To feel resentful over paying child maintenance

@StickItInTheFamilyAlbum

"Back in the day, Bob Crow lived in social housing as a well-remunerated union leader. There are current MPs who live in council properties.

But social housing was never intended just to be for people living on the margins. It was supposed to be a mixed community that would improve standards for everyone.

It's the shortage of social housing that, over time, has led to it being largely reserved, in some regions, for people in desperate or straitened circumstances."

Agreed

I'd pay 20% into my pension and only pay the CM required. Explain to your son that covers your share of his expenses.

I have mixed feelings about your entire post.

On balance, I think that you are hard done by with this maintenance situation as you covered childcare costs and all of the parenting during the difficult years. It does seem very unfair for you now to have to shell out when the dad has been a dick and intentionally shirked his responsibilities to pay CMS (based on what you have said).

Re housing, I actually didn't realise that this is how HA worked and I am utterly shocked that you you have a home for life. It seems incredibly unfair to people who haven't had the same incredible leg up.

It may be that I am feeling particularly hard done by rn though as an immigrant who has paid absolutely shitloads in taxes in the UK for 15 years, and who is looking ahead to spending the rest of my working life here, but just found out that I probably won't be able to collect state pension due to the way the system is designed.

I agree. It is not a low income. By any stretch

We don’t know what it is a single household income, and that’s really not my business.

But personally I think it’s insulting to people on actual low incomes, those in London living off minimum wage for example, to suggest that £65k is low.

I don’t think people shouldn’t have money, I think they should have perspective when they do.

@kittycats100 Oh and, please be comforted by the fact that the vast majority of children eventually recognise shit parents, and also appreciate the parent who did so much for them. My son is an older teenager now and he is really starting to see how shit his father is all by himself.

I don't think you've mentioned but how old is your son?

My heart honestly goes out to you, I'm also a single Mum and worked my ass off to raise my son with little to no help from his father. I'm also now well enough paid and the idea of handing that amount of money to my DSs dad actually makes my stomach burn. I can completely empathise with your situation and I'm sorry.

You're really dealing with all this very sensibly and pragmatically, you're right not wanting to stop your son from living with his dad if that's what he wants and you're right not to want to give up your HA property.

But I would honestly try and find anyway you can reduce the amount you're liable for. Will he definitely go the CMS route? What if you say, 'tell me where to send the £55 going forward, you know, the amount you're currently paying me.'

@SleeplessInWherever 65k as a single household income in London is low

100% this.

But OP does not resent her son. She - quite rightly - resents her ex.

He's going to be the resident parent so food, clothes, school trips, books, all other expenses will be his responsibility to cover now. As well as appointments, hobbies, and childcare requirements if necessary. Pay your CM and let him get on with it. It will be worth it to no longer have the hassle of all that other stuff anymore. You get to be Disney mum now! Take him to do fun stuff on your contact time and then that's the end of that for another fortnight. Good luck to dad (and SM). The teen years are the best years to parent 😬

@kittycats100 First of all, well done to you! I can see why you're resentful, but you'll continue doing right by your son.

Well done on working hard to improve yours and your son's life. I can't imagine that was easy by any stretch of the imagination. Single-parenting is challenging enough and you've also managed to grow a career 👏🏾.

Well done on putting your son first here too. It must be hard sending him off, but you've worked out that'll be a good move for him.

Whatever you do, don't relinquish your secure home. Only an idiot would give up certainty for uncertainty after what you've been through.

Good luck working your way back to financial stability and I hope you manage a successful swap soon👌🏾.

As you are providing child maintenance to him as the primary carer he will now be responsible for providing primary carer provisions that you did previously. This means the 450 covers uniforms, lunches , school trips , clothing. You are still providing it in the form of CMS. Please don't provide this on top of CMS!!! Be transparent with him and your son that this is what the 450 is for if and when he asks for it. Or offer to pay him what he paid you but still expect him to provide all that you have over the years. It’s his turn. Hope it all works out for you, congrats on the new job. Hope you end up better off with the new arrangement.

Totally agree that he shouldn’t have done that. But that doesn’t mean it would be fair for you to do it.

You can afford it, it’s the owed amount, it should be paid - just like he should have paid you fairly.

My mum brought all three of us up with no financial or physical involvement from my dad.

Personally, even as an adult, I’d be both shocked and devastated to find out she begrudged us that.

Fair or unfair, finding a way to purposefully withhold money that is intended for your own child, is out of order.

Just because one person does the wrong thing, we all don’t have to, this isn’t a race to the bottom.

It sucks OP. I totally understand your frustration. But there isn’t anything you can do so try not to give it head space and sleep well at night knowing your not a lazy dead beat like your ex.

Except, this type of father tends to ignore his other parenting responsibilites as well .

So not only has OP been providing for her son by herself for years/with an intermittent pittance from her ex, but she's also been doing pretty much all the parenting.

From the cold light of day, the ex owes the OP a whopping amount of money (and labour). And now she is expected to pay him double/tripple/quadruple the amount he's ever paid her for his son.

Of course it's not fair.

You need to support your child. That support is based on your income. Ultimately, it's your child's right to be supported by both parents. As much as it might irritate you that he paid a little and you will pay a lot. I think you neex to consider that it would cost you much more if DC lived with you.

I’m going to hazard a guess that OP was hoping the father of her child would contribute reasonably and consistently towards the cost of their upbringing. But sounds like you’re going for a different angle.

Honestly, I'd be fucking fuming as well. It would boil my piss to hand over that amount of money to him when he's let you scrimp, save and sell your stuff all these years.

I know it's not right, but I'd be doing everything in my power to reduce my declared income. Investments, pension, anything. I would obviously buy DS anything he needed, but it would pain me to hand the father money in this instance.

This.

If (when) men shirk their financial responsibilities, we all rightfully give them a hard time. It’s not any different because it’s a woman we’re talking about now.

He’s owed it, the OPs son is owed it - pay it. Anything else and you’re as bad as the dads who don’t.

£65k is a very good salary. If your son is living with his dad and you're paying CM why would you also pay for uniform and school trips?

Ridiculous. I live in Cheshire, where rents for family homes are also that amount.

My salary is slightly less than OPs, and in my view - I’m well paid. It’s an attitude thing IMO.