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Original poster

Should I have grounded DD?

116 replies

didistutter56 · 07/09/2024 10:02

First week back to school this week, and by Friday morning DD (8) is saying she feels sick. It’s a fairly common occurrence in the mornings before school, I’ve always been someone who has some slight nausea in the mornings as well so the general rule has always been that unless there’s actual signs of illness, she has to try and make it into school. DD had stayed at her dads the night before so he let me know, I spoke to DD and she went into school.

By lunchtime I get a call off school saying she’s quite upset saying she still feels unwell, stomach ache, etc. Off I go to pick her up and she’s clearly okay once I’ve got her in the car. I’ve always thought DD is a highly sensitive person (as am I) very big emotions, struggles with loud noises, big crowds and what not. So I chat to her in the car about what’s wrong and after a while she says she’s feeling nervous and worried about her new teacher and being back in school, so we chat about that and how I understand it can be a big change but the only way to work through those feelings is to stay in school and you’ll settle in quicker. She understands but starts crying.

Once home she has her lunch whilst i finish off the work I had to do, and she spends a couple hours with my gardening. After tea I’ve allowed her to play out for a couple of hours.

Her dad dropped round to drop off something he forgot to pack in her bag, saw that she was out and then went ballistic at me on the phone later. How if she was at his house and she had “lied” about being unwell she would have been grounded, that she’s “playing me”, she’ll be pulling this sort of stuff all the time now because she knows she can get away with it and I’m letting her play out because I don’t want to have to deal with her.

I said back that I can’t prove she’s lying, I have no doubt she probably was feeling unwell for the reasons she said and I have no reason to doubt her. And that if I’m grounding her for feeling unwell at school, what’s going to be the punishment when she actually does something serious?

Admittedly I probably am a bit softer with DD, but her Dad shouts at her a lot about things that aren’t that big a deal IMO, if he thinks she’s messing about or even just this week he’s shouted at her in-front of me for taking too long to get in the car and blocking the pavement when people are trying to get past, and being “fussy” about what she wants in her packed lunch.

School have spoken to me about her attendance in previous years, it’s always around 93 or 94%, which they want to be higher, but with her last report she is doing better than the average expected standard in 8/12 of her subjects, and doing as expected in the other 4 and got a glowing report from her teacher.

id love to know how you would have handled this and whether it would be something you would have grounded your child for?

OP posts:
OneEightTwo · 07/09/2024 10:55

It’s hard isn’t it. I have two girls. My first instinct is always to make life as easy as I can for them but it’s not always that simple. I would love to be like “oh you don’t feel like school today? Let’s just have a lovely day together on the couch then!” “You don’t want to do school swimming? No problem I’ll write you a note”. I don’t want them stressed or anxious about anything and my instinct is always to take that away from them.

But you can’t do that. You can’t always just pander to it. They need to learn resilience and they have to be equipped to deal with situations that push them out of their comfort zone and that make them a bit anxious. My work can make me anxious sometimes. I don’t have the option of just saying “I don’t feel like it today”. If my mum had protected me from every single tiny stress and worry then I don’t think I’d be able to do that now (we are seeing this in a lot of our younger new recruits I must admit - they can’t seem to cope with anything vaguely stressful and will push back on it as much as they can - I don’t want my daughters to be like this).

My daughter hates a particular PE lesson. It would be so easy for me to just pull her out of it and say she doesn’t have to do it any more. But it wouldn’t be doing her any favours in the long run.

As tempting as it is, you can’t just shelter them from every bit of stress and anxiety because you’re supposed to be teaching them how to function and thrive in the world.

Idtotallybangdreamoftheendlessnotgonnalie · 07/09/2024 10:47

At that age anxiety does feel like "being unwell", she's not lying.

You need to get to the root cause of what's bugging her- sensory, social, routine, tiredness, teacher, whatever.

And yes to pp who said ND. Even if it's not an official, diagnosable SEN it might be that she needs the resources or compassion or toolkit for a while as she settles.

Going straight into shouting and grounding and calling her manipulative or whatever is utter bollocks and complete trash parenting imo. You're just kicking the can down the road for secondary, much better to learn how to support her and teach her how to thrive now.

ExtraOnions · 07/09/2024 10:43

didistutter56 · 07/09/2024 10:17

The year she really struggled in school was the year her teacher was head of SEN, so we spoke a lot about DD and the topic of ND obviously came up a lot and he said he had no concerns she might be.

Show quote history

They had “no concerns” about my daughter at primary .. other than being a bit anxious.

She’s 18 now, diagnosed with ASD at 17, 3 years of EBSA following reducing attendance, depression, CAMHS, threatening self-harm etc.

Girls present different to boys, and schools are not experts.

Not saying if your daughter is or isn’t .. but don’t just rely on schools opinion.

She’s not “choosing” her behaviour, it’s the only way she has of expressing her anxiety and controlling the situation. It’s important to give alternatives

Original poster
didistutter56 · 07/09/2024 10:42

Leafygreen84 · 07/09/2024 10:35

You are an absolute soft touch OP. Her attendance is appalling, it will become a real problem in secondary school when she’s falling behind. Which she will.

You and I clearly have very different standards on what’s “appalling” then. 94% is 12 days off a year, one percent higher is considered fine, and granted that for the last two years in a row I’ve had covid and as a single parent couldn’t take DD into school with no local family or anyone to help, so some of those days aren’t even her choice.

And as I said, considering her last report her effort was marked as excellent in all her subjects, and she’s working at a greater than expected level for her age in 8/12 subjects, it clearly isn’t affecting her intelligence. But yes, I must be a soft touch for considering the mental health of my child.

OP posts:
Antsinmypantsneedtodance · 07/09/2024 10:39

I personally don't think you did anything wrong.

Her sickness was clearly not physical but mental. Keeping her in would likely add to it. I would however had contacted the school and explained why she had felt unwell and arranged a chat with new teacher. I'd also have reiterated its back to school tomorrow and probably spent some time talking through those feelings and ways to cope with them.

You haven't caused future problems. You've reassured her she has a parent who she can open up to, who listens to her and respects her emotions and feelings and will help her. More important than anything imo.

ASpritzOfMyFavouritePerfume · 07/09/2024 10:38

FuzzyDiva · 07/09/2024 10:12

I’d be chatting to her school about whether she shows signs of autism to them. What you describe sounds fairly classic in a masking young girl.

That was my first thought too. It's exactly how my DD presented and was diagnosed with ASD when she was 12. It only really presents as anxiety (on the outside anyway).

user1471556818 · 07/09/2024 10:37

The chat was excellent as you can speak to the school and keep supporting your daughter. However off sick on a school day should be a boring as possible. It reads like she ended up having a lovely time with her mum then went out to play.All great so much better than school.
I would definitely rethink what's allowed if she is off sick .

YeahComeOnThen · 07/09/2024 10:36

sunsetsandboardwalks · 07/09/2024 10:28

She can be outside and get fresh air in her own garden, she doesn't need to go out and play with her friends to do that.

Show quote history

@sunsetsandboardwalks

how does punishing a child in THIS situation help?

Shes struggling with school, she's struggling with her Dad. Poor mite needs HELP, not punishment/consequences

rubeexcube · 07/09/2024 10:36

I’m not sure how the pp’s internet diagnosis with symptoms of being too overwhelmed to be around people, marries up with being allowed to play out with a load of mates on a Friday night.

Leafygreen84 · 07/09/2024 10:35

You are an absolute soft touch OP. Her attendance is appalling, it will become a real problem in secondary school when she’s falling behind. Which she will.

YeahComeOnThen · 07/09/2024 10:32

Motnight · 07/09/2024 10:27

Agree with this.

Show quote history

@sweeneytoddsrazor
@Motnight

How does that help in THIS situation?

she talked to her mum & is worried about school, she's 8, it probably was making her feel sick.

surely better for her to get some fresh air & destress, than being stuck inside. Poor wee thing needs help NOT 'consequences/punishment' because she's having big emotions she can't cope with.

shes not swinging the lead because she wants to go home.

GeneralUser · 07/09/2024 10:32

longdistanceclaraclara · 07/09/2024 10:27

Where is an 8yo going that you can ground them?

I took that to mean staying inside, but being allowed to play outside.

OP, she does sound ND. At the very least with sensory issues. You say you are sensitive too, maybe get a diagnosis for yourself too?

rubeexcube · 07/09/2024 10:31

I’m with your ex DH. No matter what else you’ve posted, absolutely no way should she have been allowed out to play that night. Particularly given the school has already flagged attendance as an issue.

jeaux90 · 07/09/2024 10:29

SEN in girls presents different OP. My DD wasn't really diagnosed with ASD and ADHD until she was 11. She struggles a lot with really noisy classes and busy school situations.

Speak with someone who knows more about how it presents in girls.

It's the main reason I put her in a small all girls school for secondary and she is thriving.

sunsetsandboardwalks · 07/09/2024 10:28

YeahComeOnThen · 07/09/2024 10:23

@BCBird

but they talked and she was feeling unwell due to nerves/stress - how does keeping her indoors help? Far better for her to play outside, get some fresh air & destress

Show quote history

She can be outside and get fresh air in her own garden, she doesn't need to go out and play with her friends to do that.

Motnight · 07/09/2024 10:27

sweeneytoddsrazor · 07/09/2024 10:06

My rule was if you aren't well enough for school you aren't well enough to go out.

Agree with this.

longdistanceclaraclara · 07/09/2024 10:27

Where is an 8yo going that you can ground them?

YeahComeOnThen · 07/09/2024 10:27

didistutter56 · 07/09/2024 10:17

The year she really struggled in school was the year her teacher was head of SEN, so we spoke a lot about DD and the topic of ND obviously came up a lot and he said he had no concerns she might be.

Show quote history

@didistutter56

id try again with someone who has more experience with girls. I'd put money on her having SEN & needing help.

Mumof2namechange · 07/09/2024 10:26

If school is making her nervous or anxious, you need to talk to the school about how to address that together, rather than just let her bunk off 10% of the time.

You will definitely see this escalate into secondary school and see an impact on her GCSE grades if you continue as you're doing.

Justanotherteacher · 07/09/2024 10:25

94% attendance is more than one afternoon off per fortnight.

YeahComeOnThen · 07/09/2024 10:25

JanefromLondon1 · 07/09/2024 10:17

NRTFT

In bed with a book OP if I suspect they're pulling the wool over my eyes. If I believe them I might allow TV. They don't often try for a non necessary day off because staying in bed with a book is boring!! No exciting food or treats either, toast and tea and plain digestive biscuits and water.

I've been doing this for decades though and can spot a shirker a mile off.

Maybe now you can get stricter, at least this time you got to the bottom of what's troubling her and can put things in place to manage the anxiety.

If you've been spoken to about non attendance before, it's important you take this seriously.

NRTFT

then maybe you should give that a go.

Original poster
didistutter56 · 07/09/2024 10:24

Beginningless · 07/09/2024 10:12

I think your partner sounds reactive and will introduce stress into a situation you’ve handled calmly and supportively. Although I tend to agree that in the circumstances it should have been a ‘boring day’ to avoid her thinking this is an option in future.

I’d not have called it grounding or made it into a big punishment for lying - this isn’t as clear cut as a lie as it sounds like she was genuinely struggling, she told you what she felt, but she’s not handled it appropriately, like you say she needs to stay in school even when feeling like this. Maybe worth seeing the teacher together to agree a strategy that she can use if feeling big emotions in school.

He’s EX-DP, that being one of the main reasons, he is extremely reactive. He does not know how to parent a sensitive child, everything I do is “you’re turning her soft” or “this is all your fault”, not considering for a moment that perhaps his outbursts and anger contribute towards her feeling anxious or worried because she doesn’t know what side of him she’ll get that day.

I do agree with you though, perhaps the natural consequence should have been that she had to stay inside for the day. I suppose because I knew she was feeling unwell because of her nervousness there didn’t seem like much point acting like she was actually unwell, but I understand others may not think the same. I’ll be talking to school about it on Monday and letting them know incase she says she’s feeling unwell again.

OP posts:
YeahComeOnThen · 07/09/2024 10:23

BCBird · 07/09/2024 10:14

If too ill to be in school too ill yo be outside

@BCBird

but they talked and she was feeling unwell due to nerves/stress - how does keeping her indoors help? Far better for her to play outside, get some fresh air & destress

poptake · 07/09/2024 10:20

Being allowed to go out and play is a big no no in my family on a sick day, absolutely wasn't allowed when I was growing up nor would I let mine. It's not "grounding" her, but if she was unwell enough to not be in school she shouldn't be out for the rest of the day, you tell her those are the rules when someone is sick, she could be contagious but essentially you are not rewarding it. You need to be much firmer.

usernother · 07/09/2024 10:18

Too sick to be in school. Too sick to be playing out. Even if they had made a recovery during the day. Those are the rules. That's not grounding, it's just what should happen if your child is off school. Her dad is right.

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