To be worried about 3yr olds new dad

Social services are snowed under and this unfortunately is u likely to reach any kind of threshold considering the child is being cared for by a professional and I assume currently cared for, well groomed and fed. It also sounds like a (currently) one off, as in it’s the first time she has done it.
But the whole thing does sound very concerning. I would get in touch with the preschool if you know where the child is going and just fill them in. It is possible that out of professionalism the Nanny hasn’t said much. If preschool have a full picture they are perfectly placed to keep an eye on the child and see how this develops, and will be well versed in safeguarding/raising concerns with SS.

I couldn't be friends with someone like this, what a selfish mother. Absolutely disgusting and neglectful behaviour, her poor DC

Umm the man isn’t the issue here. What was your friend thinking to go away for 12 nights at the start of pre-school?!

I am not one to say never leave your kids btw. I go away with a friend once a year but a maximum of 3 nights and I would never do it at a crucial time such as starting school.

You need to have a word with your friend. She’s entitled to have a new relationship but she obviously doesn’t prioritise her child in any way. The one red flag I see is why is he moving in suddenly?

It’s a tale as old as time though isn’t it. Mum’s head turned by man who becomes the priority. No doubt he’ll move in and at best be disinterested in the child but at worst any range of horrible things.

It is definitely not usual to leave a 3yo with a nanny for nearly two weeks to go on a couples holiday with a new boyfriend. The nanny must be near the end of her tether to moan to you as her boss’s friend.

I’d also imagine her 3 year old will be quite tricky when she returns so that week will be quite the come down compared to an adult holiday.

The mum needs to get a grip. It's up there with all the kids out there who are abused by step parents while the parent sits back and watches.

I doubt SS would be interested at this stage but the mum needs to put the child first. Or this will be disastrous for the child.

I would speak to her make sure she is OK and not under some sort of coercive control or some sort of depression
What are her family saying about her?

This amounts to emotional abuse. Does your friend actually enjoy and want to be a mother? Poor child.

Everyone deserves some child free time but 12 nights and missing an important milestone is awful.

This will not end well. I would have to say something as I couldn't be friends with someone who behaves like this. Completely against my own morals and beliefs.

YABU to be worried about the new dad and not about the mother! This is all on the mother! She is choosing to be away from her child. She is choosing to be with a man that she knows wants little to do with her child. She is choosing to move him into her house. She needs a serious wake up call. If I were you OP, I'd have to say something... but there is a high chance if she's willing to throw away her relationship with her own child for this man, she's willing to throw away her relationship with you if you say anything about her completely irresponsible behaviour!

Do you think she feels that she has to go along with what he wants then Op?

Or is she just selfish?

If the nanny has been working 24/7 for the past year what has the mum been doing?

Does the nanny live in & can't get away?

He's not a "new dad" to the child, what are you on about?
You should be concerned about your friend neglecting her child.

Never mind the 12 days - this is my concern:

"He doesn’t want to be a father again so has little to do with her child."
"the man is moving in after this trip"

These two sentences go together as well as pineapple on a pizza.

I wonder if mum is okay? I can't imagine leaving my son for so long or missing major milestones. Being a new parent is hard, never mind doing it alone. Perhaps she's been struggling for a while and this partner has given her a bit of escape. If she was finding it difficult or living with depression, avoidance can be easier than dealing with things and maybe this is her way of coping.

With all that said, there's obviously a poor child missing its mum at the centre of this. I'm not sure how I'd manage it with a friend, perhaps just stay close for now and offer support when you can.

Don't get it - to go through the hell of fertility treatments and then dump the child in the care of the nanny? She might be having some mental meltdown.

Except the nanny is 'exhausted' and 'working 24/7'. That (as well as breaking employment laws, presumably) means the care isn't really adequate, or safe (emotionally and perhaps physically) for this poor little girl.

I would both be reporting this and speaking pretty plainly to my friend about the emotional impact on her child of her behaviour so far and the risks of this man moving in. The welfare of that poor little love has to come before my desire to preserve the friendship.

A wealthy one am assuming? Can afford live in Nanny and this big holiday? Is the man as wealthy?

She sounds like a crap mother who will be likely flagged up for neglect in the future if she’s not careful, or end up with a child who doesn’t know who she is.

Agreed. What kind of mother just blows off a milestone in a much wanted child. Most likely the only one she will have from what I understand.

She is an absolute fool. A fool and currently, a failure of a parent.

As the child of parents who regularly went abroad, leaving us alone with childcare or staying with friends YANBU but it's the mum who needs a head wobble.

My mum once left us for three whole weeks (not for work I might add) - well cared for, and I was much older but I still think about it now. So imagine the effect this would be having on a poor three year old it breaks my hearts

It's not the man that questionable, it's your friend's lack of care for her own child!

I don’t think social services would take any interest. There is adequate childcare in place with the nanny, and one can infer that there are sufficient financial resources to meet their basic needs.

I would not say anything to her directly, and deny any contact with social services. This child needs responsible adults in their life.

Poor child.
If you speak up, it will most likely be the end of your friendship. However I think it’s important to try to stay in your friend’s life, for the sake of her little boy. I think the previous poster’s suggestion of asking to meet up for a kid’s activity is a good idea, you can gauge her reaction/interest.
Edited as I thought friend was getting rid of nanny but actually nanny is leaving.

The problem is not the man, the problem is your friend.

This is entirely on your friend. The man is entitled to state his preference for adult time. Your friend is not required to agree.

She’s at fault here.

I would call social services, just to alert them. The current nanny sounds great and professional. However she is unlikely to stay. The next one may well be less good. Single mums, the sort who can afford nannies, may have to be away a day or two on business. But 12 days for a holiday is very odd and not acceptable.

Social services might have a word with her, which may do the trick. I assume they have other more pressing cases so won’t want to do more. Inter alia it might cause her to appreciate how the nanny has held the fort, and that she needs to make some effort to keep her.