Should I have grounded DD?

Too ill for school- too ill to go and play

There's a middle ground between "yes play out" and "you're grounded for lying". I think you were 95% there with how you dealt with it, showing care and understanding. But the answer to playing out should have been no as she was sent home from school. That's a message she should hear loud and clear that coming home from school doesn't equal fun time.

I would not have punished a child for having anxiety. Anxiety is an illness

Anxiety is also a normal human emotion. It's normal (and even healthy) to be anxious about new situations - like a new school year, making new friends etc.

I say that as someone who is diagnosed with anxiety, by the way. There's a huge difference between feeling a bit anxious and having anxiety. A huge difference. If OP's daughter has anxiety (and she may well do) then she needs support to help her with that, but that doesn't necessarily mean being able to come home early from school and then going out to play with friends.

I would not have punished a child for having anxiety. Anxiety is an illness

Yes. Not to be confused with feelings of anxiety in new or stressful situations which are difficult to deal with but entirely normal. Kids need to learn the difference and learn how to cope with the normal side of anxiety. Only the OP knows which one it is more likely to be, in this case.

we don’t need to label everything.

It's tricky, but whether her feeling sick is physical or psychological it's still real to her. I wouldn't punish a child because they're unwell regardless of the root cause.

I'd speak to school and agree a plan if this happens again. If she says she feels sick but with no other physical symptoms then they could try and give her quiet time, tell her they will check back in 15 minutes, a phone call directly with you so she can speak to you etc etc. Sounds like the cause is anxiety.

Your ex husband is an extra cause for anxiety. Can you suggest less or no contact for a could of weeks whilst she is settling in the new school year?

what would have been the afternoon subjects ? Could that have been the final straw for her? Was it P.E? A group activity or drama ? Something where she would have felt exposed performing in front of the class.

I would not have punished a child for having anxiety. Anxiety is an illness

I think there is quite a lot going on here. Your daughter sounds like she maybe suffering from anxiety. It’s normal to be nervous in new classroom/ surroundings. It’s common for children to complain of abdo pain as a physical symptom of anxiety. I don’t think she is deliberately conning you to get out of school.
Her father sounds like an intolerant shit. Shouting at her and you. That can’t be helping her anxiety. He has no right to talk to either of you in that manner. I would be addressing him regarding his attitude.
I would also talk to the school about support for your daughter before anxiety gets a real grip and spirals into other areas of her life. I would ask for a review from the schools SENCO. Hope that helps.

You're both wrong tbh.
I think you're right to be sympathetic and talk to your DD about feeling anxious etc, and anxiety in children does often cause genuine stomach upset so it's not right to say she's lying about not feeling well.
It's also hard to refuse to pick your child up when school call you to come and get them.
But I wouldn't have let her out to play either because she has to learn if she's not well enough for school she's not well enough to be out playing.
What you should be doing is working with the school to improve her attendance, so making them aware and asking them to wait a few hours and see how she is before calling you. Maybe there are other things they could do to help too like letting her sit somewhere quiet for a little while if she's feeling overwhelmed

Sick is sick. DD must understand this. Resting, in bed, not spreading germs to others.

Feedback from others can be helpful. You might not see her manipulating- but others might. You seem to be seeing a lot of your own feelings in her which could be shaping your own reactions to her “illness”. Try seeing her as a person who needs feedback guidance & needs to attend school. Be clear about what illness is, and difference to stress that needs coping strategies to conquer. (And not avoidance)

Take a step back and perhaps be more firm with your definition of sick, and how to treat “illness”. Be sure DD knows the rules - like come home sick, 24/48 hours of confinement so others don’t get her illness and she can recuperate.
Not to be confusing illness with avoidance of something stressful or unpleasant which at primary can’t be that bad that it requires leaving school & the disruption that causes.

Grounding and punishment is overkill but she should not be allowed out with friends nor should school be optional. Nip school refusal in the bud. One day she will need to pass her GCSEs and she can’t do that with a huge catalogue of unnecessary absence.

Her father is causing her anxiety.

I agree with this. It comes from the nervous system, the child feels unsafe. She might be perfectly safe but that's how she feels. People saying to force her in are clueless. That will just teach her to hide her emotions and put herself last. Your ex needs to be a better parent. He sounds like he's too angry.

And mine, no phone no Xbox nothing.

She shouldn’t have been grounded (which is a punishment) but she shouldn’t have been let out to play either.

The rule is, is that if you are off school poorly, then you can’t go out and play with your friends later on.

It should not be seen as a punishment and should be purely because she was unwell.

You don’t know that her illness isn’t related to a stomach bug and it’s irresponsible to let her mix with friends if she’s too unwell for school.

As a parent of a child with anxiety (who gets physically sick when anxious which makes her more anxious) I feel your pain.

You need to make sure that if you think it’s anxiety related, that you don’t make it too fun to be at home.
I would make my DD do school work and not go out in the evenings.

I would never be annoyed with her but I’d let her know she’s not coming home just to play.

You need to be careful you don’t make a rod for your own back.

I would speak to the school about her anxiety.
I would try and get her to go in every morning and drag it out longer and longer until you pick her up.

I would say to my DD to let me know how she’s feels at morning break, then eventually lunchtime and then eventually afternoon break.
I would then start saying you only have a couple of hours left and by the time I get there there will be no point etc.

I noticed that once she got over the initial panic, she actually started enjoying herself.
And then it was easier to go in the next day.

Picking her up at the height of anxiety made it more difficult for her to go in the next day.

And that if I’m grounding her for feeling unwell at school, what’s going to be the punishment when she actually does something serious? I’m with you on this. I wouldn’t have let her play out, but I would have framed it as a consequence not a punishment, and not sent her to her room or banned screens or anything like that. I was always conscious that I had till puberty to establish that I was on their side, so that they obeyed me because they wanted to, not because I was forcing them to (which isn’t viable with teenage boys). They've both turned into decent young men. So, consequences not punishments, no unnecessary shouting, and good role modelling from parents.

But other parents do it differently. I know decent young men brought up by shouty punitive parents.

All of this!

Yes, this struck me too.
I didn't know I was autistic until I was in my 60s but the DD in this thread reminds me of me as a schoolgirl.

I think what you did was fine. You established that the nausea she was feeling was due to anxiety, talked about how to overcome it and carried on with your day. Playing out in the evening wears fine. Keep talking about how to manage anxiety/worries and ways to help but I think continuing the day as normal is fine, if that usually includes playing out then fine. Otherwise you’d be effectively punishing her for being anxious.

Your ex sounds like a dick. In time your DD will want to spend less time with him and she begins to see that for herself.

I had a similar issue last year with my daughter and was missing school feeling sick but eating loads and then wanting out. It turns out she had anxiety as she was being badly bullied, and didn't wanna tell me because apparently I'm a 'psycho' once I had informed the school (after being on my back about attendance) it was like a sigh of relief for her. As I don't know what was going on I had the to unwell for school to unwell to go out. Some children take time to adjust xxxx

OP your daughter clearly finds school a challenge and is struggling with it, so I don’t think she should be punished as such. However, the ultimate aim is for her to attend school except when she is genuinely ill, so you don't want days off school to be too appealing.

It sounds like she had a lovely time yesterday - felt a bit nervous at school so told teacher she felt unwell, mum was called, nice chat with mum, taken home, time in garden with mum, then out playing. What’s not to like?! The danger is that each time she feels slightly uncomfortable at school, she’ll remember how nice it is to be at home with Mum.

I think you’re going to have to be a bit firmer, because otherwise this could end up happening more and more.

I mean you can't 100% say that with such certainty that she WILL fall behind

I had a lot of sickness due to health issues so 89% attendance. No harm done, good GCSEs, went to uni etc etc. Was never behind at any point

I would have found a middle ground.

Not really sick but anxious. Can watch TV and have 1:1 time but no playing out.

Genuinely actually vomiting - no going out for 48 hours.

I wouldn't have allowed playing out with friends. I wouldn't have phrased it as a punishment or consequence. I would have just said she's been so overwhelmed it's made her feel unwell and so she needs quiet time to recover.

It's hard to deal with big feelings. But she needs to learn to save some reserves for doing that.