What age is appropriate for school friend sleepovers?

DD was 7 when she had the first sleepover, one here then one at her friend’s.

I was about to post this.

The same way an AE doctor will tell you to cut grapes for your toddler, don't ride a motorbike and be weary of trampolines, a lot of professionals in law enforcement and social work won't let their children attend sleepovers.

Older siblings, mummy's friends, sister's boyfriend... So many variables.

It's a blanket ban in this household until they're well into their secondary years.

8/9 but for parties so there were multiple children there. Similarly we've only hosted sleepovers with more than one child. Not sure if that reassures people or not but it feels like it would be way more effort for a predator to get one away from the others!

Wow. Just watch out when your DC rebel. Which they will.

I never had any conversations with my kids regarding what is and isn't ok. I feel that would unnecessarily scare them as young kids don't really need to be burdened with that information. They just need to be kids and enjoy themselves.

In this area 7 is the norm

I would have said seven or eight for school friends - 10 seems pretty old to be honest…

Same here.

I really hope people sending seven year olds are having conversations about what is and isn't OK.

I am in the police and I will never, ever, ever allow sleepovers, ever. The sad thing is there's no certain type of person who we can really say is or isn't safe and the risk isn't worth it IMO.

My DC are small so this isn't yet an issue, but we won't be doing sleepovers.
My neice was sexually abused aged 7 by a friend's older brother at a sleepover. I was groomed over a couple of years by a friend's dad - a very trusted friend of my parents- when I was a pre-teen. This included a lot of grey area type activity during sleepovers - (clothed) back massages, or my friend and I would be sitting on the sofa watching a movie and he would come and snuggle up with us both, lots of just slightly inappropriate compliments and presents - before progressing to more obviously inappropriate/abusive activity. But the initial stuff was so insidious, and explainable, and he was such a close family friend, I kept second guessing my discomfort... and none of it was strictly wrong, until of course it was.
For me the risk is just too great. 25 years later I'm still affected by my experience - it really shaped my view of sex, sexuality, relationships, trust, femininity, masculinity... and I'm not 100% convinced that I won't pass some of my unhealthy beliefs around those topics on to my children in turn. SA blows your life apart.

Reading this thread is very sad. Many DC prevented from enjoying normal childhood things due to their mothers anxiety. Thankfully looking at the poll it’s a different matter and most think OP is unreasonable. Mumsnet is a mad place

My DD8 is about to go to her first sleepover party. Because of mumsnet I've been really reluctant to let her. But I know the mum well. I trust her. She's 5mins away and if DD wants to come home any time Ill go get her.

My question is- what do you talk to your DDs about before they go? I don't want to worry her unnecessarily but I want her to be confident to not be put in any situation that makes her uncomfortable.

Really interesting. I have a DD in year 5 and I’m 99% certain that not a single one has had a sleepover. I doubt many would be allowed to either. Perhaps it’s a city thing.

Maybe 7/8 I think mine were when they had their first sleepovers. Mainly for friends birthdays.

I think that sometimes we feel that as our children grow we we be able to relax and that even if we prohibit something now, for instance saying no to sleepovers for primary school, then somehow when they grow we will magically be able to say yes to things.

Unfortunately I don't think it works like that. It doesn't get easier unless we make a conscious decision to purposefully rationalise things, or at least that's my experience. Just because your child is now 13 and not 8 you don't worry about things less. The things that you worry about change.

The abuse from a pedophile that you were worried about at 8 suddenly seems less likely and now you are convinced that a 13 year old who has a developed body is a much more likely target from any random male in the vicinity and therefore will worry about her just the same.

I completely understand the worry, because I worried about many things with my children, but I do think that sometimes we have a duty to not let them take over and prevent our children having healthy experiences. Some children are never let out of sight and find it difficult to believe in themselves as a consequence.

@NewUser1111 completely agree they're not for all kids, I had a friend who always ended up going home as she got homesick! But kids usually make it pretty clear if they're the sleepover sort (by incessantly asking...)

I’m fine with sleepovers if DC want them from about age 8. But it’s funny- I really did not enjoy them as a primary school aged child and don’t buy all this “how will your children learn how to behave?” stuff. Plenty of time for that. I remember being homesick, a bit freaked out by the difference of friends’ houses and bedrooms, worried about going to the loo, all kinds of things. I just wanted to be at home in my bed! I’ve not turned out socially inept.. I don’t think…

I remember reading an article by someone who investigated or researched or something like that- child sexual abuse. It included references to multiple other professionals and research saying the same sort of thing. CSA is usually done by people the family know well they groom the whole family as they need the parents trust to do it. The person who wrote the article said they would never allow sleepovers even if it's seen as unfair to the kid it's just not worth the risk.

That has stuck with me. I think I may allow sleepovers for teenagers but until then I'm going to be the mean parent who says sleepovers at home only.

DS has since he was 7 but we know the family well and they've been besties since they were teeny!

I think the focus on age is a bit wrong - it's better to focus on who the family are, how well you know them, who else is going to be around (visiting uncle? Older teens?) and how you talk to your child about boundaries and body safety. Also important is that the other family know your talk to your kids about this stuff, so they know your child is confident and not an easy target.

My primary aged kids are allowed sleepovers only with a couple of families where we know both parents very well, are very clear that no one else is sleeping over at the same time, and quite importantly we share the same rules (roughly) on internet use. They are far more likely to be traumatised by something they search online without proper child safety settings.

Mine went to her first one age 9, that seems to be the norm here

It is a real shame that so many children are banned from sleepovers. It is possible to protect them too much. They'll be banned from leaving the house at this rate.

My friend's 5yo was SA'ed by a guest teenager on her older kid's sleepover. So shit really does happen.
I'm not against sleepovers in general, but i prefer them with relatives and family friends, rather than mates from school. Safeguarding is important.

For those that ban them what do you tell your kids or what do you plan to tell them if they ask?

My friend was told by her mother as a teen that she could not catch a train or visit our local town as she could be raped or murdered. She ended up with agoraphobia and missed her GCSEs as she became a school refuser. I believe teaching DC that the world is a dangerous place to be feared is much more dangerous than teaching your DC to navigate the world safely.

My twin DDs are 6.5 and haven't had sleepovers yet. When it comes up, I'll judge it on a 'case by case' basis and I'm not imposing a blanket ban on sleepovers.
As an aside, I was raped by one of my delightful Mother's boyfriends. I'm wary of men as a parent of daughters, but I try not to let my shitty past control decisions around my children to their detriment (easier said than done).