To finally accept that I’ve gained weight and this is me now?

Old women, not middle aged. This seems more relevant for OP's mum than for OP.

Lifelong guilt at eating/felt huge at size 12/Mother's attitude

sounds like a huge cacophony of irrational food issues at play - sounds like you need to be a bit more tolerant with yourself and inner voices and make peace with eating, your new size, your overall health and the benefits that the medication brings.

I'm in a really similar position. I'm 5 ft 7. If I watch what I eat and exercise loads, I weigh 11 stone and am a size 12. I've recently started HRT and have put on weight around my middle, and am starting to wonder, 'Is it worth endlessly controlling my food and exercise to weigh a stone less and be a size 12 instead of a curvy 14?' I think the answer is probably no. Who actually cares except for me? Yet I hate myself in photos and in a swimming costume...I need to change my mindset somehow. When I read your post, my obvious answer was - accept this slightly new you and embrace feeling better! I'll try too!

Yes, given everything you've said, that it's clearly linked to the medication that's saving your life, I would accept who you are on the meds and try to enjoy life.

If you find yourself struggling OP, maybe try this book - it's lovely

https://www.waterstones.com/book/everyones-a-critic/julia-bueno/9780349014579

Accept it, I bet you look great. I honestly could have written a very similar post!

All women's bodies get a bit bigger as we age unless we eat like sparrows because of metabolism slowing down plus hormones and all the rest of it.

Medication only adds to it. Just eat healthily as much as you can, we need less calories than we used to which is rubbish but a fact.

Shiny hair and a full bust sound fabulous to me, OP. 💐

I agree with PP’s that a combination of the medication and being over 40 is probably causing the weight gain. A recent study looked into the link between various types of AD’s and weight gain. It sounds as if you’re on the high end so you could consider changing AD’s -but if it ain’t broke, why fix it? You being well and happy is the most important thing.

I’ve 50 and have been on Escitalopram for several years. I’ve gained about 10lbs, most of it in the last five years. I think it’s mainly due to perimenopause, tbh. As others have said, a little more weight has the benefit of smoothing out the fine lines. The really thin ppl I know in my age group looked haggard.

https://amp.cnn.com/cnn/2024/07/02/health/weight-gain-antidepressants-wellness (direct link to study in this article).

Put your toxic mother in a home, sell the bungalow (or use it as a summer/guest house and enjoy your life and your lovely, healthy body.

@SaltAir sorry, I misread your reply. My final sentence was what I believe is true. But I know weight gain can be an unwanted side effect of many MH meds.

Absolutely this. Also in addition to your improved mental health, another benefit is that a little extra weight will make you look younger too!

OP, read "Your Weight Is Not The Problem" by Lyndi Cohen. It has really practical advice for 1) stress reduction and mental health self-care, 2) setting boundaries with unhelpful relatives and 3) continuing your healing journey from a lifetime of poor parenting relating to weight/food/nutrition.

It has helped me to shift my mindset about my body so much, in a way that I just couldn't do despite years of therapy (I have a mum similar to yours, also on antidepressants and has caused weight gain, etc).

I am nearly 40 and used to be a size 8/10 and around 8 stone 4 or 5. In the past year or so, I have put on nearly a stone without doing anything different and now have to wear 12/14. I look 5 months pregnant and it really upsets me.
I think it's am age thing sadly.

Time to adjust makes sense and is really encouraging to the OP @Tocleanornottoclean2 - I get that now, it wasn't how I read your post but it makes much more sense that way.

@CoffeandTiaMaria I am so sorry that happened to you. You deserve all the nice things and would regardless of your weight.

I meant that sometimes it takes time to adjust, it doesn't mean you will just gain weight forever. Also, medications usually cause weight gain because they increase appetite, if OP is still gaining weight and eating so little (I agree, much too little) then it's worth going back to the doctors to see if there's any underlying reason.

Thin older women break their hips more easily than rounder ones. Those pillows of fat are protective.

Your mum sounds very rude, tell her that she should be grateful to YOU for allowing her to live there!

The last thing my mother told me before she died was that I was fat and didn’t deserve anything nice 🤷🏼‍♀️.
Yes I’m 5’6”, 81kgs but the bucket of heart medication that’s keeping me alive has also lead to a 2st weight gain.
I have come to terms with the fact that this is how it is now, better than the other option if I stopped taking the medication!

I think to someone who is upset about her weight gain, your statement that you lost the weight you gained on medication through 'hard work' and being 'strict with food' would sound like encouragement to her to lose weight - but if you read her opening post, she is working so hard and being so strict already. She's had criticism of her body all her life; I do think your post could be read as critical even if not at all intended in that way.

Embrace it OP. I’m similar size to you, love to be smaller but hey ho life is happier and I want to enjoy going out. I’m mindful what I eat and try and exercise regularly to offset the days when I want to enjoy a meal with friends.

the only thing I do differently now is I have a big glass of water first thing every day and some vitamins and try and have sugar free days at least three times a week.

You were giving calorie reduction tips to a woman eating 1000 calories a day and fasting for 23 hours.

I can only imagine this thread is pretty distressing @thegreenlight with so many echoes of your mother's voice. Your routine right now sounds extremely punishing and exhausting and honestly, 1000 calories a day is not enough food for an adult woman. On Mumsnet there will be a chorus insisting that's not the case - this is a part of the Internet where very low calorie intake are lionised to a very frightening degree and weight gain is considered the worst and most terrible thing.

But you are well and healthy and happy. You are productive, successful and loved. Even if you gain more weight, those things will still be true. People don't immediately fall ill and die the second their BMI clicks over to the next category. If the choice is thin and suicidal versus heavier and happy - however much heavier that is - it seems like a straightforward choice. Even if some people on the internet would choose the first, you're right to choose the second.

Ah sorry, just realised I missed your post when you said it’s sertraline.

My mum doesn’t want to be seen out with me anymore since I gained weight

Your mum sounds fucking awful.

As a PP said, your MH is just as important as your physical health.

I would focus on maintaining the weight that you are now and buying clothes that fit your new shape.

I would also focus on healthy eating and exercising.

If the weight comes off of you by living a healthy lifestyle, then great but if not then it doesn’t matter because you’ll still be living a healthy lifestyle.

You are healthier now than you were before you put on weight.

You just need to not let your mum’s wrapped mind make you feel bad about yourself.

Same, OP. I'm same size but small boobs and honestly, it's crap because I look a lot fatter than I would if I had more proportionate boobs. You sound happy, you aren't so overweight it's concerning, so enjoy your new life!

As I have got older, my priorities have changed. I'm half a stone heavier than I want to be but I am focusing on fitness, muscle strength and flexibility.

Being able to lift heavy bags out of the car boot, do an 8 mile hike or crouching down easily to get something from the back of a low cupboard make me happier than a number in the scales!

It's lovely your medication has worked so well.