DS's attitude when we are paying for his Accomodation

I'd be annoyed with that attitude, yes.

Horrified to see how much halls cost now though, I can't bear to think about it. My parents didn't need to contribute at all when I went to Uni in 2001, student loan covered it and then some.

OP said he gets the minimum loan, which is £6600/year in London. And the reason he gets this is based on her income, with the government expecting parents to make up the shortfall.

Really?
The previous generation (mine) didn't have to pay tuition fees and there were student grants available so people didn't have to rack up loans. I did a degree similar to dentistry, none of us had part time jobs because we were in lectures/tutorials/practicals from 8-5 most days, with some overnights in the final year. Evenings and weekends were for study and catching up on sleep.

To suggest that a young man who is studying dentistry has no work ethic is quite frankly, laughable.

That's why he shrugs his shoulders mummy will pay for it. Why does he need to be independent.

I think you are being unreasonable. Yes, it’s very annoying but not his fault. When my son was at uni we paid for one full year when he went abroad on Erasmus for six months and we had to pay for accommodation for that too since the on campus Erasmus accommodation was horrible. These years will pass

It's actually expected that we top up his costs. The loan is means tested and our annual income means he's entitled to the minimum amount - that's not his fault!

No, but the maximum loan for students in London is around £13500, so surely you're not really expected to top up beyond that? It's your choice to, rather than a necessity?

I'd set him a limit as to how much you'll spend on accommodation. If he wants to spend more than that, then he'll have to fund it himself. But how he then uses his accommodation is surely up to him?

This. He can't just decide what to spend.

Is he doing well on his course? No chance that he will suddenly tell you that he's failing because he doesn't get on with the tutor or something?

Make him pay for his own accommodation (or 50%) if he wants the expensive option. Most students don’t have parents paying their full accommodation costs for them. If the money’s coming out of his own pocket he might be a bit more sensible about his accommodation/spending choices, and a bit more grateful for the help you give him.

Do you have other children Op?

He is very spoilt and has a shitty attitude. Make him contribute 20% , he’ll need to get a job, same as his girlfriend. By all accounts she sounds very sensible and won’t put up with his shit for too LONG, won’t be long before he us back 5 nights a week I. His own bed

You stop paying it and he gets a part time job. He sounds rude and entitled.

So to show gratitude he should let his mum waste her money on things he won’t use?

I'd be worried for the gf. You say she's on a scholarship and that it's because her circumstances are heartbreaking. I doubt if her halls allow someone else to practically live there so he could be putting her scholarship at risk.

I'd be looking at her hall's guest policies and asking him if he would be comfortable knowing that he may put her uni place in jeopardy.

I'm going to say you're being unreasonable here. You're being very generous but, cost aside, you've agreed to cover the accommodation but he's free to use it however he likes. I get why you feel like that and he could show more gratitude but, at the end of the day, he's at university, he's studying and having life experiences. You're paying to make sure he has a roof over his head and a safe space to go back to when he needs it. Other than that, it's not really your business how much time he spends there. As long as he's achieving what he needs to achieve while he's there. You can't say "we pay for this so you better spend all your spare time there".

I also understand why a flat-share might not work for someone who's introverted and not very social. A group of late teens/early twenty-somethings sharing a house can be chaos with random people coming and going and socialising on different schedules.

Also, who knows what happens with his relationship in the future. They might break-up or she might decide she doesn't want him hanging around most nights.

I'm not sure I really understand your point tbh.

You know that, as a parent you are expected to support him financially.
You know London is expensive (and presumably agreed you would finance him studying there).
You know how expensive his accommodation is (and presumably agreed to finance it).

You can't now kick up a fuss because he's not using the accommodation in the way you see fit. Chances are his girlfriend won't want him at her house all the time anyway, or they may split up, and he'll still want his own space at least sometimes.

He could book into YHA by the night for less than that

Don't they start doing placements at Dentists in the 4th year? So he could be sent any where.

And niece is doing 30 hours a week as qualified dentist now! Dentists are in such demand they can basically call their own shots. The dream!

The reason he doesn't need anything is that he's planning g to sponge off the girlfriend, cocklodger style.

I can see from your OP why this young man had lots of arguments with his former roommates.

They probably saw him for what he is - a selfish, entitled, and very unpleasant individual.

You need to get in touch with his girlfriend and warn her that he is using her.

He sounds rude.

@johnd2

yes & no.

he should have, at the very least, found a cheaper option.

to choose somewhere more expensive then throw it in her face (saying he'll hardly be there) is just utterly obnoxious.

He doesn't get it now (just assumes you will look after him) but he will appreciate it one day @Eisie He's behaving immaturely but when he graduates and has to pay his own way the penny will drop.

One of my siblings dropped out of Uni and allowed one of their friends to move into their room so my parents ended up funding someone else to doss there!

It’s a demanding course for sure. But he maybe needs to accept that he has to organise his studying, hobbies, and socialising in a way that lets him do c. 12 hours of paid employment a week.

When he’s working as a dentist in a few years, he’ll likely be doing at least 40 hours a week, and have to fit in his life around that as we all do. I knew lots of dentists and medics at university - they weren’t doing more than 40 hours between classes and study time. Lots of them had jobs, and boy/girlfriends, and rowing practice or whatever. And went out partying. You have to accept there isn’t much sitting around time in your life on these courses.

I think I agree with 'pick your battles'. It's neither his or your fault that London uni accommodation is so expensive. It's the same cost whether he stays there or not, although totally get that you'd feel less invested in him actually living there if you were paying £50 a week!

He needs an address and somewhere to put his stuff. He also needs somewhere to study and have some personal space. It's a shame that it's so expensive, but you'll have to leave him alone to live his life, I'm afraid.