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Original poster

Would you be happy with this relationship!

60 replies

Lucy041 · 07/09/2024 20:05

I’m honestly not sure how my life has got to this point but I’m married just over a year and honestly feel we would be better calling it quits.

We have two young children (toddlers), never go on dates, never have sex and I feel we rarely have proper time together. My husband plays golf, goes running, gym, 5 a side football and anything else he can find to fill his time. He’s not a big drinker, which I have no problem with, but this means he never wants to go out. The cinema every few months is the extent of it. He also isn’t interested in going on weekends away or holidays, we had countless arguments earlier in the year because I wanted to go on a family holiday over Easter. He’s a teacher so we can only go at certain times; he would prefer to just stay home and chill (play golf!), which I understand too but I don’t think it’s crazy for someone to want to go on holidays. Money isn’t an issue so this is not the reason.

When we’re getting on, things are ok but I feel like I’m resenting him so much lately. I feel like I’m giving up so much, no social life, nothing to look forward to. We had a night away planned for next weekend (my best friends partners birthday, it’s about 2 hours away so plan was to stay the night). Last night he realised there’s a golf competition he wants to play in so he’ll be gone all day Saturday and then play his usual Sunday morning golf the next day. Basically I’ll be alone all weekend with two toddlers. My mam helps me out a lot but her health isn’t great, it also annoys her so much that he takes so much time for himself so I tend to make light of it to her.

Sorry I feel like this is such a long post but is it dramatic of me to think I should end our relationship over this? I’m not even 40 yet, and in a relationship that just seems pointless. He’s a nice person, I really love him, he loves me but he’s just more interested in doing his own thing.

OP posts:
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Tubs11 · 08/09/2024 14:59

You've described your relationship as "ok" and he acts like he's single. Either get on the same page or call it a day. Life is too short for this sort of limbo

Spirallingdownwards · 08/09/2024 14:26

It is now too late to bank the cheque in joint names anyway. They need to be banked within 6 months of the date on it.

Get one in your name, bank it and use the money to book a divorce lawyer.

Seriously too young to live your life like this.

Ihadenough22 · 08/09/2024 13:33

I tell your husband that your invited to your friends party and that your going to it as a couple.
Tell him that for once he is going to put you first before his golf and other activities.

He needs to be told that the current situation is not fair on you or his kid's.
Tell him as well that he is a married man with toddlers and he needs to realise that it not your job to do all the childcare, bed time's and be on your own with his kids every weekend.

It's the reality when your married with small kids that you don't have as much time for activities outside the home. You both need to agree on child free and family time. Your entitled to a child free evening, Saturday and weekend as well.

I tell him as well that he needs to go counselling with you because you both need help with your marriage. The baby and toddler years can be hard on a relationship. I know several couples and they said at this stage they were not going to weddings ect or spending much time outside the home. It got easier when the kids got older.
One woman I know told her husband that the marathon training and long cycles at the weekends had to stop because she was not going to continue minding the kids and doing it all at home so he could do this.

If he fobs you off I book a weekend away with your friends and tell him you are away on x weekend so he can mind his kid's. Leave no food in the house and see how he likes shopping with 2 toddlers as well.

The reality is that if you and him got a divorce he would not have the current amount of free time he has. He is not been fair on you or his kid's. Also you don't want your kids to see this as they grow up and have father who won't attend school events or spend time at the weekend with them or bring them to child activities.

I ring his mother and tell her to write out a new cheque for that £3,500 as well in your name as he won't open a joint account to lodge this.

Ihadenough22 · 08/09/2024 13:33

I tell your husband that your invited to your friends party and that your going to it as a couple.
Tell him that for once he is going to put you first before his golf and other activities.

He needs to be told that the current situation is not fair on you or his kid's.
Tell him as well that he is a married man with toddlers and he needs to realise that it not your job to do all the childcare, bed time's and be on your own with his kids every weekend.

It's the reality when your married with small kids that you don't have as much time for activities outside the home. You both need to agree on child free and family time. Your entitled to a child free evening, Saturday and weekend as well.

I tell him as well that he needs to go counselling with you because you both need help with your marriage. The baby and toddler years can be hard on a relationship. I know several couples and they said at this stage they were not going to weddings ect or spending much time outside the home. It got easier when the kids got older.
One woman I know told her husband that the marathon training and long cycles at the weekends had to stop because she was not going to continue minding the kids and doing it all at home so he could do this.

If he fobs you off I book a weekend away with your friends and tell him you are away on x weekend so he can mind his kid's. Leave no food in the house and see how he likes shopping with 2 toddlers as well.

The reality is that if you and him got a divorce he would not have the current amount of free time he has. He is not been fair on you or his kid's. Also you don't want your kids to see this as they grow up and have father who won't attend school events or spend time at the weekend with them or bring them to child activities.

I ring his mother and tell her to write out a new cheque for that £3,500 as well in your name as he won't open a joint account to lodge this.

Bakingandcrying · 08/09/2024 11:40

No, just no to all of this. You can’t have this amount of hobbies whilst you’re in the trenches of parenthood. Something has to give and at the moment it’s you and your relationship. His balance is completely off, no decent partner or parent is having that much time to themselves.

You are pretty much a single parent

Mamasperspective · 08/09/2024 11:25

I think you need to tell DH that he needs to make time for a sit down conversation with you and tell him this is non-negotiable then tell him that you are honestly contemplating divorce because things between you are now so bad. Read some articles on 'walk away wife syndrome' as they may help you navigate this situation. I would tell him that you, as his wife, feel lowest in his list of priorities under golf and everything else and that you deserve to be happy, loved and appreciated by your partner and you feel that he has 'checked out' when it comes to your needs and feelings. Couples counselling may be an option. Good luck.

Illpickthatup · 08/09/2024 11:15

GoldenLyonel · 07/09/2024 20:09

I struggle to think of what either of you are getting out of this marriage?

I mean he's probably getting his clothes washed and dinners made while he gets to live his best life. What OPs gets out of this marriage? No idea!

Naunet · 08/09/2024 11:11

Tel12 · 08/09/2024 08:17

I understand that things aren't great, but do you really think that being on your own would improve your life? A better option might be to carve out more time for yourself? Or insist on some family time.

Why on earth would you suggest that being single is a worse option? Plenty of single people are very happy, it’s not something to dread, we actually can survive just fine without a waste of space man in our house.

OP, your husband is taking the absolute piss, I think you need a very serious chat with him. Currently you don’t sound like you even have a relationship, you just coexist.

GabriellaMontez · 08/09/2024 11:10

I wonder if it would help to ask him if he'd like to split? What this would look like.

Then discuss alternatives. Making more effort? Counselling? Date night? Booking a holiday.

If he doesn't want to compromise or make an effort it's a lost cause.

Good luck. I'm so, so glad I left my ex. But it was hard and sometimes still is.

Original poster
Lucy041 · 08/09/2024 11:04

He wasn’t always as bad, it just all seems a lot worse now. We were together for 5 years, got engaged, had our girls a year later and married a year after that. I never put pressure on him about getting married, I made it clear I wanted children and so did he, so that’s why we decided to try before getting married.

Covid probably suited him/us to be honest because life was slower, no holidays, no nights out etc. So I think that helped hide the tracks, it wasn’t obvious that we never went out or away etc. Then we got engaged and started to try for a baby. Sex was never a big focus for us, but never to extent it of it going months, the lack of interest in sex is 50/50 to be honest, I don’t have much interest in sex with someone I don’t spend much quality time with or get much effort from. Our life is work, doing things with the girls at the weekend (usual walks, coffee shops. Playground la etc),and then watching a tv show together before bed.

The relationship was never perfect but he’s a good person aside for this, I just feel all of the small things are adding up now, and I feel like I’m giving up a lot and not getting much back in return.

Everyone’s advice has been so helpful, I know things aren’t right, I just have this fear of making a big mistake. I reckon counselling even for myself is the next step, and hopefully he’ll show an interest in doing this, if not, well then I suppose I have my answer from him!

OP posts:
Cattery · 08/09/2024 11:00

I had all this. I was only 24. No kids but a selfish bloke who thought it was ok to leave me on my own all weekend. I soon found someone else to spend time with…

KimberleyClark · 08/09/2024 10:42

Is it only since you’ve been married that he’s been like this? If not, why did you get married?

PurpleHiker · 08/09/2024 10:38

If he doesn't want to engage with counselling then I would push for a trial separation. This might knock some sense into him and he'll get to see how much you do for him when he has to do it himself.

TheRealKatnissEverdeen · 08/09/2024 10:25

Has this only started since you got married?
Or since children?

Someone above said you may not be better off if you go it alone. I don't agree.
You are unable to be the best parent you can be when you're unhappy.
He knows he is being selfish, as said by you, and continues to. That isn't the type of love you should accept.
You say you'll feel guilty

I know people can give advice on here that they wouldn't follow themselves but I'm not - Nothing changes if nothing changes. You can only be accountable for your own actions and you are allowing him to get away with this.

Do the therapy by yourself to help develop some assertiveness and work out if this is for you. Consider what good would look like for you and think whether you really see that happening. Id encourage you to also think practically over what life without him looks like.

Wordysmith · 08/09/2024 10:23

Our sex life needs to also resume and you need to stop acting like you're single and putting the family first as well as having your own interests.

This is good - I agree a clear time specific ultimatum needs to be given, summarising all the issues like this.

That said I do think if OP does need to ask for sex in this way from her equally young-ish husband things are clearly pretty grim and shows the relationship is probably dead. I feel he’s checked out unfortunately.

Men often stay in dead relationships because they tend to move form woman to woman as opposed to just leaving a woman to get be on their own.

So they end up using their current wives as temporary stop gaps until they can be bothered to find someone else.

Horrible to say but I’ve seen this happen so often.

Wordysmith · 08/09/2024 10:15

I know he takes me for granted, but I feel something drastic needs to happen.

Yes, you’ll need to stand up for yourself and your children (he’s also neglecting them by not bothering with family time) and let him know there will be consequences if this continues. It is obviously a tricky situation but I think you are enabling him right now.

No one will speak for you so you need to use your own voice.

FilthyforFirth · 08/09/2024 10:12

Stop enabling him. Tell him the birthday weekend was booked first so tough. No way would I allow his hobbies to take up both weekends.

DH is football mad and has a season ticket, if a home game clashes with a family event, it is tough as family comes first.

I couldn't live like you are. Put your foot down woman!

Jjiillkkf · 08/09/2024 10:09

GoldenLyonel · 07/09/2024 20:09

I struggle to think of what either of you are getting out of this marriage?

Is quite obvious what he is getting out if it, I struggle to see why you can't?

jeaux90 · 08/09/2024 10:07

Marriage should be a partnership, not a life sentence.

Time for a very harsh chat with him OP.

Original poster
Lucy041 · 08/09/2024 10:04

LunaNorth · 08/09/2024 09:53

Ah, my mistake. That’s a pity.

Funnily enough, his parents know what he is like, if I asked them to make a new cheque out to me so I can just lodge it, they wouldn’t have an issue with this. It just drives me nuts that I’d have to be the one to sort it out, he would honestly just leave it there.

It’s not that we have a huge amount of money or anything, just small house with small mortgage and some savings.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lucy041 · 08/09/2024 10:01

The party is this Saturday so I’m thinking I might just go alone or just go somewhere else alone, and leave him to arrange things for the girls. I don’t think I’d enjoy this, and it would just to prove a point, I’d feel so guilty for not spending the time with the girls. Almost like I was using them to prove a point, it doesn’t seem fair: .

I try my best to do things alone or with family and friends, that’s kind of how we’ve got to this point. I feel like we’re living seperate lives, he continues to make excuses but I honestly don’t think he realises how difficult it is. And I know this is because things are all set up to suit him, he has his family with minimum effort from his side.

Im just so fearful of making a decision I will regret, I don’t want to break up our family, and end up having to split our time with the girls. They are so young, I’d hate not to be with them all weekend. I wouldn’t care if he played his golf and did his other hobbies if he showed a bit of effort with me and our relationship. I know he takes me for granted, but I feel something drastic needs to happen. There’s a little voice in my head saying that forever is a long time.

OP posts:
Evaka · 08/09/2024 09:58

Copperoliverbear · 07/09/2024 23:54

I'd lay it on the table for him, I'd ask to talk to him once the child are in bed and I'd basically say
You have six months to put some effort into our relationship to start paying me some attention and spending time with me doing things I want to do.
Our sex life needs to also resume and you need to stop acting like you're single and putting the family first as well as having your own interests.
We need date night once a month and a holiday twice a year, otherwise I am going to ask you to leave, so the balls in your court wether you want to save our relationship and your family or not.

This is is perfect advice.

LunaNorth · 08/09/2024 09:53

Ah, my mistake. That’s a pity.

Wordysmith · 08/09/2024 09:52

LunaNorth · 08/09/2024 09:26

Also, I’d be asking my parents for a new cheque, made out to me alone. It’ll be a useful nest egg.

we have a wedding gift of a cheque from his parents for 3.5k and we haven’t lodged it after 18 months

It’s his parents who gave them the cheque.

LunaNorth · 08/09/2024 09:26

Also, I’d be asking my parents for a new cheque, made out to me alone. It’ll be a useful nest egg.