DD starting uni - her comment has broken my heart

Gently could you possibly just be taking a bit of a sibling rivalry chat a bit too seriously

DD1 took the piss a bit out of DD2s choices and she snapped back with that comment to defend herself

In a way she is saying that DD1 is the boring normal one. Weird, ugly autistic girl sounds bad and is painful to hear as a parent but might she be differentiating herself, claiming her weird & geeky identity vs her conventional sister and not feel as negatively about it as it at first seems?

Yes to all of this.

I'd have a chat with DD2 about any anxiety she's feeling, and make sure the university she's heading to has an office where she can drop in and get support if she feels she needs it.

I think, while distressing to hear, your daughter is right. My eldest is autistic and he is very aware of fitting in and making sure he doesn’t do anything to stand out. Never be babyish, even from a young age. Wear what the cool kids are etc. it’s good she knows how to behave to make her life easier. Shit though that she has to.

Please do not tell her that she will find this mystical "tribe" where she will fit in seamlessly with "her people". The tribe does not exist for everyone. It's a made up concept that lazy parents tell their children, so the parent can stop worrying and they can fob the child off.

She will make new friends and continue to navigate social situations, just like she's been doing all her life using a combination of assessing situations and masking.

She has the emotional intelligence and self-awareness to do this. Have faith!

Has anything happened recently to her, which has made her doubt herself? People passing comment? I think it is worth talking to her more about her worries and anxieties and help her build up self esteem, explain that there are a lot of different people at university, that some people will seem more confident than they are, and about how she plans to make friends (or find her tribe!) Prepare her for the sort of thing which will stress her out and talk about strategies eg freshers stuff

You are looking at this from the perspective of a parent of an NT child. Most likely nothing happened recently to OP's DD2. She has only ever grown up knowing that she is wired differently.

I think your daughter has shown a lot of social awareness and picked up on what she thinks are social norms. Well done

As sad as it is, she is insightful regarding ‘first impressions’ especially at the hype of excitement time of first years’ starting, and social pecking orders establishing. I agree with PP that depending on her interests she should definitely explore activities clubs.

Are your DDs going to the same uni ?

I would say though that there are many ways to keep in some elements of what she likes without, to caricature, literally jellycats. So at least the the colors, and also flowers for instance : you just incorporate them in a different way, so for ex a bit more hippy or edgy or contemporary style or many others would all have those elements in different ways. If you can share more about her specific tastes I’m sure posters could try to advise.

A PP mentioned instagram and I’d second that recommendation (and similar platforms) as you will get way, way more pics than you ever wished for (add in US dorms and you can be at it for the next year!).

Depending on her willingness to engage further, either just go back for a trip to grab a few things (I would worry about her morale if she has changed absolutely everything), maybe just a throw and some trendy cushions in the colors she likes, then as PP mentioned she can fill it in later..

(If she has a good relationship with DD1, she’d also be in a good position to advise on the latest trends, it may be best to keep that chat with you for the time being, or maybe not have it at all as there is enough comparison already in DD2’s eyes)

She's not wrong though is she...

But also, university is the classic time for teens to re-invent themselves and this is a totally, in fact, boringly normal part of maturing into an adult.

Let her figure this out - most people at some point or another have had a crack at hiding bits of themselves or altering themselves to fit in or be accepted in some way.

She will work out, with your support and hopefully that of friends too, that this isn't the way to be, and she'll find her own style. It may be the style and aesthetic she had before, it may not be... people do change as they grow up.

I am not sure it is true that everyone finds their tribe. Whether you find your tribe will depend on how confident you are in who you are, and how well you recognise your own kind of people, and also how many of them are at the university you choose. Depends on the university, the city/town, the subject.

OP in terms of fitting in, maybe say to her that she can take a variety of stuff, so the new stuff and the stuff in her room already, let her have a look round on the first day and see how she feels, and as she finds her feet on the day she can decide what to take in at first? She can always get other stuff when she needs it.

Has anything happened recently to her, which has made her doubt herself? People passing comment? I think it is worth talking to her more about her worries and anxieties and help her build up self esteem, explain that there are a lot of different people at university, that some people will seem more confident than they are, and about how she plans to make friends (or find her tribe!) Prepare her for the sort of thing which will stress her out and talk about strategies eg freshers stuff

I agree with this. It's fine, perhaps sensible, to want to present a neutral view of yourself in a new social environment. Once she's made seen the lay of the land and made some friends she can incorporate elements of what's cool in her peer group and what she's interested in personally.

I think every young person goes through a phase of trying to fit in at all costs until they find themselves. It just tends to be far later for autistic children as they understand the social codes later. Did your DD1 really never do this at eg 12-15 when NT tend to do it?

OP, made me tear to read what your DD2 said. As her mum, it must have felt like a punch to your gut. I have a 20 year old daughter with autism. My dd is not as expressive or self-aware as your dd nor does she have a golden sister to compare against but I get it. It is what is unsaid.

Girls with autism are used to masking. They know their traits are not socially accepted so prefer to observe others to see how they behave to mimic and in the meantime not make waves. My dd's teacher said dd would have been happy to stay in covid because she got to wear her mask all the time. This was before dd was diagnosed.

I would not make a big deal. Just let dd have what she wants and buy her other stuff later if that is what she wants. I also thank @Mumteedum for her reassurance that your dd will find her tribe at uni. She has so much growing up to do at this age, alongside the added burden of coping with her condition.

I agree with pp about letting her walk her own path. The only thing I would want to intervene on is referring to herself as the 'ugly autistic girl'. If she meant it seriously (vs tongue in cheek?) I would really want to discourage it. What we think about ourselves does matter and I would hate her to go off to uni with that self-perception in her head, it is only to easy to find ways to reinforce these things once we get fixed on them.

She actually sounds quite savvy on her take of many social situations. Starting with a neutral base gives her a chance to feel her way through and decide who she wants to be.

Try to think of it like a blank canvas and uni is her opportunity to grow, try something difference

Unfortunately, you cant help her be herself. She has to find that for herself. It can be a bit of a journey to get to that level of comfortable ness. You just have to be there - a background support of unconditional acceptance. These choices are part of that.

Well I think @MidYearDiary has nailed it when she said Well, I think she's right, to an extent. Popular charismatic people can get away with being babyish or plain odd in ways that people who may struggle sociallym or stand at more of an angle to the mainstream cannot. In fact, I think it says a lot for her social intelligence that she grasps this.

I totally identify with how your daughter feels about playing it safe, and her reasoning, and as has been said above "it says a lot for her social intelligence that she grasps this". When she is an adult and had her own home & hits her stride, she may well have the strength to do as she pleases.

If anything, I am in huge admiration of her self-awareness, that in order to carry things off you have to be the full package and have the outward confidence to make it work. At a time where everyone is being encouraged to express themselves however they see fit, it's refreshing to hear of someone who actually still understands the basics of how things are underpinned.

Clothes-wise, I am incredibly boring and stick to what I trust, but I wear it well and I get complimented accordingly. Even if I had the confidence to step out of my comfort zone, I wouldn't have the visible confidence or finesse to pull it off - I'd be aiming for Kate Middleton and ending up as Su Pollard.

I appreciate the two people in my next example are both males, but compare the styles of Tom Allen to Joe Lycett - they both seem to be heading in the same direction, but Tom Allen has it nailed it, where as Joe Lycett, well...

I understand. I've got 4 dc with autism and my heart breaks for them when they say things like that. Sometimes I think it's easier for my youngest who is more severely autistic but doesn't seem to be aware that he is different. My 3rd tries so hard to be friends with people and he enthusiastically saves seats for children who go and sit somewhere else. Then there are kids who have loads of friends without having to try at all. I really hope she finds her tribe at uni. Dh and I found each other on our 2nd day.

I relate, for different reasons. When I was that age, I would always see these cute baby-doll dresses on young women. They looked so pretty. I got a few. Turns out that, because I'm petite and flat-chested, when I wear a cute baby-doll dress I just look like I'm literally a six year old.

It's just not that easy for some women to find the style that suits them. It's ok for her to play around with different styles and find something that works for her.

DD2 is right.

I understand that you don't want her to change to fit in.

I don't fit in very well. Life is a lot easier if you hide it at least a little socially.

She's more sensible than you are. Teens and early twenties reject people very quickly and in a nasty fashion. She's sensible to try to fit in at least a little bit.

I would say this is quite insightful actually, and shows emotional intelligence. It also shows she is anxious about how she will fit in. I would downplay the sad (and untrue) comments she made and focus on helping her prepare for Uni - plain sheets and all - and not question her choices, as this is the time when she will spread her wings and become as herself as she will ever be. She may also want a fresh start which means a new look. Ask DD1 to avoid making comparisons however much she is trying to help, as DD2 will and clearly is already making these herself.

Perhaps it’s more to do with not having childish tastes? My sons’ uni female housemates definitely didn’t have cute or flowery bedding etc. We’ve just been helping our son’s gf move into her new uni house and her room is decked out in a very ‘IG trendy’ style. It’s all white bedding with beige throws and cushions etc. She’s 20 and trendy and would detest pink, ditsy or floral.

Your daughter probably wants to appear more fashionable and mature.

No one at university has actually said anything about her room, as she hasn't been there yet, so she's not being bullied or criticised, just taking steps to avoid a worst case scenario (in her head). The juxtaposition of ND sibling who struggles and charismatic people magnet sibling, makes the situation feel more extreme to you.

What you're seeing isn't that different to how a lot of kids starting university, or even adults starting a new job, would fret and worry that they won't fit in to this brand new scenario.

All you can do is encourage her to be herself and choose what ever she likes for her room.

Sad, but true!

DD2 will be going to Uni with a "blank canvass" that she can personalise once she finds her tribe.

If there is scope to give her some £ for a revamp once she has found her tribe, I would suggest that.

A cushion or throw could make a huge difference.

The beautiful part of university life is that there is pretty much a club for everything going and means she can find friends doing things she likes or wants to try without worry.

I would say she is astute and has a element of self preservation about her which will stand her in good sted at uni!

Make sure she goes to the freshers fayre on the society and sports days so she can see for herself. They tens to be the same days so she shouldn't waste her money signing up for too many.

Smart kid to have figured that out so young, took me a lifetime.