Should I have grounded DD?

Sorry - I was referring to the posters saying it was a punishment to keep a child at home if they're too sick for school.

Unwell at school equals to unwell to garden or anything else fun.

I think you mostly handled it well, you got to the bottom of what the issue was and she trusted you enough to explain.

But I wouldn't have agreed to her going out to play. I would have said that as she had to leave school, then it's not appropriate to play out.

You can be fair, but still have expectations.

And attitudes like that is why Camhs are busting at the seams. This is an 8 year old little girl who was righly sent home struggling with her mental health. Your response would be to remove pleasure, her chance to socialise appropriately and to further cause her mental health to decline.

Sorry, I agree with him. Too sick to be at school is too sick to play out.

My daughter is very similar. Diagnosed with selective mutism and anxiety and currently perusing a neurodiversity evaluation on the recommendation of our GP. She masks 'hard' all day so school never see the struggles we see at home.

I think you need to work with the school to get the guidance teacher / wellbeing person / whatever linked in so that she can help with some options to keep her in school. Do they have a nurture room or similar? Can she step into the hallway if she needs to? There are lots of accommodations that are possible once you get the right supports in place.

One of my daughter's many anxieties is missing school so she'd never come home - in some ways I think it's lovely that your daughter was actually able to reach out to you. But if she did need to get me one day, I wouldn't 'punish' or restrict her at all after we worked together to come up with a better plan for next time. Mental health is tricky and preteen girls are susceptible to all sorts of challenges so I'd never want to punish my child for not being able to do something because her brain just isn't working for her that day. I do think it's worth a think about if a quiet afternoon at home would be more productive than running around outside, but my daughter thrives outside so it could be a great option for her after an awful day.

"Grounding" a child for lying is a punishment. Her ex thought the child should be punished because he interpreted her actions as lying and manipulation. From the OP's posts, I don't think the child lied, it seems she was genuinely unwell due to anxiety.

Op your dd had very real physical symptoms as a results of anxiety. You 100% did the right thing letting her play out. Never punish a child for poor mental health.

would say to an adult who was off work for mental health issues they should never leave the house to do anything enjoyable?

If my children are off school or been sent home I never let them play out or go to a club that evening. While they may well have a good reason for not being at school it’s easy for them to see it as an easy option if there is no consequences. It does sound like your daughter feeling of sickness is caused by anxiety and genuine at the time, you need to help her deal with and understand how she is feeling. Don’t let missing school be an easy option.

I think you dealt with the situation very well. I can't imagining punishing a child in these circumstances.

It's not a punishment to say that you can't go out with your friends if you don't feel well enough to go to school, is it?

I think you dealt with the situation very well. I can't imagining punishing a child in these circumstances. She didn't lie to you, she was genuinely feeling unwell. The root cause of that seems to be nerves, but that doesn't mean she invented the pain.

Your ex sounds dreadful. Shouting at a child is never acceptable. He probably thinks he's a better parent than you are, but he is just an old-fashioned disciplinarian. Authoritarian parents are damaging to children, just as overly permissive parents are. It sounds to me as though your approach is in the sweet spot between these extremes: authoritative (not authoritarian) and understanding.

It’s not really “grounding” her is it? It’s more like a natural consequence: if you are too sick to go to/stay in school the whole day, you are too sick to play out with your friends. That’s standard with my kids. They don’t even bother arguing that it’s unreasonable of me anymore.

Where did you get the idea that school funding is affected by attendance? Schools are harassed by the DfE and Ofsted if attendance is lower than target but they aren't given less money!

You need to ensure your DD understands that bunking off school isn't an option together with working with school to agree mutual approaches to improving her attendance.

This should include - on your part - showing her that staying at home isn't "rewarded" and that going into school is better than being bored at home. If you don't make home boring, she WILL play the 'not well' card again. And again.

@didistutter56 The national average of attendance includes children that frequently spend time in hospital or have to take days off for medical appointments that they can't avoid.

94% isn't good attendance for a child that isn't unwell.

Schools haven't been back long and she's already come home sick but been allowed to go out and play with her friends. Not being allowed out as a consequence would have given her an opportunity to deal with emotions she didn't like.

I'm not sure why so many people are equating not being able to play out with being punished.

It's totally okay to say to a child that they can't go out to play after school because they struggled and need some down time instead.

I've not read the full thread. Sounds like anxiety which I would consider a genuine illness. You can't punish her for that. But equally you can't not do anything you need to be speaking to the school and working out how to help dd feel better about attending.

I was similar to your dd. Turned out I was autistic. I was punished for slicing school as my parents saw it when I had debilitating anxiety. Eventually I suffered burn out completely unable to attend school for over a year and had a few suicide attempts.

My own dd is the same. I think she's autistic too although undiagnosed. When she's got tummy ache and wants out of school I let her stay home. I insist she did work at home and I wouldn't have let her go out as I do agree it could easily be taken advantage off. I spoke to school and they did agree she's probably autistic but she's academically doing well and well behaved and they just don't have anything they can do to support her. So now I home educate. She's had a complete personality change as school was doing so much damage to her. She's confident with others and sociable where she never was when at school.

I know people always say have you considered neurodiversity and it's said too much. Regardless I think it's clear your dd has anxiety and that needs support not just penalties for her struggles

@LoremIpsumCici if the situation was being handled perfectly the daughter's attendance wouldn't be as low as it is, it is far from "perfect" that she is missing out on so much education, whatever the cause. Something isn't going well here.

I think you handled the situation perfectly OP. You discovered that anxiety was making her feel physically ill - nausea and stomach aches are very commonly caused by anxiety. This is more serious than merely feeling anxious.

You then reassured her, took her home and ensured she did relaxing activities to destress and reduce her anxiety levels.

The posters advising that she should have been made to stay indoors or in bed with a book, no TV, no garden, no being with mum and not allowed to see friends are basing their advice on physical illness, not a mental condition like anxiety. Following this advice for anxiety won’t help it and can even cause it to worsen as the sufferer will start to obsess over the school day, what they think went wrong, feel guilt over their being unable to cope, then start obsessing on tomorrow and how it will be awful tomorrow in school- they will work themselves up into higher levels of distress and anxiety which will often lead to school refusal or a repeat of coming home early again.

I think it’s good you have contacted the school because they need to be part of the solution to alleviating her anxiety in school.

I agree, too ill to be in school then too ill to be doing fun stuff. This will turn out to be the adult who is signed off sick but going around town and holidays.

If she is nervous about going to school then speaking to her and reassuring her about her fears would be the way to go. Don't let her learn that she has an option to not go to school whenever she feels like this.

What the OP describes is a child that is used to getting her own way.

She might well have been emotional and disruptive but we don't need to protect our children from learning how to manage big feelings. It's a normal part of growing up.

I'm inclined to say that once I had her home I'd have kept her there. And if I knew she wasn't ill, I would have let her carry on as normal. However, I would have been clear that i eould be talking to school about her concerns and really really crystal clear that it was a one off and that I am choosing to cut her some slack on this occasion and it won't be a recurrent theme.

Imo her attendance needs to increase as well or you will end up on a slippery slope to school avoidance.

I wouldn’t have allowed her to play out. If you come home from school early because your unwell your not well enough to play out. Even given the reasons she gave I still wouldn’t have allowed her to play out.

Personally I think you’re handling it just right. Support her and she’ll likely grow in confidence knowing she can fully trust you to have her back on issues she faces.