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Original poster

To feel resentful over paying child maintenance

279 replies

kittycats100 · 06/09/2024 14:46

I know I'm being unreasonable but hear me out. I've been the full time parent since me and DA dad split up when he was 2. DS goes to dad every other weekend and half holidays. Over the years child maintenance payments have varied from his dad paying nothing on the beginning to then me getting some CMA. The first years was £120, it went up to £300 for a year then back down to £120, there was two years I was getting nothing and some years of around £100. Currently it's £55. From secondary school, DS will be living with his dad most of the week so I'll be liable for child maintenance and I'm sure he will claim from me. I've just done a calculation and it's worked out I'll have to pay £450 p/m. I feel really resentful by this because I'll pay it with no drama but I had to struggle along for 8 years with no help with anything other than the CMA amount.

I need to come to terms with this and just accept it's for my son but it's really pissing me off. I had a convo with my partner about this and he thinks it's only fair as I claimed against my ex which has annoyed me even more.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable to feel like this?

OP posts:
TakeMeDancing · 07/09/2024 13:45

There is nothing wrong with maxing out your pension. In fact, if you have been neglecting it, you have been missing out on years of compound interest building on itself, and are far behind. It’s a smart thing to do, whether or not you have child maintenance payments.

Werehalfwaythere · 07/09/2024 13:22

kittycats100 · 06/09/2024 14:55

I'm not going to voluntarily give up a housing association property for the instability of private renting though, although yes I probably could afford it.

This is all that's wrong with the system. Not your fault OP, id do the exact same thing. But it's a warped system for sure. HA properties should be for low earners and people who need that help.

Aside from that, I don't agree that teen boys need their dad. They need the best parent available, whether that's the mum or dad. They need the one that's kind, reliable and a positive role model (non gender specific). I'd have kept him with me personally.

Kitkat1523 · 07/09/2024 13:20

sashh · 07/09/2024 08:00

Try to find a property you can use a wheelchair in if you exclude social housing.

As for, 'limited income', you realise HA properties charge the same rent as local private rents?

I'm in a HA property, two bedrooms one bathroom, the council houses that back on to me are 50% of my rent and have 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms and a huge garden.

Show quote history

I’m in the NW ….housing association and council rents are the same….there is no difference….we have stock from at least 4 HAs ( 3 are local and 1 is national)

Kitkat1523 · 07/09/2024 13:19

TakeMeDancing · 07/09/2024 11:58

I’m confused. If it’s full rent, why are people so desperate to keep hold of these tenancies? Particularly at the expense of a child going to a sub-par parent?

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Because it will be at least half the price of private rental….it is a lifetime tenancy ….so you have security…..she can apply for a mutual exchange but thsi takes time

HelpAGirlOut1234 · 07/09/2024 13:18

lovemetomybones · 07/09/2024 08:57

It goes off last years tax so if you didn't have this high paying job last year, you are safe for a year! X

Oooh, this is a very good point OP... what was your wage the last tax year?

DancingBadlyInTheRain · 07/09/2024 13:07

kittycats100 · 07/09/2024 13:06

I double checked and yes I can pay more into pension and I will do the maximum amount I can. If that makes me an awful person, so be it! I have a pittance in my pension pot so it would be good to have that built up. I will keep trying to mutual exchange.
As much as is miss having my son around, my working hours are long and it would be nice to be able to go to work evening events without having to figure out childcare which has always been difficult. Maybe even go on some last minute mid week holidays!

Well - good luck to you and hope you do get the swap you need.

DancingBadlyInTheRain · 07/09/2024 13:06

Elsewhere123 · 07/09/2024 12:36

The OP should build up her pension as her child care has prevented this in the past. She should pay in the maximum she can afford. If this reduces CM then good, she's had a raw deal and no one will support her when she retires.

I think this.

She clearly not going to let her son go without - she is talking about paying for extras already on top of the high maintenance she expects to pay.

Secure tenancy is currently huge thing. We rented 10 year before buying and having to have month and half rent for deposit + first month rent and moving costs in quickly accessible form because you can get just 2 months notice- that was hard and with rents so much higher now must be huge struggle.

Original poster
kittycats100 · 07/09/2024 13:06

I double checked and yes I can pay more into pension and I will do the maximum amount I can. If that makes me an awful person, so be it! I have a pittance in my pension pot so it would be good to have that built up. I will keep trying to mutual exchange.
As much as is miss having my son around, my working hours are long and it would be nice to be able to go to work evening events without having to figure out childcare which has always been difficult. Maybe even go on some last minute mid week holidays!

OP posts:
AlertCat · 07/09/2024 12:52

TakeMeDancing · 07/09/2024 11:58

I’m confused. If it’s full rent, why are people so desperate to keep hold of these tenancies? Particularly at the expense of a child going to a sub-par parent?

Show quote history

It’s a secure tenancy. Until no-fault evictions are stopped, you can be given a couple of months notice to move- and in my area at least there is a huge imbalance between demand and supply, so no guarantee at all that there would be a suitable alternative available.

BettyBardMacDonald · 07/09/2024 12:48

Elsewhere123 · 07/09/2024 12:36

The OP should build up her pension as her child care has prevented this in the past. She should pay in the maximum she can afford. If this reduces CM then good, she's had a raw deal and no one will support her when she retires.

Agree.

Losing the opportunity to get into the investment market now can't be rectified in future. She's already missed out hugely. Load as much as possible into the pension now.

GabriellaMontez · 07/09/2024 12:41

carrotcard · 07/09/2024 12:22

It's shocking how many people are telling OP how to reduce the amount of maintenance she has to pay.

Why? She's been unable to pay into a pension or build her career for the last 16 years.

Elsewhere123 · 07/09/2024 12:36

The OP should build up her pension as her child care has prevented this in the past. She should pay in the maximum she can afford. If this reduces CM then good, she's had a raw deal and no one will support her when she retires.

carrotcard · 07/09/2024 12:22

It's shocking how many people are telling OP how to reduce the amount of maintenance she has to pay.

Ozanj · 07/09/2024 12:16

You are wrong. CMS is taken from post-pension salary. Read it properly. Ensure 20-30% is paid into your pension to get you under the high rate tax band. Then recalculate

Gummybear23 · 07/09/2024 12:09

There should be a cap on all rent private and social.

TakeMeDancing · 07/09/2024 12:03

Fupoffyagrasshole · 07/09/2024 11:59

@TakeMeDancing so you have a secure place to live - private rent she could be thrown out over and over again and the rent increased

Just so I’m understanding correctly…if the rent isn’t going up alongside market rates, how is it full rent?

Fupoffyagrasshole · 07/09/2024 11:59

@TakeMeDancing so you have a secure place to live - private rent she could be thrown out over and over again and the rent increased

TakeMeDancing · 07/09/2024 11:58

Cyclingmummy1 · 07/09/2024 10:56

Why? She is paying full rent.

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I’m confused. If it’s full rent, why are people so desperate to keep hold of these tenancies? Particularly at the expense of a child going to a sub-par parent?

FawnFrenchieMum · 07/09/2024 11:03

Choochoo21 · 06/09/2024 15:23

I understand why you feel so resentful that your ex didn’t pay what he was supposed to but I’m not sure what you want?
Perhaps you just want to vent?

You obviously need to pay maintenance for your son and can afford it.

Perhaps you could pay for the school meals and phone contracts etc directly for the same amount - so you’re paying for your son but not handing the money directly to your ex?

If a man suggested this, it would be classed as controlling.

Cyclingmummy1 · 07/09/2024 10:56

RosiePosiee · 07/09/2024 10:45

On £65k a year and in social housing is an absolute joke

Why? She is paying full rent.

Cyclingmummy1 · 07/09/2024 10:56

carrotcard · 07/09/2024 10:46

He'd go wherever he can afford to live?

Show quote history

In his home then. Where he pays full rent.

carrotcard · 07/09/2024 10:46

Cyclingmummy1 · 07/09/2024 08:36

65k makes you very wealthy? Maybe in the North East,

This sort of comment makes me laugh. Housing may be cheaper in the North East, but everything else costs pretty much the same, it's much colder so heating costs are higher, if you live in rural Northumberland services are poor. £65k is £65k, it's not enough to qualify as wealthy.

As for the people who think social housing is for 'poor' people, it's for everyone. I suppose you'd all evict my DF's next door neighbour? A single man in his 50s who took over the tenancy on his family home after the death of his parents? A home they've paid full rent on since the '60s. Where would he go? Some poky flat?

He'd go wherever he can afford to live?

RosiePosiee · 07/09/2024 10:45

On £65k a year and in social housing is an absolute joke

lovemetomybones · 07/09/2024 08:57

It goes off last years tax so if you didn't have this high paying job last year, you are safe for a year! X

Cyclingmummy1 · 07/09/2024 08:36

65k makes you very wealthy? Maybe in the North East,

This sort of comment makes me laugh. Housing may be cheaper in the North East, but everything else costs pretty much the same, it's much colder so heating costs are higher, if you live in rural Northumberland services are poor. £65k is £65k, it's not enough to qualify as wealthy.

As for the people who think social housing is for 'poor' people, it's for everyone. I suppose you'd all evict my DF's next door neighbour? A single man in his 50s who took over the tenancy on his family home after the death of his parents? A home they've paid full rent on since the '60s. Where would he go? Some poky flat?