Sister-in-law’s ultimatum to parents

And the behaviour has got better as OP says.

In this case, however, the step grandchild (teen) attacks the other grandchildren (it's in the other thread). It's not a "big, happy, family" situation.

You’re welcome.

Actually I’d say that’s more common for ‘normal’ people not to adopt those roles tbh.

Isn’t it great when people are free to do what works for them, though? Even better when they do it without someone else using their example in an attempt to dictate to everyone.

Thank you. My family is indeed a VERY blended one but the funny thing is that we never think of it like that. At my cousin's wedding (who is my aunt's stepdaughter) we actually had to stop and try to explain our relationships to people who didn't know the background because we just refer to each other as cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. In fact we forgot to tell my brother that we're technically half-siblings and he found out by chance when he was 15, but he just said "it doesn't matter, does it?"

My grandparents were a hugely, warm, loving couple who extended their love and warmth to anyone who came into the family circle, perhaps why I find the mumsnet attitude to stepchildren so unconscionable. I am glad to see that there are at least some kindred spirits on here.

I suspect there is a lot more to this story, as evidenced by the woman's behaviour to the child. As do you.

Thanks for reminding me about how vile Mumsnetters and their view of "obligations" can be. It didn't occur to them not to "adopt those roles" nor that they were not "obliged to". They did it because they're normal, loving people.

Good people apparently also like to emotionally blackmail, and actually just straight up blackmail, people into doing what they think they should.

All very heartwarming I’m sure, but getting the nod off approval for being ‘good people’ from you isn’t something anyone else needs to aspire to. Oh well.

I TOTALLY agree with sister in law. Its not relevant that other kids see their dad. He's their parent. I assume your neices/ nephews see their mum. How very very cruel of your parents. Couldnt be giving a louder message to s
Sister in laws kis ie 'you are not really a part of our family'. Shame on them and shame on you for not sticking up for your sister in law. Poor kids cant beleive u actually had to post a question like this.

I hope you don’t have any contact with people at all, if you think it’s ok to punish your mother 50 years, instead of talking to her about it.

I also wonder how the children would even know their step dad’s dad spends time with his grandchildren when they aren’t there?

it sounds like his sister spends time with them without the older kids. I am sure the grandparents see different families and different kids at different times.

soinds like their mother is stirring things up.

I doubt the children have been acting up because sometimes Op's dad takes out a couple of GC!

If they have always been treated like this then why did she think that things would change when she had another kid?

Also, can we not forget that one of the stepchildren is an all-but-teenager who takes his frustrations out on the step-cousins?

It's lovely that they had the bandwidth to do that.

In this situation, it sounds like SIL is forcing the situation. I would resent being forced, bullied,or coerced into any type of relationship with anyone.

And they ARE including the step children. However, taking them out for the day which SIL is wanting, is a huge responsibility. I haven't even done that with my own nieces and nephews. You don't take that on just to "be inclusive".

Yes they didnt have to.
but they were good people who saw that a child was a child who had done nothing wrong and was just thrust upon in a situation outsode of her control.

they were grown ups who chose to love and to give. Inconditionally.

that is what good people do.

they choose to include, they choose to love. Especially a child.

the reward?
they are loved back and they probably have a wonderful family.

so now thanks to them a another drop of goodness have been planted into the works we live in. The child grew up and in turn is most probably a lovely human being who will give in return.

so no they didnt have to, but thats what food people do. Which clearly the OP and her family arent.

That worked for your grandparents, aunts and uncles, who were presumably happy to adopt those roles. They weren’t obliged to, however, and that they chose to doesn’t mean that anyone else should feel the same. It doesn’t and wouldn’t work for others. OP and her family aren’t responsible for making up for the failings of the paternal family.

Her husband disagrees with her. He only heard of the ultimatum when he dropped his child, the one the parents weren’t supposed to be able to see, off at his parent’s house.

Blended families are complicated and what works for one family won’t work for another. Based on the information provided by OP in both threads, SIL seems unreasonable. SIL’s kids are treated the same as the other family children at family functions. Because of the history of the bad behaviors displayed by SIL’s kids, I understand the family’s not wanting to include them on other outings.

DB and SIL need to take the lead in helping her children develop better relationships with the rest of the family. This means that they first need to fix the behavior problems. Then, they need to host outings or functions to help the family develop better relationships with SIL’s children. Invite the grandparents to join them on a trip to the zoo. Invite OP, her DH and DC to a BBQ at their house. SIL needs to understand that she can’t expect anyone to instantly be as close to her children as they are to children they have known since birth.

OP’s family would be unreasonable if they refused to even try to develop a relationship with SIL’s kids, provided the behavior problems are resolved. They would be unreasonable if they only tried to have a relationship with DB’s DD and completely left out SIL’s kids. The grandfather might not include SIL’s DS in a trip with a couple of the other grandkids, but it is DB and SIL’s job to teach the kids that everyone’s relationships are different and to find something he can share with the grandfather.

I have a step sibling who is quite a bit younger than I am. She also had massive behavioral problems. My parent and step parent initially tried to get the extended family to include step sibling in everything they wanted to do with me. This created a lot of drama, arguing and resentment. I resented my time with relatives being ruined by step sibling’s bad behaviors. I resented missing out on outings that weren’t age appropriate for step sibling. It permanently damaged my relationship with my parent, step parent and my step sibling.

It drove a wedge between my extended family and my parent because they didn’t want to be responsible for caring for a badly behaved stranger. They included my step sibling just as much as they did me at family functions. There was no difference in treats or gifts. This wasn’t good enough for my parent and step parent. They couldn’t accept that just because they decided to marry, didn’t mean the family would automatically have a close relationship with step sibling. They never put in the work to make a close relationship possible.

Did your SIL ever try to explain to her in-laws how she feels about the situation or did she just go straight to the ultimatum? Ultiamtus are never great but sometimes they really are the only way some people will really listen and understand 🤷🏻‍♀️

What an astonishing thing to say. It was clearly about a lot more than an ice-cream. I hope you don't have any contact with children, given your careless attitude to them.

I am so glad that your daughter has your husband as a step-father. He is a star.

I agree, and I am glad that she has her husband's support on this. It says that he cares about the children, too.

Blimey. I am a step-grandchild as is my cousin. We were never, ever, ever treated differently by our grandparents (and they WERE and ARE our grandparents). I can't for one second imagine it happening. To think that my uncle (for example) didn't consider me a real niece because we weren't related by blood is craziness.

No wonder the children have been acting up. What a horrible thing for them to feel - that they're not worth neither their father's attention nor the affections of the family of their new stepdad.

Treat them equally and I suspect their behaviour will begin to improve as they learn to love and trust.

Yes - many of the previous posters go on about "including" the step grandchildren, as if it were like including then on an invitation to a family gathering (which is happening). What's not happening is the step grand kids being taken out by the GP on extended outings. Those types of outings are often very hard work, and expensive!

But they aren't being treated poorly.

This is such an interesting thread, particularly as I am older.

The entitlement is enormous of adult children that think their every given life choice has to be sucked up and endured by the wider family and their parents.

Major reality check, it really doesn't.

I am a huge advocate for step mothers, particularly childless ones who are silly enough to get sucked into the whole skivvy/aupair dynamic, then have a child and suddenly wake up to the shit show they have slept walked into.

The confusion is because we are talking about children .....and people thinking it is righteous to defend them and their needs....even if this new wider family that didn't know them from Adam a year ago, don't actually want to suddenly bend themselves out of shape for them.

Case in point was my good friend whose youngest daughter was a 28 year old chemical engineer that got involved with a newly divorced 34 year old colleague with three children 3,4 and 5.
She was seeing him for a year and had been well and truly been introduced to the children by 9 months.🙄

At about 15 months in, her older brothers wife's sister was having a BBQ for the family to celebrate their twins 10th birthday.
A few other family members were bringing children of a similar age because of the bouncey castle etc.

She had only intended to pop in on her own, as it was a vague invitation she heard about while popping into her parents home.

However, her boyfriend upon hearing about it thought it was a perfdct afternoon for him and his children to be with "family".
My friend was put in the position of explaining to her daughter that this was not appropriate, not on, and not happening!
Her daughter took it well enough, she's lovely, but her boyfriend was outraged at the perceived "rejection" of his children.
Daughter comes back to my friend to check again.
This is when I get a call to ask is my friend being unreasonable.

I tell my friend to ask her daughter has she really actually thought about the invitation that was actually issued?

Boyfriend was NEVER invited, nor were his children.
A family event is NOT a convenient outing for him and his children to think they can just invite themselves.
This is not a family event for the extended radomers of siblings.

It was a very very frank chat between mother and daughter, where my friend kindly pointed out that landing into a family event with an uninvited boyfriend and his 3 very very young children was completely inappropriate and simply not happening.

He was very outraged and "hurt" apparently.🙄
The relationship limped on for another year and thankfully she woke up when one night she went to his to stay over and he suddenly told her he was going out to meet friends,.... and she was his babysitter.🙄
My friend was hugely relieved.

Another friend was bringing her grandchild to a work fun day as she had for 8 years prevent... and was suddenly being told that her sons new wife's child of 4 years now had to be included.
Again, not happening.
She is a really kind person but definitely is not someone you tell what to do.

These issues can not be foisted on people IMO.

Kindness, inclusion at general family events absolutely for sure,
But telling someone they have to spend their leisure time with a child they haven't build a rapport with, absolutely not on.

Grandparents are often very aware of their mortality, after a life time of giving, the idea that their precious time should be dictated to by the spouses of their children and step children in a wider context is both entitled, absurd and preposterous.

I wouldn't entertain it for a minute.