What age is appropriate for school friend sleepovers?

@YankSplaining could not agree more. The whole Kirsty allsopp debate revealed how kids suffer from the lack of these experiences. Not walking to school being another example. For most of us the risk of abuse on a sleepover is thankfully tiny, but the impact on our children's mental health from sheltering too much them is huge.

It's a real shame that your view of life is that you would expect that something would have happened to them.

edited to tag poster

I don't want to have to return the favour. I don't want other people's dc in my house when I am trying to relax

Haha, this I understand.

I'm not a fan because

• the partners of three close friends have been charged with child SA in the past 5 years
• I work all week and want to see my dc at the weekends
• I don't want to have to return the favour. I don't want other people's dc in my house when I am trying to relax
• my siblings have older dc and say they hate sleepovers as no one sleeps and they come home at their worst

We have this “ancient” (late ‘80s) Sesame Street book called Grover Sleeps Over. It was mine as a kid, and I’ve kept it because I have a fun memory of the time one of my kids had me read it ten times in a row and I actually did it, complete with a Grover voice. 😂

I mention it because the plot really illustrates what kind of independence skills kids learn from sleepovers. Grover wants to bring his favorite breakfast cereal; his mother tells him he’ll be okay eating whatever cereal is at Betty Lou’s house, and he is. He learns he can trust that his mother will take care of his pet while he’s gone, and learns that if Betty Lou wants to tell ghost stories, he can say he doesn’t want to. He discovers that it’s a little strange to sleep in an unfamiliar bed in someone else’s house, but he can still fall asleep. He finds he can be responsible for brushing his teeth without his mother there to remind him. And he experiences new things at Betty Lou’s house - her toy blocks, her kitten and turtle, a cereal he’s never tried before.

That’s an appropriate level of independence for a child to learn, and I worry about kids who don’t develop that independence at a developmentally normal time. There’s a sense of accomplishment in being six years old and discovering you’re okay without your parents for one night. There’s no sense of accomplishment in being thirteen years old and your mother finally, finally allowing you to go to a classmate’s house. Kids feel embarrassed when they’re having “firsts” years after their peers, and there’s the danger of learned helplessness.

Also, I went to a sleepover at age 14 and the dad of my friend was inappropriate so in some ways teens could be more vulnerable than children depending on the predator.

I’m in the child mental health field, you are a great mother and making the best decision you can. If you knew what I knew, you wouldn’t let your child do sleepovers at all. I think personally it’s something you need to risk assess each time. Does your child understand inappropriate behaviour, grooming etc.? Are they assertive or passive with adults? Have you spoke to them about how to leave uncomfortable situations ? Do they use a phone so they can message if they want to leave? Check out ConsentParenting on Instagram.

I had my first sleepover when I was 11, Dd was 9 when she had a sleepover at her best friends party, there were 5 girls so I didn’t have a problem. She’s been having sleepovers ever since only with the kids whose parents I know very well. And I’ve only just started having sleepovers our house from last year but that was due to space. I think as teen girls sleepovers are like a rite of passage. Obviously I’ve hear the horror stories, I’m comfortable dd knows how to raise the alarm if anything was wrong, I consider myself a fairly good judge of character and the 2 dads of dd best friends are friends of mine and I’d like to think wouldn’t try anything shady.

Age 8 in our hhld (end of year 3). By 10 my dc have had sleepovers with multiple friends.

My kids had far fewer sleepovers in secondary than primary. I am surprised teen years are when some kids on MN seem to start staying over.

Unfortunately they are right, this is based off statistics. Mind, it would include the friends parents as it tends to mean someone they know / looks after them as opposed to a stranger. But also usually more close than a friends parent.

So glad nothing happened to them. I mean that genuinely.

I knew the parents when it happened to me on a sleepover! I'd known them since I was 2!!!!* 90% of child sexual abuse is by someone the victim knew......*

I am genuinely really sorry that happened to you and I can completely understand why you would choose not to allow your children to attend sleepovers. But on the flip side, I attended more sleepovers than I can count in my childhood, far more than my own children I admit, and I loved them, and that has coloured by own view on what I allow for my children. If we get statistical, I am sure that the vast majority of sleepovers do not result in abuse and as such are an acceptable thing for most parents. Ultimately, we can only go on our experiences and gut.

Dd’s friend’s parents are both in the police. Idk when they started allowing sleepovers as dd wasn’t very good friends with her until she was about 14. But I’ve never even met her parents and she’s slept here loads.

As for when we started allowing regular sleepovers, it was when dd was about 8.

You are absolutely correct.. and no it's not just the blanket sleep over ban from some parents - it is a symptom of the massive disparity between risk and reality.

There is a huge issue with children suffering with Anxiety and there is doesn't just happen . Kids aren't born anxious.

Children of anxious parents are at heightened risk of developing an anxiety disorder of their own, but promising research indicates that targeting parenting behaviours can reduce the risk of intergenerational transmission of anxiety. - University of Sussex research study into the effect of parental anxiety on children's mental health. - published in the Journal of Psychology 23/03/2022.

Erin Merryn in the USA has managed to change the law is 38 different states, on the education of children in schools re: body safety, as a survivor of child sexual abuse herself. If anyone knows everything there is to know on statistics, likelihoods, etc it's her! In each of those 18 states, she has petitioned congress, stood and spoken to crowds of people and lobbied about CSA.

She too has a blanket ban on sleepovers for her own children. I'm with her, sorry.

www.erinslaw.org

This! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Nope. You can use as many exclamation marks and capitals as you wish and I don’t agree. My kids at uni still reminisce about all the fun they had at sleepovers at primary school! So glad I didn’t smother them and allowed them fun at the houses of parents I trusted.

I knew the parents when it happened to me on a sleepover! I'd known them since I was 2!!!!

90% of child sexual abuse is by someone the victim knew......

I absolutely will not allow sleepovers. At all.
I had a bad experience myself on a sleepover as a child and I know of someone whose DC was tragically murdered on a sleepover by the host's ex-partner who broke in and killed them all.
Yes the latter is staggeringly unlikely but the former really isn't. It just wasn’t talked about in the 80s when it happened to me and still isn't talked about enough these days. Nope. It's not worth the risk and even though my DC has friends who I would trust utterly and without hesitation, it's easier to just stick to a blanket no sleepover rule. (easier for my Autistic child to understand).

I was a criminal defence solicitor for 20 years, I dealt with lots of sex offenders. It didn’t influence me at all in allowing sleepovers for my sons (and hosting them ) from age 6 going on 7. They were enormous fun, kids staying up very late, having midnight feasts and sliding down the stairs in sleeping bags, hiding the dog in their room etc etc Both boys retained these friends right through their school years and I was still getting up to find some of them asleep even in uni holidays. In my view sleepovers are very beneficial provided you know the other parents well.

Children are more likely to be SA in their own home, or by a relative or family friend. Statistically, children are safer from SA at a school friends house for a sleepover then they are at home/grandparents house.

Well...yes I do know that, not sure where I said she was staying with family either. The discussion was regarding sleepover at friends houses.
People choices regarding their own families are up to them. We only trust my mum, whose single.

Of course. But it’s detailing the thread a bit don’t you think? The risks this poster has pointed out still exist. For what it’s worth my children didn’t / don’t do sleepovers at anyone’s houses, and if they were police officers it wouldn’t change my stance. The thread isn’t about the police and the predators within the force, it’s about allowing young children to sleep at friends houses.