To be worried about 3yr olds new dad

I would hold back saying anything for now.

It looks likely that's she's soon going to get a big dose of reality when her nanny hands in her notice. If she moans to you about this then I would have to say that her small daughter has to come first.

Yes, it will almost certainly damage your friendship.

There are few instances when I would say something but I think I would in this case. I can't see how being in a relationship with someone who is not interested in your child (while living with them) is not going to then damage your child. Emotional damage in childhood can last a lifetime. If I was single then I would only be interested in a relationship with someone who was interested in the 'whole package' and genuinely loved my children. I listen to the 'Miss Me' podcast with Lily Allen and Miquita Oliver. One of the episodes featured Lily's husband David Harbour and he spoke about how much he loved Lily's kids. I think once you have kids then their emotional needs need to come first. Unfortunately, some adults struggle to do that and I have seen it with children I know and it is so heartbreaking.

Rejection is a very toxic experience for children.

Mum should have employed a second nanny to help during her holiday.

I wouldn’t be able to have any respect for a woman like this friend or not. I probably wouldn’t even do her the courtesy of a conversation because the sad fact of the matter is if she can’t even prioritise her own child then you will have absolutely zero chance of your opinion getting a look in. I’d be tempted to just link her to this thread so she can have a read for herself.

12 nights over the first days of pre school (quite honestly any year of school) for a man is a no.

12 nights of for work, would be different. But she’s absolutely putting getting dick over her child and that’s disgusting.

I wouldn’t care how rich someone was, if they were taking me on, they’re taking on my DD as well. I wouldn’t be with someone who decided they wouldn’t have much to do with my DD. Thank god I’m married!

Same situation here. Regularly left with random and elderly relatives (not grandparents) for several weeks at a time and from a young age while my parents had holidays abroad
And now that my mum is a widow and wants my company I find i often have to dig very very deep to want to adjust my life for her
I have a sibling and this was the only thing that made it even remotely bearable - so for this little girl I suspect it’s even worse. I imagine this is something she will always remember and it will no doubt affect her future relationship with her mum

It is difficult to know what you should do OP but maybe quoting my story and that of bedtime91 (above) as “something you’ve read recently” might persuade your friend to give her head a wobble

This makes me so sad. That poor little angel. 12 days is too much, especially as it sounds like the dad is not in her life? What about grand parents?
I think I'd message your friend and be honest - say the little girl seems really sad and the nanny seems overwhelmed. I would offer to take her for a couple of days and spoil her. Make sure she feels loved. It's not your responsibility but it would be a good thing to do if you can. I would definitely not rock the boat too much because I would want to keep an eye out for the girl but in a gentle way I would try to let the mum know the impact of her decision.

If she's said "To be worried about friend's new partner" people might just have told her to butt out and mind her own business.

Although I think the title of your thread is wrong "To be worried about 3yr olds new dad"

Why would you word it as "new dad" when it's clearly not true. Strange terminology

I wouldn't be acknowledging the messages she sends and I would speak to her on her return she is making poor choices.

Seems to happen a lot. I spotted one ‘single mum by choice’ on Instagram, the type who makes her chronic condition her entire personality. She met a new guy recently and has now been describing him as her daughter’s stepdad. Such poor judgement. It baffles me.

What is she usually like as a mother? It seems very odd that she wanted a child so much that she went the route of IVF and a sperm donor to then just leave her child for a holiday with a new boyfriend…

No, all it points to is that she had enough money to pay for IVF so that she could have the baby she wanted. She’s clearly wealthy if she has a nanny as well. A lot of rich people will acquire children through IVF or surrogacy and then palm them off on childcare workers so they don’t get in the way of them living their best lives. It’s not the case in every scenario either but sometimes there’s an entitlement that I want a baby so I will pay for one but little regard is given to issues such as how the child will feel growing up as a product of donor conception or surrogacy. This sounds like the kind of woman who shouldn’t have been a mum - anyone leaving a 3yo with a nanny for a 12 day holiday is a truly shit parent.

Worse still, he has two failed relationships and is a father himself in both of them. His attitude towards OP’s child, and wanting ‘alone time’ with her makes me suspect he bailed on the other relationships when children arrived on the scene. If so, makes it all the more worrying that he’s prepared to move in with someone whose child isn’t even his.

This sounds awful and she sounds like the sort of person who can’t put her child’s needs above her own. Major red flags here but mainly from her inability to put her child first. He doesn’t sound good though. Why the hell is someone who doesn’t want to be a father moving in with a mum of a toddler? I can see it going badly wrong and sadly this child doesn’t even have another parent who could step in - their mum is literally everything.

The man doesn't want to be a father again but is moving in with a woman who has a 3-year old...how is that going to work?
Any parent who leaves their child voluntarily with a nanny, for the sake a fun trip, for 12 NIGHTS is a terrible parent in my book. I'm not one normally for criticising the choices of other parents, but this has really upset me.

Exactly. I get the impression that OP’s friend sees her daughter as property, bought and paid for. Hence the belief that she has the right to be ‘child free’ whenever she feels like it, and palm her daughter off to bought in care while she indulges herself.

She's not going to win a parent of the year award but its not neglect or the business of social services FGS 😳

Would I go on a 12 day holiday without my kids? Yes I have done. This is an issue that regularly divides MN. There's no right or wrong. It's different opinions.

Would I go during the first week of pre-school? No I wouldn't. That's a bit shit. It's not neglect. Total hyperbole to suggest it is.

I do think OP should raise concerns with mum. But I don't imagine it will be well received and the new partner sounds like a dick. Unfortunately many people make bad relationship choices. Again none of social services business.

Mum seems to be doing just fine with it. She’s an adult, she has agency. Her child doesn’t.

Not really the main point of your post, but we have to stop believing that people who pay huge sums of money for their children automatically want what's best for them.

I don’t get why the OP’s friend doesn’t see this guy as a giant red flag in himself, from the point of view of two failed relationships, both with kids, no interest in her own child but he’s still happy to move in with her. The pattern is there for all to see. He wants all of the fun with none of the responsibility, and she’s happy to facilitate that at the expense of her ‘much wanted’ daughter. He’s the common denominator in the past failed relationships and l would be interested to know if he’s walked when children have arrived on the scene. If so it seems really odd that he’s moving in with someone whose child isn’t even his.

In your shoes I wouldn't say anything and I'd keep them close for now. See how things progress after he's moved in.

I'm not sure you have any control over this situation? Probably the most impact you can have is to make sure the mum knows that you would support her if she wanted/needed to leave him at any point.

If you have genuine concerns for the wellbeing of the child, then you must report to the preschool. Safeguarding is everyone's responsibility.

I’m sorry but the ‘child free’ comments would drive me nuts and I’d probably reply with a (diplomat but passive agressive) comment that reminds her about her child being here and how she must miss her

Well for one thing he isn't the "new dad" as it seems he has little to do with the child. It the Mum I'd be worried about.

She couldn't find or keep a man so had a child via a sperm donor so that she's not alone and when a man does come along, the child is dropped like a hot potato.

It would be different if she met a man who was willing to embrace the child but this one doesn't and if he's moving in that child is going to be the brunt of his resentment and the cowardly 'mother' will no doubt take his side in condemning the child as being a nuisance.

It doesn't look good and personally I would drop the friendship.