To be worried about 3yr olds new dad

Has the nanny been given guardianship of the child for these 12 days while the mum is away? If not what would happen if the child became seriously injured or ill and parental consent was needed. For a hospital this would be a massive safeguarding concern.

The nanny is saying that she is going to leave because she doesn’t like the child and the child is asking for hugs and comfort from you. This sounds very much like that poor child is not having its emotional needs met. I’m not blaming the nanny as she has also been put in this awful position. But what if it was a nanny without morals and she decided to just leave while mum was still away and abandon the child. This may sound dramatic but mum left her child with an employee with no other support provided.

Sounds like mum doesn’t give a shit about her child and probably never did if so easily left her child in this situation. Social services definitely need to be involved. The child is at risk of significant harm of emotional neglect if nothing else

Sole parent to a 15 year old and I'm prob other end of scale as have only had 3 nights away in all those years. I don't want to be away etc

I'm astounded that this woman went through IVF etc in order to become a parent and then basically doesn't spend that much actual time with the child. It's heartbreaking.

I think you are absolutely right to be concerned. If the Nanny leaves, this poor kid won’t even have the stability of a familiar Nanny. From you second post, it seems the Nanny is the primary care giver even when your friend is at home. The attachment needs of this child are bound to be impacted by the change.

Given that you can see the potential for emotional damage here, I’m guessing whether you say anything or not, this is bound to have a negative effect on how you feel about this friend going forward.

Yes, the dc live with their dad and nan. The dad will often slag his ex off on Facebook about how she has abandoned them. Loads of drama and he will occasionally turn up at her house spoiling for a fight with then new man. It's a really sad situation.

There are lots of people who aren't cut out to be parents. We don't like to shame mums in society especially, so we often turn a blind eye or try to excuse it away. But you're right, there's a lot of selfish, uncaring, immature mothers who put their need for a man above their children's needs. So people should NEVER be parents.

Some just aren't cut out to be mothers.

A friend of mine has a mother who has had a string of men. My friend has four half siblings, all to different dads. The worst part was she could hear her mother having sex during the day time. My friend would whack the wall but the mother didn't care. She phoned me during one such occasion and I didn't offer a good solution other than just go for a walk.

Your friend is not fit to be a mother and I'd be telling her exactly what I thought of her parenting.
That poor child.

I'd be saying glad your enjoying it your kids really upset I'm doing my best to console him.
What an arse of a friend

"hi friend, lovely pictures. I'm sorry to bring you back to reality whilst you're away but DD has been asking about you and wanting hugs more than usual. I know it's lovely to be on holiday and have such a sweet boyfriend to whisk you away but I'm a bit concerned about DD as she clearly really misses you, 12 days is a very long time away from her mum especially starting preschool, I think she'll need a lot of reassurance when you're back! Hope boyfriend realises DD is going to take centre stage for a while!"

Ultimately, it's going to be very awkward but you need to say something. If no one does, she may think it's 'normal' that her boyfriend wants nothing to do with her child. She may become desensitised to her child over time and start to put his needs before hers. I think you need to say something but I'd wait until it's face to face.

Poor DD. My cousin puts men first, so much so that her kids are in care and looking to be adopted soon.

Of course neighbours intervening in child protection cases is important and not them being nosey @Needmoresleep But…

…that’s not what you were talking about as something that happened in your anecdotes. By your own admission, you advised a nanny to stay on longer in a house where the father was potentially a creep because of the nanny’s own “ambitions”.

These days, most nanny contracts will have confidentiality clauses, even those where the relationship was formed over the internet. But for the time period you’re talking about, which must have been at least 20 years ago, perhaps it wasn’t, yes.

I think your friend is a terrible person, an even worse mum and not someone I would choose to have in my life. Her behaviour is disgraceful. It’s like she’s had a child so that she has someone to love her, and now a man has come along, she’s decided that it’s less work and far more fun to have him instead. She’s got no more use for her child. Eventually, this man will clear off and she’ll suddenly want to be thought of as mother of the year, until the next man comes along, and the child gets dropped again.

But… there is a little child here who is going to be suffering. In your shoes, I think I would be encouraging her to get a new nanny and would be having the child over to mine as much as I could. This poor little sod is going to grow up knowing her mum has used her as a fall back. Someone to love her when there’s nobody better around. I’d want to give her as much stability as I possibly could. But that’s not the easy option by any means.

Just read the relationships board. It is inevitable that some young live-in nannies will find themselves in dysfunctional families.

You seem to assume that there is an agency, or a contract. Not always so. I was certainly aware of nannies whose NI or NEST was not paid (in this case through someone who was going to nanny share but pulled out as she did not want to either break the law or exploit the nanny.) Plenty are hired via ads on the internet.

Oddly I got on and continued to get on with both mums. Both are back in their home countries, but I am still a facebook friend of the one with the strange husband, and though I personally think she should of ditched him years ago, it was not for me to say. . She did confide in me a little about how tough things were and I listened, and tried some constructive suggestions, but all I got was "all my friends say that". (And me thinking...well bloody listen.) I did not mention the nanny's confidence nor the mums confidence to the other. I probably knew the nanny better as I saw a lot more of her, but got to know the mum long after that nanny had gone when there were some serious health problems in the family and the mum needed support/local knowledge.

In short, I am prepared to listen to someone who needs listening to, whether they are a mum or a nanny, especially if they are a long way from home and in a difficult position. Call be nosey if you want, but I did not ask for the confidences but did understand why in the circumstances someone might want to make them.

I suspect it is not that uncommon. One acquittance was so enraged by the treatment of a friend of her nanny (left for days with two young children and with the mum saying she would not pay overtime for when the nanny was asleep) that she had the exploited nanny come and live with her until she found another job.

Basically when it comes to child protection issues, "nosey neighbours" can be a good thing.

@Nobodywouldknow but that’s the reason why I said to @Needmoresleep that I’m surprised the nannies she was talking about (NOT the one the OP is) didn’t have a support system. Venting to other nannies is fairly normal and understandable, but venting to a parent of another child is not normal and viewed as inappropriate.

A confidentiality clause is bog standard in a nanny contract. Especially when the clients are wealthy.

@Calmondeck you don’t mention that the nanny will be replaced, just that she’s leaving. In which case, especially since that child has started pre-school, the mother may be planing on being hands on. Ask her!

Oh come on, loads of nannies do this and it’s pretty normal. I doubt she’s signed some sort of confidentiality clause. They definitely all vent to each other about their families - I’ve heard them in the park. She’s clearly at the end of her tether with this entitled neglectful idiot palming off all parental duties on her and moving a man into her child’s home who doesn’t even like the kid. It will be awful for the kid if the nanny quits but I don’t blame her if she does.

I’m sure they were good at the day to day but they were unprofessional for breaking the confidentiality clause in their contracts. There definitely would have been one as standard if they went through an agency or website.

I find it hard to believe that they didn’t have a support system back home or in the UK or that they couldn’t speak to their agency. Or even potentially the police, in the case of the young woman who found the album of nanny predecessors. Spilling all to a playground mum or nosey neighbour is the worst thing to do, it’s not in the children’s best interests.

It’s concerning but as she’s got a nanny SS will not see this as something they have to intervene with.

I wouldn't cover for a friend doing this. His moving in is also concerning.

The nanny needs to find a new job as she is taking the piss.

The mum is well off? Sounds like the fella is using her and will either be offski as soon as he’s leeched enough from her and/or met someone else, or she will kick him into touch when she realises. He’s probably enjoying the trips and will get a reality check when he lives with them.

I actually should’ve expected her being well off if she can afford a FT nanny. They do not come cheap.

yes, it is crap for the child involved, but essentially (and I don’t mean to be rude), it really isn’t any of your business unless the child approaches you mentioning being unhappy (I’d approach mum first if this is the case) or you see proof he’s been neglected or abused (straight to school or SS)

the nanny took this job on knowingly, and stayed despite knowing how much work she’d have to do. She’s sounding off to you but essentially if she wanted to leave, she could hand in her notice today and just work her notice period- she obviously cares about the child, but a job is a job at the end of the day, and she is in a very well paid one. Personally I don’t think she should be sounding off to other parents and I dunno if they are allowed to break confidentiality like that, maybe someone could enlighten me. It sounds awful but she would’ve known what she signed up for.

im sorry if this isn’t what you want to hear. I would leave them be for now and see how everything seems in a few weeks time.

I disagree. I had known a whole series of nannies working for these families, some who were pretty dreadful, and some I am sure quit without notice. These two were good. We lived close to both and I saw a lot of them because of lift shares, bus journeys etc.

But they were at their wits end and were on the verge of quitting. Being a live-in nanny is quite isolating and both were quite young and from overseas, one Australian and one Scandinavian. Both were being exploited and working long long days. They essentially were asking me what they should do, because they really did not have anyone else to ask. I gave the best advice I could, including suggesting to one that she stick it out till Christmas, as that was better in terms of her own ambitions. (Unfortunately she had found a very weird album the husband had collected with pictures of her 20 or so predecessors, all attractive, all blond, which inevitably gave her the creeps. He was a real cocklodger who stayed in bed till mid afternoon then played video games all night without really interacting with his children. The mum in contrast worked 16 hours days and was never around.) I don't know who else they spoke to if anyone, but I think saying things out loud helped. Both quit very soon after.

I can quite see why this nanny is needing to confide in someone who knows the family. She presumably is also at her wits end, and worried for the child.

two particularly good nannies confided in me about problems at home

@Needmoresleep I’d say the fact they confided in you about problems at home suggests those nannies were the opposite of “particularly good” 🤔

Bad form to confide in the parents of their charges friends, totally unprofessional. Nannies should know better. If they were actually concerned about the children instead of not wanting to be in that environment themselves, confiding in nursery or school staff is the professional way to go about it.

Blimey, I was worried about leaving my cat for 12 nights to go on holiday, let alone my small child! Sticking with the cat topic, my lovely neighbour who was feeding him said she thought he was missing us as he came to her for cuddles which he doesn't normally.

I agree with a previous poster that you could say similar to your friend - not directly judging her, but letting her know that her child is looking around for comfort. That's so sad if the nanny leaves as really the child will see her as "mummy".

Also agree with the suggestion that you suggest some child friendly activities to do with your friend - might get her back into mum mode with your support. I hope you can stay a supportive presence in the little girl's life as she obviously has a bond with you.

God I've just realised now the child will have to go through the emotional trauma of losing the nanny when she leaves her job. Poor child, this is so unfair!

This was my point exactly. The mere idea of a friendship with this type of woman makes my blood boil. I couldn't look the child in the face when they are older as I'd feel like a supporter of this type of lifestyle. I hope this woman is enjoying her cocktails in the sun while her child is lying in bed at night crying for mummy. Regardless of excellent care this is what every child does when the reality hits them that mummy isn't around to comfort them, especially during the night if they waken up disorientated or after a bad dream. The list goes on.

OP has made it clear the little's girl lacks nothing materially, but it sounds as if she will grow up emotionally numb, which is heartbreaking when you think of all the families with kids similar ages, who are just about managing financially, and those kids are loved and cherished no matter what. The poor kid in this case is being treated like an inconvenience.