What age is appropriate for school friend sleepovers?

Following with interest. How do people reconcile given that sexual abuse is usually done by people that the victims know and that they are often threatened or ashamed so even though they know it's wrong are unlikely to tell. I was a victim at 16! It's interesting to see the thread where people are not ok with their 2yo showering naked at the pools (female changing rooms at that), yet ok with their young children having sleepovers. To me the latter seems much more risky.

@mathanxiety I'm trying to explain why people may be worried. I'm not saying it doesn't exist, just that some people feel they have more things to be worried about.

But clearly plenty of people still live the sort of life you believe no longer exists?

@Nataliaa I don't feel you need to defend yourself :) there are many things your DD can do besides going on a sleep over to gain confidence.
I never went on a sleep over, a bit of an alien concept in the very Asian country I grew up in. I only know of it as a western thing I watched on tv, it's perfectly fine to miss out on there are other ways in which people can grow up.

I think people's reaction reflect different concerns with this current generation - social media, ease of access to pornography, more adults with mental disorders, more blended families which means older DSC, more awareness of SA with people being more outspoken, the internet etc
it could really boil down to this being "just a different time with different societal concerns.
So the life you may have had then is different and not something believe people have any longer.

can’t speak for the other parents not allowing sleepovers at a young age, but for me personally, I allowed playing out at 9/10, along with walking to school with a friend at that age. Then from secondary, DD was catching the train to school, allowed into town with friends. DD involved in a few clubs, hobbies, been on school residential etc.

I would agree if parents really are doing that. Wrapping them in maybe too many layers of cotton wool. But I think it’s probably more a case of us all just having slightly different rules but still hopefully producing well rounded future adults. 😅

This 100%. Children don't develop skills and confidence by just getting older. They need to be exposed to experiences that allow them to develop those skills and that confidence.

It's incredibly sad that people are living in such fear of something that is very unlikely to ever happen that they are denying their children experiences and presumably the opportunity to develop skills from being somewhere without their parents. As I assume if you don't allow sleepovers you don't allow playing out. How the fuck have we got here in such a short time? Why are people
choosing to let fear and anxiety run their and their children's lives? And we wonder why mental health issues are prolific in the younger generation.

I mean it very genuinely.

Why have kids if you can't cope with normal every day life?

Why restrict your child's opportunities so much because of your own anxieties?

Why bother?

What's the point in life if you are going to stay in your house, never leave it, never interact with anyone, look at everything and everyone as too risky?

All your children are for are to validate you and not have their own experiences.

I honestly don’t understand how not going to sleepovers mean you’re not living your life or living in fear. Surely most decent parents have some rules regarding the safety of their children. Some parents on the estate I used to live on would let their children play out on the streets as young as 7. Other parents in the street didn’t allow that. Some kids were allowed out until 9pm, others had a 7pm curfew. Some walked to school in year 4 alone, others were year 6 or not until secondary. I’m sure you must have some rules that other parents disagree with and allow things you don’t. Do you really think the children not allowed to sleepovers under the age of 10 are not allowed to do anything at all and can’t gain independence without that experience ??

Why have a child at all? I mean the risk something bad might happen to them is so high, it's not worth the risk of them being harmed. Not having children is the best way to protect them from harm.

I mean this in all sincerity.

Why bother having kids if all you are going to do is worry about everything that might happen to a point that you stop actually living life out of fear?

I think that is because family members have more opportunity so statistically those with more opportunity are more likely to be perpetrators. If you give none family members opportunity through sleep overs you make the possibility more likely. Think about it. It’s not because of who these people are per se

My daughter had sleepovers from when she was 6 or 7, if I knew the parents reasonably well. I wouldn't have allowed mixed sex sleepovers from Year 5. I'm a bit surprised that some people don't let their children go to tea with their friends. When my daughter was in Reception and the first couple of terms of year 1, I usually went with her, and a couple of friends' mothers did the same when their children came to tea at our house.

I worry incase there was a fire.

Also the phone numbers stored multiple ways, is something else she learned from school in a PSHE lesson. It is just knowing different ways you can access emergency contacts without having to unlock phone, and knowing different ways to call the police if you can’t actually make a phone call. All quite useful stuff and one of the positives of modern technology.

The personal attack alarms were given out in a school assembly - they just attach to key ring or bag etc. hardly a terrible thing to arm a teen girl with. She isn’t scared to sleep out - she just prefers her own bed if she’s local to home anyway. But she has been away on school residentials with no issue whatsoever. A bit hard to come back to your own bed when you’re skiing in Italy 😂 having a safety app designed for young girls and women, knowing how to call for help and understanding what sexual abuse it (at 15) is hardly anything to mock or think is silly. Why would you think it is?

I would allow my 9 year old to sleep over at a friend's house but he's never once expressed an interest. He goes between me and his dad's house anyway so I wonder if that plays a part in the lack of appeal.

I'm secretly glad of it because if he had a wobble and I had to collect him at midnight I'd have to drag the 6 year old out of bed too.

From my experience of being a young person/teenager, I think being too restrictive over this kind of thing can lead to teenagers rebelling a bit and not being honest with their parents about where they are going. This means they are more likely to put themselves in risky situations, and are less likely to call their parents or ask for help if they know they are going to get into trouble.

So surprised to read this thread. Loved sleepovers at my best friends house early primary some of my happiest childhood memories.

Met brilliant families at dds primary and became firm friends with the parents we all had each other’s kids for sleepovers. Girls often reminisce on the fun they had. Such a shame to miss out on this.

Well he walks home from school at the same time as other children, and parents with smaller children, past neighbours. He could literally shout for help, or go back to school, or bang on a neighbour's door.
I feel he is safer without a phone for now.

You'd rather he didn't have access to a phone to call for help if something bad happened? I don't understand that.

Absolutely, mushypeas

Baffles me too. Why you would give a child a smartphone, allow them to sleep at a friend's, and then scoff at people who question these choices.
Mine walks home from school alone without a phone. I'd rather he work out what to do if faced with a problem, phoneless, than have the world wide web in his pocket at all times.

No, no, she's not anxious at all. Neither are you! ( personal attack alarm, too scared to stay over at friends house, parents numbers stored multiple ways, safety app). Totally normal 😳

@Jellybeanbag You haven't clarified about if your DC can go for a play at a friends house ( without you staying), I think that was most people were shocked about or was that not what you meant?

And the risk of children encountering unsavoury characters or harmful content via mobile phones is very high. And again most parents don't risk assess smartphones appropriately. I find it baffling.

I think as a society our risk assessments in relation to children are way off. It is very unlikely that anything will happen to a child walking to school yet most parents are very anxious about allowing it. The same parents often routinely permit sleepovers. Child sexual abuse is very very common. The figure of 1 in 9 is considered accurate.