DD starting uni - her comment has broken my heart

Many PPs are saying trust your DD2 and they are right. Let her do what is comfortable for her. It doesn't mean she isn't that person but it does give her power (and thus increased confidence/security) to make choices - and ulitmately making choices IS power.

As for her style - again, give her time to express this as she feels comfortable. Then it can flourish fully. Also, condsider that she may have more than one style ...

I often feel that the best I can do for my DDs is NOT to argue. Whatever they want/can do, they've thought it out in minute detail so I try to facilitate.

Uni is an opportunity for a bit of reinvention for everyone, let her go through this and just support her ch
oices. She'll find her tribe at her own pace. Best wishes to her and a hug to you, OP.

I remember reading somewhere that conventional good looks are merely a time limited visa to the high life and it's devastating when you get deported. Nobody's truly has it all, all of the time.

I'm a bit, erm, quirky in taste (September 1st I wheel out the Tatty Devine plastic bat jewellery and today I wore heart print Converse) but when I went to uni I went with plain purple bedding and a dark towel to avoid any makeup stains. I wanted to keep a low profile and I wanted a calm uncluttered space in a small room.

I would accept the approach she's taken. She can always add things as she comes home for holidays.

"Pretty privilege" is definitely a thing and I think your daughter is very astute to know this already.

She will find her way, but I imagine how much it must hurt you that she doesn't see herself how you see her.

That is really sad if it’s not what she really likes.

Sometimes, when you are new somewhere, you kind of want to keep a low profile in the beginning. That's OK!

Hi I read what you wrote and I think it’s really hard to know how to respond to what she’s said as she’s clearly picked up that she is perceived differently to her big sister.

I was thinking if she were my daughter, maybe I would write down all the things I love about her and add to that what her dad and sister love about her. I’m thinking of my autistic son and one thing I love about him is that when he laughs he cracks up and it makes everyone around him laugh. His laugh is so infectious.

Not to reassure her exactly, but to show her that there are more versions of her and other words to describe her than those she said to you.

And also to give her a space to let these feelings out with you, without you trying to take them away or fix them. It sounds like you have a relationship with her that allows her to say how she feels.

She has a point, sadly.

Thanks for this. Am mum to an autistic daughter (not yet uni age) and this was so lovely to read.

OP it sounds like she has the solid foundations beneath her (in you) from which she can try out these thoughts and ultimately realise they're not true. Teen years are such a trial, I'm sure you're doing enough already. Horrible to have to watch your kids go through shit, worse than it happening to you! Just reiterate her worth to her and she'll know it. You've got this xx

@KatnDarmam

that hurts, but the very sad thing is, she's not wrong. 'Cute' is fine when you're the pretty popular one, but it's 'weird' when you're not.

Don't tell DD2 'to just be herself' you'd be undermining her, making her mistrust her own feelings.

just tell her she can take/buy other bits as she settles in. She might feel more like she can be more 'pastel' once she's made some friends.

Not being harsh, but what you want is irrelevant. It's what she needs that counts. She wants (at this stage) to 'fit in' & feels more confident being a bit 'white/neutral' She'll find her tribe & slowly feel more able to be herself.

it's doesn't matter how perfect WE think our kids are, this is their journey xx

My nd daughter would choose items that suit her personality, more stylish "different" colours and designs as she gains confidence as she gets older,
.......
she would definitely not choose anything like her sister!

I have just spent a ton of money and time re-doing my 12yo DD's bedroom, it went from pastels and girly with soft toys etc to grey and white and no soft toys. I know she did it to be more like the 'cool' girls at school and not because it's who she is.

Your DD will find her people and when she does it will help bring her back out of herself. Little by little she will feel more comfortable turning her space into what she wants, be ready with the bank card when it happens!

Well, I think she's right, to an extent. Popular charismatic people can get away with being babyish or plain odd in ways that people who may struggle sociallym or stand at more of an angle to the mainstream cannot. In fact, I think it says a lot for her social intelligence that she grasps this.

And her sister is going into her second year, with her university persona already arrived at, her friends made etc -- of course she can be more relaxed than someone just starting as a fresher.

I do also think that as a pp said, your younger DD likely to find her tribe at university, and to be able to relax into a version of herself that doesn't feel like a performance. But I don't think she's wrong not to want to replicate her home bedroom in her student accommodation. Home bedrooms are private in a way that your hall of residence bedroom often isn't. She's just biding her time, and not putting too much of her private self out there in her bedlinen etc until she finds her feet.

Best wishes to her for a good first term!

Is she Into anything else that isn't so 'pink and fluffy' that might come across as young. You can get nice flower and animal type things but in a more 'edgy' colour, brighter or with a goth twist maybe.
Just telling her to be herself probably won't work as she's already figured that often only works for the 'cool and popular' kids.

For what it's worth I recently graduated at 43 and literally everyone I met and who's dorms I visited were into everything and anything and actually nothing at all was laughed at or criticised. A few cool plants and a Boho throw or something chucked in and she'll be fine.
Maybe give her an extra bit of money to get some more things once she's more settled and comfy and has found her vibe a bit more and knows what the people around her are Into

Awww I'm mum to an autistic boy (not uni age yet) and a lecturer to many autistic students.

I think generally autistic people find their people at uni and, in my experience, thrive and mature as their peers do. Not saying it's easy ...it's. It always the right choice for some students, but I think she'll realise that she's not that weird, autistic ugly girl at all. She'll be kooky with the other kooky kids. Everyone tends to find their tribe.

I have autistic students who bring teddies in (I was a bit 🤯when that started happening).

What is she studying?