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Original poster

To think he's unfair with finances

34 replies

loandbeholder · 07/09/2024 16:08

Been together for 11 years, 2 DDs and a mortgage. We've had a rocky couple of years as he has form for being emotionally abusive, but that's a separate issue.

I work part time around the girls. Eldest DD has just turned 4 and started reception last week, youngest is 2 and in preschool (they are 13 months apart). I work PT around school hours which is actually pretty stressful as it gives me 15 mins leeway to drop off DD1 to school, DD2 to preschool and get to the office in time, to then shoot off from work to collect them both by 3pm in different locations. I cannot work anymore than I already do as it would increase DD2s nursery bill (we do get the 15 hours free and have to pay extra on top as she does 18 hours a week), and we don't have anyone to watch them outside of school hours. So as it stands, my work opportunities are pretty limited.

Partner works self employed all week including weekends. I solo parent all of the time, which isn't easy on-top of working and running the house, but I do my best. As I work PT my wage isn't the best, but it's enough to cover the monthly food shopping, tv bill, car insurance, phone bill and nursery bill along with clothes for both DDs and any leisure/days out I do with them at weekends or days off. He pays for the rest (mortgage and utilities).

My outgoings do exceed my income, and I am often in my overdraft. I feel as though I can't ask him for money as he gets huffy. Whenever I do ask for anything, he claims he is 'helping me out' which I find really belittling as it is only ever money I need for the children. If he puts petrol in the car, he acts as though he is doing me a huge favour like I use my car to drive on a jolly - the only times I drive my car are to get the girls to where they need to go. I broke down today after I went to collect some uniform for my eldest from Next, and when we came out both DDs said they were thirsty. I tried to buy them both a small bottle of water each and my card was declined, this has become a bit of a habit recently and it is really embarrassing but it also makes me feel like an inadequate mother that can't even provide basics for the girls. In reality if I were able to work full time I would be able to have a respectable wage again, but I can't do this as I have to be the sole carer for the girls, and I work as much as I physically can.

I just feel as though he treats our finances separately when we are supposed to be a team, is this normal? Am I over reacting? It all just feels so unfair

OP posts:
simpledeer · 07/09/2024 16:29

It’s not a separate issue, it’s the exact same issue. He’s an abusive dickhead.

Are you going to tell us you have no idea how much he earns and that he doesn’t want to get married because it’s “just a piece of paper?”

I feel for you OP I really do. You have sleepwalked into an abusive relationship and you now need to extricate yourself. He will have to pay you around 20% of his net income and you will possibly be entitled to UC top up.

Check out the entitledto website. Get copies of any financial info you can find whether paper or online, so you know what he’s earning and spending.

Is your name on the house deeds?

HappyHeader · 07/09/2024 16:27

This is why emotional abuse shouldn’t have been ignored. You’re trying to convince yourself it’s not an issue when it fact it has ramped up and now he’s also financially abusing you.

Ponderingwindow · 07/09/2024 16:25

Why is there at least one of these posts every single day?

This is not equality. This is a man using you.

if you work part-time to care for his children, then his earnings are your earnings. You get full access to all accounts and the two of you get equal discretionary money. You discretionary money is for you, not the children. The child budget is separate.

If he won’t agree to that, then stop working part-time, put the children in care, hand him half the bill and his schedule for half the drop offs, pickups, sick days, and school holidays. Also bedtimes, mornings, etc. get a full time job and start looking out for yourself.

skyeisthelimit · 07/09/2024 16:20

You need to sit down with him and bank statements for all your accounts and look at what comes in and what goes out, then work out a fair payment for each of you to pay in to cover the costs. He earns more so he pays more in. You need to look at the annual expenses too.

He is not, at any point, doing you a favour, by paying for things for HIS children.

If he won't have that discussion, or agree to put more into the finances, then you have a serious problem that won't change.

Mrsttcno1 · 07/09/2024 16:18

I think what you need to do tonight, after the kids are in bed, is have an open and honest discussion about finances. Get a pen and paper and go through all of the expenses, and I mean everything, that both of you are paying. Write everything down, add it all up, and then look at how much you both earn each month and see if there is a way to balance it better.

It may be that actually he is also left with nothing after paying for everything he pays for, maybe things just are tight all round for you at the moment. But it may be that actually when it’s all written down you can see that he’s left with say £500 after paying his bills while you’re left with £10. If that is the case then you need to be discussing which of the extra bills he is going to pay for to try and even things up.

Or in an ideal world just have a joint account which all money goes into, and all bills etc come out of.

Blobblobblob · 07/09/2024 16:18

Look up how much childcare support you could claim as a single parent

Hint - a lot

Changeiscomingthisyear · 07/09/2024 16:16

He is emotionally abusive and financially abusive.

Swanbeauty · 07/09/2024 16:15

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at OP's request.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/09/2024 16:11

We've had a rocky couple of years as he has form for being emotionally abusive, but that's a separate issue.

Him being emotionally abusive is never a separate issue. It is the issue. Money is just another thing he uses as a stick to beat you with.

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