To not invite dad’s GF to my wedding?

She said they split up for good in 2022.

I think do whatever YOU want to do. It's your wedding day! If you don't want a stranger there, then don't invite her. Don't let your Dad bamboozle you into inviting her because it's what he wants. Equally if you do want her then your Mum will have to accept it. It is only one day! And - I do know what I'm talking about!

Did you say your parents have been separated for ten years? Your mum needs counselling. Your dad is also being presumptuous thinking his girlfriend is invited if you've never met her. Tell your mum to sort herself out. Tell your dad your fears. Don't expect the girlfriend to come on holiday and not come to the wedding... that's plain rude.

Can we please stop saying the mum "needs to grow up"!
It's so disrespectful and completely disregards the trauma she has been put through & is still presumably trying to come to terms with.

I would say if anyone needs to "grow up" it's the father for not seeing that wanting to bring a new gf to his daughter's wedding day under these circumstances is unacceptable.
If he could be an emotionally aware adult and say "look, I don't expect you to invite Gloria & that's fine with both of us" all of this drama would be avoided

It's YOURS and your future husbands day, not your mums, not your dads and not anyone else's. Tell your dad that, as much as you understand she's his girlfriend, she's a complete stranger to you, you're not in any way close to her and it will only achieve making your mum feeling uncomfortable - consequently she is not invited to the wedding or after party. She may still decide to travel with your dad and plan something for herself on the day and evening of the wedding but she can't expect to be invited when it will cause issues with your actual family and you don't even have a relationship with her.

Your mum does need to grow up, but I don’t really think that will happen if it hasn’t already. My dad’s second wife wasn’t invited to my brothers wedding (because she was mean, not because of my mum, my mum didn’t give a fuck and was just excited for a wedding). Initially my dad declined to go, but he came round in the end. My point is that he may well decline to go, it may just be initial and an emotional reaction but it might be final. You know your dad so I’m sure you know what’s likely. I will say, as she’s a girlfriend and not his wife and you haven’t met her, I think you’ve got a strong case based on that alone. I’ve planned a wedding and we had a rule of no plus ones we haven’t met and don’t know, this is much easier when you’re doing a small wedding though.

If Gloria is gone, that works for the whole family.

Why is it "this"?

If the parents have split amicably and there hadn't been abusive behaviour involved in the marriage then, yes, it would be off to not invite a new partner.

But in these circumstances the dad needs to accept that his appalling behaviour has consequences and this is one of them.
He might not like it but, tough. It will be hard enough for the mum, his ex wife, to spend the day with him as it is.
They both need to compromise to facilitate OP's day. Why should the father have it all his own way?

Chances are the poor OP will go through all this heartache and Gloria will be yesterday's news by the time the wedding rolls round anyway.

@Livelovebehappy I have never been an OW or involved with someone who was separated but not divorced.

I understand the DM was treated badly and may be traumatised, but it has nothing to do with Gloria. If Gloria gad been the OW I would agree with protecting the DM’s feelings at this stage

This seems so reasonable that it's hard to imagine how anyone could argue with it.

Familes, eh?

If I were you I wouldn’t invite her but I would talk to your dad properly about it and possibly Gloria too - it isn’t a snub and you are very happy he is settled with Gloria but the wedding day will be family only. If they travel together maybe you can have lunch with them the day before or after or something. I’d explain that I wouldn’t want my mum’s day or her memory of her daughter’s wedding to be tainted and so you are just wanting to be sensitive to her feelings. I know others will say your parents have been separated a long time but clearly your mother is not over it and you seem to sense her feelings here are legitimate given the nature of the marriage.

This

I don't believe either parent is being reasonable here: your mother in making her past grievances others' problem, or your father with his presumption that you'll invite a woman you've never even met before. You could justifiably say that your wedding is neither the time nor the place to do so.

I would offer to meet Gloria separately for a meal during her visit but not offer her an invitation. If your father isn't prepared to attend on any other terms but his own then that is a decision for him, but I'd be disappointed and not think much of him because of it. Likewise of your mother, if she can't swallow her grievances for one day or causes any unpleasantness or awkwardness at the wedding.

My husband's sister was unable to offer compromises like this and only stated that she expected everyone to behave exactly as she wanted them to because ... 'our day'. It can probably be anticipated how that panned out!

I daresay he will act all innocent, like these men so often do. His presence (and overt or covert gloating) is sufficient drama. I don’t think he should be there.

Your focus should be reducing the stress to yourself on the day. Even though I think your mother is being immature and self centred, your father will have to accept that his behaviour over the years has contributed to this mess and his ‘current’ gf won’t be invited because you are prioritising a stress free day. If he dares complain or tries to emotionally blackmail you with not coming, tell him that you will miss him and you hope he will prioritise his daughter.

This isn’t about you favouring one parent over the other, this is about you prioritising your sanity and anybody who can’t support you in that, needs to be elsewhere.

Congratulations.

I sat next to my exh partner at my sons wedding ( at the church ) , it was a bit awkward as I have no interaction with him or her at all but we all survived .
No hysterics or anything as the day is obviously not about us .
I'd tread carefully about this as he might think no her , no him and not come.
A year away is still awhile off , who knows what will happen , just invite him and his plus one , I'm sure your mum can just grin and bear it .

Your dad has been with his gf a matter of months and is unreasonable to expect her to come to your wedding. Your mum needs to get over your dad having other partners given the length of time they've been divorced. Neither are behaving considerately towards you.

Absolutely.
And, in the longer term, support your mum on her journey in coming to terms with what she has been through.
That doesn't mean be the person who listens to her problems and feelings but encourage her to find the support she needs to find peace.

In your situation I would tell your Dad that Gloria will not be invited to your wedding as it would upset your mother and you don't want tension at your wedding.
Tell him that he is invited and if he brings Gloria with him on this trip you can meet them both after the wedding for a meal out.

I would tell your mother that Gloria is not invited but you expect her to be civil to your father that day. I would also tell her that she needs to get some counselling to help her deal with their splitting up.

In your situation I would tell your Dad that Gloria will not be invited to your wedding as it would upset your mother and you don't want tension at your wedding.
Tell him that he is invited and if he brings Gloria with him on this trip you can meet them both after the wedding for a meal out.

I would tell your mother that Gloria is not invited but you expect her to be civil to your father that day. I would also tell her that she needs to get some counselling to help her deal with their splitting up.

I think I would not invite Gloria if I had never met her and your dad would be very unreasonable if he was unhappy about this. It would be different if you had met her but your wedding day is not the time for a first meeting. You could meet up for a meal after the wedding if she is going to be in the same country. Both your parents have to respect your wishes whatever you decide. It is not Gloria's fault but she should understand your situation and do something else for the day. It is not fair on you to be caught in the middle of both your parents especially not on your wedding day.

Yes, she might be like that in the futurre but also she might not. It's still early days in terms of the end of the marriage so let's not assume she's going to be a bitter, angry person forever more just because some people are.

At the moment she is still reeling from the hurt and betrayal she has endured until quite recently and the more pressing problem is OP's wedding situation.

My friend had this, except everyone was in the UK. Mum would have been distraught if dad's new (ish) partner was there. So she didn't invite dad's partner. Dad then said he wasn't coming if partner wasn't invited. Luckily dad bucked up his ideas and did come (alone) and did speech etc.

I would talk to your Dad and tell him you are happy to meet his gf and if he wants to bring her to the country of your wedding and you'll meet up with a meal with them both but won't be inviting parents plus ones to the wedding. I'd explain it would cause your Mum distress and you are afraid she may refuse to go. See what your Dad says. I'd not risk my Mum not going or want to put her in a painful situation.