To not invite dad’s GF to my wedding?

Tell your dad there are no plus ones. Only invited persons who have been a part of you and your dp's lives. And I agree to mention your mother would be upset seeing him bring a date and you do not want that.

Actually, why not send him his invitation now, with just his name on it then if he mentions her coming say the no plus ones explaination.

Your Dad likes to play games. Despite introducing “Gloria” to your sibs who live close by he’s not sure this relationship will last as long as your wedding…..
Hes on the look out for new blood , and if it draws attention and upsets your mum all the better!
What do you want OP ?
Its your wedding , you get to choose.

My advice is tell both your parents what you want. They don’t get to dictate or bargain terms for their invitation.

You need to be a lot tougher with them . Gather the support of your Fiancé it’s his wedding too .

You both deserve a beautiful stress free day but YOU need to be assertive now

I guess one question is how much of a role your dad would have in the wedding.

For example: if he's supposed to be walking you down the aisle, on the top table, making a speech, father/daughter dance. Who is Gloria going to sit with? First of all you are well within rights to explain to him your wedding is not the time/place to introduce her to the family. Also what is his plan of what she's going to do while he is doing all these other things? Unless he is wanting to step back and take the role of normal guest not father of bride?

Hi @CrypticElliptical

It might be a good idea to have therapy (if you haven’t already) to unpack some of the impact that your parents have had on you.

My parents are self-centred nightmares and my exH’s parents had had a toxic toxic marriage and divorce. They could not be in the same room together. At one point on my wedding day exMIL walked over to exFIL’s new partner and snatched exSIL’s baby son out of her arms and snapped “get your hands off my grandchild”. My wedding day was just awful, so stressful, between my useless family doing nothing to help and my toxic in-laws circling each other like hyenas. I was bridesmaid for my best friend a couple of years later and noticed how lovely her day was with everyone making a fuss of her, instead of her having to juggle weirdo family members.

As the years went on, my rule became that both in-laws would be invited to things (e.g. christenings, birthday parties etc) and if exMIL didn’t like it, she could stay away. Thank God I no longer have anything to do with them.

I recommend you sit down with your mum a d dad, separately and together (maybe via zoom or whatever) and spell out that it is YOUR day, you are the focus, you are not pandering to their dramatics and they (and Gloria) are welcome to attend. You don’t negotiate with emotional terrorists and if that’s too hard they can stay away although that would make you sad.

It is not your job to parent your parents.

I’m planning on marrying my DP in Tuscany (I’m in NZ) to make sure I don’t have to deal with batshit family second time around.

I hope you have a lovely wedding and lots of fun planning your special day ❤️

I wouldn't invite her - nothing personal but I'd want my mum (who has been wronged) to feel relaxed and happy.
It seems to me that dad has done whatever the fuck he likes, all the way through and this would be one more occasion where his wishes were prioritised over mum's feelings.
Mum might not have handled the divorce well, but ultimately she's reacted to dad's behaviour.

If my dad wouldn't come to my wedding because I hadn't invited his partner (who I hadn't even met), I'd consider it his loss, not mine.

Then since she is totally innocent in all this, there is absolutely no reason she shouldn't be invited, and it would be rude, hurtful and wrong to exclude her. Especially if you are allowing other guests to bring a plus one (perhaps some you haven't met either, such as a friend's boyfriend or partner?). But not your dad. Your mother sounds like a very selfish person here. He has a girlfriend. He has a plus one. Just like other guests. Not inviting her is just wrong. And your mother needs to be told to grow up, stop being so selfish and stop destroying your wedding. I wouldn't tolerate your mother's behaviour if I were you.

OP you haven't answered if she is the Other Woman or not, as that changes everything. Is she the OW? Did she have anything to do with your dad's adultery?

My dad’s new woman was not invited to my sibling’s wedding on the grounds that it would be hurtful to my mum and that we’d never met her. (I was already married so not an issue for my wedding).
YANBU not to invite her, it would cause too much upset and tension, plus you’ve not met and don’t have any kind of relationship with her so you’re not leaving her out in that sense either.

Ps your father does sound incredibly self centred!

I agree with pp, that phrase "IF things are still going well..." is surely your get out clause if numbers need to be decided now.

If he and Gloria aren't together by your wedding he might fill that space with an even newer girlfriend!

He won't take that as an indication he needs to get the two of you together beforehand will he? You might need to be a bit more explicit that she won't be invited.

Tbh him saying 'if things are still going well' gives you a reason in itself - you can't keep a space for a 'partner' so unestablished he himself says he doesn't know if they'll still be on the scene.

How has he been with her? How long until the wedding?

This.

I wouldn't be inviting the new gf.

Elope to Europe and have a tiny family wedding with the elderly relatives then a second wedding or party in your home country, and another party in the UK (I'm assuming you live here). There's going to be drama between your parents whatever happens!

There are consequences of your dad leaving the family and his partner not being invited to your wedding is one of them!

Similar situation to yours a couple of decades ago. My dad wouldn't come without his witch of a partner so my mother gave me away.

I can testify to that. But I’ve been thinking because of something the OP said that there was an added heartbreak to this breakup and I wouldn’t be surprised if the other woman was a close relative.

It’s irrelevant to how the mother will be feeling at seeing her ex DH happy with another woman after an affair. Even if the new girlfriend was not OW.

It sounds as if both your parents are selfish putting their feelings and frustrations before you and your siblings. Check
Your mum is a grown woman who loved and married a man incapable of being faithfully and made her very unhappy.
However she chose to be in that situation she chose to keep going back to him and she is choosing to vent her anger at everyone who will listen. Her choices had consequences.
Whilst she has every right to be hurt she doesn’t have the right to control every member of her family and family occasion because she’s unhappy.
I think you need to talk to both of your parents and lay down the law.
This is your wedding not theirs and they don’t have the right to spoil it because they can’t put away their differences to put you first.
I think your dad is being very thoughtless inviting someone you’ve never met to your wedding . He knows it will hurt the mother of his children , that it could hurt you on your wedding day but he’s still putting his own wants first. Selfish.
You should choose who attends your wedding not him. He needs to grow up and put you first.

I think you will be very anxious about your mother if Gloria is there too. What has your mum said about the situation?
Probably I'd do what she wanted, even though it is your day. After all, you've never even met Gloria.

Good luck.

Speaking with similar experience OP I married 27yrs ago and my mother has never forgiven or moved o to this day.
Your Dad is being quite presumptious and to a Large extent rubbing it in your mums face. How dare he! I would be a bit hard on him that as far as your mum is concerned she does not believe that his current gf was not the OW Put him on the back foot a bit rather than him announcing to you about Gloria attending. That the breakup is still very raw for your mum and as she was the gilted partner and your mum her comfort needs to be a priority, that even seeing him there is likely to be difficult for her.

The meal out to meet new gf is a good idea.

I then made things as comfortable as I could for my mum. My sister helped to keep her in check! She was warned to behave herself.

It's always a clever tactic of the cheaters/abusers to turn up and act all civil they have all the power in these scenarios. When the victim reacts its perfect DARVO to all onlookers I.e look what I had to put up with.

Then focus on you and your fiance - my wedding went well and hope yours does to!

Good luck