DD starting uni - her comment has broken my heart

I have a DD15 with ASD and ADHD and she really tried to fit in and looks up to the cool girls but found her tribe at school.

I would encourage her to join a club or sport she loves when she goes, this will give her confidence and hopefully she will feel comfortable just being herself.

Honestly it seems to me (not very NT) that she is being herself.

@KatnDarmam

Does she read much?
I'd get her looking at autistic and ADHD girls and women such as Ellie Middleton and Chloe Hayden.
Each of them have books out that really are empowering for autistic girls about unmasking and being their best self.
I have two autistic girls and one autistic boy , all of whom have ADHD as well. They've all been through it a bit And these sort of role models and advocates are really helpful and helping them gain confidence to be themselves.

There are even workbooks to go through that are actually quite fun and engaging

She really does have a point, speaking in general terms.

Uni is such a great place for meeting your people though - it's so vast and the personalities so diverse, there's room for everyone. If your daughter feels like she wants to be inconspicuous at first, let her be. I'm sure once she finds her group, she'll relax and be herself. That's for her to learn though.

This is a perfect answer.

I just want to say I struggled to fit in at school, and I wasn’t as aware as your DD.
but freshers week at uni was the easiest time I had making friends. I just seemed to attract other quirky students who to this day are still my best friends! X

Tell her to get what she likes, it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks. everyone’s different and amazing in their own way. Would be boring otherwise and comparing yourself is the thief of joy. Then tell dd she is beautiful and intelligent etc.

Sounds like typical sibling rivalry.

I think it's very normal and sensible to go with neutral stuff to Uni. She probably has grown out of her bedroom at home and want to try a new style at University. If anything I'm surprised at how girly your elder daughter's Uni bedroom is, most girls grow out of pink everything at 9. Maybe make sure she feels secure and loved as well, it can be hard being the NT sibling because so much worry and concern goes to the ND child and the NT child is expected to cope by themselves much more.

Just tell DD2 you love her and think she's awesome and you are so proud of how far she has come. To go from being non-verbal at 7 to being able to live away from home at 18 is an incredible achievement and she should nevee forget that. Remind her that at university no-one will be comparing her to her sister. Don't criticise her choices, tell her you think it's up to her how she decorates her room at Uni, not her sister, and it's fine to have a different style to her childhood bedroom. Change is normal.

1000% this.

I'm sorry to hear you've had so much bullying @Scautish and I absolutely hear you on people often paying lip service to inclusivity. They're happy to say all the soundbites until it actually means changing anything more significant than just tinkering around the edges.

I'm AuDHD btw. Lots of similar experiences. No bullying at uni, I did find a "tribe" but I found the experience of being part of and keeping up with a big friendship group horribly stressful. I prefer having a smaller number of close friends and spending time 1-1 or with a smaller group.

Autistic relationships look different and feel different. They are different.

I feel sad for OP's DD that she feels like she needs to mask so hard, but I understand why, I absolutely do. If you're not ND, you aren't gonna get how it feels to be surrounded by people and expectations you know you can never really quite live up to.

If anything, I felt so much pressure to be intellectual and appreciative of the Arts, know stuff that wasn't 'popular culture', I remember a time watching the Jean Michel Basquiat film on our shared house and one visiting student didn't know who he was and many of us were shocked!

Popularity not"popular"

This is my experience and I'm hoping my DD's when she is old enough for uni. When I was at uni, graduated on early 00s the more alternative folk were popular so those running the alternative Drum and Bass nights rather than the conventional pop interests like Take That. People who understood politics and current affairs and were intelligent were more likely to be popular have lots of friends. My DS is like this in 6th form so I'm hoping uni will be like this for him not this popular contest in conventionality!

IMO it's much easier to be yourself at uni than sixth form where everyone needs to fit in. She might not know who she is yet so going in with a blank canvas might work well

If it helps, this 55 year old grandmother has the 7 dwarves on her bedding and I a. Very proud of it

She sounds wry, switched on, and astute. Those are excellent qualities and I’m sure she’ll meet plenty of people at university who will appreciate her for them.

Let her do what she wants to do for now. Do you remember starting secondary school and agonising over having the 'right' bag? Do you worry about that kind of thing now or just get whatever bag you like? Once DD2 has settled and met her type of people she will feel comfortable enough to be herself.

Bless her! She’s over thinking it, totally understandable when you so often miss what everyone else ‘gets’. My ASD dd really enjoyed uni, found friends and really thrived. If she doesn’t have a weighted blanket already I’d recommend one of those. Also many of my DD’s friends are really into plants and have lots in their rooms so I’d send her with at least one! FWIW my dd took her beloved teddy and no-one blinked an eye. It must be SO daunting for her but as many others have said, hopefully she’ll find a group of similarly kooky (if that’s the right word) people and have a great time.

Sadly, she shows a lot of maturity in understanding how the world works, but it would break my heart too. I like the first PPs comment that she will in all likelihood find her tribe at Uni. Wishing her well x

My experience with uni bedrooms is very out of date but from memory it would be weird for a girl not to have flowery decorations!

I think she could be in for a pleasant surprise OP, quirky young people often thrive at university. The last thing I'd have wanted to be at uni was conventional.

Well look, she’s about to start a whole new phase of her life. She’s decided that she needs a change to signify that, and she’s gone for plain things. Isn’t that like buying yourself a new blank notebook? Whatever style she develops will be easy for her to bring in, instead of starting with scribbled on pages.

My ND son is off to uni for the first time next weekend. We have spent a lot of time shopping and he is going with reasonably plain things for his room, but he is having some texture in a cushion and a blanket.

Completely understand your feelings. Let’s hope our young people meet like minded friends.

She sounds very socially aware with some of her comments. She is right, most people in most situations will go for a blank canvas approach. I also think caution needs to be had when asking kids to be their true selves because through childhood, teen years and early adulthood who that real self is should naturally change. Are you sure your daughter isn't feeling ready for a change? This is totally normal at this age. Getting rid of childhood interest isn't necessarily a bad thing at this stage.

I would though be worried about the ugly autistic girl comment. Have you spoken to her about what she meant by that.

Oh I feel for you, and for her. Sometimes I listen to my gorgeous child say something like that and just feel flayed. Like I literally can't bear to feel the world. I'm so sorry.
BUT she will find her people. And she'll grow into herself. And one day she'll wear her quirkiness on her sleeve and people will realise that she is completely cool just as she is.