What age is appropriate for school friend sleepovers?

As it is something you feel concerned about, could you start small and work up? Start with play dates and always offer / accept a cup of tea and a chat, then only send them to sleepovers if you trust the parent.
Loads of time when my eldest was in primary I'd text parents to say "the kids want to bake and are short a couple of ingredients, are they OK to walk to the shop by themselves?" because I know give my kids more real life freedom and less online freedom than was the norm at their primary. Sort of annoying when they wanted to play in the woods and I had to go too, but I got fresh air and exercise as well! That was a fear of dogs rather than flashers, we all have our own reasons for the choices we make.

I now understand why so many kids have anxiety and MH issues.

Jeezo there's a lot of people with real issues on this thread. 😳

I wonder hiw you even leave the house with the fear you have.

Should have said, school and club sleepovers are slightly different and I would be led by my DC. But if they didn't fancy it, that's fine by me. I would give them a choice though without steering them.

I'm not keen. DD is SEN so we've not been asked but I'm not happy with the principle. I like to know she's safe at home. I literally couldn't give a flying fig if anyone judges me for this. I hated sleepovers as a child, much preferred being at home. I'm not emotionally or socially scarred from not going to every sleepover I was invited to. It's not about coddling or making children think they're not safe anywhere other than home, it's about not being bullied into doing something because the wider world deems it to be the social standard. People should just do what they feel is best for their children. That's what parenting is. Your child, your rules.

What about overnights for school trips, sports clubs, brownies, clubs etc?

It is a real shame that so many children are banned from sleepovers. It is possible to protect them too much. They'll be banned from leaving the house at this rate.

Of course they aren't essential and children will enjoy other things instead, but they are so much fun. My DD loves them. She had one last night. It was a 9th birthday party and her and 3 other girls from her class stayed with the birthday girl. They watched a film and had pizza and popcorn in their pyjamas. They stayed up way too late because they were chatting and giggling too much to sleep. It's just fun and she is closer to her friends because of it.

About 8 both my boys started having sleep overs. One kid used to come home on a Friday and stay and go to school Monday! I used to love having them over the kids would have so much fun.

I think the odds that this policy will mess up your kids is higher than the odds that your kids will be sexually assaulted at a friend’s house. You’re teaching your kids that they should never trust anyone outside the family, ever, and you’re probably offending their friends’ parents, too. “Rosie’s not allowed to stop by ours after school and do homework with you? Well, what sort of people does Rosie’s mum think we are, I wonder?!”

Honestly, lovely chatty people, one set of parents both nurses, all in grand estates etc. you just never know where people have different priorities/ rules to you. When I thought of the two kids walking through that estate to a shop that ended up closed down because it was robbed so much and the windows were smashed in so regularly! From then on for all visits I was like ‘ah no god don’t worry, we’ll have him over here’😅😅😅

Too much chance of SA from Dads, visiting friends of brothers, peer on peer abuse, doing things you're not ready for, or things like exposure to alcoholic/shouty/violent parents, drugs, badly trained dogs and basically an exposure to a way of life my 7 year old doesn't need.

I feel the risks of SA from a total stranger at a sleepover (eg dad or brother) is somewhat lower than a victim who has been groomed by the perpetrator from a young age. It's obviously never zero, but from a logical perspective, the most likely outcome would be the daughter's friend telling their parents immediately and them going to the police. The perpetrator does not know what relationship the girls have with their parents and whether they can be guaranteed silence through shame or secrecy. Trying to SA a friend of your child at a sleepover is very risky to say the least.

I only realised many years later that my best friend from high school was almost certainly being SA'd by her father. There were many strange clues at the time in her behaviour and speech but which were never picked up as kids. Her subsequent behaviour after leaving school also point to severe trauma. I slept over at her house multiple times and vice versa. At the time I obviously had no idea what her father was like (neither did my parents) but he was very good at appearing totally normal. None of our sleepovers felt off or weird, and he was never sleazy but just kept his distance so we didn't see much of him.

It's only much later that the thought of having been in the same house creeps me out. But at the same time, I feel that sort of SA was typically "within the family" where he knew nobody would find out. I believe her mother also knew what was going on but there was a conspiracy not to break up the family about it. There was a ton of secrecy about the whole thing and he had a respectable job.

We’ve been hosting and attending sleepover type events with dc at all ages. The youngest age my friends dcs have slept over at my home without their parents
was 9 weeks old. Friends from school, age 4 we have hosted and attended sleepovers. We often visit friends and stay in their house, or they visit us and stay here, or friends come for dinner and the Dc fall asleep and we decide to let them be and they come back for them in the morning. Or we go on camping trips together and the DC all hole up in someone else’s tent so we end up tent swapping. Or we go to festivals and events as a group and someone stays home to watch the kids and then they all end up having an impromptu sleepover or movie night. We’ve done hotel sleepovers, and taken other peoples kids on holiday with us.

Mine first went away with organisations at 7 (school, sports groups, matches, performances, brownies, scouts etc)

Its obviously trickier around 11 as you don’t know the families they are going to, but you will absolutely eventually have to drop them off with people you don’t know and leave them there - no matter what. Better to talk about safety and personal agency and self protection, privacy, what is appropriate, red flags, politeness and why it’s a problem, consent, following your instincts, how to get help, what to do if you are worried for yourself or for a friend, how to call for help, where to go and what to do in an emergency and that it’s entirely ok to make a fuss. And so on and on…

I’ve 4 kids and yes three sets of parents (but two with same ds) and all lovely people who I’d have chatted to at the school gates- aged 9/10. The third instance the dad had apparently just left as we turned up, had to pop to the shops but ‘is grand as older brother is there’. Got to door and the college aged friends were sitting on the doorstep with the brother with cans. Was a lovely summer evening and they seemed like nice guys but I was like wtf. Dh was away at the time so I was bending my sister’s ear and she talked me out of ringing. On the Monday I said he’d had a great time and thanks and she was uncomfortable and said sorry her dh had gone to the shop and I said oh it’s grand but I thought I was at the wrong house nearly with the guys drinking and she just nodded and we stared at each other. (Are since back to normal and our kids are teens now)

I respectfully disagree that you can expect your children to be more confident and able to handle social situations when they are teens after a very sheltered childhood such as the one you're giving them.

Socialising in the school environment under adult supervision, at weekend parties with adult supervision, and at summer activities under adult supervision are not really a good preparation for the freedom of the teen years.

I would suggest to you that the best way to learn to handle situations is to gain experience dealing with a variety of other people in less formal settings.

There's no 'obsession' with sleepovers or playdates - this is as normal a part of many children's childhoods and their families' lives as reading, choosing books from the library together, eating dinner together, going places together for fun on the weekend, etc.

We don’t do sleepovers but that’s just because we’ve had eg ds being allowed walk through a dodgy estate to a dodgy shop in the evening without us being told and also another ds and friend was left alone while parents’popped out’ and in another case ds and friend left with son who had mates over that were drinking. All during the day so wouldn’t change sleepovers- parents can be lovely but different rules to you etc

Primary school is the perfect age for sleepovers. I'm much less keen on teenagers having them though - for obvious reasons.

@Jellybeanbag how will your dc learn social etiquette of being over at friend's houses if they haven't been to play dates? Like asking where the loo is or asking for a drink and not just helping yourself unless they're told that's what to do and things

Mine had sleepovers at friends' houses from age 6ish.

One of those weird topics where the MN thread doesn't fit my reality. In my world, as a child and parent, sleepovers are a very normal, common thing. I can't imagine how difficult parenting must be dealing with that level of anxiety.

Wise post.
DD has never had any. Likely ASD so she just isn't invited but it doesn't seem to be a thing in her year - lot of the parents feel like the OP. Caused a lot of problems with school residentials as the kids are all clingy and just not that independent.
DS has had since age 7. Know the parents well.

Age 10 is reasonable.

The girls in my son's class (age 9) have all been on Brownie camps and regularly do sleep overs. They will be going on a school trip over night this year.

You aren't thinking about what she's going to start missing out on OP if you don't start to let go soon. You can't cover all bases.

Besides if you were going to refuse to let her go to a sleepover at her friend's why did you have one at yours?

The parents will feel it's their 'turn' and that you have in effect 'agreed' they are all at that stage. The kids will be feeling the same.

You've set up everyone's expectations here and painted yourself in a corner. I don't know how you now reverse that without upsetting everyone. Did you not see this point coming?

What's really going on here?

Do you have a backstory?
Or do you generally have unmanaged anxiety that makes you feel like this is too much?
Are you worried about how she will cope?

At some point you are going to have to let go. You are going to have to trust someone. It's not easy. No one says it is. Yes there's always a risk. You need to start having difficult age appropriate conversations with her about boundaries and recognising inappropriate comments and behaviour. Abuse tends to follow a pattern of start grooming first. Build your relationship of trust with her so she feels she can tell you things.

What a very sad post.

My 3 kids and DH 5 had sleepovers regularly from about 7 . It was fabulous to host and for them to go . Especially when there were groups of them as well . A really fabulous part of childhood.

This post demonstrates the incredibly high levels of deep anxiety amongst (mostly) mothers of todays 5-16 year olds and the deeply frightening way that that anxiety is dressed up as 'safeguarding' to a ridiculous extent. I don't believe for one moment that the parents don't honestly believe this is justifiable caution but it really isn't . Your risk assessment antenna has been warped by your own anxiety.
and it's affecting your child's enjoyment of a normal part of growing up.

You should look at the work the university of Sussex's is doing with regard to this issue. Parental anxiety being passed on to children.

https://sussex.figshare.com/articles/journalcontribution/Theeimpactofftreatingparentallanxietyonnchildrenssmentalhealthhanemptyysystematicreview/23488307

Never. My kids don’t have sleep overs.