DD starting uni - her comment has broken my heart

I'm rather impressed by your dd insight. Of course we don't want our dc to lose their personality, but ASD can sometimes make people be so sat in their unique ways that they really suffer from social exclusion/self-exclusion. My dd is autistic and I'm trying to get her to understand that sometimes one has to try and fit in, at least a tiny bit, whether that's by adopting (at least minimal) personal care standards, fashion standards, basic polite chit chat/body language and generally going a bit with the flow, as in trying to like/joining in what others do, at least giving it a go ( within reasons, especially with regards to drink, drugs, politics, sex, of course!). Her autism makes my dd very sat in her ways, so being able to try and adapt (whether necessarily or not) is on the whole a very good thing in my books, and totally 'normal'. I'd definitely help her with a very gentle glow up to boost her confidence if she'd like it, if make up/fashion are not her thing, while at the same time driving home that she is attractive just as she is.

I'd say it's an expression of anxiety. About growing up, change etc. I think the bedding etc I'd not really the actual issue.
Just give reassurance she can have whatever clothes, home decor etc she wants at uni. Or anywhere else. I think she'll hopefully gain confidence meeting new people, many of which would also be ND I'd imagine.

Your DD2 will be fine as she gets older- as others have said she will find her tribe and passions. Also, I hate to say this, but DD1's sparkle will eventually dull and fade as people move on- enjoy it while it lasts and prepare her for this- her life will very likely end up dull as she gets older.

Also, what is considered "hot" in one social circle is not in others- if she is as you say she is and she dresses "trendy", she would not be considered that attractive in more "alternative" circles, wheras DD2 probably would be considered "fit as fuck"- maybe she would be happier moving in those circles?

Is one of you on insta? Check out (at symbol)Candy.Courn

Candy.Courn is an autistic adult and if you look, you'll see why I'm telling you to.

I'm turning 42, I'm autistic, I sleep with teddies, have dinosaur feature wall wallpaper in my bedroom, I wear loads of goth or Lucy and Yak clothes, and if anyone doesn't like it then they're not my people.

I spent my younger years trying to mask so badly to be liked, to fit in, but there's tons of us like your daughter out there, so many, and we are all into our odd or flamboyant or alternative stuff.

Uni will be full of people like her.

She needs to find who she is. Buying plain stuff gives her the opportunity to do this without having anything with a declarative style. She can always accessorize with things later on. A Jellycat dragon is a good accessory...

I ended up putting up posters to go with my very plain stuff.

I don't entirely agree that pretty premium is a thing
People are attracted to those who are confident, fun to be around and successful
Charismatic I guess you would say.

But we all do this at different times of our lives to fit in! Downplay certain area of our personality and over play others. It is survival instinct. When she fee secure with her tribe her true self will come through!

She seems very switched on and it’s probably a way for her to feel more in control by picking neutral things that can help her blend in.

I would just support her in how she wants to manage things and keep being there to listen as you are. Platitudes are not going to help.

It’s naturally an anxiety provoking time for her and as PP she will likely want to express herself more when she feels settled and safe to do so.

I heard someone say once that you need to fit in first to be able to stand out.

I’d love it not to be the case but sometimes that makes life easier.

You’ve already had so many insightful and helpful replies here, everything I wanted to say has been said already. The best thing you can do is just support her decisions even if you don’t like it. It’s tough I know, I’ve been there! My DD1 (adhd & autism) graduated two majors, then went travelling for four months. Shes now working full time at our local hospital. DD2 is 19 (adhd & poss autism) couldn’t handle school and left to work full time. She’s currently travelling with plans to move out on her return and in three years start her EMT training. They find their way and they find their people and they do it easier with our support. Sending you all the 🧡🧡

I have two autistic DDs, age 20 and 14. My eldest is really out there with her dress sense, lots of pink and fun plastic jewellery, pink hair etc. My DD2 is as ‘basic’ (as DD1 would call her) as they come, in that she has to be exactly like everyone else, and it’s crucial to her to do this in order to ‘fit in’. That’s just her coping mechanism, as she becomes more confident hopefully she’ll develop her own style but at the moment she feels safest like that. I’m guessing your Dd2 is currently of that mindset, I wouldn’t worry, it’s just what she feels she needs to get through at the moment.

DD2 is yet to release that at school everyone tries their hardest to be cool by fitting in. School is bloody cruel like that.

When you get to uni everyone tries their hardest to be as quirky and as different as possible. They all kick back against having to be clones. Cute and kitschy suddenly isn't for little girls, it's for the cool kids.

❤
I hope your DD2 finds her tribe and is happy.

Hi, I’m presuming that the university knows about your daughters autism. My nephew also has autism and he was placed in a student residence with other similar students. He is around friends who he understands and who understand him.
DD2 perhaps won’t fit well in the circles DD1 is part of …but she doesn’t need to. X

But I want it to be because she wants to and not because she is trying to fit in.

Maybe try to frame it as "trying not to stand out" while she sees how she fits in, rather than "trying to fit in" in a way that isn't her?

Poor girl! Sadly I think she is right, and yes it’s heartbreaking! All you can do is support and love her and encourage her interests, and hopefully she’ll find her ‘tribe’ at uni. Congratulations to her for doing it! Sending love to you and her. And your DD 1 too, who sounds lovely too :)

I would leave it open for her to top up with some more personal bits and pieces once she is more settled. Give it a couple of weeks and then offer her a throw to decorate her bed or a small rug. Once she has seen she isn't the only one with a taste for more colourful decor she might want a bit of a rethink.

To a certain extent most people try to fit in - it's a psychological process and part of the survival instinct. She's at an age where her brain is telling her this is vital as she is at a vulnerable stage. Support her, let her do her thing and as she gets more confidence and finds her feet it'll probably ease. She's an astute lass and what she says is unfortunately true.

One small idea occurred to me, which is that a couple of jelly cat plants might be good if she likes jelly cat stuff? Or the food, like coffee cups or pastries or sushi? I know it's super pricey but might be a way for her to keep her favourite brand in a more adult way?

They are on different paths. Autism is a unique challenge but can also come with special abilities.

When DD has had issues with others being cool and popular I remind her many of them will never be able to solve a maths problem like she can with an innate knowledge that’s just always been there. For her it’s somewhat effortless. We giggle at just how bad I am at maths and I have also cried once or twice over the maths shame felt from being so rubbish at it, to show her that other people feel rubbish too, just in different areas.

With regards to looks I also say that Megan Fox and Angelina Jolie, two of the most beautiful women on the planet, their marriages didn’t work out. That being beautiful is no guarantee of happiness and if anything can cause an inflated sense of self worth and entitlement because you’ve always been used to receiving more than your fair share on account of looks. When you come into a relationship with those high expectations it can be destabilising. Especially if the man is at the same level.

That’s not to say all very good looking women/men are like this. Hollywood is it’s own special brand of weird. But you see the extremes there.

the kind of self awareness she has developed through having autism may not present itself as a positive right now but it may help her in the future. She’s highly observant.

She has learnt to be very strong in ways your other daughter has not been tested. Yet. Or other NTs for that matter.

In the end we all have our fair share of burdens to carry as life progresses, and a core human truth is we all wish we were more in some area of our lives, more pretty, thinner, better hair, exercised more, ate better, more friends, better job, better mother, nicer house, nicer car etc.

Whoever we are we always feels a gap. I do understand the gap feels larger for ASD but for NTs it’s there’s too. That the work will never done and that we are all
imperfect/unfinished.

Yes, that does make sense but to some extent, especially when young, I think many people play the imitation game, even those that seemingly don't. I think she needs to keep that in mind otherwise it can seem like other people are somehow, 'better' but the mindset needs to shift to they are not better they are different. My DD is only young teens but I try to influence her mindset in this way as she is a very talented Artist and plays an instrument well and in all honesty has loads going for her but as it is school she's always referencing the popular people like there are some special beings, I remind her all the time that they are just individuals with stuff in common like she is with other people and that's fine and what friendships look like but they are not 'better' just because they are popular. Although DD is very self assured, she is quietly confident but I still have to work on that message.

I think that you may be taking your daughter's read of the situation as something negative and that needs to be fixed when she herself doesn't.

She's explaining what she needs to do to fit in, and to feel comfortable. Most girls/young women feel similar at some point. Your daughter's autism just means she is able to articulate what she is doing very factually.

I know it might seem like she's hiding her personality, but I'm sure she's not shallow enough that a beadsoread is a defining quality of her. It's her first year of uni she may want to reinvent herself at some point anyway, depending on who she meets and makes friends with. Lots of people change somewhat at that age, or get involved with new ways of thinking, new ideals, new experiences. University isn't like school, she will meet a group of people there that she feels comfortable with just let her do her.

Yes , she’s not wrong is she.

I think it depends on how she said it:
Did she say it sadly/bitterly/matter-of-factly?

Because I can remember saying as a teen that I couldn't get away with something that the "in" crowd did.
It was a total comment of fact, and I really did not want to be in the popular crowd, nor did I really care. In which case I'd let her choose what she wants to do. I did, at times, do things because it helped me fit in better rather than because I liked them, and actually my siblings struggled much more because they didn't.

Sadly, then I think you need to encourage her to see her good points, and not let her think she's the down one.

And bitterly, maybe look at dd1 and dd2's relationship. Does dd2 feel dd1 shoves it in her face a little? The comment about the bedding could have been made in good faith or it could have been a snide reminder (even unconsciously) that dd1 is able to get away with it.

I was at uni a few years ago. Nearly every single girl, no matter whether they were girls who dressed up, who dressed plain, who were quirky etc, had floral bedding!

Also I am autistic. I had a different style etc to your DD2 but I found my people at uni. I think the only people who didn't find their people are the ones who tried to be different to fit in.

I really hope she has the best time. And maybe let her know you'll be able to bring up her jelly cats or give her extra money to make her room more herself once she feels comfortable. I get not wanting to stand out when you don't know what to expect or what the bar is when it comes to decorating. For now, plain may be making her feel less anxious which is good. But make sure she knows you'll support her in being more herself once she's ready! Maybe if there's room under her bed, some of her fun decor or bedding could stay hidden and then it's there if she wants it.