If your husband worked these hours how much help would you expect?

OP I was initially slightly on your side, but you've gotten ridiculous now. You are clearly seriously resenting him. Honestly I think it's because your life was pretty easy when you were a SAHM with two kids at school all day and so you didn't mind this stuff, but now you have the baby you're having to do more and so it's irritating you.

Of course he shouldn't be leaving his cereal bowl on the coffee table and expecting you to clean up after him (or whatever). That's not ok even if you're a stay at home partner with just a doodle. It doesn't seem that you've actually mentioned it to him though, so whilst in theory he should know this is ridiculous, you silently seething about it and not telling him is completely on you.

Also, I know everyone says 'but he should spend time with the kids on his time off' but I think it's completely fair for you to say 'I'll take the kids out for two hours and be the fun parent, you clean the bathroom'. Again though, you need to have this discussion. What you can't say is that managing the three kids for 85% of the time he's home is not doing much, if you want to claim that you are massively overworked when he's not around - either it's easy to amuse them and you're just picking up some housework around the edges, or it's hard work!

I don't think you have it hard though - a 9 month old isn't massive work, and your other two should be very little work and at school all day. I'm not saying you have it easy, but seriously your list of how hard your day is is pretty laughable. These are not hard things - boring and monotonous yes, but hard no. You actively choose this life by choosing to leave work when your first was born and you have admitted that is what you always wanted. This isn't a case where you've been forced to be a SAHM because you couldn't afford childcare. There's been no suggestion that your DH has ever stopped you going back to work. If you don't want to be a SAHM anymore, then work on how you change that - it's not your DH's fault that you haven't worked in 8 years and can't jump back into your old high flying job! Then you can start to talk about it needing to be 50:50%.

Your attitude to your DH's contribution to your family is pretty poor. I don't think pilots are some special beings, but he is short haul so the job is pretty intense. (We're not talking long haul and rest days in 4* hotels with no family commitments!) and you're complaining that he doesn't put a load of the kids' laundry when he has 9 hours at home including sleep before his next shift. You need to remember that this is the life you wanted. If you don't want it any more, of course that's fine. But then you need to change it. If you want to stay as a SAHM then you will be doing the vast majority of the housework, because that's the job (except for the period where there are tiny kids in play/3 under three etc - different ball game). Talk to him about some of the things that are upsetting you like cereal bowl and him being the 'fun parent', but if you don't decide to either accept that (overall) this is what a SAHM does, or decide to go back to work, but instead just continue to be pissed off about it all, then you're heading for divorce. And I promise you it will be harder as a single mum.

Surprised he has the energy to get her pregnant.

I guess when one person stays at home, the working person is paying for them to do this, and part of that package is the housework.

To be financially supported as a SAHP means to be paid for, essentially. Free rent and board, holidays, clothes, etc. the return for that is doing the housework, no?

I mean yeah now it's just me and my toddler (for the next few weeks until baby comes) it is MUCH easier than it was when I had all 3 of them and next to no time to be doing anything else except childcare when I was home alone with them because they didn't go to nursery after we moved house earlier this year. There was really no time for housework except cleaning and tidying after them! But the older 2 have only been in school for a few weeks and I've spent that time basically enjoying time with our toddler and preparing for the new baby. I could do more now yes but tbh I'm sore and tired with chronic back issues and a heart condition. I expect what I do during the day will change when they're all in childcare/school.

If it helps you to pretend the OP enables her husband's career, you go on and tell yourself that. In reality we all know which of them would come off far worse in a split.

Once again, delusional.

That’s a bit unfair…. I’m sure DH could expand on “work” the same way you have filled in your SAHM activities

Likewise her.

It would be a "who jumps ship" first scenario.

Just like no one could force him to parent, no one could force the OP to parent either.

For example, one parent could just say to the other parent "actually I'm working next week so I won't be picking up the kids". Then the other parent would have to cancel their own work or make childcare arrangements.

It's true that women are usually the ones who take responsibility and who are "default" for the kids but there's no law requiring them to do this.

A lot of the tasks on that list will be irrelevant as the kids get older. Mine make their own breakfast/do homework etc etc now they are school age

You are delusional. You really are.

His •work could be broken into a hundred tasks.

I mean wake up kids and make breakfast?? To a normal person this wouldn’t even be seen as a task. It’s something you just do. You are a SAHM ffs. Get a job if you don’t like it. If you can get one after not having worked for a decade that is. If you can’t get a job then at least get a grip and appreciate that he works so you don’t have to.

I don’t think he could. And it needs to be realistic. If he was a nurse/police officer/other shift worker it wouldn’t work either. There aren’t enough hours in the day.

I would t expect much at all.

No it isn't. There are plenty of opportunities for tea breaks and I have a fairly energetic two year old!

That’s exactly it; you can’t expect to have it all without sacrifices!

I think measuring how much down time you each get is a better measure than measuring how much you each do. If he's lounging around for hours or going off golfing during his time off while you're running around like a headless chicken then it's unfair, and vice versa if you're having spa days or whatnot while he's not.

When my DH was out of the house 7am-8pm, while I was on mat leave with a newborn plus toddler, I did everything I could during the day (laundry, cooking, cleaning etc.) (which wasn't everything, because there simply wasn't the time in the day after dealing with the little ones) and then he pitched in 50:50 with bedtimes, clearing up dinner stuff etc. when he was home. He often expressed that he felt bad about not doing "his fair share around the house" but I was like "mate, literally when would you have time to do any more than you're already doing? Don't be daft".

Go back to work part-time and stop being resentful of your husband. And get a cleaner.

You spent your life dreaming of doing something you don’t even enjoy doing now you’ve got it. It’s making you unhappy. It’s making you hate your husband. It isn’t beneficial at all to the two kids who are at school, however much you convince yourself that it is.

You can fix your situation, but not by blaming your husband.

I would say that during the week Little/no help. Weekend 50/50.
It’s odd you’d rather swap, most would love to give up work. Can you get a job and put children into nursery if you need some time away from them? I wouldn’t say working was the easier option, esp as a pilot..

None I had a similar situation and I did everything.Worked for us he paid all the bills and I looked after home. Probably get flamed but I have an amazing lifestyle he would have paid for a nanny but I didn't want one. We only have an amazing lifestyle because he worked insanely hard and long hours, if I had expected him to then do stuff at home on top he would have not been able to perform at work.

Is your husband amenable to feedback? I've noticed with my bf that if I ask him to do something, or say how I like things to be done (for example, "bf I've noticed I am cleaning the bathroom more than you and I don't really enjoy it, please can you clean the bathroom once a week?" or "bf it's not good to leave tea towels on the counter all crumpled up, please can you hang them up each time?" I've noticed that he will generally start doing these things, even if it's a habit from his previous single life he will generally make changes if asked. The key thing is that I ask him though.

Have you ever said "husband, I feel like your maid when you are leaving your cereal bowls in the sink. I'm sure it's just a habit, but could you please take a minute to put it in the dishwasher rather than leave it for me to clean up?" And then wait and see what happens.

No, she couldn't. If he didn't want to be the resident parent there is no mechanism on earth that could force him.

But is the husband really going to step up and do 50/50 if the OP goes back to work?

I think you should put your youngest in nursery and go back to work. It might be your dream but you obviously aren't enjoying it.

I wouldn’t expect him to do anything really, maybe watch the baby while I had a shower

I have two autistic kids and never stop advocating for them so, the stress I am under is a lot but if you have NT kids I imagine life is easier because you don’t have your kids breaking down in tears night after night, literally for over a decade nor and try and counsel them to stay on track and not give up , as well as having to be in touch with school constantly to stop the bullying and ask for adjustments. It must be nice not to have to do all that. The sleepless nights of worry endless worry don’t help either. Thats why I don’t work. I had to give up work to look after them. I might just manage to raise two independent mentally healthy kids, if I’m lucky but I can’t say what it’s cost me health wise to go through this.

Not necessarily.

The OP could choose to be an EOW parent and pay maintenance to him.