DD starting uni - her comment has broken my heart

i think the be yourself thing is about knowing who you are, what you love, what makes you happy, what your values are, what you want from life.

The "find your kind of people/tribe" thing is being able to recognise the sort of people you want to be friends with, trusting your feelings about people - friendship is about how you feel about someone.

But overlaying this is being aware of social rules and social norms and so choosing at times to fit in and at other times to be yourself, how to behave with different types of people and in different situations, and also being aware of rules of relationships, so knowing how you should behave with friends/partners and the sort of behaviour you should expect.

The only thing that would trouble me about what the OP's dd said was the negative description, the belief that she would be seen as the weird autistic girl. I am not an expert in relation to autism, but the people I know who are autistic wouldn't say this and so I don't think it is a given that it is related to autism, though I might have misunderstood what was said by the OP. I think that is the only thing I'd be wanting to check out with my DD, if I were in OP's shoes, checking her self esteem and self belief is ok, that she feels okay in her own skin. I think attractiveness is not just your physical features, it is also how you feel inside. (Though I do agree about pretty privilege, it only applies to the very pretty, most of us are the normal. And even people who are very pretty can look awful when they feel awful and not beautiful people can shine when they are happy and feel loved!)

Definitely agree r.e being different, but even for non-ND people it's hard being the 'non-pretty' sister, even if she wasn't autistic.

No matter how you surgarcoat it pretty, popular people tend to have an easier ride socially. Anything 'different' they do is written off as a cute quirk. But weirdness for other people.

So have I! Not sure how! I’ve reported it so it’ll be taken down. Sorry.

Oops posted on wrong thread sorry

I'm sorry if some people have found my comment about finding your tribe/people trite. It is genuinely my observation as a lecturer.

I did not mean to be flippant. My course is not very large and I know my students well so although of course this is anecdotal, I was just offering my perspective from what I've seen.

Pretty privilege absolutely exists at uni and beyond. I’ve seen it with one of my daughters.

Honestly I know you mean well by saying this but there is absolutely no guarantee this will happen. There are so many intolerant neurotypical people who make like far at more difficult than it needs to be for autistic people. These NT people are the problem. Without them then the OP’s daughter would be far more likely to have happier and more accepted experience at Uni.

I think starting with a blank slate is fine and actually quite sensible. She'll find who she is at uni....she'll find her people.

I am sure you are right re: your family. My dd is not alright with being wired differently. Girls can be more sensitive to not fitting in and hence the high level of masking amongst women who are autistic.

Going by what the OP's DD2 said about her sister as compared to her, I doubt it was a recent stray remark which threw DD2 off balance. In those circumstances, it is likely to have been something simmering below the surface for a while. Which is why OP and I, as mothers of autistic dds, would take her comment like a body blow.

You must be so proud of her. Can I ask what sort of subject area she is going to be studying? (Okay if you’d rather not say). I found that the ‘halls’ friends were quite different to ‘course’ friends, when the subject matter could be a point of conversation or interest, for those of us for whom ‘banter’ and ‘small talk’ doesn’t come as easily

Quite a bit of meanness in that post - no need to make one the villain here.

My dds have a similar dynamic and the ‘hot’ one is actually very kind, emotionally intelligent and a really supportive, loving girl. She loves her sister and puts her family before anything.

I didn’t know I was autistic when k was at Uni. So I just constantly beat myself up at being a social failure (and now cringe at some of the things I did to try to make friends)

and agree there is no point in “being yourself” when all that happens as a result is that people think you’re a twat and misinterpret everything you do.

I see it differently she sounds incredibly switched on and aware which I’d find reassuring

people tend to socially gravitate to people similar to them she’ll be fine

I think hiding a little bit of your true personality is normal when you first go to uni. She is at a transitional stage going from school to adult life and she needs to try and find herself. It’s heartbreaking what she said but I’m sure she will show her true self as she gets settled in.

I’m pretty sure the bedroom I had at uni was more sophisticated that the one I have now and I’m in my 40s.

I know it’s impossible not to worry but she needs to find out who she is and what she is comfortable sharing with others.

I wish mumsnet would permanently ban people who make such deeply offensive and ableist comments. But suspect name change and more ableism is on the agenda for many such posters

Please MN - you have a severe anti-autism problem with posters like this. They are deeply upsetting to autistic people like me and that is exactly what they want. They win and we become continue to be objects of derision.

Yes I agree 'be yourself' is also trite. Not just for ND people though. f someone was a narcissistic bully would you also happily tell them to be themselves? What does the phrase even mean?

Husband and I are both ND (I have ADHD him autism) and we get each other but we know a load of the stuff we do would be considered weird by other people.

However unlike school, where you're all shoved together by chance of birth year. Uni has loads of different clubs and societies so IMO it's easier to find friends. Most big unis also have events and societies specifically for ND people.

I mean she’s right. If you’re ‘hot’ or popular and everyone likes you you can afford to be way more quirky when younger. When you’re older you don’t give a fuck

I don’t know where your comment comes from or whether you are the parent of an autistic child, so I’m not going to address your comment. However, I just want to say that the OP is being really thoughtful about her DD, who is struggling, and wondering how to support her and is getting some really insightful comments, so, with respect, please do not post messages which do not respond to what the OP is asking for and which may derail the thread.

You are embarrassing yourself.

It is ok to not post if you don't have a clue what you are talking about.

people with Asperger’s are autistic

but I know you know that and are being deliberately offensive and provocative.

Are you kidding me? Please go away, far away, and educate yourself on the autism spectrum. Please do that before you come back here posting comments that other posters with autism will find hugely offensive.

Sadly your daughter has just spoken truthfully. I wish neurotypical people would stop trying to deny us what we actually experience

and the flippant “she will find her tribe”
comments annoy me to. I was still bullied at university. Yes I met people I liked but finding a “tribe“ - IME that is very much a neurotypical desire and need (to be part of a group)

being autistic in an overwhelmingly ignorant and unaccepting world (not matter how much inclusivity people claim to have) so fucking hard. My odious former work colleagues are the latest in a long line of bullies. Bit it’s easy to blame the autistic person.

listen to your daughter OP and do not minimise her experiences. You won’t know half of what she has gone through.