To be worried about 3yr olds new dad

So essentially what we have is a rich woman who paid to become a single mother, is now paying someone to raise her child so she can swan off on lengthy holidays with a man who has made it clear he doesn't want much to do with her child, and the only time she spends with her child is for 3 dinners a week, a Sunday and SOME Saturday afternoons.... yeah I'd be gone way past biting my tongue at this stage! Hope your friend is saving for the counselling sessions her child will need in the future!

I voted YANBU but frankly having read all your posts I reckon it is pointless . Makes you wonder why this woman bothered to have a child when she spends so little time actually looking after her . I feel really sorry for the child because she is never going to get the parental attention that she deserves . I would still speak to the mother because I’d be happy to fall out with her as this is not someone I could be friends with .

I doubt her partner would propose to have such a long trip away if he didn’t believe she’d be onboard. I can’t even imagine my Husband suggesting such a long time away from our kids as he knows it would be a hard NO! Poor kid, first day of preschool without her Mum there to kiss goodbye/hello and ask about her day. OP, has your friend expressed she feels bad about this? I’d definitely want to keep an eye on the child but I don’t think I could hold my tongue entirely.

There's a difference between not attending the school with the child to settle them in and not being present in the house at all during that period. Especially as she's the sole parent so the child has only the nanny there for comfort.

Starting school is a big deal for a child and anyone on here that thinks that the mothers behaviour is reasonable won't be winning any parent of the year awards, that's for sure!

Op I'm really sorry but you are describing neglect. You can be such abd neglect your child. Emotional neglect is a thing. I used to work in a very affluent area and neglect by wealthy patents was happening. Two of my firmer students are now in prison because of doing drugs, one is a son of a lawyer abd the other if an artist. Won't even count the amount of kids screwed up mentally by absent parents. Neither of those two boys lacked anything materially. A nanny should not be a single parent to a 4yo. Please please please 🙏 report this.

I think I'd have to ask something along the lines of 'didn't he realise DC was starting pre school on x date when he booked the holiday' and see what the reaction was.

Does the child know why she hasn't got her own dad? Talk of a new dad could be confusing to her.

the child is referring to the move and the man as “moving in with my new dad”
Presumably this is how the mother has explained it to the child. Which means that we have a man who's made it very clear he does not want to be a father and doesn't want anything to do with the child and she is referring to this man as 'your new dad'.

I would talk to the mom for sure. She had no dad, an absent mom, and her main parental figure is going to quit. That the nanny mentioned it to sounds like she could use some back up.

At least tell her that her daughter has been counting the days until she gets back and how damaging feeling unwanted is. I don't know why she's talking about the jits of being child free when she has so much time away anyway.

OP made it clear that the friend underwent IVF with donated sperm.

I probably shouldn't ask this, but didn't your friend have a partner when she underwent IVF?

Or was she on her own then?

Yes it's quite likely he'll want the child to go to boarding school at some point.

Already the friend has chosen the bf over her child re the holiday but once he moves in there will be a continual competition between this man’s desires and the needs of the child. The friend will feel like piggy in the middle and if she has any regard for her child, feel torn. This will lead to discord between the adults which will be abusive to the child. If friend puts child first for any reason he is more than likely to do his own thing and she will feel neglected and resentful. At the end of the day they will both feel resentment towards this poor child.
OP stick around and keep a watching brief so you’ll know if the child needs intervention. Meanwhile you can, if you feel the need,mention how the child missed her and how she is behaving now she’s back, just to keep the conversation rolling on the subject.
BTW did your friend go to boarding school?

Not worried in the sense of her well being, but worried that she has "checked out" of her responsibilities for the child.

Agreed. My 4 year old would be emotionally distressed if I up and left for 12 nights due to feeling abandoned. They don't understand at that age.

what sort of mother moves a man in who wants nothing to do with her child? a child that she wanted so badly she had IVF.

She is putting new man before her child and that is disgusting. That poor child deserves better

Doubt it.

Someone with a maternal instinct wouldn't leave a 3 yr old for 12 nights.

Especially not when they are starting nursery.

Poor little kid.

Child won't even know who their father IS, as it's a random sperm donor.

My thoughts are not only would I not be concerned about ending the friendship with this woman if I confronted her, I'd be taking steps to ensure the friendship ended. I could never condone treating a child like this and hopefully by distancing myself & gradually ending the friendship it would help her to understand there are people who have no desire to be associated with this behaviour.

I think I would have to say something. It would probably mean the end of the friendship, but i don’t think I’d wish to remain friends with such an awful person. That poor child.

I agree, it's very clear that he wants to get rid of this poor little child. I suppose it's fortunate that there is enough money to pay for child care.
Were that not the case his only option would be to make sure that the child was mistreated so social services took it away.
I'd like to hope that this woman has an internal 'mama bear' that can be woken up, but if she's willing to abandon a three-year-old I don't think she has any maternal instinct ☹️

I knew someone who met a man who wined and dined her and wanted to go travelling with her. He suggested she put her 8 year old son in boarding school. She dumped him.

Poor little thing. If he moves in I can't see things going well.

I think you definitely owe the poor child a straight talk with mum about this. It may end your friendship, I’m sorry, but if possible please keep a weather-eye on the child. I think she’s behaving dreadfully to go away for so long during the first days of preschool! A few nights, even a week, might be possible sometime but not then!

Imagine leaving your kid for 12 nights....poor kid! I honestly can't imagine in any circumstances were I would leave my three year old for that amount of time. Geeezzz he goes to nursery and is stuck to my bum for the rest of the day when he comes back. I can't imagine how that poor kid is feeling. But yeh she will probably fall out with you. But I would be fine with that.....

Your friend is the red flag. An utter disgrace to go with it.

I don’t agree none of this is on the man though - what does a twice divorced man with kids see in a woman with a young child?

He wants nothing to do with the child yet is now moving in. Why?

It’s not hard how to work out why he’s twice divorced but even the biggest dead beat will know the reality of living in a house with a 3 year old. You don’t get to live an undisturbed life, no matter how hands off you are.

He’s targeted her for a reason. I would guess he’s also picked the holiday date specifically to test whether her loyalty is to him or the child. If she’s willing to miss this milestone in her child’s life, what else will she be willing to do to please him?

At the very best this is setting the child up to be a nuisance in her own home. At worst there is a lifetime of emotional and potentially physical abuse ahead that mummy won’t save her from.

Thank god for that nanny but both of you together need to have a plan to safeguard that child because her only parent is a waste of space and you are the only adults who care about her.