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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want my baby to stay with his dad overnight

167 replies

Bunny44 · 06/09/2024 20:08

My baby is a year old and has never met his dad as he left me when I was pregnant for someone else and moved to the US afterwards. We've been in touch but it's not been very consistent especially on his side. He says he loves his son but he's only done a handfull of video calls with him and not provided anything financially. I often question why either of us bother and I've kept it to only responding when he reaches out.

Now I'm going to the US for work next month and I mentioned this to him and he suggested I brought my son and let him look after him while I'm working. However he lives in New York and the event is in Florida. I was tentative but I'm still breastfeeding and co-sleeping so I thought well this way if he takes him in the daytime I can carry on breastfeeding and co-sleeping at night.

However when I said this to my ex, he was annoyed and he said Florida is too far and he expected me to drop our son off in New York and leave him there for 4 or 5 days and then pick him up on the way back. He said he wants quality time with him including overnight and that I'm being unreasonable to deny him this as his parent. That I need to stop breastfeeding and it's not hard.

I'm assuming I'm not unreasonable, but just want to sanity check. Although he's his dad, he chose to leave and my son doesn't know him. I think my son would be distraught if I just left him with essentially a stranger even if he is his dad. I thought it was a big deal to leave him with him in the daytime as it was. I don't want to be accused of being the sort of mum who keeps my child from his father, but I thought offering him to either meet us in Florida or to stop in New York on the way there (so they could meet with my supervision) is very reasonable, especially given his lack of effort thusfar. I'm not saying never but now I think my son is too young and his father a stranger to him.

My ex is not a US citizen and can't travel out of the US currently to do with visas. He claims he has parental rights but he's not on the birth certificate and my son has my name. Presumably he can't exert rights over my son there as a non-US citizen. His partner has always seemed extremely hostile and has openly said negative things about the existance of our son throughout my pregnancy and thereafter which have gotten back to me.

I know people leave young babies with ex's and their partners all the time and I'd love to facilitate a relationship with his dad but AIBU to think his expectations are unreasonable?

OP posts:
Delphiniumandlupins · 06/09/2024 20:39

This can't be a serious suggestion! If he wants to spend 4 or 5 days with an unknown 1 year old suggest he makes some friends in New York with babies. He needs to make a lot more effort to be involved in your DS's life (like a financial contribution) before you go out of your way to facilitate anything. Your baby is currently too young and he is too clueless to leave them together.

Imbusytodaysorry · 06/09/2024 20:36

Kitkat1523 · 06/09/2024 20:12

I can’t believe you’ve even posted this….he is a stranger…you don’t leave your son with a stranger…..absolutely ridiculous

I feel the same .

OP where is your head at ?

stop contact altogether this is madness

Bemusedandconfusedagain · 06/09/2024 20:36

Bunny44 · 06/09/2024 20:34

I think that's a very unlikely scenario as he's got to have a clean record to stay in the US which is his and his partners main aim at the moment. She has kids too so they can't exactly go on the run with my baby.

Show quote history

The partner that has said awful things about your pregnancy and baby. I wouldn't want my baby spending time in a house with someone who is so angry at their existence.

Flopsythebunny · 06/09/2024 20:36

Bunny44 · 06/09/2024 20:08

My baby is a year old and has never met his dad as he left me when I was pregnant for someone else and moved to the US afterwards. We've been in touch but it's not been very consistent especially on his side. He says he loves his son but he's only done a handfull of video calls with him and not provided anything financially. I often question why either of us bother and I've kept it to only responding when he reaches out.

Now I'm going to the US for work next month and I mentioned this to him and he suggested I brought my son and let him look after him while I'm working. However he lives in New York and the event is in Florida. I was tentative but I'm still breastfeeding and co-sleeping so I thought well this way if he takes him in the daytime I can carry on breastfeeding and co-sleeping at night.

However when I said this to my ex, he was annoyed and he said Florida is too far and he expected me to drop our son off in New York and leave him there for 4 or 5 days and then pick him up on the way back. He said he wants quality time with him including overnight and that I'm being unreasonable to deny him this as his parent. That I need to stop breastfeeding and it's not hard.

I'm assuming I'm not unreasonable, but just want to sanity check. Although he's his dad, he chose to leave and my son doesn't know him. I think my son would be distraught if I just left him with essentially a stranger even if he is his dad. I thought it was a big deal to leave him with him in the daytime as it was. I don't want to be accused of being the sort of mum who keeps my child from his father, but I thought offering him to either meet us in Florida or to stop in New York on the way there (so they could meet with my supervision) is very reasonable, especially given his lack of effort thusfar. I'm not saying never but now I think my son is too young and his father a stranger to him.

My ex is not a US citizen and can't travel out of the US currently to do with visas. He claims he has parental rights but he's not on the birth certificate and my son has my name. Presumably he can't exert rights over my son there as a non-US citizen. His partner has always seemed extremely hostile and has openly said negative things about the existance of our son throughout my pregnancy and thereafter which have gotten back to me.

I know people leave young babies with ex's and their partners all the time and I'd love to facilitate a relationship with his dad but AIBU to think his expectations are unreasonable?

Block him immediately and don't let him know the finer details of your trip to florida.

StripeyDeckchair · 06/09/2024 20:35

No way would I leave my one year old with a total stranger.
Even 1 hour alone would be a big thing, 4-5 days over 1,000 miles away - absolutely not.

Original poster
Bunny44 · 06/09/2024 20:34

Cityandmakeup · 06/09/2024 20:19

What if he took him? Would you have any way of knowing where he was? Absolute no

I think that's a very unlikely scenario as he's got to have a clean record to stay in the US which is his and his partners main aim at the moment. She has kids too so they can't exactly go on the run with my baby.

OP posts:
Bemusedandconfusedagain · 06/09/2024 20:33

Don't let him do day contact in Florida while you work either. You don't want him fucking off and taking your baby with him.

MrsDoubtfire123 · 06/09/2024 20:29

Do NOT do this. None of it🤦🏻‍♀️ leave your son in England, with your preferred childcare provider whilst you go to the US for work. And stop engaging with the ‘father’. Unless he comes to England or you are contacted by his legal team.

soupfiend · 06/09/2024 20:28

YeahComeOnThen · 06/09/2024 20:27

@Bunny44

Dont do anything so ridiculous.

message him to say the work trip has been cancelled.

block him on everything.

your baby doesn't need this twat in their life. He's no more than a sperm donor.

best thing to do would be to see if you can get out of the trip. Second best thing would get them to pay for a flight for a 'carer' to go with you (preferably known & trusted family /friend) third would be to fund it yourself it's only the flight/food) hotel room is already paid for

She doesnt need to do all that, she just needs to say no?

There isnt any drama here at all, its just no.

YeahComeOnThen · 06/09/2024 20:27

@Bunny44

Dont do anything so ridiculous.

message him to say the work trip has been cancelled.

block him on everything.

your baby doesn't need this twat in their life. He's no more than a sperm donor.

best thing to do would be to see if you can get out of the trip. Second best thing would get them to pay for a flight for a 'carer' to go with you (preferably known & trusted family /friend) third would be to fund it yourself it's only the flight/food) hotel room is already paid for

soupfiend · 06/09/2024 20:25

Erm. No.

Dont set foot in the US with your son. Im sure others have already said the issues with the law there.

I havent read the thread.

gamerchick · 06/09/2024 20:23

Stop talking to the daft twat man.

Middlenamespot · 06/09/2024 20:23

Just say no. The man is a stranger in a strange country living with another stranger. In no world are you being unreasonable and you’re already being far too accommodating for him.

Cherrysoup · 06/09/2024 20:23

God, of course you don’t leave a baby with a stranger in a foreign country! He has no legal responsibility or rights as he isn’t on the bc.

LondonFox · 06/09/2024 20:23

Why would you leave your one year old baby with a stranger and go few states away on a distant continent?
I would not left my parents annoying cat to someone like that.

I am not sure why are you even thinking about this and pandering to your ex after a year

Maray1967 · 06/09/2024 20:21

If it helps you to understand what the impact might be, I had a conference weekend away when my DS was 18 months old. He was at home with his dad whom he’d seen every day of his life.

When I got back on the Sunday night he was still awake, clinging to DH. He must have thought I’d left. I paid a big price for that conference as he would only sleep with me in the room for a long while afterwards.

Now think about that situation- only the person he’s left with he doesn’t even know.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 06/09/2024 20:21

What is your plan for childcare though? Do you have someone to leave your baby with in the UK for 5 days?

BloominNora · 06/09/2024 20:20

Were you married? If not and his name is not on the birth certificate he does not have parental responsibility / rights.

If he wanted them he would have to come to the UK to apply for them either with your agreement - which would involve completing a form and getting it witnesses at Family Court or if you didn't agree by making an application to the court.

If he can't be arsed to travel from New York to Florida I can't see him being bothered to come back here and potentially pay out a fortune in legal costs!

Just tell him to do one!

Singleandproud · 06/09/2024 20:20

Parents have responsibilities not rights. If he isn't on the birth certificate then he has as much 'right' to him as any Tom, Dick or Harry knows the street.

Honestly you are best just calling it a day and stop trying to facilitate any sort of contact beyond what he instigates himself.

What are you going to do with your son on this trip though? Are you bringing him with you? Leaving him with a grandparent etc? I'd be inclined to leave him with a familiar grandparent in the UK and not take him with you. Your milk won't dry up after a few days it'll be fine

His suggestion is like saying pop to Munich and drop your baby off whilst you work in London it's a ridiculous suggestion.

Cityandmakeup · 06/09/2024 20:19

What if he took him? Would you have any way of knowing where he was? Absolute no

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 06/09/2024 20:19

Absolutely not. Hard no. This man is a complete stranger to your baby.

Itsmahoneybaloney · 06/09/2024 20:19

Tell him when he starts paying child maintenance you can have a conversation about access. What a dick.

Daisybuttercup12345 · 06/09/2024 20:19

That will be a loud NO .
WHY are you even considering this?
Ridiculous!

Spenditlikebeckham · 06/09/2024 20:18

Maybe tell him you are having ds adopted and block him. He won't ever have your dc's best interests at heart. He could take you to court but would have to actually come over here. And he would have to justify to a judge why you receive no cms.... And why he came up with such a batshit plan...

CristinaNov182 · 06/09/2024 20:18

Wow.

  1. this man is putting his desire over and above the needs of the baby. Massive red flag! The baby will be distraught, having been abandoned by his mum to a total stranger (the videos mean nothing at this age). The baby will feel abandoned, no question about it, and you know it.
  2. you are actually considering abandoning your baby for a few days to a man you have never seen parent your child! That’s even more unbelievable to me. Your instinct is warning you, hence the post here, but you are putting this man before your child.

if he wants to be a father, he is just the sperm donor atm, he needs to show up in person a few hours at a time, while you are present!

your duty is to your child, any number of horrible abuse or NEGLECT, intentional or unintentional(lack of parenting skills) can happen while you’re not there, even if you are missing for a few HOURS only.

you have no duty to this man. He can become the father in a safe appropriate way, if he wants to.

im afraid you don’t have it in you to be assertive and protective of your child. If that’s the case get help. Have a friend or relative as the middle person between you and the sperm donor.

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