To be worried about 3yr olds new dad

I wouldn’t blame the BF OP. Your friend is a grown woman and is making her own choices. The BF has his reasons for not wanting any more kids, so it’s not necessarily a red flag for coercive behaviour.

What is a red flag IMO is her moving him in knowing that he doesn’t want anything to do with the child. Her DD is going to spend her life playing second fiddle with this man for her mum’s affections, and even her time. I would approach things from that angle with your friend. Tell her what you’ve observed - including the fact that the nanny is in loco parentis far more than normal, and the child appears needy and misses her mum.

l would struggle not to say anything at all OP, and in your shoes l think l would be prepared to risk losing the friendship by voicing my opinion that she’s putting herself before the child she so desperately wanted, and that given the situation, you find her texts about the joys of being ‘child free’, selfish in the extreme.

I would point out the pitfalls of moving in with a man who has no interest in your child and prioritises time spent alone with you, and l would be blunt in the fact that it’s going to damage the child as she gets older and realises she’s so unimportant in her mums’ life. And that there’s a good chance that when she’s old enough to fully appreciate the situation she’ll end up hating her.

lf that is enough to end the friendship then so be it - for myself l don’t think l could watch future mental health problems for this child unfolding in front of me and still be friends with the mother.

This is awful, I would really struggle with it. It doesn’t matter how ‘swept of her feet’ she is, her dc should be her priority. I would have to mention the hugs the child has asked for to her. It is wrong and I would be prepared to lose a friend over such behaviour. And yes, he is lovebombing her.

I know I'll get flamed for this here but one could say the decision to pay to deliberately bring a child into this world with only one known parent was a pretty selfish one to start off with.

Poor child is going to have his heart broken when the nanny leaves

Your friend was so desperate for a child that she decided to have one without being an a relationship with a partner.

It reminds me very much of a child wanting a toy, playing with it non stop, then getting bored and moving on to the next one. Except this is a person, not a toy to be discarded when you’ve had enough.

Yes, the child has been left with a nanny, but the nanny has had enough and what will happen when she leaves. It sounds as though your friend now prefers a child free life, with someone who has no interest in being a parent to a small child. Poor child!

She’s child protection and a social worker. We weren’t given her qualifications.

Sounds like it’s highlighted something in this woman. She used a donor to have her, presumably, longed for child. She didn’t have a long term partner to have a child with. Likely a source of insecurity for her. A man has come along and showed her attention and demanded her time and she’s dropped her child like a flaming bag of shit to please this man. Her insecurity and apparent ‘need’ for a man has really failed her child here. She has failed her child.

Really, really depressing.

The nanny is exhausted and told me at the park yesterday that she’s ready to find a new job. Not because she doesn’t like the child, but she’s working 24/7 and has been for the past year.

How is she 'exhausted' when she is looking after a child?

Your friend is not doing any of her own childcare? At all?

The bkane lies with the mother, not the boyfriend. She needs to prioritise her child, not her love life. I think I'd have to have quiet word with her. Probably won't make any difference though

The parents being absent through work was raised in a training session at school this week. The woman delivering the training said it’s fine for parents to rarely see the dc due to this. We had a discussion after this about students we know rarely see parents due to work and absolutely disagreed. To me, it’s on a par with neglect.

I don’t know if your relationship with your friend is strong enough for her to hear criticism/concerns from you but I would lack respect for someone who’s chosen to be absent for non-essential reasons at a critical time and I’d be very worried that the new dp has said he’s not interested in looking after a 3 year old yet is moving in.

While I understand the sentiment behind some posters saying it's "neglect", legally it isn't. The child has been left in the care of a competent professional - their basic needs are all being met. (Or at least as far as we can tell - OP doesn't mention the nanny being incompetent, neglectful or cruel).

In my experience, in the sort of circles where people can afford this level or childcare, this situation is not at all unusual. (I don't mean to imply that ALL rich people would happily not see their child for days. But this is by no means a unique occurrence). Sometimes the reasons might be parents' work, and maybe that feels more acceptable somehow? Not sure about that.....

If the child was with their other parent, I don't think this situation would worry me. When parents are split it's not that unusual for one or both to have the odd childfree holiday with their new partner.....

What I am trying to say is, on a welfare level it's probably fine, and certainly not something SS could act on, though I agree it does sound rather cold and unkind, especially when the child is so little.

I don't think there is much point you saying anything OP - it's not like your friend won't have noticed what she is doing. She knows and has decided to do it, for whatever reason .

She’s putting dick before daughter.

This summarizes it pretty accurately.

This is wholly on mum, tbh. New man can suggest long haul foreign holidays all he likes, your friend could, and should, have said: no way. The fact she's gone ahead with the holiday and is posting about the joys of child free travel would give me the ick.

Yes, she does. Escaping isn't the answer and she's doing her apparently much wanted child a disservice but if you're affected by mental health issues you don't necessarily think clearly or logically and it could be a coping mechanism for a bigger problem she doesn't know how to manage. That's great you managed to be present for your kids but that's not to say others are able and maybe she needs support to get there.

Or maybe she's just more interested in her new partner? Who knows?! I was only suggesting that maybe there's more to it than being swept up in a new romance.

But the school might. And things like this could go on file, and probably should, this is neglect by all means.

OP, I would be letting the school safeguarding team know 100%.

Yanbu I’d perhaps just be factual about it when telling friend. Maybe say how much the child missed her etc. but wouldn’t say anything about the nanny that’s not your place.

I agree this is all on the mum. She's behaving reprehensibly. Perhaps the reality of her longed for child isn't living up to the fantasy she had. The poor child.

This is a friendship that will fade away I think

Why have you titled this thread in the way you have, OP? The man is your friend’s boyfriend, not her son’s new dad, evidently!

I’m torn between suggesting keeping quiet and still being there for the child when things get harder (sounds like they will) and at least raising a few things with your friend.

I think I would let her know how much the child missed her and wanted affection, but keep it factual, without judgement. Perhaps I would even gently raise how tired and stressed the nanny looked and how lucky she is to have a nanny like that as most (all?) others wouldn’t have stepped up like that - lots of comments about “she’s worth keeping hold of / keeping her happy etc” as you’d be lost without her etc

it might not make a difference but if the nanny does quit and the friend finds out she has spoken to you she will likely be pissed off with you anyway.

i know that doesn’t help with the bigger question of the relationship but at least you’ve given a gentle heads up to your friend - maybe she’ll hear it, maybe not

The problem is your friend, not her new man. I’d tell her how much her child missed her while she was away. See how things go, but if you feel the child is suffering in any way, you might have to say so though I doubt if it would go down well.

Sometimes saying something is worth losing the relationship over. If you say something, your relationship is likely to change. But I think it is worth saying something. Maybe it will stick with her and she'll realise she's acting poorly.

Two pronged approaches here. The nanny needs to discuss the contractual breaches and work environment.

You need to bring up your concerns as a friend.

I speak from experience here as a lone parent who had a live in nanny for 10 years (the same one as I'm a good employer)

I used to travel for work a lot which is why I had a nanny but I never ever missed any milestone or school event.

I would be raising her priorities and also her boundaries as the issue here. Letting this man move in is a far from sensible as it gets.

It's fine for parents to have time out, but it's quite another to prioritise a man over your child.

It's entirely her decision to do this. She sounds really selfish.

Also, that man is not the kid's dad. Please don't refer to him as the dad to the child. They're going to be messed up enough with a mother like that without adding random people to the family tree that are not family in any way.

Did your bf have ivf aline or was she with a partner at the time?

I'd be worried that your friend is moving in a man who doesn't want to be a father again. What is going to happen to the child in that household? Is she going to put the child first if her partner just views him as a nuisance?