DD starting uni - her comment has broken my heart

Buy her a Venus fly trap, colourful cacti, and plenty of kitchen equipment. Also a fully stocked first aid/medicine kit.

I'm autistic and your DD2 is pretty smart and absolutely right (sadly).

I'm a bit older now and more able to say fuck it, this is me, we might not be each other's cup of tea and that's fine. But I wouldn't have been so mature then. She sounds very sensible.

Awww I understand how you feel.

however that’s what I think. Youth is for experimenting. For trying on different styles, interests, even personas. She’s still developing and changing, she doesn’t even fully know who she is herself (as much as she thinks she does!). So what if she’s trying things which aren’t previously “her thing” 🤷‍♀️ how would she know what’s her thing without trying?

what Im saying is, encourage her to look at things this way. She can experiment fitting in with different kinds of people (as clearly she WANTS to fit in). Of course she’ll find her tribe but it’s totally ok to try different things as she isn’t cast in stone in what she likes and who she is.

(look up “the growth mindset” by the way).

Yes, you are correct.

I am not sure you are right, half my family are high level autistic and there are ebbs and flows. People who are wired up differently can be completely at ease with the fact that they are wired up differently but still get thrown off balance by bullying, just as NT people can. I appreciate that your dc may be more consistent though.

I think you are right, or at least that is what it was like at my uni, seemed people were less judged on looks than at any other time, less than before (at school) and after (at work)

I would not try to change her opinion on it. I might simply have responded with "well, to me you always have been and always will be absolutely perfect".

Don't underestimate the power of constant and unconditional love from your mum. I honestly think it's a superpower that some of us are lucky to carry with us through life.

I’m so glad I saw this. I was getting increasingly worried about my 14 year old son who still has his teddies.

The pretty popular girl has free license do weird/nerdy things and everyone loves her for it.

It’s less the ND, and more the DD1 popularity.

My typical Uni girl gushes over Hello Kitty … but would never ever ever have in public or in her room. Her Uni room rug & duvet cover white/grey with soft pink accent blanket. Safe safe safe.
Kitty say don’t be sad.

Bless her. Hopefully it was more of a throwaway comment she made. Starting university is such an exciting but nerve wrecking time! She’s got a blank canvas for her room and hopefully once she’s settled she’ll start adding more of her personality to it.
how was she starting/throughout college or sixth form?
I found university so much different from high school and college, friendship groups were so diverse. It was definitely more of a time in life to be yourself than try to fit in.

When my DS started uni there was an autistic boy in his flat. They all seemed to get on reasonably well and when it was his birthday they bought him a cake and decorated their shared kitchen area for him etc. I don’t know whether he really understood the significance of it at the time but his mum certainly did, she saw what they’d done having driven hours to see him on his birthday believing no one else would care and burst into tears. He’d always felt different and she said that no one had ever done anything like that for him. After that he found his tribe at uni and I’m sure your DD will. It’s not a case of having to change to fit in, she’ll find people who like the same stuff. Importantly I hope you realise that people in your DD’s life will show her empathy, support and love when you’re not there. She’ll be ok 😍 IHTH

I'm sending off a fresher DS with autism in a couple of weeks. My younger NT DD has picked out everything for his room, and clothes for him, so that he can blend in. I am sure that these kids will meet each other and be OK.

i didn't think looks were a measure of someone's worth at university i.e. compared to high school

At the moment she should do whatever makes her feel she will fit in. She will find her tribe at university though and then will feel happy to be herself.

Just wanted to send some support your way.
I'm in the same boat! DD is off to start uni next week, she's also autistic and she's really worried about finding friends and fitting in. When we were shopping for her things, I saw her looking at plain white bedding etc which isn't really her style. I left her to it to avoid a meltdown and she seemed to have a 'fuck it' moment and now she's bought everything she actually likes. Lots of pink etc. Fingers crossed your dd and my dd will be in the same accommodation block 😂.

OP I have 2 sons and the eldest is ND ,never formally diagnosed but now in his late 20s he has identified that he is ,and now I realise there were so many red flags 🚩 that we missed,mainly due to lack of awareness .Just thought he was ‘quirky’
He really struggled at Uni for a few weeks but then found his tribe and he really enjoyed and did well .He had a few problems organising himself and a bit chaotic at times…feel sad as his Mum that his ND wasn’t picked up by me .
It is positive that your daughter has been identified as ND.
My other son is NT and has the confidence,and dare I say it scrubs up well .Older son definitely compared himself with sibling. They are now both happy contented adults.

I think the PP meant realising that trying to act on other's wavelength/normal is important.

It takes time. It took me until 30 to realised what she's already grasped @KatnDarmam . I couldn't understand where I was going wrong and didn't realise so much about succeeding at being young is about trying to act normal. I was miserable and couldn't understand why I couldn't gel with people socially.

She'll be fine when it comes to acting normal- that's not a bad tactic. However, she does sound a bit down, but that's a separate issue maybe.

Really, I thought most girls would realise this by about the age of 12 if not younger.

I remember people telling my mum how pretty my sister was from a young age. They never said the same about me.

My sister is now in her 50s and is single and I am happily married, so it doesn't always matter how pretty you are.

I remember starting at university - lots of people arrived with attempts at being a ‘new and improved self’ but within a few weeks their real personalities started to appear.

OP, slightly off tangent here. You can also help your dd by making sure she accesses the relevant support at uni.

She can apply for Disabled Student Allowance (DSA) which is part of Student Finance. My dd's experience is they are very generous. The assessor did not quibble and genuinely made sure dd got everything she needed, including allowance for a laptop, assistive software, printer, one-to-one ASD study skills and study strategy support and mentoring sessions. I also contacted the uni student support team (they were pretty useless IMO). We got dd to consent in advance to them telling her parents stuff so that the uni could not use the excuse that dd is an adult and not tell us vital information.

Autism is a risk factor for mental health, so it is good to get your dd's support system at uni set up in advance, whilst she navigates the social maze.

DD2 sounds like a very sharp, self-deprecating, and (depressing as this is) socially acute young woman. She doesn't sound classically autistic at all. I think she's going to thrive. Also sounds as if she's got the measure of her sister.

DD1 might be hot as fuck, but her room sounds silly. I teach at university and have never seen anyone carrying that sort of bedding into a room in halls.

@CinnamonJellyBeans that's a bit unfair. I can only go by my observations of my students. Perhaps my caveat would be that our subject area has a high proportion of neurodiversity and tends to be accepting of difference. I am not saying it's all roses. Uni can be overwhelming and as I said (with a typo) it is not right for every student, but I have always seen students find their people no matter who they are.

It's not the same at school. My own son does not have many friends and little in common with the kids at school in general.

I think sometimes it's hard as parents we can project onto our ASC kids. My DS is being very practical about his stuff and isn't emotional about it in the way we might be. He has the most boring bag and pencil case etc so he can try not to draw attention to himself, because of bullying.