What age is appropriate for school friend sleepovers?

Not saying that all the parents allowing these things should feel guilty. But the ones getting mad with the parents that don’t allow it must be carrying some sort of guilt or why the anger??

So just because you're in an environment where this works for you, you're judging people who may not be in similar circumstances.

True! I can't believe how common it is sadly for bad things to happen. A risk I'd never take but obviously I do only see worst.

So going on your stats, 8 in 9 people who take flights die mid flight. Sorry but when I take notice of stats they are from a reliable source not one that's one step from batshit crazy.

I think it’s quite telling that the posters being angry, name calling are the ones allowing sleepovers. Maybe feeling a bit guilty

@Nataliaa I agree I think different parenting styles is likely more a concern for me, like the example someone gave where they were allowed to walk to a shop, that kind of risk is more likely I feel but easily mitigated by how well you know the parents, your children, and I find that easier to screen for. We have a circle of parents in our neighbourhood that host sleepovers and we are all similarly minded, a trust that has built over time, starting with play dates building up to sleepovers. You get to know parents when they message and ask if your kids have allergies, what time you'd like them to go to bed, if they're allowed fizzy drinks that kind of thing. That doesn't happen over night but it's a trust that is built. No I can't know if the men in the house are sexual offenders, but if I lived like that it would be a very fearful and limiting childhood. As a parent I've found a balance I'm comfortable with, without any dramatic bans before I've even got to that stage.

This is our stance as well. I never had any sleepover in anyone’s house growing up (besides family and organised ones at school etc) and I’ve grown up to be a well rounded adult. I can say I did not miss out on a single thing.
DD1 is 11 and interestingly, she has never asked to go on a sleepover, she is just not the type of child who is interested in sleeping in someone’s house. She goes to camp with brownies, school residential and her netball club and she’s happy with that. She has organised play dates, activities, etc in the day with friends, just not sleeping over.
On this issue of play dates, mumsnet always seem like a different world entirely to the world I live in, all the parents of DD’s friends don’t do sleep overs either so I’ve not even had to decline one because it’s just not a thing.

I’m really surprised at most of these responses. It’s not attack on your parenting if someone doesn’t allow sleepovers but you do. Why are people accusing the ‘blanket no’ parents of having mental health problems? Maybe those of you allowing them are prioritising socialising over safety.

@StolenChanel My children are adults now but we never had a specific conversation about it.

I allowed sleepovers from about 7/8 but only with families we knew well. Unfortunately you can't eliminate all risk completely. There were one or two friends from rather chaotic households and I had to tell my boys not to ask if they could sleep there as the answer would always be no but that their friend could stay over at ours.

You have been incredibly judgmental on this thread!

Well that'll be because I am judging, I'm not hiding that, it's a discussion 🤷‍♀️

Im not against sleepovers, but your children should definitely know which body parts are private and not for touching if they are ever in anybody else’s care.

There's sleepovers and sleepovers.

Many parents allow sleepovers with grandparents or aunts and uncles.

Many parents allow children to go on brownie/cub camps away and later scout or guide camps.

Personally I wasn't keen on sleepovers because nobody got much sleep, me included if I was hosting them.

Mine did sleepovers from a very early age (6) but only with a couple of families we knew very well.

You have been incredibly judgmental on this thread!

Also it’s not just SA risk. It’s the fact what else goes on behind closed doors. I knew a mum for years with absolutely no idea she was a cocaine addict with social service involvement and her children were eventually on child protection risk. Also didn’t know a friend was being abused by her husband until she confided in me 2 years in to the marriage. Other parents might let their children have unrestricted social media access, or watch inappropriate films. Older brothers or sisters might be inappropriate- maybe language you don’t want your children hearing. Differences in how they discipline… so many things. I would rather not have to interview parents to allow my children there- they could also lie anyway! Much better to just not take the risk and wait.

My teen daughter goes to friends houses now- she is mid teens though. She’s not bothered about sleeping over though, she likes her own bed. But she does go to to friends homes. But she’s now at an age where she understands risks, knows about grooming, sexual abuse etc, knows how to keep herself as safe as possible, is very mature and open with me about everything, has a phone with our numbers stored in several ways (a safety type app installed) has a personal attack alarm etc etc. she’s not anxious at all. Just mature and knowledgeable and able to assess risks better than a 7 or 8 year old that cannot

Very judgemental to assume that I have a risk averse approach to everything.

I didn't say you did, you have a risk averse approach to this topic, I'm just saying, that it doesn't come without negatives, as I say, come back to me when your child is invited to "THE" sleepover of the year, that their friends are talking about incessantly all week at school and then tell me how easy it was to say no because her dad might do something.

Wow, so much judgment on this thread! It all depends on what parents experienced in their own childhood. If in their household, play dates/sleep overs/open door were a norm, it would be an essential thing to do for their kids too. Other families may have different rules/experiences and yet their kid’s childhood was not less fun and they did not turn up socially awkward. Each parent is free to set their own rules for their kids, why judge?! Also all kids are different, some will simply feel uncomfortable in someone’s else house. And if you live in the village or big city.
i don’t get why kids cannot learn how to ask for loo etc while going to be guests in some else house with their parents or when attending clubs etc? Why private conversations and unsupervised play could not happen in the park/on the playground? Does it always have to be in someone else’s home?! Do what’s best for your kids and let others to make their own choices without judging.

I don’t think OP is unreasonable.

I'm not at age where this is an issue yet but h do think it's sensible to take the risk very seriously

I'm not saying don't take it seriously, I'm a woman, I'm acutely aware of the vulnerability of our sex especially when young, but I don't think deciding a blanket ban when you have a toddler is a rational or reasoned approach, and it's not how I parent. We can't and shouldn't wrap our children up in cotton wool which things it's own equally (if not more) common dangers, there are steps we can take to approach these situations.

I've asked once before but I don't think anyone answered, id be really interested to know ihow a parent has explained to a child they are not allowed to go to sleepover when their overriding fear is SA.

😂

I took that as she does not allow her young children to go unsupervised to homes that she does not know, of other adults that she does not know or does not know well. Why is that such a bad thing?

My DC have lots of fun with their friends, but they don't need to be sleeping over anywhere. They're not missing out in my book. Under my roof, with my family. No questions whether they might be exposed to anything by a parent, peer on peer abuse, older siblings, boyfriends/girlfriends, random people coming to the home

but hang on…what….what…if your husband/ dad/ son is the abuser. As you say, you just don’t know anyone….

@Nataliaa @RedRidingGood the poster stated she doesn’t allow them to do play dates.

Very judgemental to assume that I have a risk averse approach to everything.
My point is, at the end of the day people have to decide what's best for their child.
There are so many factors in play - cultural, precious experiences, postcode etc.
Parents should not be shamed, and made to feel they are damaging their child because they've deemed certain factors unsuitable for a sleepover.

One in nine girls are a victim of CSA. One in nine people who take flights don't die doing so.
I'm not at age where this is an issue yet but h do think it's sensible to take the risk very seriously