What age is appropriate for school friend sleepovers?

For some.

It’s not universal to all cultures for example, as posters have attested on this thread, and it’s not actually necessary to normal social development.

I might think again by secondary (I might actually think again by late primary, never said otherwise) - but DH and I will make a judgement call on that just like every other parent does when it comes to this or any other parenting decision. My point was more how surprised I was by the responses on this thread that really can’t seem to understand why others may say no even if they themselves are happy to allow them.

I’m happy to allow my kid to eat haribo on occasion but can totally understand why others wouldn’t want to.

Because, notoriously, people either living with or perpetrating domestic violence are incredibly open about it, nobody ever hides it.

And the parents who allowed the horror films really didn’t seem the type either - whatever that type might be?

I’m not saying people are wrong for allowing sleepovers, I have literally no judgement about what other parents decide about that. I’m just so surprised that nobody can see why other parents may make a different choice, and seem to equate that with some kind of hysterical over-anxious parenting style when in reality we all make different judgement calls about stuff all the time. I can see both arguments and don’t see why others can’t, and are so insistent that anyone who doesn’t allow sleepovers is doing so for baseless reasons and rather than taking a considered decision based on what are actually real risks - as evidence and anecdotes/
experiences on this thread have shown.

And yes, my DD is 4. But I have children from babies up to teenagers in my immediate family, and I’ve worked with Early Years and primary age children for many years and spent a lot of time in safeguarding meetings. I’m prepared to accept that my stance on this might change as DD gets older, but my current feeling is informed by that too.

It’s not just about abuse; there’s all kinds of things that might go on in another family’s home that I might not be ok with. I went to a sleepover at 11 where we were allowed to watch 18 rated horror films, I was bloody traumatised but felt peer pressure to go along with it. By contrast, if the parents of the kids who used to sleep over at our house knew about the alcoholism and occasional DV I’m sure they wouldn’t have been so happy to allow them, but nobody bothered to check

God forbid you build up a relationship with the parents and have a good idea of their parenting style and whether this is remotely likely.

Nothing better than a house full of giggling girls staying up too late. I was always happy to host as were the parents of DT’s friends.

Round here there is a good community so we know the other families involved - it would have been viewed as quite unusual to totally not allow your Dd to have sleepovers with long established friends from late primary onwards. The dc would be pretty upset about it too.

Sleepovers for the girls have been a thing for years. We once accommodated 8 children in the loft room. The middle daughter has a sleepover at the end of September for her friend's birthday. I wasn't aware that it was a problem.

Disagree. Your Dd is inly 4. By late primary early secondary sleepovers are a big part of girls social lives.

Why bother having kids if all you are going to do is worry about everything that might happen to a point that you stop actually living life out of fear?

This is such a weirdly hyperbolic response. How does not going to sleepovers mean people/ children are not ‘living life’? It’s a relatively common childhood experience for some children in certain societies, it’s not some fundamental right of passage the denial of which means you’re living some kind of sheltered half life!

It's incredibly sad that people are living in such fear of something that is very unlikely to ever happen that they are denying their children experiences and presumably the opportunity to develop skills from being somewhere without their parents.

Well what are we classing as very unlikely? If you mean on balance it’s more unlikely to happen than not then yes I suppose so. But the risk of a child being sexually abused is not tiny - the NSPCC suggests around 1 in every 20 children has been sexually abused, and that’s just from cases that are reported. Over a third of police reported sexual offences are against children. And in the majority of cases it’s adults known to the child - now admittedly in many cases that will be family members, but not all. We know from personal stories on this thread that these things do happen at sleepovers, and I also know from personal experience.

Someone upthread used the ‘you might as well never fly again in case of terrorists’ analogy but to me, the risks of those two eventualities are orders of magnitude apart!

It’s not just about abuse; there’s all kinds of things that might go on in another family’s home that I might not be ok with. I went to a sleepover at 11 where we were allowed to watch 18 rated horror films, I was bloody traumatised but felt peer pressure to go along with it. By contrast, if the parents of the kids who used to sleep over at our house knew about the alcoholism and occasional DV I’m sure they wouldn’t have been so happy to allow them, but nobody bothered to check 🤷‍♀️

Like I said upthread, my DD is only 4 and whilst I’m leaning towards the idea that we won’t allow them during primary, if at all, the jury is still out and it’s a bridge we’ll cross at the time based on what info we have available. But I’m honestly baffled by those who equate not allowing sleepovers with locking their child in their rooms forever, forcing them to watch screens and nothing else, passing on anxiety and denying them any chance to develop normally. It’s a sleepover - it’s not a blanket ban on any socialisation whatsoever. DD has already experienced plenty of confidence building opportunities to develop social skills and resilience both with a parent there and without - and we’ll continue to encourage this in age appropriate ways as she grows, but I don’t feel like sleepovers are a particularly necessary part of that.

Very telling

I agree with this and it's what I was thinking too but you put it so much better than I could.

If all you have ever seen is the bad in this world, day in, day out, it stands to reason that someone is going to be more concerned than another parent who doesn't see those things. I don't think it's the reality of what most people are like though. Most people are fine, you just get the odd bad apple.

Abuse can happen anywhere, even in schools. We can't not let our children have these experiences.

Almost every post on Mumsnet is written and responded to through a white British lens, sometimes even when the OP even states they're abroad or from a different culture.

lol yeah, in my culture not even something people do. I'd only ever seen sleepovers on tv in American tv shows.

I don’t know why so many people are shocked that some people don’t allow sleepovers. Did most of you not grow up around people from other cultures? In many non-European cultures sleepovers are a no no. I don’t know the backgrounds of those saying it’s a straight no, but it really isn’t that shocking.

Understandable if they were raised in a different era. I wish my parents had had that conversation with me in the 90s, but I guess things relating to SA weren’t spoken about as much then. These days though, I hope more parents are having these conversations.

Are you trying to change my words for me because you cannot comprehend my stance? I don't care if people are 'shocked' (as you say therefore backing your own argument).

I do not need to clarify anything for you. You take the risks you feel are manageable for your DC and I'll carry on as I am.

This seems to have triggered many people.

The bottom line for me is this:-

SA is very common. Some studies say 1 in 4 children will experience it. It's most likely from people they know (not just family) and not strangers

I allow play dates and have unaccompanied from age 4. My children play out. They are highly sociable. Friends are important. But I draw the line at sleepovers. It's a valid stance given what I see at work and given the risks. Of course SA could occur during a normal paydatw but I choose 'not to live in fear' and sleepovers are my hard line. Nobody can persuade me a sleeping child is not inherently vulnerable.

I do not have anxiety. I am not afraid of life. Far from it! I was never allowed sleepovers as a child and many of my friends were. I still thrived and turned out well (I think!)

Let's not pit parents against one another. If I know a family allows sleepovers I don't spend a second thinking about their choice for their children. I certainly don't name call. We constantly tell our children that every family makes their own rules. I can't understand the defensiveness and rudeness towards other posters some are showing on this thread. What's this teaching our children?

And finally - something I rarely see mentioned. We don't allow sleepovers in our own home either because of the risk to my husband of a child making an allegation against him. Rare of course but it happens. I've send it through my work. My husband is not comfortable with that risk and I agree.

We allowed from about 9 or 10 years old.

I have noticed that people who work in the kind of jobs where they see the worst kind of family fall out often have a blanket ban.

I don't think either position is wrong. I think society has become too risk averse and I'd like to see children having more independence. But when you really know what the bad outcome could be and it's easy to prevent I can see why you'd just do that.

I actually don’t think “working for social services” makes your view more valuable. . That means you see the absolute worst cases not the thousands of times it’s fine and a normal positive part of childhood. If you took that view you would never get in a car or leave the house.

My BIL was anxious about dsis labour as an anaesthestist he only saw the births that went wrong he’d not often experienced perfectly normal natural childbirth so even though on paper he sounded more experienced than the layman he wasn’t.

No wonder this generation are anxious and addicted to screens. Very sad.

💯%

I work for social services and don't allow sleepovers. I think it's quite telling that anyone in a similar field on this thread also doesn't!

This is unbelievably sad. Your poor friend, to have her father do that, but then to have it compounded by her mother not protecting her. I hope she's okay.

Statistically it is true that you're child is more likely to be abused by a family member. It might be an unpleasant fact, but it remains a fact.

Anxiety disorders run in my family, and my older daughter showed signs of one from a very young age. I think it’s so sad that children who would normally be just fine are being made anxious by an overemphasis on avoiding danger. It’s not fun to live with, so if a child isn’t naturally inclined towards anxiety, I would hope people would be thankful for that and not push them into it.

I find this so sad. Play dates are such a big part of growing up - I have wonderful childhood memories of spending long summer days at my friend’s house on the farm, playing outside making dens, feeding the lambs etc.

DD used to have weekly play dates with one friend from the age of 3, one week we’d go to his house and the next he and his mum would come to ours. She would be 5 or 6 when she started going to her friends’ houses after school or for a day in the holidays and she’s got such happy memories of this. She’s had the same 3 best friends since they were 3, they’re now 14 and we know all the families really well. There’s one girl in her extended friend group whose parents I’ve never met despite them being friends for 6 years - this girl comes to ours a lot and has had sleepovers here but I wouldn’t allow DD to sleep there with me never having even set eyes on the parents.

We had DD’s friend to sleep over for the first time when they were 4, because her mum was taken into hospital and her dad wanted to be with her. That same friend slept over again at 5 for her parents to have a night away. DD never wanted to go to any sleepovers until she was 10, and since then, she and her friend group have had regular sleepovers - lots of them end up being at ours and some have been impromptu like if the girls have been over for the afternoon they’ve asked if it can be a sleepover and have then gone home to collect their stuff. We do have an open door policy for DD’s friends and our house seems to be the place they often gather. We have someone over for tea at least once a week. They’re 14 now.