If your husband worked these hours how much help would you expect?

Ok. Here I go again….

If he were single with no kids, he’d have to cook and clean and wash his own sheets. He’d have to shop. He’d have to pay bills, pair his socks, clean his toilet, sweep the floor, etc etc etc.

Why, just because he is married, should he do much LESS than what he would do without you and the kids? I get that you might pick up some of it, but ALL of it? No. A thousand times no.

Airlines build in sufficient rest time. Chucking a load on or sorting your cereal bowl, or cleaning your own skid marks is not going to make a pilot unsafe.

I wouldn’t expect him to do any of the housework but that doesn’t mean I’d accept him being lazy and just dumping his used bowl in the sink either. Regardless of whose job it is to maintain the home he doesn’t get to add to the workload unnecessarily

I was fortunate enough to be able to choose to be a SAHM.

DH took on the pressure of being the single breadwinner. And it is a pressure.

I do feel you’ve been very reductive to reduce his job to a single line. You could just as easily argue that your ‘job’ looking after the children and house needs only one line.

However, I do know how much DH appreciated my ‘job’. Not that it’s been easy sailing. He would be annoyed and frustrated by what he saw as the ‘state of the house’ when I’d been ‘home’ all day (when we all know it’s not that simple, as does he most of the time) as I would by his blindness to household tasks.

That said, not putting stuff in the dishwasher is a reasonable grievance! Not putting a wash on, for me, less so because I’ve usually got a plan in my head.

Sounds like it might be worth having a conversation to air your feelings (not a list of what he does ‘wrong’) to avoid resentment building up. Work out between you what leaves each other feeling valued (saying thank you, for example, even for the mundane tasks) and appreciated.

I was kinda on OPs side until she mentioned she's kept an eye on his sleep and he gets a good 8 hours, said in response to how much of a break does he get. Good! I would hope someone in charge of a flying death machine does get at least 8 hours sleep!

@Demonhunter

she wants him to clean up after himself (put his cereal bowl in the dishwasher, not leave it in the sink for her to do) shove a load of washing (sitting next to the washer) in the machine when he takes his uniform out, not to Do a spring clean.

how do you think single pilots cope?

many pilots have second jobs as they get so much downtime!!

I've already posted a couple of times. On reflection I should have added if DH has a few days or a week or so between shifts I believe the workload should be 50/50. While he is on consecutive shifts as a pilot with unsocial hours and people's lives in his hands, a SAHM should take care of everything, full stop.

It's a huge stretch to say that OP is working "just as hard". Come on.

Not much.... maybe help with the kids in the morning or empty dishwasher or something

OP, I work a 46 hour week (40 of them are WFH in my home office). But I just wanted to compare my typical day to yours. Crossed if I don't do, ticked if I do, and orange circle if in addition to your list:

my typical day:

• wake up with baby - feed, dress❌️
• cook breakfast - normally eggs❌️
• wake up older kids✅️
• school drop off✅️
• dog walk✅️
• tidy up house✅️
• take baby to play group❌️
• Come home - normally do house admin, laundry❌️
• load up baby and dogs for school pick up✅️
• come home✅️
• afternoon club twice a week❌️
• put on dinner✅️
• help with homework✅️
• feed kids✅️
• baths✅️
• kitchen tidy up✅️
• sort out uniforms if needed✅️
• bed✅️
• Work 9.5 hour shift around school drop offs/pick ups🟠

My DH does the laundry and works full time out of the house.

My life doesn't feel chaotic, it's all organised and feels OK. The things off your list that I don't do, and the thing on my list that you don't do I'd say cancel each other out.

Could it be that you could look at how to organise/prep things better? (I'm not being rude, genuinely trying to offer advice).

Minimal.

It was probably a "whoops" baby.

looking after 3 kids is tough, tougher than many jobs
This is what I don't get about women. One child fine. Two. okish. 3 or more no.

I agree, which is why I don't have three children.

OP do you have a plan B if the marriage were to fail? SAHP is often a very high risk strategy for a woman.

Apart from anything else, if your DH is a pilot I imagine he constantly has women throwing themselves at him so always sensible to have a Plan B. Get your ducks in a row.

No more than he already does.

@Barbrawintergreen

i really don't think she is, just doing bits as he sees they need doing, like shoving a load in the washing machine (that's sitting next to the machine) when he takes his uniform out.

shes not expecting to do a full clean of the bathroom (maybe just wipe the sink around if it's got toothpaste in it)

I am the breadwinner in the family. I sometimes work such hours. I do not allow household members even to approach me on arrival, I have a shower and fall into bed. On arrival I don't care what problems they have at school, etc. But I am lucky, they have shame. When I have several days off, I am so thrilled to be with dc, I let my husband go fishing with a tent overnight (several nights). Then I would do everything and enjoy it.

I agree.

Most of housework and cooking etc can be done whilst he’s at work.

When he’s home it should be 50/50 (but there shouldn’t be much cooking and cleaning to do anyway apart from on his days off).

It's really nothing to do with swooning, it's the fact I don't want an exhausted and not well rested pilot flying any plane I'm on 😱 whether it's a man or woman, I'd say the same.

Assuming he didn't suddenly change the minute the baby hit the mattress, it beggers belief the OP chose a 3rd baby at all if she's so unhappy with the workload?

'Justification' to stay at home maybe?

My friend's daughter's just had a 4th and gave that very reason.

@vivainsomnia I haven’t itemised my work and my husband isn’t a pilot but thanks for this…! 🤣🙈

As someone who works those kind of hours in a mentally demanding job I’d say your expectations on the days he’s working should be minimal, it’s absolutely exhausting having a different sleep pattern to normal, when I work those shifts I try to make sure it’s on a weekend so my husband is off to sort the kids and I pretty much go to work and sleep, I try to get up and sorted an hour early so I can play with the kids but don’t always manage it. Admittedly on my days off I have to play catch up on all the things that didn’t get done whilst I was working but then my husband also works full time and often away from home so isn’t able to spend loads of time doing jobs and looking after our 2 young kids either.

It might be a pattern. Or it might be a one off and she's really just tired of loading the dishwasher. I leave my dishes in the sink sometimes and DH will put it in the dishwasher for me, it's not really an issue in itself.
He cooks, he does his own laundry, he takes the kids out, buys them things, entertains them, food shops, walks the dogs, does school runs and works long awkward hours. That doesn't sound like a knob to me...

@WhateverMate

gor the baby yes, but why should she be picking up after him & why is he only
Cooking 1 night a week. He will be home many more nights a week.

This is what I don't get about women.One child fine.Two. okish.3 or more no.

Why did you have another baby when your kids were starting to grow up a bit? Why?