she is in a dangerous situation and has likely been attacked? What do I do?

YABU - you sound like a stalker
YANBU - this sounds very worrying

OP posts:
Smartish · 08/09/2024 20:20

peachpearplum97 · 08/09/2024 20:19

Just feeling more and more worried

I’m not surprised. What does your DH think? I’m worried about you going round on your own if her H might be nasty?

Original poster
peachpearplum97 · 08/09/2024 20:19

Just feeling more and more worried

OP posts:
Original poster
peachpearplum97 · 08/09/2024 20:18

@Smartish have already text a couple of times today about plans and no answer and she's not been online on her phone since this morning when I heard from her.

OP posts:
Smartish · 08/09/2024 20:14

peachpearplum97 · 08/09/2024 20:01

Just debating about going round again.

How about a text to make your next plans?
’Hi friend, sorry we haven’t had a chance to catch up, hope you’re feeling better. Fancy coffee /soft play/whatever you usually do on Tuesday’

Original poster
peachpearplum97 · 08/09/2024 20:01

Just debating about going round again.

OP posts:
Original poster
peachpearplum97 · 08/09/2024 19:56

@Smartish nope, have text again and tried to call. Not heard anything. Couldn't get through to refuge as service was too busy have tried a few times today.

OP posts:
Smartish · 08/09/2024 17:20

@peachpearplum97 have you heard from her yet?

PolaroidPrincess · 08/09/2024 16:16

peachpearplum97 · 08/09/2024 10:44

Hoping it is ok for me to contact refuge as it does say specifically for people who are in abusive relationships don't want to cause a delay for woman who may need it.

If I ever have a dilemma like that, I give the charity a donation of what I can afford Flowers

Original poster
peachpearplum97 · 08/09/2024 10:44

Hoping it is ok for me to contact refuge as it does say specifically for people who are in abusive relationships don't want to cause a delay for woman who may need it.

OP posts:
Original poster
peachpearplum97 · 08/09/2024 10:42

@PolaroidPrincess thanks so much, I don't know if it would really apply as she has been with him for a long time, she managed to leave him for a short time before her DS's were born but he had a 'suicide attempt' and she was guilted into going back. She has been with his since she was basically a child and he is a quite lot older than her.

I'm currently waiting to speak to someone from refuge as I couldn't get through last night and hoping they can give me some advice.

I had a good chat with my DH last night and have come up with some ideas and he had will obviously help too wherever we can.

I have tried to encourage her to leave a lot of times before but understand how hard it is. I don't want her to feel judged and forced by me either.

She is close to her auntie who doesn't live near by but is no help whatsoever. I know after his suicide attempt she was part of the problem in making her go back as she told her he was obviously sorry, he needed her help etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
peachpearplum97 · 08/09/2024 10:35

@Nothanks17 I have said I have something I really need to talk to her about that is quite embarrassing as I thought sounded less suspicious, she's said she will call me when she's alone. Have contacted her again this morning to remind her. I am guessing he is on high alert and watching what she is doing at the moment. I should have said that emergency at the start tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
peachpearplum97 · 08/09/2024 10:32

@AnchorWHAT no but this is a really good idea. I could deffo just go and pick up a cheap PAYG phone for her. Thanks for this I will sort this today.

OP posts:
PolaroidPrincess · 08/09/2024 09:45

Could you make a request under Claire's Law?

Nothanks17 · 08/09/2024 09:33

Make something up in text that sounds like you are in some sort of emergency situation or need advice where her DH will know it will look odd if she doesnt come check on you/meet you alone etc. You will know better than any of us from knowing him what will work based on how you are in your family life.

I have called the police once or twice in situations like this for a next door neighbour where I could hear the physical because of the danger. She will lie when hes there to the police, and she will suffer as a consequence. Its not right but it is the truth.

I really hope your friend manages to leave.

AnchorWHAT · 08/09/2024 09:32

Don't suppose you have a spare old phone you could take round when DH isn't there so she could have a way of communicating secretly, obviously hidden and on silent with a payg set up?

Spenditlikebeckham · 07/09/2024 21:35

I would imagine if she did go to hospital they will have flagged it to the police. .. They will know exactly what happened... I would speak to her dc's school.. Relay your worries.. They can keep an eye on her dc or contact ss. That way it won't be coming from you. I reported a dm who hit her dd when my dd's were there. Ss got involved. Sadly she stopped the girls being friends but because it was obvious it had come from them /me...

Original poster
peachpearplum97 · 07/09/2024 21:32

Thank you everyone I will try refuge now. Really appreciate the support. Have been in a bit of a flap.

OP posts:
Woahtherehoney · 07/09/2024 21:31

peachpearplum97 · 07/09/2024 21:29

@Woahtherehoney no I haven't, thank you for this I will look into this now.

They do live chat until 10pm I believe or you can call anytime. They may be able to support her in other ways too. I hope she’s ok and she’s very lucky to have you 🩷

Confusedmeanderings · 07/09/2024 21:30

I really hope your friend is ok. Thank goodness she has a good friend like you looking out for her.

Original poster
peachpearplum97 · 07/09/2024 21:29

@Woahtherehoney no I haven't, thank you for this I will look into this now.

OP posts:
Original poster
peachpearplum97 · 07/09/2024 21:27

@Safxxx yes I think I might drive round in the morning and see if his car is there. I could definitely say that too her but as I've said about the embarrassing problem I wanted to discuss with her might be a bit overkill? Thanks so much for all of your replies.

OP posts:
Original poster
peachpearplum97 · 07/09/2024 21:24

Sorry I meant my DH said that he would be checking her messages.

OP posts:
Original poster
peachpearplum97 · 07/09/2024 21:21

@ReadingInTheRain583 that's exactly what I said I said was about something embarrassing that we had spoken about before, she said she could chat but her DH and DS were in the room which to me is her telling me she can't talk. DH has also said he will definitely be checking all of her msgs to make sure she isn't telling anyone about what's happened as he is quite a well known member of the community and comes across as a genuinely nice, do anything for anyone type of man.

OP posts:
Safxxx · 07/09/2024 21:20

Wait till you know he won't be home then knock on her door to return her son's bag as a excuse, txt her before going round so she will be expecting you. Maybe tell her something is happening to you and you're upset and could do with a visit from her etc....or maybe say your son wants to talk to her son can you call..what ever you do plz don't call the police yet, or ask directly via texts or calls as he will be seeing/hearing it. Hope she's ok 🙏 you're a good friend ❤️

Original poster
peachpearplum97 · 07/09/2024 21:19

@GreatMistakes yes have just spoken to my DH and both agree this is the best thing to do at the moment and sending the police round would cause chaos for her and the boys.

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